Dan Howell was sure of only two things in the world. He may not have been sure that the sky was blue, or that he really existed, but he was sure of this. He was never to speak of his feelings to the person to they were about, and the love of his life was Phil Lester.
Of course, Dan had seen something in Phil that Phil didn't quite see in himself. He watched Phil's YouTube videos long before he had ever talked to the guy. He knew they were destined to meet, even if he didn't really believe in destiny.
And once they had finally met, they were swept away with each other, not the way Dan would have hoped, but it was still beautiful and nothing he could have imagined.
After they moved in together, their bond only strengthened, even as Dan became more comfortable around him. Which inevitably meant becoming more flirtatious and completely changing his wardrobe from his usual all black attire that he had been hiding behind for years, to pastels and flowers. Phil was honestly just happy to see his friend come out of his shell and shake years of feeling oppressed.
Even with Dan's appearance and personality change, he never actually came out as gay. Not to his parents, not to his viewers, not even to his best friend, Phil. Sure his viewers asked questions all the time, but Dan felt that if his brother didn't have to 'come out' as straight, why should he have to come out to anyone? He had friends that accepted him, parents that stood by him even when they didn't understand what he was going through, and of course, he had Phil. For once in his life, he was happy, and he was learning to do things his own way, which was actually turning out pretty well for him.
Dan smiled as he heard Phil in the other room making a video. He could hear Phil making animal noises and innuendos that Phil himself probably wouldn't notice until he went to go edit the video. Dan sat comfortably on the couch, on his laptop. As soon as Phil was finished, he bounded out of his bedroom, all smiles.
"How'd it go?" Dan asked, returning Phil's smile.
"Good, I think," Phil said as he crashed down on the couch right beside Dan. Any closer and he would have landed on Dan's lap, which of course Dan wouldn't have minded, but this was nice too. Phil was always nice and warm, like the sun beamed from within him and shone out his eyes. Oblivious to what Dan was thinking, Phil happily chirped, "Want to go out for dinner? I'm too hungry to edit my video just yet."
"Sure, what would you like?" Dan silently answered his own question. I could just eat sushi off of your naked body. He chuckled to himself
Phil tilted his head at Dan's chuckle, smiling at him as if he was in on the joke, but he had no clue. "How about the bar down the road? I could use a hamburger."
"Yeah, sounds good, just let me get some proper clothes on." Dan had been lounging in his pajamas all day, even though he had showered and straightened his hair.
He went into his bedroom, which had transformed from the time he moved in from black bedsheets and a black wardrobe to lilac sheets and a crisp white dresser with a huge mirror above it. The mirror was decorated with pictures of friends and funny drawings he and Phil had made over years of recording together. He looked over at the lone kitten sticker that adorned his piano. It was the only decoration allowed on it, because Phil had put it there. It made Dan smile as he slid into a pair of mint green skinny jeans and a white t-shirt with a pink carnation on it.
"You look great," Phil complimented, a small smile playing at his lips.
Dan blushed slightly, but tried to pay no mind. He knew Phil was just nice like that, and he was grateful. "Let's go," he said, afraid to make too much of the comment.
Once at the table, the boys both had ordered Malibu Baybreezes. Phil was very choosey about his drinks, only drinking fruity ones that masked the taste of the alcohol. Honestly, Dan could handle more, but it was a nice light drink to have with his friend.
The boys could talk for hours, even after the meal was over. They never ran out of anything to say. Occasionally a comfortable silence would mull over the pair, and neither of them minded. Dan practically kept his eyes glued to Phil, but Phil was fidgeting slightly in his seat, as he often did in public.
Dan put a hand on his friends, brow furrowed, "Are you okay?"
Phil smoothly moved his hand away, but Dan still noticed his discomfort only increased at the action. "Yeah, I'm fine," he smiled weakly.
The thing with Phil was, at the apartment, he could practically be on top of Dan and Dan still felt like he was trying to get closer. But in public, he kept his distance, occasionally getting extremely uncomfortable, bouncing between being hyper aware of everything around him, or being completely distant.
Right now he was hyper aware, following every noise in the bar with his eyes, ears perking at every clanking glass. And Dan knew that if he brought too much attention to Phil's discomfort, it would only make it worse. So he finally peeled his eyes off of Phil and actually took a look around, sighing.
At the corner of the bar, he noticed a guy, maybe slightly older than he was, staring at him. He smiled politely, but turned back to Phil.
Phil opened his mouth to say something, but didn't have the chance to get it out.
"Hey, there." The stranger's voice was smooth.
Dan looked up, surprised to see the guy he had just smiled at. "Hello?" He didn't mean to sound rude, but he wasn't looking to chat up a stranger while he was in Phil's company.
