N/A: Okay, so this whole thing is going to be split into two parts; Part A and part B. The full title to this fic is The End of The Beginning, so obviously part B will be called The Beginning. Credit to Clare its-a-story-of-love for both her eulogies. I didn't write them, don't give me the credit, it belongs to her. This primarily Stable Queen with a sort of Outlaw Queen friendship-ish. And it is also part 2 to the High-School AU (Title still in progress) Series that I started writing and (2 years before SND). You don't have to read that though to understand this as chronologically, this comes before so it's up to you. Sorry if this is a bit jumpy and disconnected at times but I tried my best :) Hope you like it.
Trigger Warning: Funerals? Mention of death. (Idk what triggers people these days)
Daniel never liked black. It was too dark and dull and depressing for his taste. He preferred blue. Light blue was his favourite, just like hers. Guess that was one of the many reasons they were almost perfect for each other.
Almost.
She's stopped crying now. Stopped a while back. With the help of her mother, of course. Her sharp words of stop sniffling! And I can't stands tears. And the favourite one, He's dead, Regina. Get over it. Your tears won't bring him back; usually ending with some command to get dressed so they can go to an event because apparently, events were much more important than her daughter's grief, but whatever. Regina knew she wouldn't get any comfort off her mother.
Her sister hadn't been much help either. Zelena spent half her time telling Regina to "stop wallowing in her own self pity", "stop making her about her" that she "Didn't know what pain was at fifteen years old". So no, she hadn't been much help either.
Regina may have stopped crying, but now she was just left with nothing but a numbness. A feeling that persistently stayed with her all day every day, never leaving her alone.
She gives herself a once over. Feeling sick to her stomach that a funeral was happening, that she was attending it.
"Oh. Don't you look depressing."
Regina cringes at the sound of her mother's voice. Really, this was the last thing she needed right before her boyfriend's funeral (or was it ex-boyfriend now) whatever it was, Regina didn't want to think of it now, it would do nothing to help the situation if she was to break down and cry about Daniel's title to her.
"Hello, Mother." Regina greets, keep her voice as neutral and steady as she glances at Cora through the mirror, fiddling with the bobby pins keeping her half do up.
"Black really doesn't suit you, darling."
A familiar twinge of hurt explodes inside Regina as she looks up just in time to catch her mother raking her eyes up and down her.
Regina tries not to let her hurt (or anger that Cora would choose a day like today to criticize her) show. Thankful that she chose the dress with the skater skirt that safely hid her curves away from her mother's critical eyes. Not that criticizing Regina should even be on the list of things to do today, but it's Cora and she doesn't care about what day it is. Even when Regina's father died five years ago, Cora still found a way to secretly attack her ten year old daughter.
"At least it's only for the day." Regina says, her voice still surprisingly calm, refusing to rise up to Cora's bait and get into get another argument.
"Yes, luckily." says Mother, beginning to empty the contents of her bag out. "Perhaps I should come, too. Ask Faye why her son thought he was worthy enough for my daughter-"
"Mother!"
The name slips out before Regina can stop herself. The outburst stills Cora in her sentence and a silence passed between the two. Regina doesn't regret stopping her mother though, quite the opposite. Who knows what she planned on saying next.
"She just lost her son," Regina continues, throwing down the mascara stick she was applying to her eyes. "I doubt she wants to answer questions about his relationship."
A beep sounds outside. Regina's signal that she had to leave.
Faye had asked Regina how she was getting to the funeral and at first Regina said she'd make her own way there, walk if she had to, but Daniel's mother had insisted she take the limo with her, claiming to "want something that belonged to Daniel" by her side. And Regina not wanting to sound rude or ungrateful agrees, ignoring that flicker of anxiety that accompanied.
It wasn't that she didn't like Faye Colter, or that they didn't get along, Regina just didn't know her. She thought to her and his father, she was just "Daniel's girlfriend", that girl who would occasionally stay over when her life here, her mother, got too much. And even then Regina stayed tucked away in Daniel's room, staying out of the way, wanting to. No reason bond had been formed between the two of them- they're hadn't been time.
