This is something that literally came from no where at all. I was listening to "Running up that Hill" by Placebo and within my mind I could see Narcissa letting Severus go- finally saying good-bye and giving him back his life. This is a stand alone piece and as always reviews are welcome and most certainly make my day.
Running
I didn't want to hurt him, I never set out to do that but that wasn't what happened in the end. In the end all that was left were the tattered remains of a broken bitter man and a hollow, lonely woman. All we ever had was a constant battle- a constant run up a hill that never seemed to end. Apart we were empty but together we were a deal with God gone horribly wrong and we both knew it however that hadn't lessoned the blow in the least. He said he had stayed because he couldn't bare to leave me behind surrounded by the things he couldn't protect me from and I had stayed because I couldn't bare to leave behind the only man who ever made me feel anything at all. We had been doomed from the start and both us of had known it but that hadn't mattered in the least- we had both been bound and determined to run and keep running until one or both us died from exhaustion. We had lied all these years and told each other we wouldn't always be so unhappy, that one day it wouldn't be so damn hard; that one day God would swap our places with the beautiful creatures of the world- but that never happened. Nothing what so ever happened other than the hill getting steeper and steeper with each step we pounded and drove within the Earth.
There always seemed to be a thunder within our hearts that propelled us forward despite the times we told the other we were a mistake- that we were destined to die a sticky complicated end. But, when all you have is nothing, something suddenly seems like everything and he certainly was everything to me. He asked me once if I wanted to feel the way he felt- if I was brave enough to touch desperation within a man's soul. I had never been as brave or noble as he was so I had given him the coward's answer. No. I had no misgivings where he was concerned I knew I loved him, beyond what most would ever know of the word but I wasn't sure that what I felt for him compared to the pedestal he had placed me upon. I hadn't been sure then any more than I was now that I could ever live up to his expectations- that my failings wouldn't some how tear him asunder.
So we ran, perhaps out of fear or more likely because it was all we knew how to do. We ran until we couldn't go any farther up a hill we never thought would ever end. We ran until there weren't any more Gods to make deals with, hand in hand always up that hill. We ran until finally one day we reached the top and had no where to go but over the edge of oblivion and suddenly the fear of falling together hadn't seemed so very significant.
I hadn't wanted to hurt him but I could see how deep the bullet lay and it was time to release him, time to end his suffering- time to release him from a vow he should have never taken. I didn't want him responsible for me any longer, I couldn't stand living knowing how miserable his life had become- knowing that as long as I remained within his frame of reference he would never be anything but a slave to his convictions. A slave to me, a slave to what we could never have within the light of day. We both mattered, not just together but separately and it was time for him to stop running- time for him to finally get to walk, perhaps even rest instead of constantly running. I loved him that much, so much in fact I would release him; I would give him the life he had always deserved with someone so much better than I ever could be.
I made my own deal with God that day, that awful day we stood atop a hill we never thought to see over. I pleaded to be forgiven for my selfish nature and my narcissistic ways. I pleaded for his life and in that one moment of self sacrifice and penitence God finally remembered I existed and answered my prayers.
He argued as I thought he would until finally resigned to defeat he dropped his head and turned to look down the hill he had spent his life climbing. Within his eyes I could see he was lost, lost without words or direction and frightened of what his future would hold. I told of him of my deal with God and from that day forward he would never have to run again- never have to run from things that would always catch him. He was free. Free to finally feel anyway he wanted too without always considering someone else first. We had mattered, but now he mattered more and I wouldn't see him unhappy a moment longer.
He didn't kiss me before leaving instead he gave me more than I ever deserved from a man such as him. With tender eyes and slowly spoken words he thanked me, then turned and walked away, down a hill that had taunted him for far too long.
It didn't hurt like I thought it would- the watching him leave and never turn to run back up that hill. In the end I couldn't save us both but alone I had managed to swap his life with one which lived within a more beautiful less complicated world. That was enough- it had to be. That was love by the very definition; one life given in exchange for the other. He wouldn't be unhappy and for once I was happy, I was fine and the fear of falling alone no longer seemed significant at all.