Clarity
Disclaimer: Not mine, will never be mine.
Something that I've always wanted to do for a while, but never did (translation: I was lazy).
Cookies for Trish for helping me with the story. As always your help is so appreciated.
"I ruined everything and I just want it back the way it used to be." The teenager muttered, nervously chewing her nails.
"I know, Megan, I know. But you made a decision to end your relationship with Josh and Josh made his decision to move on, just like you did. I know you care about him a lot, and I also know he cares about you. He doesn't want anything to happen to you. So please, Megan, can I have the gun?"
"You don't know what it feels like!" The distraught sixteen year old girl shouted, pacing around in small circles, her father's Glock waving dangerously in her trembling hand. "So don't even pretend you understand."
"I know it feels like there's no way out, that it's the end of the world, but it's not," Jules said, taking half a cautious step forward. "Loving someone and screwing up royally because of some insecurities. That doesn't even compare to the regret you feel later, living each day and knowing what you could have had. What could have been. I hurt someone I really cared about because I thought that's what was best for us. I don't want you to live with the same regrets I felt, that I'm still feeling. Megan, I promise you, things will get better from now on. We'll work through this together, okay?"
Jules leaned deeper against the cushions, hugging her knees close to her chest as the remnants of a negotiation from last year started to fade. Instead of Sam, it had been Ed who was hovering near, ready to take a Scorpio shot if the subject escalated. She had been thankful tears were the only thing being shed that day.
That day, she met Sam at the back of the SUV as he was unpacking the Remy and it had taken her back to another day. Had it really been two years since he approached her while she was cleaning up her rifle? Made an entrance into her life? Created a general mess of things?
Sam nodded at her, acknowledging her successful negotiation, and she smiled back. If he was suspicious that her words to Megan had partially concerned their past relationship, his face didn't give any indication of it. She didn't know whether she was relieved or disappointed.
The trip back to the barn that day had been a quiet one. Not that it was anything new. Ever since she broke up with him their conversations had been reduced to one or two syllables. There would be days where it seemed like there was a canyon between them, and some other days -not too often- when it felt nothing had changed. That is until one of them remembered she had dumped him in a coffee shop and they'd revert back to the awkward, too polite I-gotta-go scenario.
"It's getting cool out here," Sam chided gently, moving to stand in front of the wicker hanging chair. Lost in the past, she hadn't realized he was there until he spoke. He was blocking her view of the newly blooming daisies, but that was okay because he was still wearing her favourite blue shirt. The shirt she had bought for him because it so perfectly matched the shade of his eyes. "Wouldn't want you to get sick, now would we?"
"Did you just invite yourself to join me?" She leaned over to put the mug of hot chocolate on the table.
His chuckle was husky. "Well, I did buy this chair."
"That you did, for me." Jules agreed before making room for him. She raised one eyebrow when Sam frowned, eying the chair, looking thoroughly unconvinced. "Seriously, Braddock, didn't you say the chair could hold 350 lbs? Unless you have gained some invisible pounds, I'd say we're good."
Sam smirked. Jules had expressed her desire for the chairs that looked like half an Easter egg, but in the end had decided to be practical and spent the money on four dining chairs since it was a better bargain. Needless to say, he had taken the flyer from the kitchen drawer where she kept them and made a solo trip to IKEA. In the end he had also opted for practicality and brought home the double wide one. It looked less like an egg but he couldn't let her have all the fun, could he?
He carefully sat next to her, waiting for a few seconds to test the chair's sturdiness. Rolling her eyes, Jules grabbed him around the collar and pulled him to her. The chair squeaked and Jules could have sworn Sam was holding his breath. "Could you please relax? Will it make you feel better to know if the chair doesn't hold, we'll fall together?"
Sam kissed her, grinning against her lips. "Babe, you say the most romantic things."
She handed her cushion to him before snuggling into his side, swinging her legs to rest on his lap. "So…"
"So," he repeated. "Miss Law Enforcement Professional of the Year."
She smiled in spite of herself and hit his chest playfully. After the call the team had gone to the Goose to celebrate her win. Sarge, of course, stuck to soda, but with two days off shift, the alcohol was flowing freely. Spike and Raf, in particular were going to feel just how freely in the morning. Sam, well, she had a feeling that the reason he wasn't as drunk as the other guys was the same as hers.
"What's on your mind?" It came out as a whisper. The musky scent of his cologne and the feel of his fingers combing through her hair were enough to lull her to sleep if she'd let them. But there were things that needed to be said and she thought it was better to get it out of their way sooner rather than later.
Sam rested his chin on the crown of her head his face. "It's been quite a day, hasn't it?"
She knew he wasn't referring to the hot call or the team time afterwards. On their way back to HQ, Sam had quietly reached for her hand while on their com links Spike and Ed's voices overlapped, each coming up with their ideal ideas to celebrate. The day had started off rough and unexpected and they had been forced to put all personal issues aside. It hadn't been easy. The thought of breaking up with Sam, the disappointment she saw in Parker's eyes, the brutal knowledge that she was endangering their team. "You could say that again."
"Jules," the tone of his voice made her lift her head. She could see her nervousness reflected back in his eyes. "Jules, you know that I would do anything for you, right?"
