Chapter 1

*WHACK*

*SMASH*

"What the Hell, Rick!?" Morty exclaimed as he watched his mobile phone fly out his hands and launch itself through the patio doors.

"Morty, that's pathetic even for your normal habit of disappointing me at every given opportunity." Rick said flatly.

"You're using Tinder? Are you fucking kidding me, Morty?" Rick asked with sarcastic and utter annoyance.

Morty jumped up angrily from the sofa, clenching his teeth in obvious frustration.

"W-w-well some of us actually want human intimacy Rick, not all of us hate humanity and want to die alone!" Morty stuttered in defence.

"Alone? Morty, we have the possibility to visit an infinite amount of realities. Do you know how many of those contain chicks deprived enough to fuck you until the friction literally rips your desperate dick away from your body?" Rick asks as if pointing out the obvious.

"W-wait, let me prove this to you ma-*blurp*-thematically so that your needy teenage hormones can understand-" Rick mutters as he begins to walk off to grab his whiteboard.

"Rick, cut it out! H-how about you help me out for once, rather than use logic to prove your point is always more valid than mine?!" Morty snaps with a shaky voice.

"If I'm always on crazy, psychologically breaking adventures, w-when am I supposed to find a girlfriend? I have needs that are surpassing my control, Rick. Like, seriously. I think I'm getting some early stages of arthritis in my right hand–"

"UGH, enough Morty." Rick interrupts in irritated disgust.

"If I wanted to know about the shady bullshit that you and your hand get up to, I'd just take a look through the recordings from the hidden cameras I installed in your bedroom." Rick says whilst pulling out a flask from his jacket and taking a long swig.

"C-Cameras?! W-w-what cameras? Oooh geez-" Morty wines and worriedly grips his hair.

"Yep, Morty. I know everything. I-I won't lie to you, Morty. It's bad. Real bad. This is why I'm never letting you pass me the butter at breakfast. I-I'm actually kind of ashamed to even sit at the same table as you most of the time." Rick stutters whilst shoving the flask back into his jacket. Before Morty can reply, Rick continues to validate his point.

"Tinder is just an online platform for a bunch of horny Morty's trying to get laid. In other words, one piece of shit trying to find another piece of shit." Rick explains curtly.

"W-why even bother trying to explain your painfully generic existence with a cringefest of dead-ass quotes for a profile, an-*blurp*-and then using badly cropped photos with a significantly better-looking ex in them?" Rick rants.

"O-or better yet, using pictures of dogs and CLEARLY rented sports cards to compensate for your lack of personality." Rick rambles angrily. Gritting his teeth, Morty walks through the smashed hole in the patio door and receives his phone. He dusts off any remaining shards off glass and checks his notifications. Rick stares.

"Uh, HELLO? Planet Rick to planet extra chromosome?" Rick presses on.

"You listening to me, Morty? You're literally falling into humanities dumbest trap – a gross mix of loneliness, unsatisfied sexual drive and the undignified feeling of being wanted by someone else." Rick states whilst treading over the shards of glass and closer to Morty.

"I-I'm done with all this shit, Rick. I'm taking a break from these traumatic trips across space for a while. I might even have a chance with Jessica still, so you know, I-I might just focus on that-"

"A break? There is no break from this - from reality - you little shit stain. " Rick interjects.

"This isn't your cliché 9-5 deadend job. Y-you know the one. That one that makes you want to knot your tie to the ceiling fan and put it on full power within the first 2 weeks." Rick bitterly continues.

"You don't get holiday time, and neither do I. The quicker you deal with that, the quicker I can stop pretending to give a flying SHIT about your opinion or perception on practically everything." Rick rambles.

"N-Now, can you stop fingering my ass with your clear lack of compassionate parenting, and get on with the real task at hand here? N-not with your right hand though." Rick states, pulling out his portal gun from his jacket. Morty clenches his fists and holds his posture and dignity as much as he can muster.

"No can do, Rick. You gotta help me with this, or I'm dropping all of this, you included. Use that gun to take me to a reality where me and Jessica end up together, or consider me gone for good." Morty says strictly, with his voice still shaking.

"Y-you know, you're being a reeeal big pain in my ass today, Morty. More than usual. A-and you know what else?" Rick says, putting his portal gun on the sofa and leaning in closer to Morty's face, his voice tone of voice getting darker. Morty stands still.

"In alllll of the conceivable galaxies, and in alllll of the infinite realities, there was only ONE where you and Jessica became conjoined fuck buddies. But guess what?" Rick continued, inching his face closer and closer to Morty, his alcoholic breath making Morty grimace in disgust.

"That one, singular, irreplaceable, reality? That outcomes already been completely and utterly destroyed. For good. By me." Rick stated coldly.

"So suck on that with your new found - yet irresponsibly placed - confidence, before shitting out your mouth to me." Rick spits, starring at Morty straight in the eyes. Morty takes a large step backwards.

"You know, I'm not even surprised you ruined the one best thing that could've happened to me, not at all. You know why, Rick?" Morty asks sharply, turning his body away from Rick in clear frustration.

"I honestly couldn't care less." Rick says effortlessly whilst taking another swig of his flask.

"Y-you're so selfish, Rick! Too Selfish for anyone to want to cope with - you only care about yourself, not anybody else!" Morty exclaims in a hurt and angry tone.

"Well whoopty-fucking-doo, guess I'm not the smartest guy in the universe. Well done for that critical observation Morty, I'm sure many dying civilisations are gonna be grateful for that one." Rick says sarcastically.

"Y-You know what else, MORTY?" Rick mimics.

"I honestly couldn't care less." Morty mimics back, looking away in disinterest and crossing his arms.

"Fine, Suit Your-*blurp*-self. I WAS just gonna say, that in the reality where you and Jessica hook up - well, it was actually the one we kinda ruined. R-Remember that? That corpse of you in the garden?" Rick asks in a mocking tone.

"That's Jessica's boyfriend riigh-*blurp*-hhttt about now. Or, well, it would be, if we hadn't kinda killed him - you. Whatever. Just thought you should know." Rick says flatly, walking out of the room. Morty stands in furious silence as he watches Rick leave. Morty turns around to look through the smashed patio doors, to the grave of himself in the garden. His stomach turns, and his blood boils. Morty then walks back into the house, and see's that a slightly drunk Rick has left the portal gun on the sofa.

Morty had an idea.