Author's Note: I wrote this one-shot for bloodyhell92's 'Funny Quotes Challenge!!'. It was fun :D I am pretty sure that I've managed to fit all the requirements and funny quotes into the story! I HOPE YOU LIKE IT!
Peace
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The first morning of their Easter holidays, and Hermione had dragged Harry and Ron to the library to study. Ron moaned and complained loudly about the inhumanity of it all, and Harry slept facedown in his textbook while Hermione nagged at them for procrastinating.
"Honestly! You're both going to be in the same grade with Crabbe and Goyle for the rest of your natural born lives if you don't shape up!" She huffed. "This is our sixth year, for Merlins sake!"
Just then, Cho Chang swept over to them. "Oh, hello! I didn't think anyone would be here this early."
"Nobody in their right mind would be." Ron said while Harry sat up awkwardly.
Cho shrugged. "I couldn't sleep. There's someone in the four poster next to me shouting 'I keep telling you, I can't get it up!' and I thought it would be in the best interest of my mental health if I just came down to the library and maybe got some studying done."
Hermione nodded. "Good for you. See? You two should follow Cho's example and-"
"Now you're here, though, why don't we play a card game?" Cho said, clearly not listening to Hermione. She whipped a deck of cards out of her book bag.
Hermione crossed her arms. "Really, we've got a lot of studying to do! Would you mind?"
"No, not at all. Come on guys, we'll sit over here so we don't disturb Hermione." Cho said, luring Harry and Ron away with her card wielding siren charms.
Hermione stood up, indignant. "Harry! Ronald! What are you doing? Fine, go play cards, but don't think you're getting even a glimpse of my notes! Hopeless gits!"
She plopped down into her seat angrily and buried her nose into a textbook, fuming silently.
"So, what game do you want to play?" Harry asked.
"Do you know how to play Dai Hin Min?" Cho asked. The two boys' blank expressions spoke for themselves. "Okay, I'll teach you.
It's really a fun game!"
A Few Rounds Later
"Ah, what?! This game stinks!" Ron said, frustrated. Harry just laughed. "Being a rich man isn't all it's cracked up to be, is it Ron?"
"Shut up, Harry!"
Just then, someone else entered the library.
"Hello Harry, Ron..." It was Luna. As usual, she seemed to have wandered into the room by accident and dreamily walked over to them. "Have you seen my earrings lying around?"
"No." They answered in unison.
"Oh, you mean those radishes?" Cho asked. "Yeah, I saw a Slytherin showing them off. I thought you'd just given them away."
"Why would I do that?" Luna asked.
Ron, who desperately wanted to stop playing and losing this card game jumped to his feet. "That is unacceptable!" He roared. Madame Pince's glare almost singed his eyebrows, so he spoke a little quieter. "You can't let them get away with that, Luna! We've got to go reclaim what is rightfully yours!"
"I'm sure they'll return them...eventually..." Luna said.
Ron shook his head. "No! They've got no right to treat you like that! C'mon, Harry! Let's go get Luna's radishes back from that Slytherin scum!"
Luna beams. "Thank you, Ron! That's so nice of you!"
Hermione raps Ron on the shoulder. He turns to look at her, and she crosses her arms and taps her foot testily. "You don't even know who has the radishes, Ronald. It's the holidays, they might not even be at Hogwarts, and if they are they're probably in the
Slytherin dormitories. How do you intend to retrieve Luna's radishes? You will do absolutely anything to avoid responsibility, won't you?"
"Sounds like our little brother." Someone said. They all turned around. It was Fred and George.
"Hey, guys." Ron said, not at all surprised to see his brothers at Hogwarts. "You want to help us break into the Slytherin common room to get Luna's radishes back?"
Fred looked at Luna. "Why not just go down to the kitchens and get more radishes?"
"They're actually earrings." Luna said.
George and Fred exchanged a look before shrugging and grinning.
"Sure, you could probably use our help."
Hermione sighs exaggeratedly. "You aren't seriously going along with this, are you Harry? Harry?"
She turns to look at Harry, who is snogging Cho and probably couldn't care less at the moment about Ron's wild attempts to avoid studying and losing at a card game.
"Oh, sweet niblets!" Hermione says exasperatedly. "Didn't the two of you do nothing but get on each others nerves while you were dating? What are you- oh never mind!"
"All right, let's go!" Ron said, not comfortable watching his best mate make out with the girl who had been beating him so badly at that stupid card game.
"Fine." Hermione said.
