The one thing Lily Evans hated was hypocrisy – among other things.
She had decided that a long time ago, when her English teacher had made her re-spell a word continuously until she got it right. Only to discover that the English teacher herself, being a complete hypocrite, couldn't spell the word to save her life!
From then on she began her righteous and prestigious campaign against hypocrisy, hoping to stamp it out of civilization forever.
That was until the previous night.
That night, Lily had, with the help of excess alcohol, let it in.
Alcohol: The first step.
Yes…Lily Evans had consumed a dangerously excess amount of alcohol.
The world was going to bloody end!
The amount of detentions she had given because of excess drinking was uncountable. Yet there she was last night, toppling and giggling and goodness knows what else, pissed as Sirius Black after a Quidditch game.
After that, everything followed suit.
That night had let the dreaded hypocrisy in.
She had said things and did horrible things. She had contravened every rule she had ever made up. Not only had she said and done them after the first step of alcohol, but she had realized that she actually believed and felt every word she'd said and quite enjoyed everything she had done.
That just made her the biggest hypocrite in the entire history because she had been hypocritically denying all the hypocritical thoughts that have been running through her head.
Wait...What?
She must have used 'hypocrite' about fifty times in about 20 seconds.
Now, not only was she extremely and royally pissed off, but also extremely and royally confused-and all of this in the middle of a heat wave in May.
Groaning she opened a button in her shirt, still trying to figure out how to stamp out her brain.
Stupid brain! She had cherished it at one point.
But when it starts to do whatever the hell it wants-now that's just unacceptable.
It didn't seem to want to concentrate on anything important like solving this hypocrisy problem. No! It's focused all on one 'thing'.
How this 'thing' has managed to be the bane of her existence after seven years even after all she confessed last night she would never understand.
She pushed a first year roughly out of the way, ignoring the little innocent bleats of protest.
Another mark in the hypocrite column.
Wasn't she supposed to be starting a faction to protect first years?
Well he shouldn't have been standing there in the first place. If my head wasn't spinning so much he'd be in detention!
"Bloody, ruddy, stupid..."
Her stream of curses however, were disrupted when she crashed promptly and squarely into a solid form and fell, with an almighty, completely ungracious thud on to the floor – her arse as her landing point.
Growling to nothing in particular, she looked up to the perpetrator, her eyes flaming, readying herself to scream at a pillar or pole or an idiotic person – all three, in her mind, being exactly the same thing.
But the moment the image in front of her eyes was processed by her brain, it was like someone had dropped a bucket full of water on her head. For not only did the flame in her flaming eyes diminish, but she felt her whole body sag until she was sure she looked like an old old old old woman in oversized clothes.
There, standing in front of her, adjusting his glasses as he looked concernedly at her was none other than bloody James ruddy Potter – the 'thing' around which her mind had focused all on.
"Lily," he greeted cheerfully, offering her his hand and smiling at her, with something more than normal in his smile, "are you ok?"
She scrambled up quickly in the most unladylike manner possible, ignoring his hand and grabbing her bag in the process.
"Just peachy," she said, in what appeared to be a squeak.
What the hell was happening was happening to her? She did not squeak! She does not squeak! NEVER!
And definitely not in the presence of James Potter!
She bloody made him squeak!
"Um...Lily?" his voice pulled her from her 'squeak debate', "Is there a reason you're trying to burn a hole into my right shoe with your glare?"
And surely enough, after surveying her position, she deciphered that she did indeed look like she was trying to melt the shoe of off James's foot.
"Yes," she stated in a vain attempt to cover up, "yes there is."
He raised his eyebrow at her, amusedly.
But before he could open his mouth to ask, she cut in.
"And it's a secret reason. Which you need to know nothing about," she said, trying to sound authoritative as she huffed in a very ugly prissy manner, trying to hide the redness in her cheeks at her realization of the stupidity of her comment.
His eyebrow goes even higher, "like a secret mission?"
She turned and narrowed her eyes at him "do I look stupid to you James?"
He shrugged and smiled, making her weak in the knees and ready to run into the quidditch pitch and throw her off a flying broom.
Letting his smile affect her knees in any way am in full violation of her anti-hypocrisy rule.
"Well you were trying to kill her shoe because of some secret reason," he stated, "so I don't know. Maybe my shoe was evil to you or something."
She huffed and tossed a strand of her hair behind her, opening another button on her shirt- finding it too hot to bother with why he clenched his jaw and suddenly looked at her like she was Christmas Dinner come early.
"Firstly James," she stated in a very prim, stern and challenging voice, narrowing her eyes further in that very scary Lily Evans way that made people crumble to dust at her feet.
"Your shoe was never alive. So I couldn't have been trying to kill it. And secondly, you have no idea what the secret is. So how can you assume what the secret is and what it's about?"
"Whoa!" James retreated, his hands up in mock surrender, "down Tiger down!"
He grinned and wiggled his eyebrows at her reddened and frowning reaction at his nickname.
She had always said she hated that name. But now...for some reason unbeknownst to her...it was not only cute, but kind of a turn on!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I have decided I need psychiatric help. Because I, Lily Evans do not get turned on when James Potter calls me 'Tiger'!
Do I make myself clear?
Note to self: psychiatric help for talking to oneself.
Stepping closer to her grinning still, he handed her a piece of paper.
"What's this?" she asked, not looking at it – due to her retarded inability to tear her eyes away from his gorgeous grin.
"The Prefect Patrol timetable," he says proudly, "I finished it last night, before you...uh...came in."
Desperately ignoring his stutter, knowing full well the reason for it, she nodded and stuffed the paper in her bag.
I'll die if brings up what an idiot I was last night.
