Final Goodbye
By slowrabbits
i. What hurts the most is being so close.
It is late when Gray finds her.
He thinks that it's a painful kind of irony -one he cannot say he appreciated- that Lucy Heartfilia (oh so wealthy and lovely) would end up in an awfully depressing place like a bench (moist, cold and hard; Gray is sure it is filthy, too) underneath the bridge that is home to the misfortunate vagrants of Magnolia. He fails to understand why she allows herself to be soaked to the bone with the relentless rain that pelted the city. Now her starched, fashionable clothes were ruined and clinging tastelessly to her body. She is shivering, and Gray ponders if she notices this, because there is a blank look on her face that begs the speculation whether her head is racing with so many conflicting thoughts and unanswerable questions, or if her mind is functioning at all. Her deceptively dainty hands clutch at her elbows as if it were the thin threads that tie her to sanity. Shame and grief bows her spine and it looks unusual on the lady who always stood so tall and proud amidst mean gossip and jealous whispers. She looks utterly broken and totally confused. Gray has never seen a more pitiable creature.
What the ink-haired man does understand about this whole situation was her need to be alone. She got that here -the absolute privacy and quiet- because the shadier parts of town offered anonymity to its inhabitants who were too caught up in their own miserable lives to give notice to someone else. Yes, Gray understands Lucy perfectly, even though he doesn't know her anymore. There are times he himself craved solitude, because it lacked the demands of façades and manners which came with being in the company of people, even well-meaning ones.
And surely, she wouldn't be in the mood for company (especially his) after doing what she had just done.
After killing Jude Heartfilia.
(She had to, she had to, she had to.)
He isn't sure of what to do for her, or if there is anything to do for her at all. He has never felt the need to impart comfort to others, even those of his acquaintance. He doesn't have the words, or the actions, or the presence to soothe. Did anyone, for a girl who just faced and ended her father in battle?
Although it hurts, Gray turns his back to (the only woman he ever loved) her and walks away. He doesn't speak to her, or approach her. He can't. Not anymore. After what transpired between them, he doesn't allow himself to mingle with her anymore because there is no doubt in his mind that the sight of him would trigger so many bad memories of their time together. He doesn't want to break her ever again, especially now when she's hurting outrageously and so close to falling apart.
As he finds the rest of Lucy's little search party, he shrugs off the memory of her, getting more and more uneasy the longer he thinks about her eyes. Chocolate brown, void of life and dead, dead, dead. He tells Loke of the Celestial Mage's location and washes his hands of the evening.
ii. Having so much to say, and watching you walk away.
It is a presumably normal Wednesday morning when Gray chances upon Lucy Heartfilia the next time. Like it always did, his (cold, black,dead) heart thumps madly against his ribs, almost as if it was threatening to bursts from his chest cavity.
He thinks that she looks magnificent. No surprise there. She always does. He can't see her face, which is covered by the shade of her parasol, but he knows she is still lovely -perhaps even more so- since they last met. Dressed in her usual attire, she embodies the classic lady of noble birth -untouchable, desirable and so heart-breakingly beautiful- but Gray knows that she is also quite the badass.
She did have one accessory that ticks Gray off.
Natsu. The name sounds like a sneer, even in Gray's mind. What a loser. Natsu (will never love her like I did) looks stupid and oblivious as ever, even when (the love of his life) Lucy hangs on his arm. Did he even know how lucky he was to be with her? Gray would be, if he ever had the chance.
(But he can't have her ever again because he was stupid and an asshole and Lucy was so so, so broken.)
Seeing her is always painful. It brings back too much of the darkness Gray desperately tried to dispel; too much of the memories he yearned to forget. With her comes visions of what had been and could never be and that was what hurts the most.
(He saw her lovely face red from shortness of breath, tears streaking her carefully applied makeup and her hair roused by restless hands. Fingers gripped his shirt in desperation and Gray shrugged her off, disgusted. Never mind that she'd been pleading with him for an hour, or that she was scared and confused. He didn't feel anything but pure, unadulterated hate for her.
"Get rid of it, and get out of my sight." he said in a voice that left no room for arguments. He didn't wait to see if his command had been obeyed, instead turning swiftly on his heel and stomping out of the room.)
The ink-haired man sighs a long suffering sigh as he faces away from the scene, ignoring the terrible clenching in his chest.
