To be honest with you, there's a brainstorm of ideas going in my head. I have at least five fics in mind, which I have no idea who to even start and have like 3 or 4 other challenges to complete and still, as if didn't had enough…

So, this fic is written in response to 'The ipod challenge' in HPFC. The challenge consists in writing a song-fic with a different song everyday for 30 days (though, don't trust me to update daily)

Disclaimer: I'm not J.K so bugger off.

Characters:Remus L/Sirius B
Genres: Friendship/Angst
Song: That's what you get - Paramore [An specific part]

Of grieving a friend
-
I wonder, how am I supposed to feel when you're not here.
'Cause I burned every bridge I ever built when you were here.
I still try holding onto silly things, I never learn.
-

Remus Lupin sat on his bed, with blank expression. He felt empty, as he couldn't feel anything at all. He had just made it home, but he didn't think he could stay there any longer either. He stared at his bare hands as if all answer he needed were written upon them.

He had just made it from the ministry but it wasn't the confirmation of Voldemort's return that got him so lost and confused but the image of the only friend he had left disappearing into that veil. Dying.

He thought of Sirius Black. So vibrant and brave, the Sirius Black he had met many years ago, when he studied at Hogwarts. His best friend. He thought of the pranks he was so fond of and how he was able, even in the darkest time, to cheer him up. He then thought of the older Sirius, the one who had gone through so much and who had lost all hope.

Even after going through so much, Sirius still made him feel alive again. After having both gone through so much, the thought of Sirius Black made Remus hope again.

He had not allowed himself to do such after what happened with Lily and James, but after finding out the truth about Sirius, Remus felt this strange joyfulness grow inside him. He felt he still had hope, that he was not alone anymore, and as stupid as it may sound, he felt safe.

But now… Now he was just merely confused. He thought that now with Sirius' presence everything would settle down eventually but his death made it pretty clear that it was all just a lie.

He had let himself hope again, only to go crashing to the ground when such hopes got inevitably burnt down.

Remus sighed and let his mind wander; it was not like he cared anymore, besides he couldn't even be affected by any thought at all, since he was feeling a numbness that was protecting him from crashing down. Strangely enough, he didn't feel affected by Sirius death anymore; he hadn't even been able to mourn properly for that.

He thought of Harry. He knew when he saw Harry's expression on the ministry that he had, foolishly, believed the same thing he had, that things would work out and settle. How foolish had they both been? There's no hope, this war is lost anyways.

Any possible sheer of optimism left in Remus Lupin was now gone, just like the little life Sirius had had within him on his last months of life.

But then Remus stopped dead on his thoughts. True, he trusted Dumbledore and he knew that he'd do everything he could to end this war. But What if he couldn't? Even Dumbledore, being the powerful wizard he was, could fail. And if that happened… Remus didn't want to think of that, so he dismissed that thought.

He stood up energetically from his bed and started pacing on his room. The need for anything at all made Remus feel slightly alive again. He felt something bubbling up inside of him and he was almost felt grateful for his frustration. He tried to hold on to logical reasons. Something he had not made in quite a good time.

He tried pondering of the possibility of Voldemort's natural death, eventually… but the thought just seemed like an enormous joke.

He thought of the possibility of Harry defeating the said wizard, but Harry was just a kid. He could not conceive that. He deserved a normal life, not being involved with this war so deeply.

He thought of million other ways, he even considered running away, but dismissed the idea right away. He tried holding on to the silliest ideas, but it was pointless, and yet again, he knew he had to find a reason to keep believing, if not for him, for the people around, for that small group of people who counted on him.

He could understand how Harry must be feeling, losing his god-father and all. He could also understand how the order members must be feeling, losing a co-worker. But he couldn't understand what his mind was telling him right now.

He felt responsible for those around him –especially Harry-, He felt guilty for not being able to do anything at all, He felt frustrated, angry, even caged. But as to what respected to Sirius' death, he felt nothing.

He didn't feel sad, or pity. He felt as though, it was death he just read on the papers, a stranger, dying. Something natural. Sad and worrisome, but not a grieving matter.

He sat on his bed again, defeated. And there came the emptiness again. But this time, he refused it. He made himself feel angry again.

He stood up frustrated again, this time he paced, more for the strange lively feeling it bought him, than for actually feeling like it.

He thought of Sirius and he stepped furiously as if the floor had the entire fault for his numbness. He thought of his smile, surely not the huge smile he used to wear, but that sad smile he wore lately. He thought of how much he tried for everything to feel normal. And his frustrated expression every time he had to stay locked up in Grimmauld place.

He tried telling himself that he would no longer see him smile again, nor will he hear his voice desperately trying to help in anything other than just providing a place for the order.

At those thoughts he cursed, he paced, he yelled and he got tired. Frustrated that he could still not be touched by his friends death.

And then, after it seemed like he might just give in to the numbness again….

He cried.

XXXX

So, what did you think? I really don't like it much but…

Please, review and tell me what you thought, any feedback (good or bad) is welcomed. Also, any kind of mistake is welcomed to be pointed out…

Love…

Gii3.~