Warning: Shounen ai
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto
Author's note: For ShikaNejiShika Day! The theme I choose was Loneliness
Loneliness
Shikamaru not a prince.
In their future there would never be a white horse riding towards a beautiful setting sun in hues of orange and soft-yellow.
If there was even a future at all.
He had not moved. He had not even tried for he had no desire to.
Moving meant he was met with a dark, empty room. He would have to admit to himself what had just happened was reality. His blood had ran cold and his heart had broken when the door had slammed. So he did not turn, in a futile attempt to keep at least his mask from breaking.
A knock sounded almost hollowly through the room and the door was opened without answer. Not that he wished to answer whoever was at the other side of the door. It would not be the one he wished for. Not ever again.
"Neji."
He didn't need to hear that low, cold voice to know it was his uncle.
Slowly he lifted his opalescent eyes to watch the Hyuuga's reflection in the glass of the window he stood in front of. The man was studying him with an impassive expression. The same look he himself wore on his face.
The perfect Hyuuga mask.
Their eyes caught and Neji took one, deep breath. The only sign of nerves he allowed himself to show.
He turned, slowly and gracefully until he was face to face with the one man that could have bettered his life when he was too young to do so.
He watched with empty eyes when the man swallowed and afterwards blinked. He wanted to laugh, to sneer at the man that was now standing in front of him as nervous as his eldest daughter used to be.
And he felt proud. Proud of what he had achieved. Proud of himself that the Main House did not want to lose him.
Yet they were too late in realizing he was of value, knowing his worth. And now, nothing could be done.
The one person he longed to have, he could not reach and his so-called family was to blame.
He sneered, his expression darkening and his eyebrows drawing together in an angered, almost furious expression.
"You were never my father after all." His voice was not even cold when he spoke. No emotion would he grace this man with.
The man that claimed to want nothing but the best for his brother's son yet had so far done nothing but bring his life to ruins.
He caught the flicker of hurt that passed Hiashi Hyuuga's face. The man took a shuddering breath before, almost desperately, asking: "Is there truly nothing you could ever hope to obtain from your family, Neji?"
"Do not offer me things while you have already taken everything from me." He spat.
His decision was made and there was not a single thing his uncle could do to change that fact.
Realisation was slow to appear on his uncle's face and when it did the man dropped his gaze to the floor, a sigh escaping Hiashi Hyuuga in a sign of retreat. "May your future be bright." He said softly.
Neji turned without a word. Within a few strides he stood in front of his closet and grabbed the bag that stood next to it.
The bag that had been standing there for days already.
He shot his uncle one last glance. One last look that confirmed he was indeed leaving his family, his nest, behind.
This night, Neji Hyuuga would fly.
And he walked out of the door of his room for the last time in his life, never returning again.
The sky was a mix of white and grey and rain threatened to fall. The streets were empty, and those that were outside fled at the first sound of thunder. Yet he kept moving himself forward, because he would not dare to call this dragging of his feet walking.
If anything, he had his freedom.
But the cost at which it had come would in the near future mean the end of him, of his sanity.
He had lost any grip on reality he had ever had when Shikamaru had left him.
Yet that last push towards an edge he had never been willing to walk meant the last push towards freedom. But never had he expected freedom to be this damn lonely.
No close friends, all kept at arm's length by a cold countenance and harsh words. No family for he had finally escaped from the road he always assumed was laid out for him.
But he could live without those.
And he tried to tell himself he could also live without a home, a place where he was loved. And he probably could, but only for a little while.
Because he had gotten so used to Shikamaru, to both the good and the bad habits. He had gotten used to someone caring about him, loving him as if he was the most precious thing in the world. Yet he was too late to realize that.
What a wonderful genius he was, he thought cynically.
A soft, tired sigh passed his lips. He looked up to the apartment-building he now stood in front of with an empty look. He wanted to be hopeful, but didn't dare to.
Being hopeful now would ruin him if things did not work out.
He knew why his feet had carried him to Shikamaru's apartment. He knew what he needed to do yet was so very afraid.
He had never asked for a lot of things in his life, needing a little and getting a lot. But now he was going to ask, beg if necessary, for a second chance.