"Can I get you a drink?"
Dan felt his cheeks redden at the boldness of the guy. He looked at Phil, trying to keep his pleading expression as discreet as possible, but Phil was frozen looking at the guy.
Now, Dan did enjoy meeting new guys, and he did go through a wild phase for a while that of course Phil put up with, but honestly, no one made him happier than Phil, and he wasn't really looking for someone right now.
"No, thank you," Dan tried to say it politely.
"It's cool, I didn't mean to intrude," the guy looked expectantly at Phil.
"Oh no- we're not- he's just-" Phil stammered.
The stranger smiled slightly and looked back to Dan, "So I guess you're free?" Before Dan could protest, he chuckled, taking out a pen. "I get it, bad timing. Always my luck. Let me at least give you my number, you know, just in case."
He took Dan's hand in his and scribbled his number into Dan's palm. Dan smiled at him as he waved goodbye.
And of course, Phil acted like the last five minutes didn't even happen, turning to Dan "So do you want to go back home?"
Dan had to hold himself back from rolling his eyes, "Yeah, let's go."
As they walked home on the warm summer night, they were alone apart from the occasional taxi cab that sped by. And of course Phil was back to his own self, joking with Dan, walking as close to him as humanly possible. Honestly, Dan was a bit peeved, but he didn't let it spoil the good conversation back to the apartment. And when Dan began talking about music, Phil playfully grabbed Dan's hand, pulling it across his chest and pretending to strum on it like it was a guitar. He sang goofily and Dan laughed. Inside Dan was melting, and wishing he could interlace their fingers. But instead, Phil dropped Dan's arm and wrapped his own arm tightly around Dan's shoulders. It was slightly awkward with Dan being the taller of the two, but they leaned into each other anyway, enjoying their walk.
The next morning, well it was about eleven a.m., so maybe a little past morning, Dan stretched himself awake. He walked into the kitchen, where Phil had his laptop on the kitchen table, with his glasses on and hair ruffled. Dan got butterflies at the sight of Phil's morning face.
"Cereal?" Dan asked, causing Phil to jump.
Phil laughed, "Yeah, I left just enough for you. We'll have to add it to the shopping list. Are you ready for some Anime?"
Dan nodded sleepily, seeing that Phil had already poured his cereal for him in his favorite bowl. He poured the milk and joined Phil on the couch. Just as Phil would have done, Dan plopped himself down as close to his friend as he could get. Phil, who must have been hungry because he had finished his cereal already, swung his arm up and over Dan, resting it on the couch behind him. Dan couldn't help but lean into Phil as he munched on his Shreddies.
About two episodes in, Dan couldn't help but look up at Phil, who was transfixed to the television. He was able to really drink Phil in. His eyes the same clear blue as the waters they had swam in in Jamaica, his hair, usually sleek, but looking mopish this morning, actually looked darker than his glasses that framed his cheekbones perfectly.
Suddenly, Dan's phone vibrated on the couch next to them. He picked it up curiously, staring at the unrecognized phone number. He unlocked his phone and read the text.
?
Hey, you never answered me last night! :)
Dan had totally forgotten that he had texted the stranger from the bar before he fell asleep.
Dan
Sorry about that... Fell asleep.
?
It's OK :)
?
Good morning by the way!
This guy was a little too enthusiastic for Dan, but he seemed harmless enough. He hadn't realized Phil went stiff beneath him.
"I'm going to go work on a video," Phil jumped up, causing Dan to fall over slightly.
"Okay?" Dan looked up at Phil, but before he could get a read on Phil's face, he was off to the office.
Dan continued to text the stranger, who it turns out, name was Jason. A day of answering emails and talking to his new friend, he hadn't realized that he hadn't seen Phil since this morning. He walked up the the office to see what he was up to, but he wasn't there. Trying to find him, Dan tried Phil's bedroom. He went to enter when he heard his own voice coming from the room. It sounded like one of the early PINOF's. Dan waited outside the room silently for a moment before knocking. He could hear Phil stop the video and shuffle in his bed.
"Yeah?" Phil called out, which wasn't exactly an invitation to come in, but Dan opened the door anyway.
"I haven't seen you all day," Dan smiled warmly. "Can I come in?"
Phil scooted over on his bed and patted next to him. Dan happily obliged.
"What were you watching?" Dan looked up at Phil, leaning on him slightly. Phil opened his laptop revealing the first PINOF. It was the part where Dan was saying 'This was the most fun I've ever had.' Dan couldn't help but smile as he knew what was coming next. "Well go on, press play." Dan reached over and pressed it for him. They both laughed as they watched Phil tackle hug Dan. "You haven't done that to me in years," Dan smiled, looking up at Phil.