"We're um...together..." he said again, watching as she fiddled aimlessly with the straps of her bag.
She looked up at him abruptly, being the stupid person she was.
"Yeah," he continued, seeming pleased with her reaction, "I changed a few things this morning."
He took another step closer, making her blood pressure surge as he fixed her with a stare that made her feel very bare and naked.
Groaning inwardly, she looked away.
Why did it have to be today that he's seeing me naked?
She definitely did not want him to see her naked, seeing as she had an extremely embarrassing rash on her arse and was not wearing a very attractive bra or a pair of knickers this morning.
Note to self: Remember that people cannot undress with their eyes in reality. It's just a figure of speech.
"Great," she said in a high voice and looked away, "glad that's all fixed then."
And with that rather uncomfortable note, she skittered around him, desperate to get to the end of the corridor – into freedom.
But he wouldn't have that.
Grabbed her arm gently, he brought her back to face him.
"Wait," he said, grinning his lopsided grin, as he steadied her in front of him, still not removing his hand from her arm.
Her stomach just lurched very uncomfortably.
He pulled her a step towards him and smiled that same smile that made her melt and suicidal at the same time.
"Hi Lily," he said in a soft soothing voice.
Unable to look away she mentally slapped herself a million times to stop herself from closing her eyes and leaning in and just listening to his voice and smelling his scent.
He just smells so good!
No! That was the satanic evil leader of all hypocrites attacking her mind! He didn't smell good!
Her physical senses ignored her commanding mind and continued to drive her nerves into frenzy.
Note to self: There is no satanic evil leader of all hypocrites.
She gulped and tried to look passively confused.
"Um...hello..."
"How are you feeling this morning?" he asked me, smiling at her devilishly, taking another step towards her.
"Um...fine..."
He nodded and, still smiling he let his hand drop from her arm to her hand and entangles his fingers in hers while he took yet another step forward, till he was merely centimetres away from her.
Why does that feel so good?
"Good," he all but whispered and she couldn't agree more.
Whether or not the rest of the world had actually faded or not, she wasn't sure, but the sounds of bustling students around her seemed to have dissipated and all she could hear was the blood rushing into her ears and his gentle breathing against her skin.
She felt like those times when a million feathers were falling on her skin after a massive pillow fight with Mary.
It was like time had stopped and she closed her eyes as she just tumbled down into a soft smooth surface of pure bliss.
I think I'm going insane.
His eyes were gentle yet sparkling with something that made her heart do stupid things like trying to jump straight out of her mouth.
Why couldn't I have a tame heart? Of all things!
His scent was almost lulling her into a gentle sleep, but she could feel it send a fire licking all the way up her body, making her breathe heavily –as if she'd run around the quidditch pitch a hundred times.
He took her other hand in his free hand, letting it drop till he held on gently to her finger, a warm, small and subtle yet desiring smile playing across his amazing, soft, smooth, warm, sweet lips – if only she could lean in a bit more and...
STOP! His lips are none of those things. And regardless of last night, I have no idea what his lips are like.
He was looking straight into her eyes, making her brain fizz into the fluff that was usually found under her bed.
She couldn't think straight.
Of all the things! Lily Evans couldn't think! What was happening to the world?
She let out a small breath she didn't know she had been holding as his smile shrunk to just an upturn at one corner of his mouth and he leaned close enough for their noses to touch.
She found herself in complete lack of reasons not to just give in as everything around her started to dissolve into a nothingness that was just them.
She could just...
The dissolving surroundings however seemed to stop at a point, as if barred at this particular spot.
And then she saw it. The spot focused and she saw a giggling human form turn and run down the corridor.
Oh my God! Someone just saw us! Now everyone's going to know I'm a hypocrite.
How could she let him do this? Apart from the fact it being absolutely fantastic, she was breaking hundreds of millions of the non-existent rules in her non-existent anti-hypocrisy set of laws. She was creating double standards for herself.
She had promised that she would never become like one of his blonde, big-busted fan-club bimbos, and she wasn't going to let him do it!
He's coming in closer. Oh god! Think brain think!
No...NOT about him or making out!
She had several options:
1) Run
2) Grab him and snog him till his lips turn blue
3) Run
4) Make out and not care
5) Pretend to have forgotten about last night completely and make him the fool
6) Snog him and then run
7) Run
Damn I wish I could choose all of them!
Hastily she jerked back, hurting her neck in the process and fixed him with a sudden look of confusion, causing him to stop a couple of millimetres before her lips.
"James," she said, trying to sound vaguely curious but very surprised at the same time.
"Yeah?" he whispers, making her spine shiver as he appeared to be undaunted.
Ignore the sexiness. Ignore the sexiness.
"Wh...What..." she stuttered, trying to pry her eyes away from his lips, "what are you doing?"
That worked like a charm.
He looked away from her lips and up at her immediately after she'd spoken, as if she'd just sprouted four flobberworms on the top of her head.
"Huh?" he asks dumbly after a while.
"What are you doing?" she repeated, more strongly and resenting herself every step of the way, "with the close thing and the hand thing and the...thing..."
Way to go Lily! What confidence your words behold!
He retracted his hands from hers and stumbled back a step.
"Um...well..."
Now this was more like it. She was the one supposed to be making James Potter stutter. Not the other way around.
"Lily?" he asks in a strangled voice.
She was torturing the poor boy.
"Mm?"
"Do...don't you remember..." he stutters again.
"Remember what?" she asked, making her tone sounding slightly impatient.
"Last night..." he says, nervously.
She nodded her head purposefully "yeah...why?"
He opens and closes his mouth like a goldfish for a few seconds.
"James, why are you acting like a fish?"
"Just...just...tell me what you remember?"