Many a time his ex-lover had stated to feel looked down upon by Neji's family. Neji never denied that fact, for it was the truth. From the early stages of their relationship the Hyuuga-clan had shown their dismay for the relationship openly. After three years, when their relationship had become strong and stable, the Elders had forced him to decide. His lover or his family.
Shikamaru had assumed it to be an easy decision and had happily said that Neji could move in with him now.
Yet the decision was not as easy as it seemed. Because even though he wished to be together with Shikamaru for the rest of his life, moving in meant giving up his family. Forever.
He would not be a Hyuuga anymore. He would be without family and without name. And even though the choice should be easy, it was not.
And that moment of doubt, that flicker of hope that his family could ever love him, had been enough for Shikamaru.
The Nara had claimed to have put up with it for three years already and that if Neji didn't know by now where his heart lay, he would never know.
The time between his break-up with his lover and the arrival of his uncle had been short. Half an hour at most.
But the moment the door slammed he had regretted his decision, his doubt. He would not, could not find love in that godforsaken family and he should not have dared to hope.
And now he would beg Shikamaru for forgiveness if that was what it took.
No-one.
No answer, no stumbling, nothing when he knocked Shikamaru's door. If he were on a field, empty and alone, he would have cursed and yelled at his bad fortune.
He turned around and leaned his back against the door. He closed his eyes and took a deep, shuddering breath.
Perhaps this was what he deserved in life. After being cold-hearted, impassive and a general bastard for the majority of his living days.
But could fate truly be this an unkind mistress? Could his so-called destiny truly be damned into a lonely one?
He bit his lip in a barely succeeding attempt to keep tears at bay. He was not a Hyuuga anymore. He did not have a name to uphold nor did he have anyone in his life to answer to. He could cry if he wanted to.
But he was still Neji and tears had never come easy to him.
Rubbing a hand over his eyes he decided he could not stay where he was. A pathetic heap in front of his ex-boyfriend's door.
He pushed himself away and before he descended the stairs looked back to the door, hopeful.
Yet Shikamaru was not at home, would not open the door and welcome him back inside. And even if the Nara had been home, he would probably be met with scorn and anger.
Because if he had been in Shikamaru's place, he too would have given up. He too would have claimed it was too late and he too would try to move on as quickly as possible.
If he had not pushed the other away completely already with the delay of his decision.
Yet even if Shikamaru would never forgive him, never take him back, he made the right decision.
And he was not merely telling himself that over and over again to regain from completely snapping.
It was the right decision. Because even though he was alone, he was free.
"Father, I have achieved your dream."
The words came out unwanted, unnoticed and were laced with raw emotion. Tears stung in his eyes and even breathing felt like a chore.
How long could he continue fooling himself? He wasn't all right, wouldn't ever be again if Shikamaru did not forgive him.
Slowly he lifted his eyes until he could clearly see the Memorial Stone.
Yes, he had achieved what his father had wanted for him. Freedom, to be able to make decisions for himself and only himself.
"Yet I don't wish for freedom, not this way." He said mournfully. A chocked sob wrecked his body and he slid down the tree he had been leaning against.
Now that the shock was wearing off the reality of the situation started to settle in.
The mere thought that he had no family, not even Hinata whom he'd grown close to over the years, was both strange and painful.
They hadn't cared, had not been willing to act in his best interest and he was better off without them. But even though his childhood had been hell on earth courtesy of the Hyuuga Main House, they were still what he had considered family.
He had hated them, wished them dead more often than not yet they were his relatives. They had shared his name, memories. And even though the memories were nothing but bad ones, it was hard to let go.
Because now he was only a shadow of his former self. Now he was Neji, a nameless shinobi of Konohagakure without a family. And that hurt.
What added to the hurt was of course the fact that the one person he had given his family up for had left him.
It was his own fault. He should've known what or who to choose from the beginning. But could he truly be punished for such a doubt so cruelly? Was it not his nature to think situations through before making a decision?
Was it not normal human behaviour to want the love of one's family?
A lonely tear found its way down a porcelain cheek. Why, after years of emotional and mental torment, did he put such faith in a family he knew would only desert or use him? Why had he not blindly trusted his feelings for the man he had been with for such a long time?
"Why?" He called out softly and leaned his head against the tree, closing his eyes tightly. "Why did I hesitate?"
