Disclaimer: I don't own Little Nicky. Unfortunately :(

Meaning no disrespect to anyone who is particularly religious. I am in fact Catholic, but I did find this movie very amusing and plan to stick to the facts of the storyline.

If you have a problem with my facts or any statements, grammatical errors, etc, please send me notice through review :)

But please also be polite, I don't like flamers.

The first chapter is going to be rather short, but I promise I'll try to make them longer as I go along. I plan to top a few thousand, maybe 6-7k per chapter in the future. Working into details as I go along, please REVIEW and tell me how I'm doing and what you'd like changed.

The divine wars were not entirely hidden to man, nor were they entirely revealed. Many on Earth were aware of the eternal and deadly battle that raged in the heavens above and in the bowels of the earth below. Religions were formed from the empowered, the wicked, the bloody carcasses of those who fought to control the fates of the human worms whose souls were a delicacy to be found no where else among the universes.

Of course, the pitiful humans, though weak, could not be controlled. The battles were individual, internal, a fight between temptation and conscience; but what battles they were. Angels and demons constantly tore at each other over the sweet, delectable soul struggling, trapped between them. They were an addiction like no other.

The angels saw the souls as objects to be cherished, to be polished and petted and eventually befriended, make higher than the highest of kings, the archest of angels. The demons saw souls as food, as the bittersweet blood coursing through their wickedly filthy veins. They saw them as things to be tortured, worn thin, wrung of every piece of dignity and humanity they might cling to after death. Only the most corrupt, the most rotted souls are given to them, though they long for the sweet, innocent souls so cherished by the angels.

The angels protect and guard the purest of soul, keeping them just out of the clawed reach from those corrupted demons who long to devour the innocence and purity of a perfect white soul. The dirtied slip from the grasps of these daring angels, and the farther they fall to sin the more difficult it is to climb back up to where they can be defended. It is, as has been stated, an eternal struggle.

Of course, as far as peace goes between these warring forces, the humans are completely unaware. They have never known, nor even heard of, the Adam Treaty of 10,000,027 BC, nor the Defeat of Ultimate Human Sin in 39 AD. This incredible victory placed angels in the lead, and won millions of human souls to the heavens. It was a time of famine for demons, which still carries on to this day. So many mortals had turned from sin that only the weakest, only the most dirtied would fall to the jaws of the demons.

As a result, what was left of the demonic army suffered. With much fewer souls to satisfy their hunger and the brave angel guardians slaughtering them like flies, a sort of peace was now needed to return the balance and leave the will and decisions to the humans.

It was an unpleasant decision for most of those involved, but would definitely benefit the masses of both Heaven and Hell. Satan, father of Adrian, Cassius, and Nicky, had to do something he never would have thought acceptable, or even possible.

The gatekeeper, 'Tit-head' as he was now called due to an...ah...unfortunate accident a few years back, brought him a beautiful silver flask, glinting wickedly despite its long trek through the sewers and sealed with a leering skull cap. It had been three years since last it had opened, and now he would draw it forth to open it again. Nodding to the gatekeeper, Satan braced himself. The demons crowded in the throne room watched in hushed anticipation, prepared for the epic battle which might take place. The flask had never been re-opened before, but they needn't have worried.

Unsealing the flask, the gatekeeper tipped the container a bit, holding it at arms length, hand trembling with fear. What fell from the flask was hardly recognizable as the eldest son of the devil.

Thin, haggard, and reeking, Adrian fell hard to the floor, barely able to push himself from the rocky, blood-stained ground. He remained there, on his hands and knees, breathing with difficulty and coughing up an unidentifiable black bile that steamed and burned like acid. One almost felt pity for the hunched figure, but after a few minutes he raised his furious devil eyes to his father.

Even Satan couldn't help flinching under the intense gaze of his eldest.

"Three years. It's been three damned years, three years locked in there with fucking Cassius, barely able to breathe, barely able to move, no sign of possible release; three years I've dreamed of this moment, planned for this moment. I imagined the many ways I'd torture you for this, kill you, use your skull to adorn the throne," panted Adrian, his grey eyes still flaming. But, as he struggled to rise, he fell again, and this time he didn't try to get up. "and here I am, too weak to even look at you." He spat the word with disgust, as if it was poison.

"Adrian, son, don't worry, you will regain your former strength after some rest, and some time of course. After that, we will need to talk about your future," said Satan softly, still loving his son dearly even though he had been a traitor, had tried to kill his father, and had been banished for three years. "but I wouldn't suggest trying to overpower me; you know for a fact you can't do it alone, even when you're at your strongest, especially not without Cassius at your side. Unfortunately for him, he was born second and is not going to be given the incredible chance I'm giving you."

