Alone We Crumble
You can't leave me here
Alone in our castle
Alone in everything we have.
-Song: Olivia "Alone in Our Castle"
The smell of pot roast was starting to fill the house. Through the windows came the cascade of vibrant hues from the sunset. They cast a wonderful light in the white kitchen, drowning out the pale green curtains. Nancy was cutting carrots at the island when the telephone rang. She placed the knife down as she reached for the phone.
"I've got it..." John called from the living room.
Hand mid-way she paused and withdrew. The sound of John's voice echoed from the other side of the house, but quickly it became muffled. He's shut himself in the study.
Deeply upset by the act Nancy started to madly slice the vegetables for the salad. He'd gotten another call. He was about to leave...again. Scrapping the food into a bowl, she let the wooden chopping block slam back onto the tiled counter. Pressing the side of her wrist against her mouth she took in a deep breath. Leaning into the counter she wiped off the knife and set it back down.
Suddenly John's footsteps rang out from the entry hall as he walked into the kitchen. His hands were pressed into the pockets of his denim pants and for a moment his eyes lingered on the floor.
Just say it, Nancy silently urged as his green eyes glanced up to her.
He shifted uncomfortably before he spoke.
"I've got to go..." he said unable to finish as a look of disappointment spread across Nancy's features.
"Of course you do," she exclaimed, "Where to this time?"
Before he could answer she did, "Classified."
He ran his hand through his messy dark brown hair. Looking up he desperately struggled for an explanation, but his mouth remained parted, at a loss for words. The secrets were leaving her broken, he could die in some far corner of the globe and she'd never know. Her days were spent jumping at every ring of the doorbell, knock at her office door or chime of the telephone. Some stranger would tell her the love of her life was dead and the government would give her a 'sorry for your loss' letter, typed and signed as if they really knew him.
"You've only been back two days..." she finally pointed out.
"I'm sorry, but the Air Force needs me..."
"Did you ever think that maybe I need you?" she interjected.
He fell silent.
"I'm living with a ghost..." she stated as she picked up the salad and dumped the contents of the bowl into the trash before she turned off the oven.
"You're upset," he finally responded, "We'll talk when I get back."
He slowly began his retreat towards the front door. Nancy moved to follow. Her bare feet traced over the cold kitchen tiles and onto the wood floor. The tiny entry at the bottom of the stairs was dark. The deep blue paint had turned the space into a cave, but even in her claustrophobia she'd never felt further from John.
To her dismay she saw his bag sitting under the coat rack. You haven't even unpacked from your last trip...
"I don't think I'll be here when you get back," she abruptly threatened with hands on her hips as he scooped up the luggage and headed out.
John paused for a moment as he stood idly holding the door open. Glancing back in, he sighed as his fingers shifted over the brass knob.
"We'll talk..." he replied as he walked out sliding the door closed behind him.
The sound of it shutting reverberated in the tiny entryway. Nancy leaned against the wall letting her head hang back. No we won't, she mumbled as she slid down to sit on the hardwood floor. The sound of the slamming car door made her wince.
"Just like you're always here when he gets back," she confessed out loud.
Finally standing up Nancy slowly walked upstairs and into their bedroom. The cream colored room held so many beautiful memories. She sat on the bed letting her hand rub against the soft brown comforter, slowly her eyes traced behind her. The sheets were neatly in place and pillow unwrinkled on John's side. The way they always are, she thought with a deep sigh.
The sun had started to set as darkness descended on the room. The shadows cast by the last of twilight shifted across the wall. Still she sat, mind racing. She wanted to cry, but the tears had stopped coming a long time ago.
Rising from the bed she headed towards the walk-in closet. An old suitcase sat on the floor, hidden by a grouping of dresses. She shifted them to the side, but one remained draped over it. White lace, it was her wedding dress...
He looked so dashing in his suit, waiting nervously at the altar. The whole ceremony he'd gently held my hand, his fingers shaking slightly. He'd smiled shyly as he repeated the words 'I do.'
"I now pronounce you husband and wife..." the priest had declared, "You may kiss the bride."
"About time..." John whispered with a grin as his lips closed in on mine.
Butterflies still fluttered in her stomach as the memory faded. That's how I'll always remember him...she sadly smiled.
Lugging the case to the bed Nancy lifted it onto the bed. As she stared at it she suddenly collapsed on the mattress. Her fingers dug into the fabric as she muffled her cries against the covers. She couldn't leave him. He was...he was...everything.
