my entry for the Share Your Inspiration Contest. didn't place...but that's ok. it was fun. thanks to those who voted for me.
kellyprovence is an amazing beta & worked so hard on this for me. thank you.
a true story follows.
Six numbers, one more to dial
Before I'm before you tonight
I tried to call, been busy all night
Gave up waiting at daylight
Excuse me, Mrs. Busybody
Could you pencil me in when you can?
Though we both know that the worst part about it
Is I would be free when you wanted me
If you wanted me
I am the man on the side
Hoping you'll make up your mind
I am the one who will swallow his pride
Life as the man on the side
One of the many
One of the few
To stand back and wait for you
Excuse me, Mrs. Busybody
Could you pencil me in when you can?
Though we both know that the worst part about it
Is I would be free when you wanted me
If you wanted me
If you wanted me
I am the man on the side
Hoping you'll make up your mind
I am the one who will swallow his pride
Life as the man on the side
Life as the man on the side
I fell in love with the dream that I built of you
Playing the part of the queen
Taking my own advice, I'm giving up tonight
Good luck to you and the king
Excuse me, Mrs. Busybody
Could you pencil me in?
Though we both know that the worst part about it
Is I would be free when you wanted me
If you wanted me
If you wanted me
I am the man on the side
Hoping you'll make up your mind
I am the one who will swallow his pride
Life as the man
You know, life as the man
Living life as the man on the side
-John Mayer, Man On The Side.
May
B: Hey, it's Bella. Thanks for letting me use you tonight!
E: Ha. No prob.
B: Hopefully this summer is full of fun things for us!
E: Yeah. It was cool to hang out with you guys.
B: Have a goodnight. :)
E: Thanks.
I'll ignore the butterflies. I probably won't even see her again after tonight. Putt-putt was fun, though. Maybe another group outing can be planned. Her idea of 'using' me is actually preferred. Hell, sending a text message to her clingy friend was the easiest thing I'd done all summer. Bella's funny and pretty. Her laugh is cute. I need to stop. Summer is time for fun. Not commitment. Unless she wants that sort of thing.
June
B: Wanna play 20 ques?
E: Uhh…sure.
B: I'll ask first. You seein anybody?
E: Nah. Are you?
B: Can't ask the same question I did…but no, I'm not. Ya been w a lot of girls?
E: Idk. What's a lot?
B: More than 5?
E: Yeah.
B: Oh.
E: You been w a lot of guys?
B: You did it again! Idk. What's a lot?
E: More than 5?
B: No.
E: Cool.
B: It sucks we haven't seen each other in a couple wks.
E: Yeah. I really wanted that concert to work out. Sucks Jasper & Em couldn't go.
B: Def does. Maybe we cld do somethin soon.
E: I'm sure we can.
B: Night, Edward.
She's random. She'll text me at all hours and asks the most out there questions, but she'll also ask questions that aren't so weird. She's intriguing. Simple but complex all at the same time. She wants to ask me something, but won't. I'm not sure why she's holding back. She seems pretty upfront.
July
B: Ya wanna?
E: I'm not in town until the wknd.
B: Oh. That's cool.
E: What are you up to?
B: I'm at work.
E: Awesome.
B: I guess. Really needed to get rid of some stress though. :(
E: Sorry. Me and Dad are at this thing.
B: Nah, it's cool. Maybe when ya get back.
E: Sure. I'll get a hold of you when I get back to town.
B: Sounds good. Later, E.
She finally asked her question. It took me almost half an hour to answer her back. A booty text. Surprisingly, I'd never gotten one before. I was flattered, and then I realized that's what she wanted out of the summer. She wanted fun…just like I said I did. We had fun. Twice the first time. She's a frequent customer to Edward's peen shop. I'm okay with it. I'll just keep ignoring the butterflies I get when she kisses me. I have to tell myself a few times that when she calls me baby, it's because my head is between her thighs, and not because she's being affectionate. We don't do emotions. We talk and joke around. We're friends. With no strings. If there's the slightest hint of strings, we go back to being the most platonic people on the planet. I don't want platonic. I want Bella.