She raised her eyebrow in hope to cover up her cheeks.
"I went to Mary's birthday party and came back to our Common Room and went to bed," she stated in an 'isn't-that-obvious-like –duh!' tone.
Shaking his head and looking absolutely perplexed, his hand raised, he didn't respond, somehow gob smacked.
"You don't remember anything else?"
Wow is he flustered!
She grinned inwardly at the pleasure she was experiencing – making James Potter flustered.
"No," she said, as if talking to a wee baby, "no, James."
"No...Being drunk or...nothing?" he asked, obviously reverting to his old incapability of forming a sentence.
She widened her eyes in an attempt to look astounded.
"Drunk?" she gasped dramatically, reminding herself of a Marlene Monroe movie.
"How could you suggest such a thing? I was not drunk. I was just...a bit happy!"
His shoulders sagged and he closed his eyes.
"That's because you don't remember," he grumbled.
She narrowed her eyes at him and crossed her arms.
"Well remind me Mr. Potter," she said sarcastically.
"You seriously don't remember the things you said...or the falling over...or the being carried to your room...or the kiss...or the Fugger boff?"
She stared at him for a few seconds and desperately tried to keep the blood away from her cheeks.
She really had said 'fugger boff' last night then.
Shaking herself mentally she shook her head at him.
"No..." she stated as firmly as she could, frowning at him, "and are you sure you weren't drunk?" she hauled her bag on her shoulder and prepare herself to leave, "I only had like two drinks yesterday, of which I do regret! I'm against any underage consumption and I fully admit to being a bit of a hypocrite there. But to say I was hammered enough to not remember a single thing is ridiculous."
She carried on before he could contradict her and bring out the truth.
"And I really can't imagine myself falling over and saying Fugger boff."
"But...but..." he stumbled his face all confused, but she was gone, down the corridor, purposefully resisting running back and kissing his adorable face.
"Are you going to tell me why we're here?"
"Ssssh!"
"Or am I just going to have to pretend I'm intrigued with what you've got to say while I wait here behind this smelly statue of this one-eyed hag?"
"Mary shut up!" Lily hissed again, causing Mary to raise her eyebrow.
"Why are you so hyped anyway? No one's listening because no one is stupid enough to come behind here and listen anyway."
"James comes here," Lily retorted without thinking.
Mary's eyes instantly brightened, and she began to braid the strand of hair in her hand faster.
"Oooh! So it's Potter we're hiding from is it?" she cooed in a whisper, "or should I say Jaaaaaames! Or Jamesy! Or do you prefer Pooh bear?"
"Mary will you please shut your trap for once," Lily snapped, "you opened it enough yesterday."
Mary gasped, "You are evil! And it's not like you didn't get smashed either, Mrs. I'm-Sober-For-Life."
Lily turned to her with narrow eyes and the blonde cowered slightly.
"Are you ever going to let me live that one down? Done enough damage as it is."
"With James?" the blonde prodded, "and no, I'm not."
Lily rolled her eyes, "Do you want to hear what I was going to say?"
Mary looked around her and shook her head.
"Not right now, not particularly, no."
Her redheaded friend's eyebrows shot up for a second before returning to their normal location. With a haughty sniff, Lily folded her arms.
"Fine then," she said huffily, "you can just leave."
Mary laughed, "Ok."
And with that she was gone, braiding her blonde hair without a care in the world.
Lily stared in shock. She was supposed to stay and listen to her to her awful gasp-incurring story and shake her head in shock and give her the best advice that would involve snogging James at any given time and not being a hypocrite.
Growling she ran after her friend, her pride trailing behind her.
"MAAAREEEEEEEE!"
The blonde stopped and turned, a large grin spread across her face.
"Yeees?" she responded, her eyes sparkling, "something I can do for you Lily?"
Lily rolled her eyes and linked her arm in her friend's, dragging her back to their hiding place.
"Yeah, shut up and listen."
The night before: Mary's birthday party.
"Whoooooooooooooooooh!" Lily hollered as she stumbled out of the Gryffindor portrait, drunken giggles and all.
"Lileeeeeeeee!" came the slurred voice of Jessica, "come back for an hour...I mean minute."
Giggling uncontrollably and holding her index finger in her mouth like a five year old; Lily leant into the hole and peered at her equally hammered friends.
"You..." came Jessica's voice as she stumbled over, "...are drunk."
Both girls erupted into peals of raucous laughter.
"I'm not!" Lily protested as she grabbed onto the walls for support, "I'm merel...whoa!"
The entire common room broke out into loud meaningless laughter as Lily lost her balance and fell face first back into the common room.
She sat up, red faced and then broke into another fit along with the girls.
"I'm...trunk...brunk...drunk..." she slurred and snorted, "I can't...even...say...even...can't even...say frunk!"
Mary toppled onto the floor in peals of laughter.
"It's 'drunk' you idiot!"
Lily fell forwards from laughter again, nodding at the floor.
"I know!"
And the laughter continued.
"Let's get the bogey man!" came Tara's cry as she was found standing on the coffee table, hand held high.
A few seconds of silence passed as the girls surveyed their drunken friend through their own intoxicated haze of vision and then all fell about laughing again.
Standing up Lily scrambled back to the portrait.
"I have to go!" She called to the corridor, talking to her friends, "I'm already late."
Mary's giggles could be heard approaching.
"You're drunk and you still know if you're late?"
Lily shrugged and set off, promptly walking into the wall.
The Fat Lady tutted, annoyed at being woken up.
"Sorry Mrs. Fatty," Mary giggled as Lily scrambled up, "methinks maybe Lily should get help from lover-boy James instead of going back on her own."
The Fat Lady huffed and turned away, sending the girls into silent giggles.
