Disclaimer: I own nothing. Shame.
Summary: Claudia watches from above as Nick's life spirals downhill after she disappeared. Every day she regrets letting him go through the anomaly.
Song: "What if" by Kate Winslet. Why? Because songs make it so much easier to express feelings and emotions through words :)
"What If"
a song for Claudia Brown by Kate Winslet
by Kathryn Hart
Here I stand alone
With this weight upon my heart.
And it will not go away.
In my head I keep on looking back,
Right back to the start,
Wondering what it was that made you change.
Claudia Brown stood alone. She was so alone. Ever since that day. . .
No, she would not think about that. She instead let her mind drift to the day they had met, the wonderful kiss they had shared, the surprise on Nick's face. . .it all seemed so distant now.
She finally allowed herself to think on that fateful day, the day she had been cruelly snatched away from everything she ever knew and loved.
Well I tried,
But I had to draw the line.
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind. . .
She had tried so hard, but he would not listen. She knew in her heart something horrible would happen, not only to her, but to Nick also. The tragedy would tear him apart, and she knew that. But she could not stop him.
It was their fate, to be apart forever. She had stepped away from him and let him go. Now every waking minute she thought in her mind:
What if she hadn't?
What if I had never let you go?
Would you be the man I used to know?
If I'd stayed,
If you'd tried,
If we could only turn back time. . .
But I guess we'll never know.
She was right. After she was gone, Nick had changed quickly, surprising even her.
All she could do was watch as he fell into bitterness and depression, losing himself in his work, even more than before.
She cried every time he called her replacement Jenny Lewis, Claudia Brown. He missed her that much. But he couldn't change a thing. He was so sorry he had not listened to her. That fact nearly destroyed him.
Many roads to take,
Some to joy,
Some to heartache.
Anyone can lose their way.
And if I said that we could turn it back,
Right back to the start,
Would you take the chance and make the change?
Claudia smiled whenever he smiled, which was rare, cried whenever he was sad, which was often. She shared everything with him, but he could not feel her presence. To him, she was gone forever.
Oh how she wanted to turn the clock back to the day they met, make things change, to make it so they could be together forever.
Do you think how it would have been sometimes?
Do you pray that I'd never left your side?
Did he ever wonder what would've happened had he stayed? Did he pray for a family? Did he picture he and Claudia, together through all time, unstoppable? Did he wish that fateful kiss had never ended? She would never know.
What if I had never let you go?
Would you be the man I used to know?
If I'd stayed,
If you'd tried,
If we could only turn back time. . .
But I guess we'll never know.
She had kissed him. She had kissed him! And she didn't have the courage to go with him or make him stay.
She could only watch him walk into the anomaly, away from her presence forever more.
If only we could turn the hands of time.
If I could take you back, would you still be mine?
She began suspecting that Nick had fallen in love with Jenny, or, at least the appearance of Claudia Brown in Jenny. It broke her heart. Soon she began to question his love and devotion. If only Nick was hers again, in her arms, never to be torn apart.
'Cause I tried,
But I had to draw the line.
And still this question keep on spinning in my mind. . .
She wept, finally noticing how much he had changed when he ran back in for his wife in the destroyed ARC.
She wept for Jenny. Jenny had done the same thing she had done, all those years ago, she had tried to stop him from making a horrible choice. She thought Nick would've learned his lesson from the last time. She also cried for Connor and Abby, her dear friends, knowing they also be torn apart from their dearest mentor.
And finally, she sobbed for Nick, watching his life slowly ebb away at the hands of his murderous wife. It was then that Claudia realized how much things would've been different had she stayed, if he had tried to make things right.
She still loved him with all her heart, even after all these years.
What if I had never let you go?
Would you be the man I used to know?
What if I had never walked away?
'Cause I still love you more than I can say.
If I'd stayed,
If you'd tried,
If we could only turn back time. . .
But I guess we'll never know.
We'll never know. . .
Yes, Claudia Brown loved him. If only she hadn't let him go.
Alternate Ending
There Claudia stood, sobbing for her friends back at the ARC over Nick's death.
From where she stood was unknown, even to her. All she knew was that she came to this place after that fateful day in the Forest of Dean. She stood there, for years, watching out for her friends.
She had watched Nick grieve for her, had watched him turn into the man that was bitter and cold on the inside, starkly different from the one she had known.
She cried even harder, knowing now she couldn't even watch over Nick anymore, because he was dead, and they truly were separated forever.
Suddenly, there was a bright light behind her. She turned around and gasped in shock. Inside the blinding light was the last person she had ever expected to see again.
"Hello, Claudia Brown."
She may never know what would've happened if Nick hadn't gone through that anomaly, but suddenly it didn't matter anymore. . .
~fin~