Phil smiled back, but didn't say anything. He just wrapped an arm around Dan and laid his head on Dan's. It wasn't unusual for them to be so close, Dan just wished it meant to Phil what it did to him. Dan's heart fluttered and he hoped that Phil couldn't feel it. He could hear Phil's though. Was it pounding slightly? Was it a little fast? Dan tried not to think about it as he let himself be enveloped in Phil's warmth, feeling his light breath rustling his hair. Then of course, Dan's phone buzzed. Dan was going to ignore it, enjoying the moment, but as soon as he heard it, Phil dropped his arm and lifted his head. Out of Phil's sight, Dan rolled his eyes, sitting up to fish his phone out of his pocket.
Phil got up, "I'm going to start dinner." His tone was flat, emotionless but almost seemed cold.
Dan didn't bother to say anything back, Phil was out the door quickly anyway. Dan didn't even bother to check his phone, even though he had it in his hand. He wished the moment had lasted longer, so he just slipped under Phil's covers. They smelled of Phil, which was apparently was so comforting, Dan fell asleep.
Phil called to Dan from the kitchen. Dinner was made, and he knew how much Dan loved food. He frowned when he didn't hear Dan's familiar shuffle toward the kitchen. Walking over to Dan's bedroom door, since Dan practically lived his whole life in that room, he knocked. No answer. "Dan? Are you in there?" Nothing. He opened the door, and was surprised to not find him there. He hadn't heard him walk through the apartment, but he checked all the rooms anyway. The only room left was his. He cautiously opened his own door. Why he felt the need to open his own bedroom door as if he were intruding, he had no idea, but he was glad he did. There was Dan, wrapped up in blue and green sheets, comfortably asleep in the bed. Phil couldn't help but smile at the sight. Dan was beautiful, especially when he slept. Although Phil couldn't see his chocolatey eyes, he loved the way Dan's hair fell in his face as he slept.
Phil blushed furiously at his thoughts. He shouldn't feel that way about his best friend. He had known Dan for years, and Dan never ceased to amaze him. Their behavior with each other always bordered on flirty, and Phil loved that, but he knew it was wrong. He had never thought of another man as beautiful before, or cuddled on the couch with one (to be fair, he had never done those things with a girl either), but he knew that wasn't how a typical friendship went.
Conflicted, he decided to wake Dan up for dinner. He walked over to the opposite side of the bed that Dan was on to move the laptop from the bed. Then Phil leaned over and put his hand on Dan's shoulder, trying to nudge him awake. "Dan, it's time to eat." Of course Dan didn't wake up, but Phil kept trying. Dan grabbed his hand and interlaced with Phils fingers, which immediately gave Phil butterflies."Dan, are you awake?" No answer. Dan pulled Phil's hand down and hugged his arm tight, causing Phil to be pulled into the bed, right up against Dan. A warmth spread through him. Phil was nervous, but decided to creep towards Dan and lay up against his back, spooning him.
Thankfully, he couldn't see Dan smirking to himself as he drifted off. They both went to sleep in their skinny jeans with the lights on.
Dan stretched slightly as he woke up, pushing his butt out, when he felt something hard behind him. Not just human contact hard, but a morning surprise hard. Dan smiled to himself as he kept his butt pressed firmly against the still sleeping Phil. Not used to being awake earlier than Phil, and not wanting to move, Dan let himself fall back asleep.
He was woken up maybe an hour later when he heard a loud THUNK. He looked over to see Phil had fallen off the bed looking mildly horrified. "Phil? Are you alright?"
"Yeah," he mumbled, still wide-eyed, refusing to look at Dan.
"Do you want to come back to bed?"
Dan could see Phil physically shudder. "No, you rest up."
Dan looked at Phil pleadingly, but of course, Phil was already walking out of the room. Dan sighed. He might as well go take a shower.
He walked out of the shower with just a towel around his hips. He heard Phil in the kitchen and went to see if he was okay. Phil was cleaning up the dinner that they hadn't eaten last night. "Do you need any help?"
Phil didn't even turn to look at him, "No, thanks."
Dan walked up to Phil, unsure of his next move. He just wanted to hold his hand, or wrap his arms around him. As he was reaching out to put a hand on Phil's shoulder, Phil reached back without looking to grab the dish towel hanging off of the stove. He tried to pull the towel, but unbeknownst to him, he had the wrong towel in his hand. Phil felt the weight of the larger towel in his hand and looked down puzzled. He turned to see Dan who had a shared look of seeing the humor in the situation and being mortified.
Well this isn't how I figured my first time being naked in front of Phil would go. Dan thought with his one arm still reaching for Phil. "Can I have that back?" A smile played at his lips.
Of course Phil's eyes automatically ran themselves over Dan's naked body, stopping just below his waist. Phil swallowed hard before dropping the towel and walking away, yet again.