"Naughty naughty Mary," Lily hissed through her convulsions, "you called the Fat lady 'Fatty'!"
"Naughty naughty Lily," Mary retorted, still shaking with laughter, "you go all kissy for Jamesy!"
Lily frowned, "no...Not Jamesy! For Pames Jotter!"
Mary looked at her, frowning as well, slightly cross-eyed before Lily turned and walked away.
Two minutes later she was found tiptoeing back and across the threshold and in front of the frowning Fat Lady again, having realised she'd gone the wrong way.
She managed to arrive at the Head's Common Room – somehow- and stumbled in, giggling.
"Ooops!" she choked out through her manic sniggers as the door slammed shut behind her and awoke her co-Head who was asleep at the work table.
"Lily?" he asked sleepily as his eyes found her.
Still giggling slightly she put her finger to her lips and hushed him.
"Be quiet," she whispered, her eyes wide with ridiculous sincerity "we might wake you up."
He stared at her for a few seconds.
"Wha...?"
She giggled, making his heart do a familiar summersault as she stumbled down the three stairs.
"Such a nice person like you needs to sleep James," she mumbled as she placed one foot unsteadily in front of the other, "don't worry. I'll make sure everyone shuts up!"
And with that she suddenly clapped her hands loudly, making him jolt into an upright position.
She looked around the room, her mouth slightly open, looking so innocently dumbfounded as she stared at every corner in the room for about two seconds.
Then turning back to him and closing her mouth she nodded, her eyes still wide like a child's.
"I think they're gone now."
He stared at her in utter confusion, "who?"
But she merely let out a girlish giggle that he found adorable, her finger in her mouth before looking away and attempting to prance to her room.
"La la la la," she began humming out of tune, "la la la la la la!"
He watched her staggering and faltering steps before getting up and walking to her.
"Lily?" he called when he was at her side.
She turned to him, her green eyes wide with a childish surprise.
"Jamesy-poo!" she cooed, her now shining with drunken delight, making his jaw drop.
"What did you just call me?"
She merely giggled as she took a step forward and tumbled.
Reflexively he grabbed her and straightened her up.
"Lily, are you drunk?"
She looked at him and attempted a frown, "no...How could you say such a thing, Jotter...I mean...Potter."
"Yes you are," he said laughing at her slightly flushed face, "where's a camera when you need it?"
She burped rather loudly and then shrugged with a frown, "I don't know."
He laughed at her confused frown and rolled his eyes, taking her hand to help her.
"No...No!" She protested a look of concentration on her face, "I don't need any help."
He raised his eyebrow and let go, watching her go. She took four steps successfully before tumbling backwards onto her arse.
He walked over to her and burst out laughing at her look of pure confusion.
"My arse isn't supposed to be on the floor is it?" she asked looking up at him with her head cocked to one side, looking more innocent than a new born, "how am I going to walk if my arse is on the floor?"
He chuckled and shook his head.
"Here," he said and picked her up to a standing position, "let me take you to your bedroom Lily, before you break something."
"No!" she protested again, pushing his hands away, "Fugger boff Potter! I'm on my own."
There was silence for a few second as he pondered her words.
"Fugger boff?"
"Yeah...Fugger boff!"
She giggled and hiccoughed again and he felt the entire room warm pleasantly.
"I don't think so Evans," he said, hiding his mirth as he grabbed her and hauled her over his shoulder, steadying her by her legs.
She hit him twice on his back but then retorted to giggling.
"James Potter is carrying me!" she said joyfully, "James Potter is carrying me."
He chuckled and opened her door.
"Yes he is."
"Why haven't you before?" she asked, still giggling, "I'm really not that heavy am I?"
"No," he laughed and turned on the light, "You wouldn't have let me Evans."
She made an angry face at his arse.
"That's not true," her voice now resembling an adorable child, "I like it. And I like it when you're close to me or when you're hugging me...like that time I was crying because of mum and dad. I liked that a lot because you didn't try to say the correct thing when I was crying. You didn't say anything."
He found himself at a loss for words.
She looked up to the back of his head and directed her words straight at him.
"How did you know not to say anything?"
He stood still and sighed, still in the doorway, not saying a word.
"You didn't jabber on like the rest," she said and returned to his arse, "I liked that. You didn't say anything and got it completely right."
He sighed again, "Well I'm glad I did, Lily," his voice, for some reason, thickening slightly with emotion.
He started towards her bed.
She let out a childish sound of happiness.
"I really liked it all and I really like you," she stated in the most simplest of tones.
James stopped dead by the side of her bed.
"James?" she asked, reverting her attention away from his arse.
"What did you just say?"
She rolled her eyes and sighed against him, "How would I know what I just said? You were the one listening."
His heart-rate slowed and his shoulder's sagged.
She was drunk.
"You're drunk Lily," he stated, more to himself.
She giggled as she felt himself lower her.
"Yes," she said, her arms around his neck while she held her feet off the floor, "and I looooove it," she smiled radiantly at him pulling him closer, "like I'm in loooooooooooove with you."
And as soon as her feet were on the floor, her lips had captured his completely, taking control, her arms wrapped tightly around his neck.
He didn't respond at first, in shock but before he had time to think she had placed herself right against him and had pulled him down with her onto the bed.
His mind soon clouded and he soon found his hands on her hip and side, his mouth doing things to hers that he had only dreamed of.
She could hear her breathing accelerate with his own as she pulled him closer onto her and raked her fingers through his hair.
He let out short growls of satisfaction that matched her soft small moans and soon one of her hands slipped to his chest while one of his became entrapped in her hair.
After a few blissful moments however she pulled away and looked into his eyes, one corner of her mouth upturned.