"Because they are your family."
A voice drifted across the clearing and Neji shivered in recognition. He kept his eyes closed, afraid what emotions the other would see were he to open them.
Was this his chance? He wondered. Could he beg for forgiveness in this pathetic state?
He could, yet he could not permit himself to harbour hope. He never had, so why start now.
He took a deep breath and opened his eyes. He did not want to, but he had to.
Because he was still Neji, defiant and stubborn until his last breath. And he would proudly face his ex-lover as if nothing had happened, as if his emotions were not torn apart and shattered. He would show Shikamaru he did not need pity, that he could take care of himself, on his own, even if that was not the truth.
And he did it because that was the last part of himself, a Hyuuga-trait of which at least he was slightly proud, he had not lost.
So he stood, stubbornly yet unwilling, and faced the Nara that took his breath away and made his heart flutter. Because those feelings had not left. He was still as in love with Shikamaru as he had always been and longed for those strong arms and broad shoulders to embrace him. To shield him from the pain he was feeling.
Yet he did not ask for he did not deserve it. He had no place in those arms anymore.
Their eyes met and Shikamaru took a step back, shock clearly on his face.
Neji could only wonder what the other had seen in his expression, but had the feeling it had been nothing at all. Complete and utter blankness.
"I have no family." He spoke, his voice quivering from the emotion his face did not show.
He swallowed. He sounded as if he had broken down completely, lost all grasp on reality. But was that not the truth?
It was, but it was not the person he wanted to show the man in front of him. He wanted to be strong, because he needed to be. Because after tonight, he would truly have nothing and no-one and he could not permit to lose himself as well.
He lowered his eyes, needed to in an attempt to keep himself from crying.
Why was this so hard?
His breathing stopped when Shikamaru moved closer to him. "You chose." He murmured.
It was not a question, Neji noticed. It was an observation that needn't be spoken aloud for it only hurt him more.
"Yes, yet too late." He whispered mournfully.
He froze in shock when fingers were gently laid against his cheek, caressing a familiar pattern.
"Don't." His voice was hoarse, his breathing ragged. How could he both want and hate this at the same time? "No pity. I made my decision and was too late. It is only justified I now suffer the consequences of my hesitation."
It was almost like he had ripped his own heart out. Those words hurt more than he had ever imagined. Why was he saying this? Why did he not beg for forgiveness?
He suddenly realized it was because he had hope. Hope that the Nara loved him enough to forgive him this out of his own free will. That Shikamaru understood that even though Neji loved him unconditionally, giving up family was a completely different matter.
So much hope, he thought bitterly, could only destroy him.
Silence fell between them and it seemed that even nature itself watched in complete silence as the two shinobi stood.
"You are not too late." Shikamaru spoke suddenly.
Neji's eyes flew open and he looked up, shocked. "What?" He whispered, not believing he heard the words correct. He could not have.
Yet he saw an affectionate smile appear on Shikamaru's lips, felt those eyes watching him and when their gazes caught, saw the tenderness in those depths.
"I was cruel, forcing you to choose. I lost faith temporarily because you did not jump the chance to get away from your clan." Shikamaru paused and brushed a strand of chocolate-coloured hair away from a pale face. "Yet I forgot they are also your family. You sacrificed everything you had just to be with me..." He trailed off, his smile turning sad.
Neji, with tears in his eyes, smiled a small smile. He was being forgiven. He did not need the words, he knew from the expression on Shikamaru's face he was forgiven. "You are worth every sacrifice I can ever hope to make." He whispered.
And suddenly he was captured in a crushing hug, hands grabbing his shoulders desperately. He returned the embrace, burying his face in Shikamaru's shoulder while his entire body was overtaken with a joy he had never felt in his entire life.
"I am sorry, so sorry. I shouldn't have left you like that." Shikamaru murmured. "I love you."
Neji hummed, unable to think straight. He was in the arms of the man he loved. He had him back and he was forgiven.
"I love you too."
Never before had so much emotion twirled inside of him, never had his heart fluttered the way it did now. Not even when they first kissed. This feeling, this freedom, this love was indescribable and he would never let the Nara go again.
And their lips met, the kiss tasting like salt. Because tears leaked freely from his eyes.
Finally he was free.
And he was not alone.
The End