August
B: When ya head back to school?
E: Sunday.
B: Ya wanna get together Friday night then?
E: Idk if I can.
B: Why not?
E: I have family things I gotta do.
B: After them?
E: I'll see.
B: That's not cool.
E: I'll try.
B: Not good enough, Edward. I want it.
B: Just forget it.
E: I said I'd try.
E: Bella…I'll try okay?
E: Are you really not talking to me?
E: Fine. Just tell me when.
B: Come over around nine. :)
She can be a bit extreme in her behavior. When she gets what she wants, she's awesome. She's fun and makes me laugh. Even acts like we're together sometimes. We'll go out to eat, or something small like that, and I'll beam the whole time. I like that people probably think we're together.
When she doesn't get what she wants, she's almost ridiculous. She's manipulative. She'll stop talking to me until I give her what she wants. I should feel sexy as hell that she wants me all the time. Only she doesn't want ME…she wants IT. Sex. That's what we are. Or were I guess. Once I leave to go to school, I don't plan on being her sex buddy anymore. Three more days, and this agreement will cease to exist. I'll go back to being in control of when and who I have sex with. Hell, I might even get a girlfriend.
September & October
E: What's up?
B: Are you coming home at all this month?
E: Prob not.
B: Bye.
She only talked to me twice in two months. Once she knew I wouldn't be home…I was just an afterthought. I wonder if she's found someone else, yet. Would that matter to me? Yeah, it would. I don't want her to find someone else, but I don't want to be the one she uses and throws away either. Damn girls...they're always playing with our minds.
November
E: Ya wanna get dinner sometime this wk?
B: Idk.
E: I'll be home until Sunday.
B: Ok.
E: Are you mad at me?
E: Why are you mad?
E: I can be free any night this wk.
B: Can't do dinner but, we can mess around Thursday.
E: That's Thanksgiving night.
B: So?
E: Ok. What time?
B: I'll let ya know.
E: Ok.
I know, I know. I said it would end once I went back to school, but I can't say no to her. I have this insane need to make sure she's happy all the time. She's a completely different person now than when I met her. I often wonder where the sweet girl from putt-putt went. She shows up so rarely. I could end it. Just tell her no enough times and then she'd move on. The thing is…I don't want her to move on. I want her to only want me. But she doesn't want me. If I could just keep that fact straight, I'd be better off.
December
B: Where are u?
E: I'm on my way.
B: Omg. You said that twenty minutes ago!
E: I had to wait for the people I came with to want to leave too!
B: Whatever. Hurry!
E: I'm trying.
B: You better make this worth the wait.
My new year's was spent texting Bella and trying to buy myself another fifteen minutes with my friends. She was in a mood. She wanted it then, and not a second later. I made sure I focused on her…not that that's different from any other time, but I wanted to make up for making her wait. I didn't owe her anything, though. We weren't supposed to have plans for New Year's. She already had plans when I text her yesterday, but at 9:30 that night she text me and wanted me to come over. I made it happen. It was the longest and roughest sex we ever had, but she loved it. I'm not just guessing, she told me. I prefer to take my time and be sweet, but not Bella. She wants impersonal sex. Only problem is I think it's impossible to have impersonal sex with the same person for six months. At least for me it is.
January
B: You leave Sunday for school right?
E: No, I left yesterday. I had to get books for the semester.
B: You left and didn't say bye?
E: You weren't talking to me.
B: You suck.
E: You ignoring all four of my texts the other day didn't really scream 'say bye before you leave'.
B: I wanted one last go before you left, Edward.
E: That's all?
B: Yeah. Why else would I want to see you before you left?
I didn't tell her I wouldn't be home until spring break. She was already pissed at me. I'd bet money she won't talk to me for a couple of weeks. I shouldn't care either way, but it drives me crazy when she won't talk to me. I tell her everything…she tells me nothing…and I need that communication.