She sighed contentedly and giggled, and he could see straight into the green, without any tarnish of intoxication.
"And I loved that like I love you as well," she said softly before removing her arms from around his neck and chuckling as she looked at him.
He smiled slightly and pecked her lips softly before pulling away again and looking at her.
"Now Fugger Boff Potter," she said yawning, making him raise an eyebrow in surprise, "I want to fleep...cleep..."
Without warning she turned onto her side and whacked him square in the nose with her elbow, still muttering.
Mary stood in silence for a while, just staring at Lily's very red face after the dreadful confession.
"Really?" She asked finally, "Really?"
Lily nodded gravely, "I know..." she mumbled, "...it's awful and..."
But before she could finish her blonde angel of a friend burst out into uncontrollable laughter, much like the night before.
"You snogged Potter!" she said rather loudly through her giggles, "you snogged Potter. And you liked it. After all this time!"
Lily's face went even redder than her hair and opened her mouth but was once again cut off by her friend's comments.
"It's about time Lily! You'd think you were actually not in love with him, the way you were going on. Bloody Hell!"
Lily gasped, aghast.
"I am not..."
Alas, she was cut off again as the bubbly blonde before her began singing, the smile refusing to leave her face.
"There once was a girl called Lily
One night she got drunk and got all...diddly
She got hammered and smashed
Snogged Potter in the...wait...trash
And now they'll be snogging each other silly!"After a few minutes her friend was subdued and faced Lily's narrowed eyes, undauntedly of course.
"Are you quite done?"
"Not quite," came the cheeky reply, "but please carry on."
"We didn't snog in the trash," Lily stated, her arms crossed, "it was on my bed. Just to remind you and..."
"Yeah but I needed a rhyme so..."
"Mary!" Lily scolded, her voice kept surprisingly low, "don't you get it?"
"What?" Mary rolled her eyes in exasperation, "you got a bit drunk and confessed your feelings to the guy you're in love with and got a snog out of it as well. Jeez! If I were that lucky I wouldn't be complaining."
Lily narrowed her eyes.
"You would be that lucky if you would just tell Jack but you won't so it's not..."
"Getting a bit hypocritical are we?Lily's mouth remained open as her cheeks lost colour. Mary raised an eyebrow but soon changed to a shocked expression when Lily's face crumpled as if she were about to cry.
"Lily?"
"That's true, Mary!" she said in a strangled voice, "I'm the biggest hypocrite. I'm a double...no...Quadruple hypocrite."
Mary's mouth hung open, "what?" she shook her head momentarily, "no...Lily I didn't mean..."
"But I did," Lily replied heavily, looking at the floor.
Mary rolled her eyes, "do you know how soap-opera-ish this is right now?"
Lily looked up at her, glaring, "A little help here Mary!"
Mary rolled her eyes, "this day should be recorded. The first day Mary level-headedly treats a psycho over-reacting Lily."
Lily turned away and huffed, only to be turned around forcefully to face Mary – by Mary.
"What is the problem?" she asked, but didn't let Lily even open her mouth, "so you broke a few of your pathetic rules. Everyone does. Especially in circumstances like this."
Lily didn't respond.
"How long did you think you were going to be in denial for?"
"I'm not in denial Mary!" Lily protested, "I'm not in love with James. Whatever made you..."
"You are," Mary cut her off; "you said you said it last night. To him! Before and after you forcefully pulled him into a snog...on your bed!"
Lily opened her mouth but decided against it and scowled.
Mary smiled triumphantly, "So say it out loud Lily," she said coaxingly, "Are you in love with James Michael Potter?"
Lily looked at her with a calculating frown on her face, "I didn't know his middle name was Michael."
Mary narrowed her eyes, "now that we have officially switched roles Evans, I have the authority to tell you to shut up and stop changing the topic and answer the bloody question or I will squeeze it out of you."
Lily grinned evilly at her after a few seconds.
"And seeing as we have officially switched roles Anderson, I have the authority to say that you told me to shut up. So I am."
"Lily!"
"Alright alright."
"Alright what?"
"I, Lily Evans am..."
But she stopped midway when she heard a sound.
She hushed Mary and leaned against the back of the statue and peered intently at the space from which they could exit, listening to what was going on at the other side.
"What?" Mary asked, whispering.
"Ssssssssh."
"But..."
"Mary, I'm trying to concentrate."
The blonde rolled her eyes and returned to her braiding, "I see we've reversed roles again."
But even she had to perk when she heard two familiar voices.
"James...why is it that whenever you mention Lily in a conversation you're either elated or utterly gloomy?"
Lily turned to Mary and put a finger against her lips, "Remus," she whispered, indicating to the voice.
A second voice could be heard.
"Yeah and by gloomy he means chuck yourself off the astronomy tower gloomy."
Mary snorted and Lily hushed.
A downcast sigh could be heard and both girls leaned forward towards the space.
"Because that's just what happens to me, Moony."
Both girls recognised the voice as James's and Lily's cheeks reddened while Mary scowled.
"What happened this time?" Remus asked, slightly tiredly.
"Well," James begun in a sarcastic tone, "apart from the fact that she told me she was in love with me and snogged me on her bed..."
Mary grinned at Lily's tomato cheeks.
"...nothing really."
A collective very un-masculine gasp could be heard at the entrance to the girl's alcove and Lily had to bite her tongue from squeaking in fright as James tumbled backwards in depression, leaning his back against the wall – the statue however, cutting off his face.
Stupid Statue!
Mary made eyes at her and returned to eavesdropping.
"Prongs?" Sirius called carefully, as if approaching a psychotic serial killer, "are you feeling alright?"