Ron frowned. "You're coming? I thought you said it was a waste of time?"
"You think I can focus on my studies with those two in the library? No, it seems like I won't be getting anything useful done this morning, so I might as well go with you." Hermione said, gathering up her things. "No offense, Luna. I just mean to say that I don't think breaking and entering is the way to handle this."
Luna nodded vaguely. "My nargle senses are tingling..."
"Oookay then."
They quickly dropped off all their belongings so they would not be weighed down, in case they needed to make a run for it, before heading down to the dungeons.
"Wait, have you even thought this through?" Hermione chuckled mirthlessly. "Of course you haven't. You're Ron. What am I thinking?"
Fred put an arm around Hermione's shoulders and George did too.
"You worry too much, Hermione. Relax. We've got it all worked out, up here." He said, tapping his temple.
"Well that's a reassuring notion." Hermione said sarcastically. "Thank you for putting my mind at ease."
"Hermione..." George said sounding confused. "Are those...boobs?!" He said, looking at her shirt. Ron stopped on the stairs and swiveled around. Even Luna stopped and looked at Hermione, tilting her head.
Hermione flushed and crossed her arms again, glaring. "Shut up, will you? Just tell us the plan and we can get on with it."
Luna interrupted. "What's areola mean?"
"Oh sweet niblets..." Hermione said, slapping a hand over her face.
"Do you want your radishes or not?!"
"What do radishes have to do with areolas?" Luna asked.
"Good question." Fred said.
"We'll go over that later," George said. "In the meantime, let's go get us a password."
Hermione frowned. "How do you plan on doing that? I doubt Professor Snape would give us the password to go snoop through his students things all for a set of radish earrings."
"Can we stop saying radish?" Ron asked. "It's starting to sound strange. I don't know...radish. Radish! See? Weird."
"Uh oh," Luna said. "It looks like a Wrackspurt's got him."
"Whatever you say, Luna." Hermione said.
Fred and George lead them to the corridor to the Slytherin common room, and they all managed to squeeze into an alcove.
"So, tell me...why are we hiding here?" Hermione asked.
"Simple. We're going to squeeze someone for the password." Fred said.
"We're on a rescue mission." Luna said. "Who knew this could be so...squishy?"
Ron snickered. "He doesn't mean we'll literally be squeezing someone to get the password out of them, Luna."
"Good, because I that might get someone slapped." Luna said.
Fred and George shrugged.
"Shh! Someone's coming." George said.
To be on the safe side, Ron covered Luna's mouth with a hand to keep her from announcing their position with Gulping Plimpie mating calls or something similar. Hermione's glare was fiery enough to illuminate the dark crevice in which they all were huddled, but Ron in all his oblivious wonder managed to stay, well, oblivious to her expression.
What took place next happened quickly. Fred and George pounced on a small Slytherin first year that was on his way out to run errands for an upperclassman and tied the poor kid up with magically conjured ropes, then dragged him back to their alcove.
"Is this thing magically enhanced?" Hermione asked, noting that no matter how many people squeezed in, there managed to be enough room for them.
"That's what she said." Fred and George said in unison, earning themselves a smack upside the head each.
The little first year was frightened, but was hiding it well. "What do you stupid Gryffindors think you're doing down here tying me up like this? Release me and get lost, or-"
"Or you'll do what?" Fred asked, snickering.
"Cry for his mum, probably." George said reasonably. Fred nodded in agreement.
"I do not cry for my mum!" The little Slytherin growled. "Now let me go! This is kidnapping."
George ruffled the kid's hair. "Kidnapping is such an ugly word. We prefer to say that we...intercepted you. Now, if you'd like to get out of those ropes any time soon, you'll tell us what we want to know!"
"You'll pay for this! Help! Help!"
Luna freed herself from Ron to pop a Gurdyroot into the Slytherin's mouth to muffle his cries for help. "I just want my earrings back. Then we'll let you go...and you can keep the Gurdyroot, too, if you tell us where they are."
"Don't scream-" George said, getting ready to remove the Gurdyroot so the Slytherin youth could spill the beans.
"Or cry for your mummy-"
"Or you will wake up to find yourself underwater and of the opposite gender. Capisce?"
The Slytherin's eyes widened and he nodded quickly. They removed the Gurdyroot, and the kid gasped. "I don't know about any turnips!"
"Radishes mate. Radishes. We don't go through this trouble for just any vegetable." Ron said.
"Actually, they're my earrings."