Still, a ride with a woman she hardly knew was much better than an impending argument with a woman she did know.
"And that's my ride." Regina said, picking up her bag off the stairs. "So I have to go."
Cora just waved her hand, dismissing Regina.
With one last glance and a sigh, she was headed to the door before her mother called her back.
"I don't want you to be long. You're sister is coming round. We have things to discuss. Important things."
Regina just nods. I don't want you to be long, makes it sound like I'm going out somewhere with my friends. Regina ignores it, though. There's no point after all; mother says what she pleases. Before walking out the front door and making her way down to path to the limo waiting, that nausea growing stronger.
…:...:...
It all feels surreal. The idea that he's getting ready to go to a funeral. His best friend's funeral at that.
Whilst the initial constant sadness is gone, there are still pangs of it without certain days. Little things that remind Robin of Daniel. Neighing sounds that come from the horses as Robin passes the stables to and from school, seeing his name moving further and further down the leaderboard on some video game, the empty seat in class, his name still in Robin's phone contacts….(he's not sure whether to delete it- doesn't even know if he wants to delete it) All these things bringing back this sadness and grief he'd felt over the past few weeks ever since finding out about his death.
Robin doesn't understand it. Okay, so Daniel had moments of recklessness- he didn't always use the five senses he'd been given, neither did he use is common sense...But to be hit by a car? That just didn't sit right with Robin.
"You didn't tell me you were getting married."
His mum's voice pulls him out of his thoughts. She's standing in the doorway, clearly dressed for bed, her dirty blonde hair all mussed up from sleep. That constant tired look on her face now laces with shock.
Robin just stares at her. She thinks he's getting married. She doesn't know.
No, she does know. He told her of Daniel's death (you know, that lad who used to come around- Anna only nodded with a distant look in her eyes) Knows what today is. She's just forgotten. Like always.
"I'm going to a funeral, Mum." he tells her, voice neutral and calm.
A hand covers her mouth as her eyes widen. "Oh. Oh, no. It's- it's not your- your father is it?" She looks down at herself then, shaking her head. "I must- I just get changed. Oh. I can't believe I forgot."
She's about to turn before Robin gently reaches for her arm, stopping her and turning her back to face him fully.
"No, Mum. Dad's fine. He's at work." He places his hands on her shoulders. "It's Daniel's funeral, Mum. Daniel's. You remember? The lad who sometimes came round?"
Anna's features scrunch together, eyes closed as she tries to remember and Robin waits, lets it come to her on its own.
It's what the doctors said to do. Not push her to remember things, try to agree to remembering things that she can't remember. It'll only make it worse, they said.
But her face is relaxing, eyes opening, recognition returning.
"Yes. Yes, I remember now. He was the boy I saw with that pretty girl, wasn't it?"
Robin's smiling, knowing exactly who that "pretty girl" is. He nods. "Yeah, that's the one. Well he...died a few weeks ago, I'm going to his funeral."
"Do you want me to drive you?"
Robin shakes his head. "It's fine. You go back to sleep. Dad will be home soon. I'll...bike it there or something."
He seemed inappropriate to go to a funeral on a bike, dressed in a suit and all, but the church as an hour away by walking, and his bike was his only transport.
"Oh. Okay." She nods, turning once again to walk out of the room, before calling back, "Do you want a snack?"
"I'm fine." he says back, watching as his mother says okay again and disappears off down the hallway.
He couldn't eat anyway. Not with this new dose of worry and anxiety twisting around him. He hated leaving his mother in the house alone. She had these...episodes, the doctor's called them. Times when she couldn't remember where she was and would thrash about and cry out, try getting to the door. Robin tried to be home when that happens, or at least have someone home but with him having to go to school, his dad having to go to work, and not exactly friends with their neighbours, Anna was left to suffer the episodes alone, try to bring herself out of them and all Robin can do is lock the front door and hope to God she doesn't throw herself out the window.