Not strong enough to questioning his father's intent, Adrian allowed the demons to gingerly help him to his feet and to his room, where he could bathe and find the rest he so desperately needed. Always having hated sleeping dirty, he first headed to the spacious bathroom. Spurning the efforts of the female demons he had once so enjoyed, he cast them from his quarters and bathed alone, his pride more or less intact. He carefully checked his body for damages, stretched and massaged his aching, cramped limbs, and washed the grime of three years from his skin. Then, heaving himself from the tub and already feeling stronger, he dried himself with a thick red towel and staggered to his king-sized bed, bundling himself in a sea of red and black sheets and blankets.

He quickly fell asleep, soft but fierce snarls echoing through his room and disturbing those who wandered the halls. Satan sighed upon hearing his son's vicious snores, rubbing his temples and hoping that Adrian would take the news well. His oldest son had never been the understanding type.

"Are you sure everything is going to be okay?"

Two angels were seated comfortably on soft white chairs, some tea and cakes set on a plate on the white table between them. Blue skies could be seen through the airy windows, and soft white cloud-carpet covered the floors. It was a beautiful day, as always, in Heaven.

"Eden, for the last time, you're going to be fine. I swear! I bet it's going to turn out great! I bet you'll have lots of kids and some pets, like a kitten or a chinchilla, and get a lovely house near the woods where you can grow a vegetable garden and teach your kids to ride ponies and reindeer!" exclaimed a young, blonde woman to her friend. Her friend, also known as Eden, had thick, dark hair and pale skin, with luminous, worried hazel eyes.

"I just don't know, Clarity. It sounds awfully dangerous to me," Eden murmured, wringing her hands together. "I really don't think he'll be the lovely-house-kittens-gardens-ponies type of guy. He'll probably be more of the torture-metal-fire-sin-evil kind of guy, if you've heard the terrible stories." Her friend laughed musically and waved her hand.

"Oh, Eden, you'll believe anything. Besides, look at his brother! You know, Holly's kid, Nicky? He's so sweet, I met him last spring, most adorable, innocent, gentle guy I've ever met!" sighed Clarity, eyes misty. Eden laughed.

"But Holly's his mom, of course he's sweet and gentle! His brothers are...well...not. Their dad is Satan and their moms are fire dragons I've heard, and you know that that's definitely not a good combination. Rachel from Eastern Heaven says she talked to Holly, who says Nicky's brothers are really cruel and simply horrible to Nicky, that's why they've been locked up for three years!" cried Eden, her breath catching. Clarity reached out and caught Eden's hand comfortingly.

"Look, Eden, even if he is like that, you know he'd be under direct orders to cooperate with you, and by his own choice he'll stay with you. Well, either stay with you or get locked up again. Look, he can't hurt you under penalty of law both in Heaven and in Hell, and if you're lucky you might even be able to turn him to the good side, to our side! You never know! Wouldn't it be fantastic to give him another chance at life, to show him the pure, lovely joys of Heaven? I'm sure he'd grow to love God and even totally love you!" insisted Clarity, and then her eyes sparkled mischievously. "Anyways, if he's being naughty, you could always just put him in his place. You are on the high council for a reason, you know." Eden burst into laughter, astonished at her friend's audacity.

"I could never do that, you know that! I promised to never use my powers to hurt another being," reprimanded Eden, still chuckling. "I can only hope that I won't have to use them."

The two lovely angels sat in silence for a while, taking bites of soft, sweet cake and stirring the gently steaming cups of tea. They were both deep in thought, though in two entirely separate worlds.

"Do you really think he might love me?" murmured Eden shyly, a slight blush rising to her pale cheeks.

"Do you think he has a hot body?" sighed Clarity, a crooked smile gracing her lips. Eden immediately flushed red and wouldn't speak to Clarity for a whole ten minutes.

When Adrian woke, it was to the usual, once familiar alarm of the screaming of billions of humans, the heavy grinding of torture devices, and the whir of wings from the wide range of disgusting beasts that dominated the red, hot skies of Hell. But, the sounds usually heard from within the castle were gone, and the low temperature suggested it was night; time for everyone to rest.

Adrian climbed from his bed, feeling much improved, and approached the tall dresser in the corner of his room. No matter the occasion, he always liked to look his best. Changing from the silken nightclothes to his tight black shirt and jeans, he then pulled on one of his favorite long coats (ignoring the heavy, loud boots) and padded to his door. Listening carefully, he determined that no one was outside, and opened his door with utmost caution, careful to avoid any squeaking. He snuck down the long passages and through a few doors, also careful to avoid any guards that might have been patrolling the corridors.