The Slytherin kid looked at them all like they were stupid. "So this is all about radishes, is it?"
"Actually-"
Ron interrupted Luna. "All you have to do is tell us who has the radishes and where they are, and nobody will ever know it was you."
"He's also got to give us the password to their common room, Ron. Don't forget that!" Hermione reminded him.
"I didn't forget!" Ron said defensively. "I was getting to that."
"Sure you were."
Ron cleared his throat. "Like I was GOING TO SAY...Just tell us where the radishes are, and help us get into the common room, and you will be a free man. If you don't, you'll be a woman under water."
"I can't give away the password, they'll kill me!"
"Nobody has to know it was you. If we get caught, we'll say we waited and listened for the password."
Hermione slapped a hand over her face. "Which would have made more sense than trying to squeeze a first year for the password, you dolts!"
"Hush, Hermione." George said.
Hermione scoffed at being hushed.
"Yes, everything shall be hush hush, even Hermione. Okay? You won't get in trouble. We're just trying to retrieve this lovely young lady's stolen radishes." Fred said.
"I will not hush! You all are complete-"
Ron covered Hermione's mouth with his hand, and she bit him. Hard.
"Ow! Merlin's beard, Hermione, that hurt!"
"Uh oh, now you'll become a succubus, Ron." Luna said. "I've heard their bite will transform any living creature into one of them."
Hermione growled. "What utter nonsense! First of all, I am not a succubus-"
"Could've fooled us." The twins muttered. Hermione threw her shoes at them and hit them in the side of the head.
"Secondly, that whole bite thing is just complete garbage!"
"Prove it."
Hermione snapped. She grabbed Luna's arm and bit her. Hard.
"Ouch, that does hurt." Luna said calmly.
Ron nodded. "See?"
"There! Now look, you aren't changing into a succubus. Proof, right there on your arm!"
"...I've also heard they can choose which victims they change and which they don't." Luna said airily.
"You...YOU'RE MAKING THIS ALL UP AS YOU GO ALONG! YOU'RE INSANE!" Hermione said. "YOU NEED HELP!"
Ron smacked Hermione. "Pull yourself together, man! Er...woman!"
Hermione panted. "Yes, thank you...right. Where were we? Oh! Where's the Slytherin? He's gone!"
Fred shrugged. "Well, while you were distracting everyone and losing focus, Hermione, we decided to use our time wisely and pump the twerp for answers."
Hermione's eye twitched. The twins were more focused than her? She sighed and her shoulders slumped. "Can today get any more backwards?"
"The password is 'S.P.E.W.'!" Fred said, gaining them access to the Slytherin common room.
Hermione gaped.
"Hey, you should really get that eye twitch looked at, Herms."
George said.
"It's the Tupsaloo Eyebug. It sneaks into your subconscious mind and river dances on your eyelids." Luna said informatively.
Hermione didn't even bother with this one, she just nodded and went along with the group as they entered enemy territory.
Ron titled his head. "Hey, couldn't we have just said 'accio radishes'? Er, Hermione?"
Hermione was banging her head on the wall. RON thought of a sensible course of action before HER? No way...this must be a dream...but her head hurt, so it wasn't a dream after all..."NOOO!"
Luna stuffed another Gurdyroot into Hermione's mouth. "If silence were gold, you'd be a very poor man indeed, Hermione."
"Okay, gang! Let's spread out and search for clues! Me and Hermione will go this way, Fred and George will go that way, and Luna and the dinosaur will go that way." Ron said, pointing at a small stegosaurus about the size of a fat pony that had just entered the room.
"Er, guys? Where'd that dinosaur come from?" Hermione asked.
Ron had seen it too, so she wasn't losing her mind. Yet.
"Oooh!" Luna clapped her hands. "It's not a dinosaur, it's a Marfaloofin Skiddlepup!"
The Tupsaloo Eyebug in Hermione's subconscious was dancing like mad. "It's a stegosaurus, Luna. Although that doesn't explain what it's doing in the Slytherin common room."
"I told you, it's a Marfaloofin Skiddlepup. They aren't dinosaurs at all. They're fish." Luna said.
"How can they be fish?! There is no such thing! You have issues! Seek help!" Hermione said.
Luna ignored Hermione's desperate ranting and kneeled down to pet the Marfaloofin Skiddlepup, or whatever it was. "Can I keep you? I shall name you...Luigi!"
"Oh, sweet niblets. Luna, you cannot keep a dinosaur! This is probably an experimental charm of some sort, and highly illegal, and-"
Luna climbed on the back of the stegosaurus, and sat between the plates. "Onward, Luigi! Onward to victory!"