And it looks like that's what he'll be doing today.
So he grabs his keys off the hook, gives one last glance at his mum watching the TV and sipping her tea, before shutting and locking the front door, making his way through the dingy flat and to the bike shed, his stomach feeling like it was made from lead.
…:...:...
She needs to stop picking the skin around her nails. Needs to stop fidgeting, can almost hear her mother in the background telling her to stop doing this and that, to sit up straight, be still, look strong, don't show any emotions. But her mind is scattered, barely hearing what the minister is saying, her mind just focused on what comes next; the eulogies.
Regina knows she's expected to say something, knows Faye is going to- she told her that much on the drive here- yet Regina hadn't told the funeral director. She sat up most of the night writing this speech about Daniel but never called up to ask for a spot.
She'd even memorised what she'd wrote. Knew it off by heart, but now the words just scramble together, that lump back in her thought. She couldn't read it now; everything that happened at a funeral was planned in advance, perfectly timed for the next funeral appointment afterwards (as morbid as they sounded) and Regina knew she wouldn't have been able to get the words out, anyway, she'd just be wasting time.
So she didn't make that call.
She'd brought it with her, though. Packed it into the bag before she left. Perhap she'll read it later, after the burial when everyone's gone, read it to Daniel's grave, alone, where nobody will be there, just her…
"I don't know where to start. So forgive me for stating the obvious…"
Faye's voice brings Regina back to the surface, back to now and not the burial later, not her speech. She listens to every word the woman says, she owes her that much.
"I shouldn't be standing here, delivering my son's eulogy. Life is full of cruel irony like that, death is...unforgiving," Faye continues, and Regina couldn't agree more.
"I expected to stand here today inconsolable, broken, instead for the first time since his death, I feel complete. Seeing how many people he touched- with his smile, his unwavering generosity, his capacity to love, has made me realise this doesn't have to be sad- all the things he did. All the things he could have done. This speech can be a celebration- not of his life, but of him. Daniel smiling from the moment he was born. I thought I would be more prepared for his birth after having Luke, his brother. I wasn't, nothing can prepare you for the pain followed by unadulterated joy." She shuffles a bit, coughs, and Regina sees her eyes land on her husband as she says the next part.
"I lay there covered in sweat, exhausted as I held my baby boy." Her voice chokes a bit on 'baby boy' and it occurs to Regina that nobody has actually asked her how she was, not being Regina herself and she suddenly feels ashamed at that, angry at everyone else. Faye Colter has to bury her son today, a son she's only known for fifteen years, and Regina's stomach churns, her fingers back to picking the skin as she listens to the rest of the eulogy.
"My husband looked on too- a grin rivalling my own, Lucas, only three at the time, determined to stay up to see his brother, entered the room and sat on the bed, watching with amazed curiosity- I wish someone had taken a picture then- because we all knew that at that moment our family was complete. Every single one of us will have different memories of Daniel- all of which are precious, whether they be good or bad. For me the two, along with that of his birth, are two of the earliest ones I have. Daniel's first word was amly," Regina sees a smile form on the woman's face at the memory, her own one forming, too, as she remembers all those times she teased him over his first word once she found out. Remembers as though it was yesterday that time when he told her he would be going away for a few days to see his family, a smirk forming on Regina's face as she corrected him saying, Don't you mean amly. And Regina's suddenly overwhelmed with how long, yet, clear that memory is.
"The young babe unable to pronounce the full word. Family." her smile fades as she says the next words. "Daniel created his own family, making everyone feel welcome. He lived through helping people. The second marks another first- this time his first steps- towards the old black rocking horse- semi covered by a sheet. One year old Daniel struggling to get on the old skin horse. His papa helped him, and Daniel grabbed the reins thrashing them up and down, excited giggles escaping his little mouth." Round them, people laugh and Regina finds herself suddenly transported to the first day she met Daniel. The church hall turning into stables, the laughter turning into neighs, and Faye's voice turning into Daniel's- eleven and unbroken.