February
E: Happy Valentine's Day, Bella.
Day 24 of radio silence.
March
E: When's your spring break?
B: Next week.
E: Mine too. Ya wanna do something?
B: Idk. Bf is on vaca too.
E: Oh.
B: Yup.
E: When did ya start seein someone?
B: Couple of wks ago.
E: I see.
B: Yup.
E: Well, if ya find time…txt me.
B: Ok.
I didn't get a single text the week of spring break. I am insanely jealous of her boyfriend. Who the hell does he think he is? I've spent almost a year being there for her. Sexually and otherwise, and I get nothing. He's been with for her two fucking weeks, and she's spending every waking moment with him? Fuck you, Bella.
April
B: You busy?
E: Sorta…what's up?
B: Nevermind.
E: Nah, it's cool. I'm just studying for a test I'm gonna pass. What's up?
B: I think the bf is cheating on me.
E: Why's that?
B: He hasn't really wanted to hang out lately and yesterday he got a call from a girl named Callie.
E: Family member?
B: No. I asked who it was & he wouldn't answer me. Just got up & left.
E: Oh…
B: I'm gonna be alone forever.
E: Bella, you're gonna find a great guy. Who really cares about you.
B: Whatever you say.
E: It's the truth.
B: Ok.
E: Ya ok?
B: Sure.
B: When are you comin home next?
E: Probably not till after finals next month.
B: Oh…ok then.
E: You could come up…
B: When?
E: Next wk? I won't have my Thursday classes.
B: Ok.
E: It'll be fun to have ya here.
B: Yeah.
E: How long ya gonna stay when you come?
B: Idk. How long do you want me to stay?
E: Doesn't matter…but I have class Friday till two.
B: Oh…well I can leave Thursday night.
E: You can stay till Friday.
B: What time is your Friday class?
E: Ten.
B: Ok. I'll stay.
E: You can come up here anytime.
B: Nah. Just this once. You'll be home all summer. We can do what we gotta do when you're home.
-Two hours later-
B: Hey, bf and I are going out of town so I don't need to come up. Ttys.
I had already emailed my professor and told him I wouldn't be able to make my Friday class. Family emergency. I wanted to be able to spend some more time with her. Fuck you, Bella.
May
B: You free this wknd?
E: Nah.
B: Oh…what are you doin?
E: Now or for the wknd?
B: Both.
E: Right now I'm watchin a movie w the gf & this wknd I'm goin w her home.
B: You have a gf?
E: Yeah.
B: Since when?
E: About 3 wks.
B: And you're already goin home to meet the rents?
E: Guess so.
B: It's serious?
E: I hope so.
B: What about us?
E: What about us?
B: Fuck you, Edward.
E: Nah. Been there, done that.
B: Why are you bein this way?
E: I'm tired of being your dick.
B: My bf broke up with me.
E: Sorry.
B: No you're not.
E: Yeah, I am but that doesn't change anything.
B: You said you'd be there for me always.
E: I meant as a friend…not as a fuck buddy.
B: Please, Edward.
E: I can't.
B: Fine. Delete my number & forget we ever met.
E: Don't be like that.
E: Bella…
E: I can come down Saturday, but only to talk. No sex.
B: Ok.
I asked Rosalie out a week after Bella ditched our plans. Not as a revenge thing, because Bella wouldn't care either way, but I was just tired of being used. It was fun at first, but she controlled me and that's not okay. We couldn't be like this forever, right? Rosalie was beautiful, smart, fun, and she wanted a relationship with me. We also had a pretty decent sex life. She kissed me because she wanted to, not because it was what she thought she should do. She called it making love…not sex and when she called me baby, it wasn't always because I was on the brink of giving her an orgasm.
Rose was also cool with me talking to Bella, but I never told her the extent of our relationship. It's not that I was afraid of how she would react, but I didn't see the point of bringing up something that hadn't happened in five months.
