Meet Albert Wesker, of Capcom's Resident Evil. He is waiting in a hangar bay to confront his nemesis, Chris Redfield, something that will ultimately lead to his transformation into an Eldritch Abomination and eventual death via a volcano and two rocket launchers.

This could've been prevented if only he'd had a Sassy Gay Friend.

SGF: What are you doing? ::points at Wesker:: What, what, what are you doing?

Wesker: I am about to execute the final phase of my plan for complete. global. saturation. All I must do is eliminate my archenemy, Chris Redfield, and then, I will create a utopia I will reign over as a god!

SGF: Okay, way to channel Light Yagami. And we all know how it turned out for him. A god? You're a blond Matrix-cosplayer from England!

Wesker: I have evolved far beyond—

SGF: You've injected yourself with magical substances that've made your muscles bigger. You're like biohazardous baseball player!

Wesker: Spencer said the Progenitor Virus would make me a god!

SGF: Spencer? Seriously, you're just gonna take Spencer's word for it? The guy who kept torture chambers in his basement and couldn't even run a company competently?

Wesker: I know that Spencer wasn't worthy, but I was specially selected to usher in a race of superior—

SGF: You were snatched from your Mommy when you were two. They still run Unsolved Mysteries about your kidnapping on A&E! And again, who is it that told you about all this? Spencer. Why are you freaking out so hard about what he told you?

Wesker: Because it meant my entire life was a lie! I was manipulated the entire time! He was like a puppet master pulling my strings!

SGF: Please! Remember what happened after Russia? You fucked him over! He was a living corpse in a wheelchair in hiding in his creepy old mansion when you found him! Do you think he manipulated you into turning him into that?

Wesker: . . . No, I suppose not . . .

SGF: And ditching the company in 1998 and going to work for the Organization? You think he wanted you to do that? No! Come on, Al, you're such a traitorous, backstabbing, self serving little bastard—nobody can control you!

Wesker: Hehe. Maybe you're right . . .

SGF: Was that a hint of an evil laugh I heard? I think it was. Uh-huh. That's the Wesker we know.

Wesker: But . . . but I wanted to be a god.

SGF: Over what? Who the hell was going to survive this 'complete global saturation'? Two people? Who you handed powers just like yours to on a silver platter? How would you still be special?

Wesker: . . . I hadn't thought of that . . .

SGF: Seems like you haven't been thinking since freaking Resident Evil 4! What is this psychotic, chaotic evil, cliché, god-complex Wesker? Where's cold, calculating, in-it-for-the-money Wesker? We miss him!

Wesker: I've been a stupid bitch, haven't I?

SGF: Yeah. You're a stupid bitch.

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Author's Note: XD Oh, Sassy Gay Friend. If only you'd been there . . .

I was on the Thor kink meme and there were a few prompts for the Sassy Gay Friend popping up to have him bitchslap some sense into Loki/Thor/whoever, and for some reason I went and applied it to Resident Evil.

-Anna

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EDIT: This is a reupload of a story that was originally titled 'Stupid Bitch'. I think it was rated T then. Now it's rated M. Why? Because of the rant I'm about to go on, in which I will demonstrate the versatility of the word 'bitch':

Fanfiction dot net has become a very, very stupid bitch. They're constantly bitching about the things that just come naturally as part of fanfiction, such as explicit sex, violence, and profanity, like the word 'bitch'. How can anyone write anything even halfway interesting if the bitches in charge ban us from those things? It's part of life and drama. Many fandoms have it in their bitching *canon*. Who do they think it's harming? Who do they think is on this site? Tiny children? Just make us give fair warning and let it be, for God's sake.

Really, it all just seems needlessly bitchy to me.

Love,

your bitch Anna