"Gray?" comes a soft voice from behind him.
He thinks: Fuck.
He turns back to face the woman he'd been (loving still, pining for) studying for the past ten minutes. Good Lord, she was even more breath-taking up close. A myriad of emotion clouds her eyes: sadness, uncertainty and something else Gray fails to understand. There is rigidity in her posture from nervousness and Gray resents himself even more, knowing that his presence was causing such agitation in her. Brown orbs flicker from his face, to Natsu's, then back to his before she speaks. "Hi. How are you?" she asks quietly.
Gray is certainly surprised that she is speaking to him with such civility and sincerity. The last time they exchanged words were through shouts and tears. Gray dismisses the memories threatening to weaken him as he replies in that usual, cocky tone of his that never gave anything away, "I am well, Lucy."
He hates this politeness between them.
And if the thinning of her lips is any indication, Lucy despises it, too. She nods and tells him that she must be off. Without waiting for his reply, Lucy walked back to where her fire spewing boyfriend stood, glaring daggers at Gray. Briefly, Gray wonders if Lucy had told Natsu about the dysfunction that was him and her. But maybe she didn't need to, since their interactions spoke volumes. Look at us! We used to be a couple, but we were so screwed up that we spent two years of our lives in a sham of a relationship wherein we strove to make one another as miserable as possible.
Natsu looks as if he wants to punch the soul out of Gray and Gray treats him to a challenging stare. (Go for it. I would want to punch me, too.) But Lucy tugs on Natsu's arm and before Gray knows it, they are gone and he is left with the feeling of longing and self-hate that will forever haunt him.
iii.Never knowing what could have been.
It is during the Lisanna's birthday party that Gray's world crumbles even more.
He should have paid attention to the ominous nagging at the back of his mind about the impending doom the night bought on. But no, he put on a good suit and mindlessly made his way to the youngest Strauss's party in the name of friendship.
He instinctively makes his way to the balcony because he was getting many death glares and nasty comments. They don't really offend him so much that they irritated him. After all he'd been through, very little (yet, so much) affect him now.
He didn't expect to see Lucy there, leaning out on the intricate iron railing which makes Gray wonder if she is getting ready to pummel to the ground. He wonders why she isn't inside, charming the other guests with her intelligent conversation or dazzling beauty. He wonders, too, why she isn't hanging on that damn Natsu's arm. It is rare for Lucy to be alone. Growing up without a mother and a father too busy to fuss over her, Lucy made up for the early years of loneliness by constantly surrounding herself with people. Not necessarily ones she was close to, but there you go. Not to say that she was greedy, or clingy. Being around people just made her happy.
Gray clears his throat and she whirls around, blushes -maybe from getting caught looking like she was about to jump off the terrace.
"May I stay here?" he asks, and gets a short nod in reply.
He takes a seat on one of the rattan chairs near the ledge, careful not to look at his companion. Gray had never been a wishful thinker, but he hopes that for even just this night, he and she can co-exist in one place without the damnable politeness, or the sickening melancholy. But of course, he is wishing for the impossible.
He already feels so incredibly depressed.
He can feel her eyes stare holes into his face which unnerves him. How could she stand the look of him? How is she not running back inside, seeking protection from the monster that ruined her in so many ways?
Calmly, he draws out from the inside of his coat a metal cigarette case. He takes one slim stick and puts in his mouth. "Mind?" he drawls out, but it wasn't really a question. He lifts his lighter to the cigarette, sucks, blows.
Lucy waves away the cloud of smoke. "I didn't know you smoked." she remarked.
Gray glances at her. She was still so achingly beautiful. "Does it bother you?" he asks, but he doesn't think he'll stop if it does.
Lucy frowns at his challenging tone. "You'll kill yourself with those." she returned, gesturing at the glass of scotch and the cigarette.
Gray barks out a short, humorless laugh. She almost sounded concerned, which was funny. What did she care if he died? "Is that right? Well then, they're not killing me fast enough, aren't they?"
She is quiet for a moment. Gray looks up to see if she left, but she is still there, leaning lightly against the railing, watching the orange tip of his cigarette glow as if it was the most interesting thing ever. In the day, she is majestic, but under the moonlight she is a vision; almost too good to be true. Her dress is a waterfall of liquid silver that shimmers down her glorious body and clings to all the right places. Gray didn't know that she wore anything but red nowadays, as a homage to her fire mage lover. Her hair flows around her and Gray gets a quick flash of how all those golden locks would surround them like an angry flaxen tempest when she throws her head back in the midst of passion.