I went to Bella's on Saturday like I said I would. I told her at least ten times it was just to talk. No sex whatsoever. She agreed and even said she'd sit on her hands. We talked about how her boyfriend had been seeing someone else basically the entire time they were together, and how she caught him in a ton of lies. I tried to joke and make her laugh; it worked for the most part. We listened to John Mayer almost the whole time, she even burnt me a CD. It was a really fun night, and I was glad that I agreed to talk to her. For once, it was just about two friends hanging out.
I got up to leave around eleven and she walked me to the door, but instead of opening it, she turned, leaned against it, and crooked her finger at me. I reminded her about our agreement, and she said she just wanted a hug. "What harm is there in a hug, E?" I didn't have a good answer, and if I'm being honest, I probably wouldn't have voiced the reason if I'd had one. I leaned down to hug her, and she held on to me like it was the last time she'd ever hug me.
"Just one kiss, please…" she whispered. I told her I couldn't. I had a girlfriend that I really liked. "You love her more than you love me…" It wasn't a question; she stated it as if it was a fact. Only it wasn't a fact. I loved Bella more than I had ever loved anyone, but it didn't matter. It made no difference in how she treated me or felt about me.
"No, Bella…but she wants me." I hated admitting that to her. I didn't love Rose, but I liked her a lot. Bella couldn't even say she liked me a lot without telling a straight up lie.
"I want you…now." Then she kissed me.
I didn't stop her. The kiss led to the sofa, and clothing suddenly littered the floor. When she asked me if I wanted to stop, right before I entered her, I shook my head no and kissed her again. I wasn't lying. I wanted to be with her like this always. It wasn't healthy or fair to me, but when it came to Bella, I didn't care about myself; It was always about her.
That was the first time I ever cheated on anyone in my life. I broke up with Rose when I got back to school Sunday night. She didn't deserve to be lied to and cheated on. I didn't want to use her for emotional needs. I knew what it felt like to only be wanted for one reason. It sucked.
June
B: Haven't heard from you in a bit.
E: Had finals…& had to move my stuff home.
B: I see…when ya back for good?
E: Couple more days.
B: Lots of couple time?
E: No. Broke up with her.
B: Why?
E: I wasn't gonna cheat on her.
B: Who said you were goin to?
E: We aren't messin' around this summer?
B: Idk.
E: Still…I already cheated on her.
B: I know.
E: You're not sorry are ya?
B: Nope.
E: Didn't think so.
B: I should always be your first priority, Edward.
E: You are.
B: Always.
E: It would seem.
June went by fast. It was full of softball, barbecues, lake visits, and of course, late night sex with Bella. As a guy I knew I should have considered myself lucky. I had this beautiful girl who wanted me all the time with no strings… but I wanted strings. I wanted commitment, and if I had to turn in my man card for that, well so be it. I had known Bella for just over a year, and there were days that I wished we'd never met, but then I realize how empty my life would be. Yeah, she put me through a lot of shit, but she also made me laugh and let me vent to her about all the stress school brought me. She knew exactly what I liked in all areas of my life. It was like fate had a twisted sense of humor and gave me my soul mate, but forgot to tell her that I was hers. I would tell her…but what good would it do?
July
E: Have plans for the 4th?
B: Yeah.
E: Oh.
B: Yup.
E: What are you doin tonight?
B: I'm busy.
E: Why are you such a bitch?
B: Cause you let me be one.
E: What if didn't let you anymore?
B: I'd find someone else who would.
E: Be good for me.
B: I told you I can't be.
E: Do you want to be?
B: Idk.
E: Thought so.
B: This is who I am, Edward. Take it or leave it.
E: Do you want me to leave it?
B: I want you to stop with all this shit.
E: Or what?
B: Or it's over.
E: It never started.
B: Fine. Stop it or no more fucking.
E: I stopped fucking you a long time ago.
B: What's that mean?
E: You can figure it out.
B: Tell me!
E: I love you, Bella.
B: Take it back.
E: No.
B: Don't love me.
E: Too late.
B: I'll hurt you.
E: Too late.