Dan became increasingly frustrated with Phil's behavior. Why on Earth did he keep walking away? Every little thing that happened caused Phil to just leave him. He loved Phil, but he was having trouble dealing with him lately.
Dan decided he would have to go out today, and he knew exactly what he was doing.
Dan
Would you like to get some lunch?
Jason
I thought you had forgotten about me!
Jason
I would love to :)
They decided a one o'clock lunch sounded great, and Dan got ready. Although he wasn't particularly stoked about going on a date, he dressed to impress, with a light pink loose fitting T-shirt, sky blue skinny jeans, and a flower crown the same color as his shirt that he only wore on special occasions.
He wasn't even going to say goodbye to Phil as he left, but Phil saw him dressed up with his keys in hand. "Where are you going?" There was a look on his face. Concern? Sorrow?
"I have a date," Dan said flatly and walked out the door.
The date went well enough, and Jason was a sweet guy, but he was no Phil. By the time it was over, Dan was feeling slightly empty, as if he was missing something the whole time.
Unsure of how Phil would be when he got home (probably still barely speaking to him), Dan was cautious as he walked through the door. He didn't hear Phil walking around, the television wasn't on, something wasn't right. As he walked through the apartment he could hear light sobs coming from Phil's room. Without thinking, he walked right in to comfort his friend.
"Get out!" Dan jumped at not only the volume, but the tone of Phil's shout. It was filled with hatred and uncertainty.
Dan ignored him, he was so worried. Phil never sounded like this. "What happened?" He put a hand to Phil's shoulder. Phil flinched beneath him and he removed his hand instantly. Instead he sat at the edge of Phil's bed, hoping Phil would say something, but he didn't. So Dan sat with him until he stopped crying.
Once he calmed down, Phil turned onto his back and propped himself up. Dan waited patiently for him to explain, but instead Phil said, more like sneered, "How was your date?"
"Excuse me?"
Phil couldn't even look Dan in the eyes. "Was he nice?"
"I suppose." Dan didn't understand.
"Great." A single tear rolled down Phil's cheek but he wiped it away.
"Was that sarcasm?" Dan raised his eyebrow.
"Oh no!" Phil rolled his eyes. "I want you to be so happy with Random Bar Guy!"
"What the hell, Phil?"
"Just leave me alone!"
"Not until you talk to me about why you've been treating me so strange lately!" Dan was surprised at the forcefulness of his own voice.
"Did you even think of me?" Phil shouted back.
Dan was so lost. Was Phil jealous? How could that be?
"I mean jeez, you get all dressed up for him, walk out without saying goodbye! What about me?"
"Phil, it was just a date, and with the way you acted this morning, I didn't even think you wanted to talk to me. In fact with how you've been acting lately, I feel like I have whiplash trying to figure out if you want to be my friend or not," Dan was much calmer now.
"Of course I want to be your friend," Phil looked so sad. "I want..."
"What?"
"Nothing."
"Please, just tell me." Dan put his hand on Phil's, and this time, he felt him relax.
"It's been so easy for you." Dan looked puzzled, but let Phil continue. "You just made the transition, you didn't even come out! And everyone has been fine with it! I..." Phil paused. "That's just not how it works..."
"Phil, are you...?" Dan felt himself tense now.
"No!" he cried out. "I don't know... Maybe."
"It's okay if you are," Dan coaxed.
"No, it's not," Phil groaned, burrying his face in a pillow. "It's so wrong."
Dan was slightly hurt by the comment. He thought Phil was okay with his sexual orientation. But he remembered one time when he went to Phil's house with his parents. His mother made a comment about their friends gay housekeeper. She said something about how wrong it was for him to have a boyfriend. It rolled right over Dan's head, as many people older than his generation weren't accepting of gays, but Phil lived with that for years. Dan could only imagine if he had unsupportive parents.
"Phil, there is nothing wrong with being gay," Dan tried to sound as soothing as possible.
"I don't know what to do," Phil whimpered.
"Phil look at me," Dan prompted. He wasn't sure if he was about to make a huge mistake, or maybe help his friend, but he spoke as soon as Phil was looking at him, bleary eyed. "There is nothing wrong with you, you are perfect, and I love you."
Phil, overcome with emotion, threw himself into Dan's arms. Dan let him cry for a minute, but couldn't help himself from lifting Phil's chin, wiping away his tears, and kissing him as passionately as he had dreamed about pretty much since they met.
Phil returned the kiss, Dan lowering him to the bed and lying on top of him. Phil's lips were salty from his tears, but Dan didn't mind as his whole body surged with electricity.
Phil pulled away, only to quietly, yet passionately say, "I love you too."