He shakes his head. He has no right to those memories anymore.
There is still a stubborn line between Lucy's brows when he returns his gaze to her face. She looks hesitant to say something, but she opens her mouth anyway and lets the words out. "Do you think I want you to die?"
"Don't you?" Gray quips smartly.
Lucy is quiet again, but then she speaks in a voice smaller than the last one, "No." she says firmly. "I don't want you to die. I've had enough death in my life."
Unconsciously, Gray flinches. He deserved to have that tossed in his face, but it wasn't any easier to endure. Gray knew that Lucy wasn't talking of her mother killed by illness, or her father perished by her own hand, but the premature life they had made together, destroyed together once upon a time. The barbs in his heart dig deeper, and he thinks that maybe he should just jump off that ledge and end his misery.
Her dark eyes are sad and hopeless again. Funny how she is radiating remorse for him, even after all he'd put her through. "I apologize. I shouldn't have said that." she tells him, sounding genuinely abashed.
She straightens from her position by the railing, all moonbeams and fair hair. Her heels clack against the marble floor of the balcony, the sounds echoing through Gray's empty heart. She stops by the doors, not bothering to face him when she says, "I thought you should know: Natsu and I are getting married." a pause, "I hope you can make it. Because even with how our relationship ended, you used to be someone important to me." with that, Lucy left.
Gray spends the rest of the night in the quiet terrace, sipping alcohol as bitter as he. His only company is the songs of the cicadas and the lingering scent of her. Why did she have to say these things to him, these words that made those damnable seeds of hope blossom in his chest? Why couldn't she just hate him, and make things easier for both of them? He didn't like these in-between emotions.
Later that month, Gray gets an expensive looking envelope bearing what he was sure would be the invitation to her wedding.
He chucks it into the fire without bothering to open it.
iv. And not seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do.
Four months pass after he received the wedding invitation.
Gray likes to think that he has been productive, considering his circumstances, and he is proud of himself because he hasn't spent the last four months drinking his life away, or moping around in his house. No, he punishes his body back into shape, gets more jobs at the guild and makes an effort to socialize daily.
He is fit, his hair gets its shine back and there are no more bags under his eyes. He still felt like crap, but at least he didn't look like it, too.
It is rare for the darkness to claim him these days, and Gray is relieved. His dreams are no longer invaded by visions of Lucy on some metal slab, crying out in pain that the midwife inflicts on her, his waking thoughts are most often than naught quiet, undisturbed by hallucinations of a child with dark, black hair and dark, brown eyes. His father says he is a new man now.
But this new man still dreads the upcoming wedding.
He tells this to Lisanna, who has broken down his door on the day of Lucy and Natsu's nuptials.
Lisanna, in her silk navy dress is stunning. Her hair is down and her lips are painted, but her beauty doesn't distract him from the anger visible on her face. Gray fears she might start discharging fire if she doesn't calm down.
"What do you mean you're not coming?" she yells.
"I see no need for me to be there." Gray replies in a detached voice.
Lisanna shakes her head. "Whatever, you can't expect me to suffer there alone."
Gray is reminded that Lisanna was in love with the groom, much like Gray was in love with the bride. It almost makes him grimace, knowing that she was the closest anyone would come to understanding him. (But not really, because no one will ever truly understand his pain.)
They argue for well over an hour.
In the end, Gray grudgingly drags on a suit and leaves with the dark-skinned woman to watch the people they loved promise themselves to one another.
He sits beside Lisanna who unconsciously grabs his hand in the middle of the ceremony and he understands that feeling she got (like being punched in the gut over and over again) because he, too, is powerless to fight for the person he loves.
When Natsu leans in to give his new wife a kiss, Lucy smiles and it is the first time Gray had seen her smile without any reservation, and he thinks she might genuinely happy.
So when Gray leaves, he decides that he feels more content than sad because Lucy is happy.
A.N.: If I had a dollar for every fanfiction inspired by What Hurts the Most, I'd have enough money to buy a car. But I could not help it okay this song is presh to me don't h8
Also, if you think you've read this before, you're probably right. I took it down and re-uploaded it because I DO WHAT I WANT.