Of course she did. She knew he was in love with her, always had been. She knew he loved her from the way he looked at her, the way he would hold her tightly like he was afraid she was going to disappear and when he kissed her, Jules felt like nothing else mattered. Of course, there had been a time when, thinking she was asleep, he had whispered against her forehead that he loved her. She had been amazed he couldn't hear the sound of her heartbeat hammering inside her chest.
Who she was kidding, she was in the same boat. She just didn't see why she should say it aloud. Until now.
"It won't be like last time." She raised her eyes to meet his again. They had a lot more at stake this time around. Not only their position on Team One, but also Greg's well being for finding out and keeping it quiet. But in spite of everything, she wanted to fight for this relationship. He had, the first time around, but she had told him the spot on the team was much more important, and because he loved her he had complied. "Can we be selfish, just this one time? Can I?" She licked her lips, debating whether she should say what she really wanted to say next. But Sam had always been an open book to her, she had nothing to lose by reciprocating the sentiment. She knew he would never judge. "I can't lose you, Sam. Not again."
Sam tightened his hold around her, exhaling deeply. The relief on his face was so evident she had to swallow her smile. "Can I make a confession?"
She nodded and took the hand that wasn't holding her. She traced the lines on his palm soothingly, waiting. "Those four months when I was made team leader were probably the best four months of my life." His grin was rueful; he looked almost sheepish. "I got to lead a team of my own, work alongside the best team and I had you."
"You have me." She corrected and squeezed his hand.
"But then I'd feel guilty. Here I was living the life I'd always wanted because Ed was shot. You don't know how much it meant to me, leading a team. When my father called me for his routine check, he made a comment about the call we had that day. I didn't know how he found out but I guess at that point I shouldn't have been surprised anymore. Believe it or not, he actually sounded proud. Maybe he thought if his son didn't want to be in the military, at the very least he got to be a leader instead of being a follower."
Jules studied his face closely. Sam and his father might not have the warmest father and son relationship but the respect Sam felt for the older man was obvious. Ever since he was a child he had been raised in a strict military environment. When his sister died, it had been a quick deterioration. Everything had begun to tumble down from there. Sam had told her one drunken night that his father blamed him for her death. He had never said a word about it, but he knew his father cursed the hell out of him and probably wished it had been him instead of his sister. Joining the military had been his last attempt to make a connection with his father, to provoke a reaction of any kind. She didn't know whether he remembered the conversation when he woke up the next day, but it was something they'd always left alone.
All his life people had expected the best out of him, but still whatever he did never seemed to measure up to their expectations, to the General's expectations. Then Matt happened and when he left the military and joined the SRU, Sam had thought it was the last straw. He had learnt to ignore his father's opinion. He hadn't cared about what his father thought then, and he still didn't. But still, recognition from the General meant more than he'd ever admit.
"He said he probably could make some arrangements so I could have a team of my own." Jules bit her lip, feeling her heart start to beat faster. "He was really proud of me, Jules. If I didn't know better I would have thought he was drunk or something."
"What'd you say?"
Sam playfully tweaked her nose, sensing the nervousness bubbling inside her. "I told him I was perfectly happy where I was."
"Sam."
"I didn't care, Jules. I don't care. I don't need his validation. I don't need to be a team leader. I need you."
She lunged forward and captured his lips with hers, kissing him with the pent-up emotion that had been gnawing at her all day. Sam held her closer to him as their kiss grew deeper. He pressed another lingering kiss on her wet, parted lips before breaking the contact completely. She tasted like hot chocolate, only sweeter.
"We've got to be more careful this time," Jules reminded him, brushing a finger over his lips. "And the safety of others will always come before each other." She held his gaze firmly until he replied.
"That goes without saying. I won't lie and say it's gonna be easy, but I'll do what I have to do so we can be together." God forbid, he hoped they never had to make the decision. The memory of the tower shooting still haunted his dreams some nights. Jules might have been the one who was shot, physically, but it had felt like the bullet had pierced through his body. After a minute of contemplation, he leaned back so he could see her face when he asked her the question he'd asked when they returned to his apartment several months ago. "Are you sure about this?"
She felt her breath caught in her throat. Sam was giving her the easy way out, that as much as he wanted to be with her, he would do anything she asked. She could live without him, had tried to live without him in her life. That wasn't a life she wanted. "We could end this, but at the end does it really matter? It's not going to go away, right?"
Sam leaned his forehead against hers. "I'm going to ask you to marry me one day, you know that, don't you?"
She had the grace to blush. "I do now."
"Good."
"I love you, Sam Braddock."
"I love you, too." He lightly kicked the floor, causing the chair to swing in a gentle rhythm. "Jules?"
"Hmm?" She nearly fell asleep then and there.
"Just how strong do you think this chair is?" Sam asked, a familiar glint in his eyes.
"What did you have in mind?" She looked up at him, grinning as he leaned in to show her.
-end-
For me, their honeymoon conversation in A New Life came out a bit too casual for them to have never talked about a possible future before, hence Sam's line about marriage in this story. I've always pictured them having a heart to heart conversation after Cost.
The idea for the flashback at the beginning came from Mldmd and her dream-what a neat dream! I tried to incorporate it into the story and I think it came out pretty well.
Hope you liked it. It's been a while since I wrote something that's not a ficlet or drabble.
Reviews are loved.