"What victory?! You're mad, woman! Mad I tell you!"
Ron separated Hermione and Luna and they all split up to turn the Slytherin common room upside down looking for radishes. They'd search the common room before moving on to the dormitories.
Luna rode the Marfaloofin Skiddlepup around the room, humming a waltz, as if she'd find another of her imaginary creatures in this common room. She kept a lookout near the dormitories while the others searched.
Hermione opened a drawer and Harry popped out and fell onto the floor. "Harry!"
"Uh...how'd I get in that drawer?" Harry asked.
"Ask Luna." Hermione said.
"I'll bet that that wasn't really Cho Chang at all, but a Slytherin who wanted to lure you into the Slytherin common room so they could do all kinds of unpleasant things to you with a back scratcher and a sewing machine." Luna said simply.
Hermione blinked. "Aside from that last part, what you said was actually...possible. Oh god, she's starting to make sense to me! I've got to get out of here!"
"The British are coming! The British are coming!" Luna cried out, waving her arms wildly.
Harry looked confused. "Er...we are the British, mate."
"No, I mean the OTHER British." Luna said.
Everyone gasped as if this made any sense at all. Before they could hide, someone ran out of the boy's dormitories.
It was Draco Malfoy. He ran into the room, apparently not expecting it to be full of Gryffindors and one Ravenclaw. His pajamas consisted solely of a pair of boxers...with hearts on them. "Alright!! Who stole my stash of lollipops?!" He roared.
Everyone kind of stared at the hearts for a beat, before Draco squealed like a girl and tried to cover himself up.
"Well, that answers that question." Fred said.
"Boxers or briefs?" Ron asked.
"No," George said. "What scares you the most."
"I could have lived my whole life without that image in my head." Harry said, wincing.
"What are you idiots doing here?" Draco said combatively.
Fred couldn't help himself. "That's tough talk coming from a chicken legged kid in pink boxers."
Draco blushed madly. "Why you-"
"Draco? Drakie-poo, where are you?"
Suddenly, Pansy was right beside him in an overlong t-shirt. She had come out of the boy's dormitories.
Harry's expression was appalled. "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?"
"Well, I'm no psychic, but it would appear that young Mr. Malfoy here just did the deed with Pug-er...Pansy over there. A brave man," George said.
Fred nodded. "To go where no man could bear to go before."
"Hey, don't talk about her that way!" Draco and Harry had spoken at the same time. Everyone in the room gaped.
"Harry, is there something you need to tell us?" Ron asked.
"He's been possessed by a Wamboonamu, it's like a parrot but it
can control people and make them mimic others and-" Nobody was listening to Luna, too busy gawking at Harry and Draco and Pansy.
"You and…HIM?" Harry asked Pansy incredulously. "Why...how could you do that? I thought what we had was special!!"
Pansy slapped Harry across the face. "Pull yourself together, man!"
"I can't find my pants, I left them out here...are those my pants? Can you hand me my pants?"
Then Goyle joins them in the common room, thankfully in a full set of pajamas, and pulls Draco behind him. "Stand back!" He commands all of them. "I know Ninjutsu!"
"Wow...someone just walked in who looks an awful lot like Goyle." Luna said.
"It IS Goyle, you lunatic." Draco said, trying to look around Goyle. "Did you eat my lollipops, Goyle?"
"Er...STAND BACK, I SAY! I KNOW NINJITSU!"
Harry's pouting now as he speaks to Pansy. "That's it, Pansy! You've broken my heart! I can't take it anymore! Friendship equals over! You are no longer in my magic circle!"
"Why?" Pansy asked. "Don't you think you're overreacting?"
"No! How am I overreacting? You and Malfoy…urk… I thought you liked ME? Why would you do this to me?"
"I didn't do it to you, that's why you're upset." Pansy said rationally. Ron choked into his sleeve.
"Why Malfoy, though?" Harry asked.
"Well, he's no contortionist, but..."
Harry covers his ears and screams. Pansy smacks him again.
"Pull yourself together, man!"
Draco spots the Marfaloofin Skiddlepup. "What's up with the dinosaur?"
"We thought you'd know." Hermione said.
Draco shook his head. "I have no idea."
"It's not a dinosaur, it's a Marfaloofin Skiddlepup." Luna said brightly.
"Sure it is, kid." Draco said. "Have you seen my lollipops?"
