Disclaimer: Hellsing is Hirano's, not mine.

A/N: In a recent interview, Hirano is reported to have stated that Heinkel is neither male or female. You can take that as you will (or with a grain of salt). Me? I like to have fun with it.

Warnings: AU, crackfic, spoiler for Volume 8, mentions of character death, intersexuality, and unlikely conception, some fluff, and a couple of naughty words

"I'm sorry, Sister Takagi, I don't think I heard you correctly. Could you please repeat that?"

"I'm expecting. In a fix. A lady in waiting. With child. Bun in the oven. In the family way. Knocked up. Pregnant."

Father Renaldo appeared aghast. The recently appointed chief director spent several moments digesting the information before asking, "Who's the father?" With a dire arch of one brow, Renaldo eyed his new aide, as the young priest had seemed to fancy the nun.

"That's a bit of a funny story -" Yumie began to answer before she was cut off by her partner.

"It's me," Heinkel said.

"You, Sister Wulf?" Renaldo finally managed after staring at her in confusion. "How would that even be possible?"

"Well, you were on the other side of the confessional the next day..."

"Yes, yes, I remember that," Renaldo replied with a dismissive wave of one hand. "But that does not explain how you could have impregnated Sister Takagi. Please tell me just how that could have happened."

Heinkel gazed into space as she thought back to that night. "It was after a job, you see. I'd injured an arm, and just couldn't seem to get the dried blood off this one hard to reach spot -"

"Not the Harlequin version!" Father Renaldo snapped, becoming irritated. "I want a biological explanation of this pregnancy, and I want it now! What is it, Father Cobb?"

The aide appeared most uncomfortable before tersely replying, "I'll be in my cell."

"That man is never going to last in the priesthood, no matter how well he kills people," Renaldo commented with a shake of his head as Father Cobb left the room. He then turned his attention back to the parents-to-be in front of him. "Sisters, I'm waiting."

"You have my file," Heinkel responded. "You must know that my anatomy is... atypical."

"I have read the file, yes," Renaldo said. "But I did not believe you were functional in quite that way."

"Yes, well," Heinkel shrugged apologetically. "Neither did I."

"I know I sure didn't," Yumie piped in.

"Nevertheless, this is completely unacceptable." Renaldo sighed. "Anderson would turn in his grave."

"If he had one," Heinkel grumbled.

"Beloved Father was never even buried," Yumie lamented with a sniffle.

"To be fair, there wasn't anything left to bury. He did completely disintegrate after the nail was removed, after all. But back to the subject at hand," stern was Renaldo's tone as he pronounced judgement on the agents. "Both of you will receive disciplinary actions, and when the child is born, you will have to relinquish custody to one of the church's orphanages."

"That makes no sense!" The pair objected in distressed unison, with Yumie adding, "No way."

"Very well, then, Sister Takagi. You must have an abortion."

"But we're Catholic!" she protested.

"Yes, but you are Iscariot. The only parental role we can serve is in the upbringing and training of the next generation of the church's killers, and we most certainly are not to produce our own children. It says so quite clearly in the contracts you signed."

"We were nine!"

"It matters not," Renaldo said. "You are assassins, and I am ordering you to assassinate that fetus."

"Screw that!" Yumie exclaimed, eyes growing dangerously wide behind her bangs.

Heinkel nodded and put a protective arm around her babymama. "No one is taking or harming our child."

"If that is how you truly feel, Sisters," Renaldo told them flatly, "then you are fired."

"That is not fair."

"What did you expect? That we would provide daycare for your ill-sired offspring? Yumie, were you planning on going into battle wearing a 'Baby on Board' sticker on your maternity habit?"

"I suppose I had hoped for family leave," Yumie replied, looking down whilst twiddling her thumbs.

"Your hopes were in vain," Renaldo said. "As of this moment, you are no longer a part of this organization, or this church."

"You can't do that!" Heinkel protested.

"I just did. You should also know that you'll no longer be covered by our medical insurance."

"Son of a bitch!" Yumie shouted.

She started to lunge for the director, but Heinkel tightened the arm around her while cautioning, "Think of your delicate condition!" Yumie continued to snarl for several minutes before settling just enough for Heinkel's liking. Somehow, despite the tension in the room, Heinkel eventually asked, "May we at least take our weapons?"

With his most magnanimous smile, Renaldo answered, "Of course you may. Think of it as my gift for your baby shower."

"Motherfu -" Heinkel's hand clapped over Yumie's mouth, cutting off the epitaph.

"Thank you," she replied, lips in a tight line as she began to steer the bristling woman out of the office.

"You're welcome." Before they left, Renaldo added, "Do be sure to send me a photo of the little one!"

It was a miracle Heinkel ever got Yumie out of that room.

"So just what are we going to do now?" Yumie asked Heinkel as they sat on a bench in the secular city.

Heinkel had been pondering their future since before they left Renaldo's office and thought she had come up with a reasonable plan. "I was thinking we might go freelance."

"Freelance?" Somewhere under her hair, Yumie's brows furrowed. "Freelance what?"

"We're assassins," Heinkel answered. "We're very good at killing things, and with the overabundance of things that need killing in a post-World War Three world, there's definitely a market for those skills. So why not tap into it?"

"You mean kill stuff... for money?"

"It's a radical idea, I know, but yes."

"I like it," Yumie replied. "But I don't know how long I'll be able to work."
"Obviously I'd be the sole breadwinner for a while."

Yumie considered. "I guess we could make it work," she said. "You know what I'm thinking about?"

"What?" Heinkel asked, smiling slightly.

"Waffles. With syrup. And anchovies."

Heinkel made a face. "That sounds revolting," she said, placing a cigarette between her lips. She started to ignite it, but Yumie slapped the lighter from her hand before it sparked. "What the hell, Yumie!"

"Secondhand smoke is bad for the baby," Yumie answered firmly. "You're going to have to quit."

"I'll think about it."

"No, you'll do it."

"I'll think about it," Heinkel repeated, an arm slipping over Yumie's shoulders as she sighed. "So now our new life begins..."