He made his way steadily to his father's quarters and he tiptoed inside, shutting the door silently behind him. Fully aware that he would not be able to get into where his father rested, he strolled through the front room, taking note on what had changed and what had stayed the same. The dark sofas and the ashen fireplace were the same, but there were a few new pictures upon the wall (of Nicky and his small family, Adrian noted with disgust), and a new coffee table replaced the old decrepit one. He quickly noticed a tall pile of papers stacked on his father's desk, all of which were letters and important-looking documents.

He walked over to the desk, leafing through a few envelopes and catching a few addresses. Most seemed to be official documents, and a lot were addressed to Heaven. Brow furrowed, he was ruffling through some other papers when an envelope fell, revealing a personal letter and a small picture. Adrian froze when he looked down, and bent to pick up the picture and the paper.

He scanned through the letter.

'Dear Satan,

While I agree that your decision is what is best for everyone and will most certainly have a positive effect on all heavenly and hellish persons, I must politely request that the situation will be kept under control and that the circumstances and consequences will be made clear to your son. I do not wish for my daughter to come to any harm, and though she is a member of the High Council, she is rather inexperienced, being newly elected, with dealing with even the slightest of demons. I mean no offense, and send this as a caring mother in concern to her eldest daughter. I am sure you will understand, being a father yourself. I am glad that my daughter will play such a role in history, and flattered when you personally selected her as best suited to take the job. Whether they decide to reside in Heaven or Hell, or even somewhere in between, I hope that I will be able to visit them often and that my daughter will be able to present me with lots of grandchildren! I am quite beyond myself with excitement for the wedding, and though Eden seems a bit reluctant, I know it is just nerves, the poor girl suffers from terrible nerves quite often and I am sure she will be over her doubts in time for the reception. I do wonder where they plan to honeymoon? If you have any idea of what your son might think, please send reply, for I plan on sending a few presents their way and would like to book a date beforehand. Please write back as soon as possible, as I am quite anxious to discuss gifts and dates. Eden's sisters are filled with excitement and are dying to know more about her young groom! He must come visit sometime soon, I do insist! That is, if he accepts your generous offer.

With Love,

Hope Evergreen

PS. Do tell Adrian I said hello, and wish him the best of luck for his wedding!

It took a good few minutes for Adrian to fully process the contents of the letter. He re-read it, and then re-re-read it. He read the letter so many times that he very nearly had it memorized to the punctuation. However, the true horror of the situation could not, and would not be missed, and Adrian opened his mouth very wide, possibly wider than he ever had before.

"DAAAAAAAD!"

"I had hoped you'd find out in a...ah...more suitable environment," muttered Satan, seating himself in a comfortable chair opposite Adrian's. His son's face was dangerously white, and the hands holding the letter were shaking dangerously.

"This? Is this why you let me out? You're seriously marrying me off?" snarled Adrian, his usually cool temper flaring. "What is this, the medieval ages? I don't really want to get married, dad! And to an angel, of all the disgusting beings you could have chosen?"

"Adrian, please be reasonable. This could be a fantastic opportunity for peace with Heaven, and you know the girl's really not that bad! I met her and her mother a while back, when we were discussing plans, she's actually quite sweet, maybe a little shy, but what do you expect?" added Satan, his hope sinking when Adrian very nearly gagged. He still clutched the letter and the picture in his hands, then glanced at the picture and promptly dropped it.

"She could be the sexiest woman that ever existed and I'd throw up puppies just hearing you talk about how sweet she is," said Adrian viciously, grinding the picture beneath the heel of his foot and quickly regretting not wearing his boots. He missed the tic cross his father's features.

"Look, son, you're going to have to make an important decision," he snapped, effectively gaining his son's attention. "Either you're going to marry this girl and be a good husband, or you're going back into the flask with Cassius." He sat back, having presented the offer to his son.

Adrian rested his elbows on his knees and leaned forward, head down and a contemplative expression in his cold eyes.

"..."

"Adrian."

"Son, you can't be serious."

"Father, she's an angel. A sun-loving sky-living hippie valley freak! Of course I'm serious!" exploded Adrian, stuck between two awful alternatives. If he was sent back into the flask with Cassius, he might have civil company, but he would most likely never be given the chance to escape again. If he married that angel bitch, he would have to deal with a sunny disposition, but might be able to free himself and rule Hell again. After all, he was the only alternative after his father retired.