Meanwhile, Goyle and the twins are huddled together on the other side of the room.
"How do I know these aren't some of your joke candies?" Goyle said.
"Well, with your pea-sized brain, I'm surprised you've mastered even a fraction of the English language." George said.
Fred nodded. "Now, let's be honest. An infant could pull one over on you without breaking a sweat. What fun would we get from tricking one as simple as you? No, we like challenges, right George?"
"Right Fred, and sorry mate, but you're as unchallenging as they come."
"A bit 'challenged', but not a challenging target in the least."
"Yup."
"Okay, okay! I get it. Just give me the lollipops so I can replace the ones I ate."
"Alright, then. Five sickles."
Goyle paled at the jacked up prices, and in his indignation he lost his capacity for volume control. He shouted, "BUT I ONLY HAVE TWO KNUTS LEFT!"
Everyone looked their way.
"Well then, mate, I guess we've severely underestimated you." Fred said.
George slipped Goyle a bag of pops. He muttered quietly, "We'll send you the bill."
"Thanks!"
As they walked away from the ape, they snickered. "Do you think he'll give those to Malfoy or eat them?"
"Either way, I hope we're there to see their tongues catch on fire."
"Easiest prank ever."
Luna is spinning slowly around the room. "My nargle senses are tingling..."
"THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS NARGLES!" Hermione hollered. "And that is not a Marfaloofin Whatever you call it! It is a tiny stegosaurus!!"
Just then, something greasy and bat like swept into the common room. "What is all this tomfoolery? Why are you lot in this common room?!" He snarled.
"Professor Snape! It's good you're here. Perhaps you can settle a debate for us. Is this a Marfaloofin Skiddlepup, or a stegosaurus in miniature form?" Luna asked.
Snape stared down at the creature Luna was riding, and shrugged.
"Eh. Tomayto, Tohmato."
Luna nodded seriously. "Wise words, sir. Oh, it looks as if Hermione's subconscious is being plagued by another Tupsaloo Eyebug."
"Enough! When I get through with you lot, your house points will be so far into the negative numbers..." Snape threatened.
"Sir, what's areola mean?" Luna asked.
Snape looked down at Luna again, before disregarding her completely. "I could probably get you all expelled for this." He said, rubbing his hands together sinisterly.
"It must feel like Christmas has come early, eh Snape?" Fred said.
"Well, sorry to rain on your parade, but I'm afraid you'll never take us alive!!" George said.
"Why not?" Snape asked.
"Because we aren't students here...and because we've got these!" The twins threw down some smoke bombs and cackled evilly.
"Now we shall make our escape!"
The twins tripped over footstools and bumped into each other on their way out the door.
"...Okay, then." Ron said.
"I wonder why they were here if they weren't students?" Luna said.
"Yeah, I was kind of wondering that myself..." Hermione said.
Harry nodded. "I have no idea."
Snape cleared his throat. "Now, for your punishment..."
"Sir! Sir!" A house elf ran into the room from the door Snape had just entered through. "You forgot your bun in the oven!"
"Eh?" Everyone said in unison.
Snape runs off after the elf, and they follow out of curiosity, radishes forgotten.
"A bun in the oven...surely Snape isn't a...father?!" Hermione thought incredulously.
They follow Snape into a room, and they all look around wide eyed and disbelieving. It's Snape's secret room of...baking!
"Good, they didn't burn." Snape said, pulling an actual bun out of the oven. There was a plate of buns on the nearby table, and also crumpets and scones and a pot of fresh tea.
"Well, I would have never thought you'd be the domestic type, Professor." Hermione said, looking around.
Snape glared at them all defensively. "I slave over a hot cauldron all day, I might as well learn to make something to sustain myself, right? Now about those house points..."
"Oh, Severus! You seem to be having a tea party without me." Dumbledore said, entering the room. "Help myself? Don't mind if I do." Dumbledore said, pouring himself a cup of tea.
"Damn it! No! Why is everyone suddenly crowding around me? Get out, you pests!"
The house elf looks around and counts the number of people. "Oh my, so many guests. I'd better go get more jam."
Luna pulls the house elf onto her trusty steed. "I'll come with you."
"I hate you all!" Snape thunders.
Ron calls after them, spraying Hermione with scone crumbs. "Don't forget the butter!"
-End-
Authors Note: I wonder whatever happened to those radishes? Hmm. XD Maybe one day I'll write a sequel. The Return of the Radishes!!
Thank you so much for reading; I hope it made you smile!
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