Lily could just imagine the adorable scowl on James's face at that comment and immediately began to mentally slap herself for her misuse of adjectives.
"Padfoot," James cut in angrily, "I'm not lying. I didn't imagine it. And I didn't dream it either...at least not this time."
Mary raised her eyebrow, unknowingly simultaneously with Remus.
"How do youknow you didn't dream it?"
Lily rolled her eyes at Sirius's silly comment and James groaned.
"I think I'd know what the bloody hell I dream Sirius," he said impatiently, "and anyway. The Lily in my dreams isn't drunk and doesn't say Fugger Boff. She's in a long sexy white dress and it starts raining just as..."
"Ah ah ah," Sirius cut in, "something you forgot to mention Progsey?"
"Apart from his ridiculously filmy fantasies?" Mary added quietly and Lily ignored her.
She watched, slightly mesmerized as he ran his hand embarrassedly through his hair, raring to do it herself.
"Uh...ok..." James stuttered, "...so she was a little drunk...big deal."
He laughed slightly nervously but stopped abruptly – Lily guessed at the expression of his fellow marauders.
Sirius sighed loudly and laughed, causing a visible tinge of pink to rise up James's neck.
"You believed what she said," Sirius said through his chuckles, "even though she was drunk?"
Both Lily and James scowled.
"Yes," James answered stubbornly, "yes I did."
Sirius let out another bark of laughter.
"Ok Prongs," he said, laughing harder with every passing moment, "Let me put to you this way. Lily Evans...you know...THE Lily Evans, who has hated you since the beginning of time was drunk."
Lily still found herself cringing at that thought.
"Issue number one! She was drunk! To how many people is she known to consume even one drop of alcohol? She's such a prissy little caterpillar!"
"What?" Lily hissed the same time as James let a growl of outrage escape his throat.
"She is not a caterpillar!" he said, snarling slightly.
"And just because she abides by the rules and has an ounce of responsibility and maturity and discipline does not mean that she's prissy Sirius," interjected Remus.
"Oh come on Moony!" Sirius disputed, "I know I'm a bit over board but..."
"Compared to you Sirius," Remus cut in, his voice still calm, "even the drunk barman at Hog's Head is prissy. You cannot provide any comparison."
"Yeah," James put in happily, "you're the drunkards drunkard mate. Seriously."
Sirius barked a laugh again.
"You can talk Prongs," he said, mischievous laughter lacing his tone, "you came in completely smashed last week and fell face first into the Gryffindor Common Room fireplace. You were lucky it was out."
James's hand flew to his hair again in embarrassment.
"And then you went stumbling to your Common Room, planning to pick Lily up from her bed and take her on a romantic broomstick ride and make sweet love to her near the moon!"
Lily found a hand around her mouth before she could let out a gasp, scream or any other shocked sound.
The red around James's neck was extremely visible now.
"I did manage to pick her out of bed and get her to the door before I tripped."
Lily scowled. His defence couldn't have been feebler if he tried.
That had hurt Potter.
"Yeah...she was so wanting you then right? I bet she just gasped "Take me Potter, take me now!"
"Shut it Pads," James mumbled.
"Why gasped?" came a fourth new voice – Peter. A pregnant pause followed and Lily was sure all eyes were rolling.
Sirius laughed, "because my dear inexperienced friend. When girls get turned on they can't really talk all that much anymore. So therefore, through that time of extreme horniness, she would have only been able to gasp. Not talk."
"Is that why men find sex so attractive?" Peter asked, "because it stops women from talking?"
"Probably my mousey friend," Sirius replied, "probably. Though I doubt you'll ever find out."
"How incredibly sexist!" Lily hissed. Mary shushed her up."That's the first almost intelligent thing I've heard you say Peter," Remus said sarcastically, "but aren't we getting off topic?"
"What? James not getting a shag from Lily?" Sirius cut in crudely, "I always thought that was topic of discussion."
"You hardly ever participate in discussion Padfoot. Unless it's to do with boobs, snogging, pranks or sex," James retorted and both girls nodded solemnly at the truthfulness of the comment.
"I really don't see why that would be a problem," Sirius replied, his voice casual and uncaring, "what other conversations do we have?"
James didn't anything for a few minutes.
"Wanker."
Sirius laughed, "like you don't!"
James gasped, aghast, "what?""Oh come on! You can't lie about that!"
"Well I don't do it as much as you then!"
"Yeah so? At least I do it like a normal person – to pictures. Not to an image in my head of..."
"OK!" Remus cut in loudly and Lily found herself thanking him with all her heart, "can we talk about something not idiotic for once?"
"Sirius is here," James said in a mischievous voice, "so no."
"Back to the topic of drunken Lily," Remus continued, ignoring James.
Lily winced.
"I believe you James," Remus proceeded, in a completely serious voice. James stood up straighter.
"What?"
"I believe that that's what happened last night," he stated simply and even Lily's mouth dropped.
Remus actually believed that she would get drunk?
What kind of reputation did she have exactly?
"And?" James prompted.
"Whether she meant it or not I don't know because I haven't seen her this morning at all," Remus answered in a logical voice, "but I think it's possible. Very possible."
"Have you lost your marbles?" Sirius cut in rudely, "Lily Priss Evans, in love with Prongs?"
"Her middle name is Marie, Pads," James said, automatically correcting.
"Whatever. It's complete bollocks! She was drunk. So she said a whole load of codswallop," Sirius retorted, "why you getting his hopes up Moony?"
Remus laughed, "Because I do believe that Lily has taken a liking to James. You can see it in the way she acts."
"HA!" Mary said a little too loudly and all four boys were silent.
"I think Peeves has flew through Mrs. Norris again,' Peter said as wisely as he could.