"Yeah, I have to clean you out."
Regina stops stroking her horse, listens to the voice in the stall next to her. One that sounds fed up and annoyed.
"Listen, Bert, I don't like it more than you do but someone has to do it, so if you wouldn't mind just moving out of the way, it'll help."
The horse just grunts, stubbonly unmoving and Regina can imagine the look on the boy's face.
"Come on…" he whines. "The quicker I get this done, the quicker I leave the alone."
But the horse still isn't doing what it's told. Just grunts for the second time and Regina can't hold back the laugh that escapes her, a hand instantly shooting to her mouth as the stall next to her goes quiet.
"Who's there?" the boy shout, and Regina stays quiet, maybe he'll think he just heard something and will carry on telling the horse to move and Regina will be able to sneak away.
But that doesn't seem to be the case.
"I know someone's there," he says, obviously trying to keep fear out of his voice. "I've got a...I've got a brush."
Regina bites her lip, wills herself to be quiet as she hears him sigh loudly.
"Great. So I've got a horse who won't listen and a ghost running around the stable. Lucky me." he ends sarcastically and Regina can't keep quiet then.
"I'm not a ghost," she shouts, trying not to scare the other horses around her. "But I think if you were nicer to...Bert...he might do as he's told?"
"Well, I'm Not A Ghost, regardless of how you speak to the horse, he still won't move so your point's invalid."
She frowns at that, annoyance forming inside her as she shouts back. "My point isn't invalid. You just don't know how to deal with horses."
He laughs back, his voice baiting. "I think I know more than you. My family's dealt with horses since they've been around."
That's when Regina feels a little game coming on. The fun and mischevious side of her kicking in as she says, "Okay, I Know All About Horses, why don't we have a bet? If I can get the horse to do what I say, you give me fifteen dollars and if he still doesn't listen, I owe you."
"I'll give you five dollars." he bargains but Regina just smile, she's already won.
"You're only saying that because you know I'm right."
"No. I'm only saying five to make it easier on you."
Regina shakes her head, her smile becoming more promiminate. She won't leave here unless he admits she's right and he's wrong. So she tries another route.
"Admit I'm right, and I'll leave the stall for you."
He sighs disbelievingly. "You're not gonna do that."
"Try me."
A silence passes between them and Regina knows he's thinking about it. As he said, he doesn't want to clean the stall and well, Regina will do anything to prevent going home so…
"Fine. But, you have to move the horse."
Regina shrugs, "Fine."
She gives Rocinante a little pat on the nose and winks at him, exiting her stall and going into the other.
The boy is holding out the brush, a smug smile on his face, as Regina reaches into the bucket and pulls out an apple, holding it in front of the horse's nose.
"Come on…" she coaxes, slowly walking backwards. The horse follows, enchanced by this apple as Regina moves him out of the way. She flicks her eyes to the boy, holds back laughter at his look of disbelief. When the horse is out of the way, she gives him the apple and a little stroke on his nose.
"See?" she asks, smug and feeling proud of herself.
The boy just shrugs. "Don't know why you're so smug. You still have to clean the stall."
Regina takes the out stretched brust, eyes not leaving his. "And you still owe me fifteen bucks."
His expression is priceless, and Regina can't hold back a laugh as he looks towards the horse still munching on the apple and cries at the horse, "Traitor."
….:...:...
"There are many more stories I could tell, more memories to share but these two sum up Daniel best, I think. A young man wise beyond his years. Happy, joyous, loving, and passionate from the minute he arrived and until long after he left."
He's never felt more connected to words before. Everything his mother said was true. He was all these things, will always be these things.
A young man wise beyond his years.
So how'd he get himself hit by a car?
The inside ceremony comes to end. Faye leaves the podium as they all stand and make their way outside and that's when Robin sees her, her nail picking at her finger, a distant look on her face. He wonders if he should walk out with her. Aside from his family, him and Regina were the one's who knew Daniel the most, shouldn't they stand together?
