Brother let me be your shelter

I'll never leave you all alone

I can be the one you call

When you're low

Brother let me be your fortress

When the night winds are driving on

Be the one to light the way

Bring you home

"Whatcha got there, Sammy?"

Dean gives me a guilty smile and I immediately know what he was doing before I entered the room…..checking his hand for shakes. I've seen him do it before. He doesn't think I know but I do. I remember how his hand shook in the beginning when he took up the First Blade and even though it's now out of his reach, he's still longing for it. The Mark is demanding to be fed…..First Blade or not.

Dean's hand is steady for now but it doesn't stop him from checking. I think he's in danger of becoming obsessed and I can't decide if that's a good thing or not. I wish he could put the Mark out of his mind. I know he can overcome it…..I just don't know how to make him believe it too.

"I brought you something to eat."

I place his dinner in front of him and he groans.

"Dude, we've got to get rid of this Mark. I can't keep eating this crap."

"Not everything that's good for you is crap, Dean. That's why I made you this."

Dean grabs his fork and pokes around at the salad. "Sammy, is that bacon?"

I smile as his face lights up. It takes so little to make Dean happy. For someone who can find joy in a piece of bacon, why couldn't this world have made things just a little easier on him? Or does he find happiness in the little things because of how hard his life has been? Dean's never asked for much….in fact, he's probably never asked for anything but he'd give you the shirt off his back if he thought you needed it….or he'd give up his soul if he thought I needed it. After everything he's done for me, why can't I convince him he can beat this? I just want to take care of him, the way he's always taken care of me.

Dean reaches for the glass sitting beside his plate, sniffs at it and grins. "This can't be a protein drink. It smells like chocolate." Dean takes a sip of the shake and wipes the chocolate from his lip. "Damn, that's actually good!"

"You're welcome."

Dean smiles for a moment and then his face becomes serious. "Thanks, Sammy. I mean it."

"It's just supper, Dean."

"No, you know what I mean." Dean fidgets in his chair, never comfortable with sharing his feelings, even though he's been doing that a lot more lately. "I can't do this without you, Sammy. Thanks for hanging in there."

I try hard to keep my eyes from filling with tears. He's protected me all of my life. I just want to do the same for him. Why is that so hard for him to understand? Where else would I be right now? I know I've done things in the past that's made him feel he couldn't depend on me but I've tried so hard to make up for those things. I'll do anything to keep him safe, to free him from the Mark, but he needs to know he can do this…..with or without me.

"I've got your back, Dean, you know I do but…..you don't need me for this."

Dean shakes his head. "Whatever else you're going to say…..don't. If you think I don't need you for this, Sammy….you're wrong."

I reach over and grasp my brother's arm. "I'm not saying I'm going anywhere, Dean. But you can do this. You're the strongest person I've ever known. I've seen you overcome things that…..things that nobody could. Why won't you believe me, Dean? Why can't you see what I see?"

"Because I know what's inside me." Dean's eyes are tormented as he places a hand on his chest. "It's dark in here, Sammy. You know it is."

"The only thing I see when I look at you, Dean, is the big brother who has always been there for me…the man who rushes into danger to save other people's lives without giving a thought to his own." I lean toward him, inwardly pleading for him to see himself for the man he truly is.

"Sam, I killed a room full of people without a second thought." Dean's lip trembles. "I almost killed Charlie."

"Dean…."

"If you weren't there, Sam, I think I might've killed her." A tear slips from Dean's eye, trailing down his battered face...a reminder of his encounter with Dark Charlie. "So, don't think I can do this without you, because you're the only thing keeping me from becoming the monster that I know I am."

In that moment it hits me how wrong I've been to try and make Dean believe he can do this without me. That's not what he needs. That's what I need. I need to know my brother will be okay without me but Dean needs to know that I'll be here, that I'm not going anywhere…that I won't leave him alone the way I have so many times in the past. For years, Dean hasn't trusted me and for good reason. Every time he needed me, I wasn't there. He can do this alone but he doesn't have to. That's what I have to make him understand. I have to make him believe in me.

"I'm here for you, Dean. Whatever you need."

Dean stares at me for a long time and finally says, "Yeah, sure. I know."

Dean starts to rise from his chair but I grab his arm and pull him back down. "No, Dean, you don't know. You're not in this alone. Do you understand me? I know I've screwed up in the past and I can't ask you to forgive me but I can ask you to believe me. I'm not letting you do this alone, Dean, I'm not."

I'm almost crying by now and I feel as if I have no right. This isn't about me or how I feel. This is about Dean and how he feels, what he believes. Dean's eyes are bright with his own tears as he holds his hand out in front of me, not a tremor to be seen.

"It's not shaking," I say.

Dean's face registers surprise. "You know about that?"

I nod. "I know more than you think, Dean."

Dean grins through his tears. "Do you know when it stopped shaking?"

"Okay, that's one thing I don't know."

"Only one?" teases Dean but he sobers quickly. "It stopped shaking right after Charlie left, when you told me we could do this together. I believe you, Sammy, but don't think for one second I can do this without you because I can't."

"You don't have to, Dean. I meant what I said. We'll beat this…together."

Dean nods. "Okay, then.…together."

He smiles at me and I see the trust in his eyes. After all these years and all the mistakes I've made, my brother finally trusts me. I won't let him down.

Thanks for reading! Comments are always welcome! Sometimes Sam is so hard for me to write. This was one of those times.

Lyrics are Brother by NeedToBreathe.