"It's flown Peter, not flew," James corrected, sounding very fed up.
Lily scowled at her friend before turning back, hoping the conversation wasn't over.
"She hasn't been acting like she has a thing for him at all," Sirius continued, unabashed, "I should know!"
James snorted, "Yeah! Cuz you know everything there is to know about how women act and feel."
"I do."
James rolled his eyes along with everyone else present, "you think any girl would swoon at your feet the moment you say: 'Nice Jugglers!'"
Sirius huffed, "well they do."
"Only because they have an IQ of a stupid brain dead pig!" James retorted, laughing, "You don't know anything about real women Pads."
"What the hell do you mean a real woman? If they have a pair of tits, long hair and no penis, they're a real woman," said Sirius, "what you mean James is, if they're attractive or not. That's a different cause."
Once again all eyes rolled.
"What if they have short hair?" Peter asked innocently, only having just joined the conversation again.
"I give up," said James sounding exasperated, "I'm gonna go back to talking to Remus."
"You are missing out on intelligent conversation," came the huffy reply.
"Thank you James," said Remus, sounding very mature, "As I was saying. Lily has changed this year when it's come to James. She's obviously seen that he's matured and can see the real James instead of that pompous ass he used to be."
James's grew and slumped at his words, "I was a pompous ass wasn't I?"
"Quite," Remus answered quickly before carrying on, "She might be attracted to James or might just want to be good friends. So whether or not she meant what she said...well I don't know."
James sulked against the wall even more, "I hate that woman," he grumbled and all three boys nodded sympathetically.
"Well let's head off," Sirius said after a few moments, "let's see if we can get Snivelly!"
And the boys were off, James lagging slightly behind Sirius.
"Maybe that'll cheer him up," was the last the heard before a silence fell over the empty hallway.
Checking that the coast was clear they crept out from behind the statue.
"Just tell him Lily," Mary pleaded as they both walked up to the Gryffindor Common Room, "please."
Lily rolled her eyes, "there's nothing to tell."
Mary growled, annoyed, "why are you making such a big deal over this hypocrite thing? Everyone's a hypocrite! Stuff your stupid rules!"
Lily remained silent.
"You know what I'm going to do?" Mary continued, now reaching rant volume, "I'm going to find that bloody paper and get rid of it. Then you'll have no rules."
"Mary that's ridiculous."
"Why? Because I'll be ripping up that age old paper that you wrote when you were like two? Or because you'll still be a stubborn prat and follow the rules in your head?"
"Both."
Mary growled and the girls walked back in silence for a while before Lily sighed heavily.
"Mary don't be angry," she pleaded and sidled up to her friend, "I hate myself for it but I have to stick to my principles. Unless it's something utterly life altering I won't change them. You know that. Everyone does. It's how I work."
"But this is life altering," Mary countered, "for everyone. You are in love with James Potter! How more life altering do you want it woman?"
Lily rolled her eyes, "I highly doubt that I'm in love with him. It's just a crush. And to prove it to you, I'll be over this rubbish within a couple of months at the latest."
Mary rolled her eyes and laughed, "Yeah right!"
"I promise you! And you know that a promise is a promise!"
Mary stopped and so did Lily, both girls looking each other in the eye steadily.
Finally Mary nodded, "Fine. But if you don't make it then...then you have to tell Potter why you caused all this commotion."
Lily began to protest but Mary shut her up, an evil glint in her eye that disturbed Lily immensely.
"If you're so confident you're right then you have nothing to worry about."
Lily pondered for a few seconds before nodding, slightly hesitantly, "fine! We have a deal."
Mary nodded in return and then both girls began walking silently again, heads held high – before Mary started to giggle loudly.
"I can't believe you said Fugger Boff!" she said and linked her arm Lily's as a sign of truce, "of all the stupid things you could say, you said something we'll all be talking over Christmas Dinner with our grandkids."
The Charms classroom was empty when James walked in that night. All students were in the Great Hall eating dinner – that exact thought making James's stomach rumble.
"You're here," came a female voice and Mary stepped out of the shadows, "what took you so long?"
James shrugged, "I was still deciding on whether to pick this or a lovely dinner."
Mary nodded, grinning, "Well I'd better be quick then," she said and perched herself onto a desk.
"Lily's in love with you."
James did nothing.
"James?"
"What?" he said after a few seconds, his voice was slightly hoarse.
"Say something."
"What?"
"What what?" Mary countered, "Say something to what I said!"
"Yeah! I did!" he said, looking at her as if she were from an asylum "what the bloody hell are you on about?"
Mary rolled her eyes, "I knew you were too thick to be Head boy," she muttered and fixed him with a patronizing stare, "Lily," she said slowly, word by word, "is–in–love–with-you!"
She jumped off the table and stood with her arms folded over her chest.
"Do you get it now?"
His mouth slightly open, James shook his head in a slightly dumb manner.
Mary threw her arms into the air and groaned.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" she hissed loudly and furiously, "how the hell am I supposed to explain that to you? She's drop dead in love with you! She daydreams about you sometimes and always has to look at you at least four times in every class! She hates it when your prefect rounds are split but is nervous to her toenails when you're together. She's so in love with you that she has to come to the Gryffindor Common Room to complete her homework sometimes because she can't concentrate when you're in the same room as her! In fact, she's so crazy stupid in love with you that she wouldn't mind if you picked her up off the bed when you were smashed and took her for a romantic broom ride and made sweet love to her near the moon, even if you dropped her fifty odd times. She probably bloody fantasizes about it you dolt! What..."
"Wait what?" James interrupted, "where did you hear that?"
"From Lily of course. Who else would she tell that she's in love with..."