They weren't exactly strangers to each other, she was his tutor in maths when he was struggling- he still is, actually- but the lessons stopped once the accident happened, and he hadn't seen her since. Still, isn't it only right he stands by her? She's alone, and so he is...To hell with it.
He stands himself right as she walks by, greeting her with a little hey that has her stopping in her tracks.
"Robin." she says, surprised. "Listen, if you're here because of your tutoring…"
"I'm here because it's Daniel's funeral." Then he cringes slightly. The words coming out for frank and harsh than he intended to and she hears it too, watches as the words she was about to say dissolve and she frowns, giving him a hard look as that 'bitch face' masks her true feelings.
"Yes, well, I know that." the words intentionally coming out harsher than his were. "I just thought that's why you were talking to me."
"I don't care about tutoring, Regina. I just want to make sure you're okay."
It's true. He does, he realises.
"Well, I'm fine." she tells him and Robin knows she's not. "And you should care about your tutoring, it's just as important."
Robin rolls his eyes. "Coming from the one who hasn't been in school for the past three weeks."
She gives him another hard look. "Well, sorry if my mind hasn't been in the mood for geometry lately." She begins walking down the aisle then, saying; "We should go outside, don't want to miss the burial."
"Right." Robin murmurs to himself, feeling like an absolute arse as he follows her out the doors.
A crowd has already gathered around the burial site and they squeeze themselves into a gap, watch as words are said and the coffin is lowered down.
He looks to Regina, finds her blank faced and staring straight ahead. He looks around at the other mourns, Daniel's family, some seem neutral, others are silently crying again and Robin bites his lip, a heaviness forming in his chest as his hand find's Regina's, lacing their fingers together and giving her hand a little squeeze.
He keeps his hand loose after the squeeze, expects her to pull a hand away from his, but she doesn't, for some reason she doesn't, but neither does she make any sign that she knows he's there touching her. Perhaps it's better that way.
…:...:...
She can still feel his hand holding hers even after the hours that have passed. She wonders why he did it? Why he comforted her after how she spoke to him. Why he even cared.
All she knows is that he isn't here. Or, at least she hasn't seen him anywhere. Then again, she hasn't been paying much attention, choosing to swirl her straw around in her soda, thinking.
She hadn't paid much attention to the burial. Kept her gaze ahead, her mind blank, she even tried to ignore the feel of Robin's hands warming her hand.
Daniel would have hated this. How much she wants to run away and deny it all, how horrible she's been to Robin…
She should probably go look for him, actually. Apologise to him. He's probably hurting, too. Daniel was his best friend after all…
To choices to then, nobody will notice her absence after all. So, she pushes away her drink, grabs a bag and wonders where he'd be.
She let's herself guide herself towards the exit, suddenly having a feeling of where he could be…
The cold hits her as soon as she walks out the door. Dull weather, it seems. Appropriate for the day. So, hugging herself, she walks down the hill, grateful that the bar was only a walk up the road.
She sees him as she rounds the corner and walks into the cemetery, standing, looking down at Robin's grave, he seems lost in thought, not really there and Regina's unsure whether to go over to him, to interrupt this private moment.
Yet, for better or for worse, she decides to go over to him. Makes the short way from the gate to Daniel's grave and stands a little behind Robin.
At first, she doesn't say anything yet he knows she's there, but he doesn't turn around, instead he stays looking at Daniel's grave and says; "Why didn't you say anything?"
Regina frowns, confused, asking, "Say what?"
"Say a little speech. Like his mum did."
Regina relaxes her feature then, let's out a little oh and steps closer, coming to stand beside him. "I was going to. Had it all planned and everything, but I didn't make the call."
"Why?"
She sighs and shrugs, fingers once again picking at the skin and Robin's eye fall to her hands, watching her.
"I couldn't." she admits, nails picking harder. "I guess I was in a lot of denial back then."
