Summary: Lily muses on her friend's opinions of her
She suddenly realized that in her group of friends there were five girls. She thought it strange that she had always metaphorically seen herself as the fifth wheel, but now could literally be one. It made sense to her, but it mostly made her feel depressed.
The feeling of seclusion she was constantly experiencing was only heightened by this new realization she had made. She may not have in reality been a burden or an extra to her four best friends, but she secretly thought that they all saw her as an immature little girl.
She loved each of her friends, and had different bonds with each of them, but usually found herself feeling like she had less in common with them than she actually had in common.
They all seemed to be obsessed with the idea of drugs, fags and booze. They acted like it was so cool, and like they were experts on the subject. She didn't really see the point of the whole business; it all seemed to her to be just to be destructive. She also found it highly unlikely that they knew as much about it as they claimed. She felt that when she expressed what she thought about it, they looked down on her for being a do-gooder.
Her friends were all always depressed for some reason. They had all contemplated suicide; she had never thought of killing herself. At such a young age it seemed like so much to throw away. Didn't they realize that by killing themselves they would be hurting everybody around them so much? She had most certainly been depressed (ironically, it was usually because of something they had done), but she never thought of doing anything to harm herself because of it.
She and one other girl were the only ones that seemed to show any interest in school or grades. She wanted to go to college, and she wanted to know things. The others talked of dropping out, moving, not going to college. Didn't they understand that decisions like that would haunt the rest of their lives (granted that they didn't commit suicide)? Why didn't they see that it wouldn't do them any good? Every time she turned something in on time, or got a good grade, she didn't want to tell them, fearing that they would look down on her for it. She felt ashamed to be Head Girl. Shouldn't she feel proud?
She was most certainly attracted to guys (and loved to snog them), but she really wasn't ready to have sex. They were. She felt awkward about the whole topic, and felt really weird that she was the only one left a virgin. Even just think about it at that moment made her feel strange. Sex. She didn't want to think about it.
She wanted so much for them to think she wasn't just a little girl who liked following rules, being optimistic, and pleasing teachers. She didn't doubt the fact that they saw her as a friend, even a good one… but she was always anxious that they still saw her as an immature little good-girl. She had never told anyone how she felt, nor did she intend to.
She felt distanced, and she felt just like a fifth wheel. Now she really could be one. The thought made her cry a little as she sat in bed thinking about her friends.