"No!" he cut in swiftly and somewhat agitatedly, "about the broom ride."
Mary was immediately silent and James crossed his arms.
"You were eavesdropping on the conversation?" he stated accusingly.
She shrugged and folded her arms in an attempt of proud defiance, "yeah so?"
Rolling his eyes he grinned slightly, "Where were you?"
"Behind the statue."
James nodded in understanding and shook his head, "and you let me guess. You found it exceedingly funny."
Mary nodded enthusiastically, "I found it kind of lame but sort of understandable but Lily was shocked. Though I'm sure after thinking about it she found it very rom..."
"Lily was there?" James squeaked in fear, "with you?"
Mary nodded sympathetically after a few seconds, realising the trauma the boy could be in, "like I said, she probably thought that it was very romantic."
James groaned heavily and sank down onto a desk, a hand on his head, "I hate eavesdroppers."
"Yes well, you used to be one Potter."
"What?" he exclaimed looking up, "I never..."
"You thought we didn't know the amount of times you were behind the suits of armour or in the broom closets listening?" she countered, grinning at his reddening face, "Half the conversations were staged because of you."
He perked slightly, "so you guys were lying when you said you hated..." but trailed off when she shook her head laughing.
"Oh no she did hate you. But mainly because of the stalking," she explained, "so all those conversations were in hope that you would bugger off."
James rolled his eyes dejectedly, "and being the pillock that I was, I never did."
"Yes," Mary agreed fully, "and that pillock-ness payed off immensely."
"Pillock-ness?"
"Is my English an issue right now?"
James shook his head and backed away slightly, "just...wondering."
"Well don't waste your brain power on that. It appears to be minimal anyway. Focus it on a plan to make Lily confess."
James stood up straight and business-like, "how am I sure you're not tricking me?"
Mary rolled her eyes, "what on earth would I gain from playing this kind of joke on you? It's completely non-sensical. Besides, she remembers what happened last night."
James stopped dead, "she does?"
Mary nodded almost ecstatically, "yeah she told me all about the kiss and the Fugger boff! And she knows that I know that she knows that she meant every word of it...apart from Fugger boff."
After a few calculating moments James frowned, "well if she remembers and meant it, why is she doing all this pretending?"
"Ah!" Mary stated and placed herself on the table carefully again, stretching out the suspense after having reaching the main point, "that's what this is all about."
James was unresponsive.
"Lily has this...thing...that she's had since she was like five," she began explaining, "this thing against hypocrisy. She is so against it that she wrote up a list of rules."
She nodded understandingly at James's raised eyebrow.
"I know…sad! But you're the one who's in love with her so…whatever. Anyway she thinks that by admitting she's in love with you she'll be an even bigger hypocrite than she already has become by getting drunk and telling you all those things."
"That's so..." James started but shook his head and gave up.
"Yeah...my mouth got disconnected from my brain for a while as well," Mary hurried on, "what's important is that we get you two together."
James stared at her for a few minutes and then burst out laughing. The idea was ludicrous and he so forwardly put it.
"Why? You both obviously want to be together," Mary defended, slightly put off by the fact that her plan was being laughed at before she even explained it.
"It's not possible to get me and Lily together because...well…it's just bloody barking mad!"
"What do you mean?" Mary protested, "You haven't found a reason not to believe it."
"Well apart from it being completely impossible…no…"
Mary folded her arms and scowled, "Me and Remus have told you and you still won't believe?"
"Remus said she might."
"And I am confirming it!"
James's shoulders sagged and he shook his head, "do you realise how down right nuts it is? For four years she hates me and then falls in love with me? It's crazy? You'd have to be a right plonker to believe that without proof!"
"You want more proof than I've just given you? Ok!" Mary said, sounding very frustrated, "last Christmas, didn't she accept your invitation to the Christmas ball?"
"We're Heads! We had to go together any…"
"But not for the whole night. She stayed with you the whole night. She's always slightly jumpy around you and this year has been the only year that she's come to every quidditch match so far-even though she's got no reports or duties at the stadium. Sometimes when you're talking she forgets to listen and just looks at you. Both I and Tara have noticed. She gets angry when you flirt with other girls and gives both you and the girl a punishment, saying that you're setting a bad example."
James had nothing to say to that comment, well aware of its truth.
"What more do you want Potter? All we need now is a confession from Lily herself!"
"That would be helpful, yeah," said James rather embarrassedly.
Mary rolled her eyes but smiled, "well all we got to do is get that and get you two together."
James shook his head and smiled, "even if I do believe you, it's still impossible"
"And why?"
"This has been attempted throughout the years Mary by the most competent of people, I and the Marauders," James answered, still laughing, "I doubt you will be able to come up with a plan that we haven't already."
Mary looked at him with a look that could have made Albert Einstein look stupid.
"Competent?" she repeated, sounding excessively bored and unbelieving, "that isn't a word I would associate with you or your little mini-Potters."
James scowled, "they're not mini-Potters! Those are my future kids."
"With Lily," Mary added cheekily and made him scowl.
"That's in the parallel universe where Lily Evans loves James Potter," he said in a bored and slightly annoyed tone, "so excuse me while I go to dinner and leave you to get to grips with that fact. It took me about four or five years myself, so… don't know about you."
He turned to leave, ruffling his hair on the way, clearly not in the best of spirits."What if I told you I had a foolproof plan?"
He stopped at the door at her words for a reason unbeknownst to him and turned.
"I'd ask what the plan is. Then I'd laugh at it and tell you it wouldn't work and then I'd leave."
Mary nodded.
"I have a foolproof plan."
James rolled his eyes and shook his head but Mary cleared her throat expectantly.
"What's the plan then Mary?"
"Come and let me enlighten you