I figured I'd just talked to Bella for the last time, but a week later, she asked me to come over. I had decided not to bring up what I had said about loving her; I didn't want to argue with her in person. I didn't get to see her enough to waste time on my feelings for her. I did that in all the time I wasn't with her. Things were a bit awkward at first, but after a couple crappy jokes, we were fine again. Nothing was said about my confession, and we ended that night the way we did every night we saw each other. She wouldn't let me control any part of the sex. She was on top, told me what to do to her, and didn't stay in bed after I finished. I left while she was still in the shower. I didn't get a text asking why I left without saying good-bye.
August
B: What do you want?
E: Nevermind.
B: Just fucking tell me, E.
E: I wanted to see about coming over before I left.
B: Nah.
E: Why not?
B: Because I said…
E: Not good enough.
B: Listen…I think we need to stop this. You're getting in too deep and I'm seein someone that I really like.
E: I really liked someone & still came to see you.
B: You didn't really like her or you would've said no.
E: You're such a mean and lonely person, Bella.
B: I'm okay with that.
E: Are you?
B: I just said I was.
E: I've been everything you want. Why can't you just be with me?
B: I don't want you.
E: There's no good reason not to.
B:I didn't ask your fucking opinion Edward.
E: Fine. You wanna be done…it's done.
B: Great.
Bella text me for five days straight after we 'ended' it all. I made myself not answer a single one. They started out bitchy and distant, but when I didn't reply to the first few she started to get sappy. She told me that she was sorry for hurting me, and she didn't want to lose someone so special to her. I almost caved when those came. Right before I hit the reply button, the next song on the John Mayer CD Bella had burned for me, came on. "Man on the Side" was the reason I didn't text her back. I didn't want to wait for her anymore. Would I love her? Always. Would I be there when she didn't have anyone else? Never again.
September, October, November
Edward Cullen. Junior in college. Happy man. 96 days Bella free.
December
I hated Christmas shopping. There were always so many people buying way too much. I only went out when my dad wanted to mill around and people watch. I liked to buy online. I had just exited the men's restroom at Macy's when I saw her; the brunette that both changed and destroyed my life a little bit at a time. I couldn't move. I wanted her to see me, but at the same time, I wanted to just turn around and walk away. Right as I had made my mind up to turn and run, she looked up. It took her a moment, but recognition flitted across her face. I gave a slight smile and she waved. I didn't move, mainly because my feet were glued to the floor. I'm sure my knees would've buckled had I tried to take a single step.
I saw her debate with herself, and then her feet started moving in the opposite direction. I was relieved and crushed. She didn't need me anymore. Isn't that what I wanted? No, what I wanted was for me not to need her anymore.
I walked back to where my dad was and suggested we leave.
That night around eleven, I got a text.
B: You looked good-happy-you never looked like that with me. I told you that we didn't belong together.
I wasn't going to reply. Bella was my drug. This would be a hit that would lead me back down that addictive road…but I also had to face my addiction in order to take away its control over me.
E: I am happy and I hope that you are too.
B: Not yet, but maybe someday.
E: You'll be happy the day you let yourself be happy, Bella.
B: Why are you so happy?
E: Because for the first time in a year and a half, I'm not the man on the side.
B: Man on the side?
E: I came second or third to everything and everyone in your life. I was always your last resort.
B: I don't know if this will mean anything to you now, but…I didn't know how to love you, Edward…that didn't mean I didn't want to.
E: You could've if you wanted to.
B: Easy for you to say.
E: No, it's not easy for me to say. I would have preferred to be like you and be emotionally cut off from myself.
B: You're too good to be alone forever.
E: So are you.
B: I just wanted to say hi and wish you the best.
E: You always run when the serious stuff comes up.
B: You know me.
E: Yes, I do.
B: You did.
E: I did.
B: I miss you. I mean that.
E: I'm glad you mean it.
B: Good-bye Edward.
E: Good-bye, Bella.
that's all. thoughts would be lovely. thanks for reading. -rach.