Kerry watched him walk away. She'd seen him do that so often, she had memorized the pattern of his walk and could imitate him so well that even Leon was convinced. At least he was safe, that was the only thing that mattered at this point in time.
Once again, she'd managed to stuff everything up. How she kept doing that and yet he kept coming back was a miracle.
Something told her that the next time he walked away could be the last. She couldn't believe that the last two days could have been the worst days of her life, in which she could have lost him. She knew that she should be grateful he was still here, but she couldn't help feeling sad at the fact that they had once again lost one of their own. First Grace, now Josh. How could this happen? How could she lose Josh? How was that even possible? Josh always flaunted how well he could get himself out of bad situations, but this one he obviously couldn't.
Kerry shook her head, dazed, confused and scared. Lawson was never around to comfort her and she had to rely on pulling herself together to be able to keep the team functioning.
Some days she just wanted to walk away from it all, from the police force, her own life, the lot. But somehow Lawson kept her together. She never quite knew how he did it, but he did and for that she was grateful.
She heard her own voice in her head "we have lost one of our own. We need to pull together and work as a team to get through this. We cant wallow in our loss otherwise we wont be able to do our job properly. What happened has happened and theres nothing we can do to change that. Josh is never coming back however much we want him to. We have to accept that fact and move on" but wasn't believing the words she was hearing.
She wanted Josh back, purely for the fact that everything would go back to being normal, she didn't like change, and she liked order and uniformity. She knew she had to be the strong one; she was the head of TR after all, if she fell apart, the entire team would too, and that wasn't acceptable.
Kerry sighed and sat down at her desk, trying to do something to take her mind off Josh, but everytime she tried to, she kept associating it with him.
Lawson stood in the shadow of the doorway, silently watching Kerry fall apart. He was amazed at how she tried to hard to keep it together but was slowly failing. He knew at some point she would break completely and that he needed to be there for her. He knew what a huge responsibility it was running TR and that Kerry did an amazing job, but even she had her limits even though it never seemed like it.
He kept seeing the image of Josh's last moments and silently prayed that Josh was finally at peace. He knew what a struggle it had been for Josh to lose his brother then Grace and that he had never really come back from that dark place even though he subsequently found Tash and his life seemed to be getting better, in reality, it had been getting worse but no-one, not even Tash, had known about it until it was too late.
Lawson stood there lost in thought until a noise brought him out of his reverie. His eyes immediately went to Kerry and he saw silent tears sliding down her face her hands covering her eyes as though she was trying to block out the image of Josh's death.
He walked slowly over to her and placed a hand on her shoulder. She looked up, eyes red and puffy, then silently stood. Lawson gently drew Kerry towards him and she broke down completely, crying not only for the loss of Josh, but her belated grief for the loss of Grace. Lawson, seeing Kerry so upset, couldn't stave off his own grief any longer. He too began to cry silently.
Lawson and Kerry stood there, arms wrapped around each other, not caring about anything except the shared loss. They didn't see the rest of the team file in silently, tears also streaming down each of their faces, mourning the loss of not only their mate but also a valued team member. Lawson looked up and motioned for them to join him and Kerry. Everyone had an arm around another person, the team united in silent grief.
Finally after a long time, Kerry, choking back another round of heavy sobs, said in a semi-controlled voice that they should all get back to work, but Lawson cut her short, saying that it was obvious that no-one would be able to concentrate properly on work at this point in time and that they should all take the rest of the day off. He suggested that they all meet up at his house for drinks to commemorate Josh's life to which everyone including Kerry agreed.
That evening everyone met at Lawson's house. With a beer in his hand, Lawson proposed a toast. "To the most pig-headed, gutsy, reckless yet best damn copper on our team. To Josh." He said, raising his beer. The team echoed "To Josh" and everyone drank.
Kerry suddenly spoke. "We need to talk about this and get each other through it. We cannot ignore anyone at this point in time. We also need to talk about Josh's funeral. As you all know, he will be given a state funeral as per police procedure which Tash has agreed to as well. We are also required to be in dress uniform and to present Tash with an Aussie flag to signify Josh's commitment to Australia and that his efforts to keep Australia safe are duly noted and much appreciated."
Lawson continued. "We also need to support Tash and Minka and make sure they are monitored and given access to counseling services etc."
Stella jumped in. "I was wondering whether we could go around our group now, and maybe say what we liked about Josh and what he brought to our team?"
Lawson nodded. "Excellent idea Stell. Kerry, do you want to go first?"
Kerry, shrugged then nodded. "Yeah ok. I liked Josh even though he could be stubborn bastard at times, he managed to somehow get himself out of any situation with ease. I think he brought strength to the team, that strength we need to find now and keep it alive."
The entire group murmured their assent and Shannon, who was sitting next to Kerry, spoke next.
"I think Josh had direction. He knew instinctively when something was wrong and he also knew when one of us was in the wrong. He never jumped to conclusions, he always thought about how he could find a solution peacefully." She said, tears threatening to spill down her face. Christian put an arm around her.
The next to speak was Stella. "Josh was someone who was tough. He could be a bastard at times, sure, but he also had a soft side. He was the first one to jump in if someone was in trouble, first one to lend support in his quiet way, and someone if you needed a problem fixed, he would do it, no questions asked. You could always rely on him to be there for you, even if you didn't need it."