Breathing heavy she sat defeated on the white carpet. As she calmed herself she wiped away her tears with the sleeve of her blouse. A smear of mascara stained the grey fabric.
For the first time she realized she wasn't being fair. She couldn't live with John's secrets. John needed someone who could.
They had no kids. The separation would be clean. But the memories will follow, she sighed.
Forcing herself back up she began to open drawers as she collected clothes and stuffed them into the suitcase. Tears had begun to flow down her cheeks, but she didn't bother to catch them as they ran off her chin and dotted across the floor. A few of the droplets cascaded onto her bare feet.
Disappearing for a moment into the bathroom she finished gathering her belongings. Working the suitcase closed she zipped it up and propped it upright by the bedside. Extending the handle she started to wheel it out before she paused.
Glancing down to her left hand Nancy eyed her wedding band. With shaky hands she pulled at it with her fingers. The metal scraped over her skin digging in as it passed over the joint. A deep red line was left in its wake. Walking over she carefully placed the symbol of their love on the nightstand on John's side of the bed.
With a deep breath she quickly took hold of her suitcase and trudged down the stairs. Night had fully descended so she delicately navigated the steps.
Taking the car keys from the tiny table by the door she opened it. Passing one last glance back she tried to smile.
She would always love John and she knew he loved her back, but sometimes...well, sometimes love isn't enough.
The shutting front door rang loudly in the empty house.
You always loved to dance
I wish we had another chance
To go back in time
And do it again
Please don't go
-Song: Chantal Kreviazuk "Ghosts of You"
The drive home was long and John's eyelids hung heavy. He had turned on the radio, but had stopped listening hours ago. The blaring music had sunk into background noise like the purr of the engine. Foot heavy on the gas he raced towards the comfort of home.
The operation hadn't gone well...good men died. John always wondered if one day he'd be one of them. His mind echoed with the sound of gunfire and explosions. Reaching over he cranked up the music, trying to drown them out. He quickly squeezed his eyes shut before focusing back on the road.
The sun had faded into the horizon as the stars started to twinkle against the dark sky. Occasionally the glare from oncoming traffic overwhelmed his vision. Hand gripping tighter on the steering wheel John saw the distant green of traffic lights. He was closing in on the outskirts of town.
Surrounded by familiar streets he began to meander towards home. He had been trying not to think about returning. Nancy wanted something from him, something he wasn't sure he could give. He never seemed to find the words to express how he felt. I'm not good at that sort of thing...I'm just not...
Sighing he turned down their street. The row of houses sat with windows aglow, illuminating families at dinner and couples in front of the TV. Pulling up to the driveway he stared out at the overgrown lawn. The brick building stood oddly quite. No warm lights brought the house to life.
As he killed the engine and got out he dragged his bag with him from across the front seats. Quickly crossing through the grass he stepped onto the patio. The front door was locked as he tugged on the handle. Fishing in his pockets for the keys he finally got it open.
"Nancy," he called as he dropped his bag by the coat rack and closed the door.
Flipping on lights as he went he explored the house. Worry filled him. The Air Force would have contacted him if something had happened...would they? He started to panic, escalating his search.
"Nancy," he yelled out again as he finally scaled the stairs as he turned on the overhead light in their bedroom.
He stood completely still as his eyes focused on the disheveled end of the bed. Glancing around he caught a glimpse of the black expanse of the open closet. With a hesitant step he pressed further into the room. Uncertainty filled him. Did she...He couldn't finish the thought.
Letting his fingers run across the folds of the bed he looked around. Suddenly on the nightstand he saw it, the glimmer of metal. Lingering over the table he stared down with shocked eyes at the tiny wedding band. She did...his mind affirmed in a breathy voice.
Very slowly John reached out to pick up the ring. It felt so fragile between his fingers. Running a hand through his hair he dropped to the edge of the bed. The mattress gave under his weight as the pillow shifted towards him. His eyes remained fixated on the object. Fluttering eyelids, batted back the onset of tears as he glanced up and desperately looked around their room.
"Nancy," he called out, knowing finally that there wasn't going to be an answer.
His stare turned back to the remnant of their love. With a shaking chest he gripped his knee as the tears started to flow. The ring was still in his free hand as he closed his fingers over it. You left me how I've always left you...alone. He finally understood...too late.
Falling back against the bed John clutched the ring to his chest. For the first time in his life he felt utterly lost.
Nancy...his mind called again as his misty eyes stared, unblinking, up at the ceiling.
Fin