"Adrian!"

"Alright! Alright, fine, I'll marry the angel, dad, are you happy?" With that, he gathered his cloak about him and stormed from the room. Satan sighed, leaning his chin onto his hand. He had the horrible feeling that this could not end well.

A young angel with rich, thick dark hair sat in a white chair at a white desk, inside of a sky-blue room with open windows and of course the traditional cloud-carpeting. Several pictures were upon the wall; two were of other young angels, one with light brown hair and the other with short, cropped dark hair similar to Eden's. One held a picture of two older angels, a woman with strawberry-blonde hair and a man with neatly parted black hair. All four angels in the pictures were smiling and spreading lovely white wings, halos tipped at an almost playful angle and white robes fluttering in a cool Heaven breeze.

"Eden, darling, you have a letter!"

Hope Evergreen, a youngish strawberry-blonde angel with a round face and full features, hung over her daughter's shoulder to try to catch a glimpse of the letter. All she could make out was the name (or, the title, as was used in Hell). Adrian, First Son of Satan, before the was pushed from the room by her furiously blushing daughter. Once her mother was ejected from her room, Eden curled catlike in her bed and just stared at the envelope for a few minutes, hardly able to bear opening it. She just held it, wondering of the hands that had held it before her. No, not her mother's; even before her. Were they slender and smooth, or large and calloused? Was he talented in his script, or would it look like a child had written it? Eden was a true angel; she imagined the best of everyone and sought to love anyone despite their shortcomings, which to her were more endearing than not.

With trembling fingertips, and after a few tries, she finally forced herself to tear the envelope open. But she didn't read right away, instead studying the script. It was of an elegant hand, and as she skimmed the letter she could determine that Adrian was well educated, to say the least, perhaps even ambitious in his intelligence. She couldn't quite decide whether this was good or bad. Once she had thoroughly contemplated the script, she finally settled back to read the letter.

Eden (no title or endearments, she noticed rather bitterly)

I have recently come to the knowledge of our present arrangement and have accepted the offer with an open mind, if nothing else. I understand that your doubts and worries may be similar in nature to mine, and I assure you that we will speak of these uncertainties in the very near future, as my father has made plans to pay a visit in the upcoming week. I do hope that the good of the multitude will override any source of negativity, and I wish you the fortitude, of which I'm sure you've been asked, to endure the approaching month (which I believe is to be sometime in September).

Adrian

Eden felt the hope deflating in her like a popped balloon, feeling much the same as a popped balloon might on the inside. She could even nearly taste the rubber in her mouth, feel her ribs caving into her hollow insides and eventually she'd flatten and lie still on her bed for the rest of forever.

He spoke of it like an important meeting; no, not even important, like a trivial thing which he was doing to please his co-workers, his boss, everyone but himself. The letter was restrained, and she had the impression that he had been required to present it to his father before sending it to her. She also felt that it had been edited many times until any possible meaning or misconception had been completely blotted out. There were no lovely word plays of which she could think about and sigh about until her wedding day; there weren't even any cruel insults of which she could fume over.

It was very much as if a robot had written it. A dying robot who tried to record feeling onto a sheet of paper when he himself had none. Eden could only feel a low depression; she felt no anger, no joy, no intense emotion with which she could associate to her husband-to-be.

There wasn't even a picture.

She wondered faintly if her younger sisters, Faith and Joy, were right in that he was a hideous beast with two heads and drooling fangs. If he had greasy grey hair popping from his skin, a hunchback, and lumpy feet and hands. He was, after all, the son of the devil (though she had heard he was fairly handsome, she had her doubts, as she herself had never seen him). Maybe Adrian had great ugly bat wings and two curly goat-horns sprouting from his forehead, and wicked tails that whipped and flayed while he spoke in gruesome tongues.

Shuddering, Eden hoped she could love him anyways, a quality of which many angels had been blessed with. She hoped he at least would be kind and gentle, despite his dispassionate words. It was the foolish hope of an angel, but she hoped nonetheless.

Speaking of Hope, Eden decided not to show her mother the letter, lest she throw her fury onto the poor boy when he arrived to visit next week.

About Eden's sisters,

they might seem a little catty, but angels always seemed like they might be a bit proud/catty (seeing as the Great Test was if the angels would worship Christ if he was human, and many said no and were sent to become the devils of Hell, led by Lucifer yes I have been going to Catholic schools since practically birth, don't judge me), and though Eden's sisters love her dearly they're bound to be little sisters, and a bit mischievous and little-sister-like (I also have a little sister).