Michael, who had been staring at the ground, looked up, his face clearly showing his grief. When he spoke, his voice was quiet and thick with emotion. "I lost my idol, the one person I looked up to, the person that even when his temper got the better of him, could always back off. He was someone who had courage, whose will to fight for his friends never made him seem aggressive, he always had a word of advice and even his criticisms were of good faith."
Leon went next. "Josh was a real character. He could change his emotions quicker than anyone and also could be relied on to do pretty much anything. He was the one who would joke with you one minute, then scare the pants off you the next. But his loyalty was unwavering."
Christian quietly picked up where Leon left off. "Josh was the person I wanted to be. He had confidence, courage, didn't take shit from anyone and knew his job inside and out. He was someone we should all be thankful to have known because we all learnt something from him."
Everyone nodded. Lawson was the last to speak. "Losing Josh, meant we lost a team member, a mate and a fellow copper, but we haven't lost his determination or drive. We need to take them and use them to drive ourselves forward and not let despair and grief overtake our emotions. If anything we need to be more determined, more focused and more driven now that he's gone. If we lose that, then the entire team is lost and I know that Josh would hate it. We need to pull together and make Josh proud of us, make him feel like his death wasn't in vain and that he contributed to our team in more ways than just his physical being. Hopefully he will meet Grace up there and she will keep him in line."
The group once again voiced their agreement and Lawson raised his now empty beer bottle.
"To Josh, may he finally rest in peace and may his spirit live on in all of us and continue to inspire us to achieve great things except being pig-headed and stubborn" he said.
Five other also empty bottles were raised and a chorus of "To Josh" was once again heard.
None of the six people in that squad room saw the person lingering in the doorway, watching the team, strongly bound together by loss, but also by hope, commemorating their fallen team member. No-one saw the smile that graced the face that would never again be seen on earth. No-one saw the second figure approach the first and wrap their arms around them. "Look's like nothings changed hey?" the second voice said. "Nope, but seriously, when was I pig-headed and stubborn?" the first voice replied. "Oh only all the time" the second voice said, laughing. Josh and Grace stood together in the doorway, watching their former teammates. Grace finally spoke. "Come on Josh, its time to go." "Yeah I know, I just want to remember this moment that's all." Josh said quietly. After a moment he nodded. "Yeah im ready now. Let's go." And with that the two figures faded away, smiling at each other, finally being reunited again.
After a while, the group disbanded, heading for their respective homes, to finally allow them to grieve openly and to move on with their lives, never forgetting Josh, but using his memory to keep the team together.
Kerry stood by the window, staring aimlessly at the drab scenery, not caring that tears were still coursing down her face, still shocked by the sudden loss and the added responsibility of having to find a replacement.
She felt strong arms wrap around her shoulders and instinctively leaned back into the embrace, not caring who saw her. A voice spoke softly in her ear. "Come on Kerry, you can come and stay at my place tonight, you're in no shape to be alone right now." Lawson said quietly. Kerry felt numb but nodded, allowing herself to be turned around and slowly escorted from the room, gently led by Lawson (after grabbing Kerry's bag from her desk in passing) to the carpark where they passed Josh's car which set Kerry off crying again and Lawson had to nearly carry her to his car because she was so upset.
"Zara will come and get Josh's car this evening and clean out his locker and collect his things." Lawson said trying desperately to calm Kerry down for fear she would have hysterics.
Kerry nodded, unable to stem the heavy flow of tears. She knew that Zara would pack up Josh's things with the dignity they deserved and take them to Tash's place, but she couldn't get the idea of Josh not being with them anymore out of her head. She knew she would miss him dearly and silently vowed to recommend Josh for bravery and gallant service medals and to erect a plaque commemorating his contribution to TR. She knew that she would continue to include Josh in team lists and also tell Lawson to take Josh with him when they went out on patrol, but she conceded that in time, she would stop putting Josh on the lists, stop referring to him in any context unless she slipped up, and at some point move on, but for now she would just try and get on with her life as Josh wouldn't want her to be sad.
She knew it would take time for them all to walk away from what happened, the disastrous circumstances that ended the life of one of their own, but eventually they would accept it and move on, never forgetting but always remembering.
Lawson knew that he would have to step up and be the leader he was assigned to be to keep the team together.
When they reached his house, Lawson quietly got out of the car, shut the door and went around to Kerry's side. He noted that she had fallen asleep. He opened the door and picked her up, shut the door and carried her inside. He pushed the covers aside, laid her on his bed and drew the covers over her small frame. As he straightened up and turned away, preparing to leave, he heard a quiet voice say "don't leave me." He turned back around and saw that Kerry's eyes trained in his direction, grief still etched across her face. Lawson nodded silently and moved around to the other side of the bed, sat down, removed his shoes, socks and shirt, leaving his t-shirt on underneath and climbed into bed beside Kerry. He wrapped his arms around her as she relaxed and drifted off to sleep. He closed his eyes, knowing that no amount of sleep could undo what happened, but it was a welcome break from reality, even for a short time. And with that final thought, he drifted off to sleep.