He looks at her then and Regina moves her eyes to Daniel's grave, the words; Loving son sears into her brain.
"How about now?" he asks.
She knows what he's asking. She could read it now, that lump has died now. The words are still jumbled up but that's why she brought her eulogy with her right?
"You want to hear it?" she asks, almost looking for his approval.
"It doesn't matter if I want to hear it or not," he shrugs, looking back down at the grave. "He would."
He's right. Daniel would want her to read it, and it is only the two of them and a grave, so why not?
She opens her bag then, fishes for the folder and takes it out. Robin rolls his eyes, mutterings something like You would have it all organised and Regina can't help but smile at that, remembering back to the tutoring days when he asked her how she managed to be so productive and organised.
She opens the folder and takes the stray piece of paper out, holding the file out to Robin which she takes as a hint to hold it, then she begins to read, taking a deep breath and beginning.
"I sat by the tree where we used to meet to write this, wishing he was still there with me, silently cursing that he was making me do this at all." she hears Robin laugh at that, but ignores it, carries on reading, the paper edges crumpling in her grip.
"Every word felt forced, fake. For someone who had the priviledge of knowing Daniel, of loving him, I realised how little I knew about him. Standing here, in front of you, I realised I was wrong- I found the words so difficult to write, not because I didn't know him enough, but because I knew him too well. Daniel was, is genuine, he was always smiling," she feels the tears began to fall then, her voice begin to crack slightly but carries on reading.
"He had a way that made everything look simple. He had a- a smile that could brighten up the world. He was intelligent- always getting the highest grade, well...highest grade after me- but he was modest and worked hard. He gave the teachers hassle, but he valued his education, it just wasn't his passion. That belonged to the horses. You could always find him there, mucking out the stables. Teaching the children how to ride- he was a natural teacher, calm, patient and passionate."
She turns the page to read the next side, bringing a hand to wipe away the tears. She doesn't look at Robin, hasn't even glanced, just carries on reading away, hands numb from the cold.
"I don't know all of you, but we all knew Daniel, so I hope you forgive me for addressing this to him." She pauses, and it's almost likes she's there, standing on that podium, all those people watching her, but then her eyes flick to the grave, to Daniel's name written in gold and she crouches down onto the grass and dirt, places the paper down and speaks like he's really standing there, and he is, she can see him, looking down at her...
"Thank you," tears glisten down her face. "Thank you for making French easy. Thank you for your sweet, infectious smile. Thank you for the words of encouragement. Thank you for sharing your life with me. Thank you for making freedom possible, for even the most trapped soul. Thank you for making loving you easy. Thank you for all the memories, and let everyone remember you the way you'd want- smiling, laughing, and at peace with the world on the back of a horse."
She watches as that picture she must have formed of Daniel fades, the stone coming back into view and the words etched upon it.
She's no longer numb. No longer crying. Just at peace. Finally.
"That was beautiful-"
A ringing phone interrupts them. Regina's phone. She fishes in her pocket and pulls it out, "Mother" glaring across the screen and she could kill her, Regina could kill her right then and now. Even a mile away, her mother still finds a way to ruin everything.
Her eyes flick to the time, and she jumps up from her stop admidately, startling Robin in the process.
"I have to go. I'm gonna be late." She picks up the paper, takes the folder from Robin and shoves them both back into her bag.
"You have somewhere else to be?" He almost sounds offended, like Daniel should be the top of her priority list. And he is, oh how much he is...Of course her mother doesn't view it the same.
"I'm sorry, Robin. It's my mother. I was supposed to be back hours ago." Robin nods, still in disbelief as Regina starts to leave, walking back down the stoned path.
"Regina!"
She stops, turning back. "Yeah?"
"If you need anything. Want to talk or...anything, don't be scared to call me."
She smiles and nods. "Thank you." Before turning away again and making her way out of the cemetery, preparing herself for whatever lecture Mother wants to throw at her.