He had to be the biggest sadomasochist of them all. Why else would he expose himself for this kind of hurt again and again? Taking a sip of the coffee the stewardess had just placed in front of him John Paul leaned back in the uncomfortable seat and looked out of the window. Then he looked at his watch. 45 minutes until he landed in Dublin. In less than an hour he would see Craig Dean again for the first time in five months. And Sarah. He frowned with guilt and cast a nervous glance down at the watch again, before taking it off.

Love always. The inscription shone towards him. And it was probably right. No matter how much Craig hurt him, no matter how many times he made him feel like a worthless pile of dirt, he still loved him. John Paul was only eighteen years old but he feared that it would be like that for the rest of his life, even though it meant practically going back into the closet. Oh, he was gay all right, everyone knew, but no one thought he was out and proud anymore. For all they knew he had been living the life of a monk since his break up with Spike early in the summer. That was Craig's fault. John Paul closed his eyes. No, it was his fault. It was he who accepted this secret relationship. No one forced him, except maybe himself. Because loosing Craig was not an option. Not ever.

"Quite a treasure you got there, darling."

John Paul smiled at the old lady who sat next to him. "Yeah, it is, isn't it?" he said, looking at the watch with the inscription.

"You got it from someone special, I guess?" she asked, smiling.

"You can say that," John Paul answered, feeling his heart beating a little faster. "Probably the love of my life."

"Ah, young love." She sighed romantically. "You're so lucky - no worries, just loving and caring."

If you only knew, John Paul thought, and they fell silent.

He was going to Dublin to see the love of his life and his fiancé - who said no worries? It was immoral, selfish and just a horrible thing to do behind a friend's back. But he couldn't stay away anymore. Not having Craig in his everyday life was close to unbearable. All though John Paul hated him sometimes he always loved him more. He loved him enough to be his dirty little secret even though he knew he deserved more. Closing his eyes, John Paul left his mind drift back almost half a year earlier.

FIVE MONTHS EARLIER

"Then you just have to ask yourself: Who can't you live without?" John Paul felt the blood pounding in his temples and looked furious into Craig's pleading eyes. The other man swallowed.

"You."

The word was almost a whisper. But it didn't matter what Craig said. John Paul had come to the Dog earlier that evening and expected to find his lover ready to go clubbing with him. Instead he had walked straight into an engagement party, Craig and Sarah's engagement party. And for what seemed like the thousandth time that summer, his world had just shattered. He was so tired of it. Craig had barely gotten him upstairs before he started to shout. And now here they were, in Craig's room, John Paul once again the loser, the screwed one.

"Prove it!" he urged his lover.

Craig stared at him like he didn't know what he was talking about. In a second John Paul had crossed the room and dug out Craig's cell from his pocket.

"What are you doing?"

"Call her up right now! Tell her about you and me." John Paul heard the desperation in his own voice and felt even angrier as Craig turned away, mumbling something he didn't catch.

"DO IT, CRAIG!"

Before he knew it, Craig had thrown away the phone and grabbed his shoulders. John Paul suddenly found himself pushed up against the wall in his lover's room, the brown eyed man kissing him fiercely.

"There's your proof," Craig whispered hoarsely when they broke apart. John Paul felt a shiver through his body hearing Craig's voice like that. He was still angry and hurt, but having the man he loved so close had an effect on his body that made it difficult to act on those feelings.

"I love you, John Paul," Craig continued. "There will always be me and you." And then he kept kissing the reason out of him again. It wasn't the first time Craig made him equally angry and horny; there had been loads of those during the summer. He felt the heat spread through his body as Craig held him close up against the wall and kissed him passionately, shoving his tongue deep into John Paul's mouth, making his senses spin. John Paul reached for Craig's crotch, but as soon as his hand made the connection the other man bounced from him. Craig stepped away, panting heavily.

"Not here, not now, JP," he said. "We'll have to get downstairs. People may get suspicious."

John Paul looked at the young man standing in front of him and he wondered: How was it possible to hate and love somebody at the same time? Once again Craig had acted selfish and treated him like shit, and all he could think about was how to get those clothes off that gorgeous body, wanting to be as close to him as possible.

The thought of Sarah struck him. She was down in the pub, laughing and dancing, while showing off her engagement ring and bragging about her relationship with the very same guy John Paul loved. The jealousy and anger flushed over him, together with a strong lust. He slowly crossed the room and stepped close to Craig again. "Oh, you're not going anywhere. Not until I've had my way with you," he whispered while leaning in closely. "I'm gonna fuck you. Right here, right now."

Craig shivered with lust and John Paul saw both nervousness and excitement in his eyes. He had discovered loads of times that domination turned his lover on big time, and knew that he didn't have to push him for very long, before he gave in.

"John Paul…" Craig said uncertain, but that only made him even more determined. He grabbed Craig's shaking shoulders, turned around and pushed him into the same wall Craig had held him against a couple of minutes earlier. And Craig didn't refuse.

John Paul attacked his lips with his own, biting the lower lip and licking the inside of that gorgeous mouth. Ripping of Craig's shirt, he heard the buttons being scattered around the room. The brown haired man was too occupied by his actions to react on this. John Paul licked his chest and bit one nipple while massaging the growing erection under Craig's jeans. Appreciative moans were the only sound in the room. He felt warm hands clawing at his chest as he went back to kiss those gorgeous lips. Craig's brown eyes were heavy with lust now and he stared at John Paul with amazement. John Paul stared back before grabbing his hips. "So you're getting married, are you?" he whispered, feeling a sting in his heart by the thought. Craig didn't get the chance to answer before he continued: "But don't you ever imagine that you belong to anyone else than me, Craig Dean. You're mine and I'm gonna make you mine all over again, right here up against this very wall."

And he turned Craig roughly around, hearing the man whimper with desire. John Paul reached around his waist and with a fast movement removed the clothing. He stroked Craig's cock firmly while unbuttoning his own jeans. "I'm not the only one who's horny here," he whispered hotly. "Admit it, Craig. You want me badly right now."

"Yes…" Craig's voice was shaking.

"Say it Craig."

Craig turned a little and their eyes met. They had been through this routine several times and he knew what John Paul wanted to hear.

"Fuck me, John Paul."

And moistening his hand with spit, John Paul made Craig ready for his entering. He guided his cock towards the delicious opening between those lightly tanned buttocks and with a light push he was inside, Craig giving a little grunt with pain. John Paul pushed on merciless until he was completely surrounded by the hot flesh he loved so much. They were both panting heavily and hands clawed at the wallpaper.

John Paul started moving in and out. God, he loved fucking Craig; he was so tight and warm and undoubtedly he loved being fucked as well.

"Ah, yes," Craig moaned. "Oh my God, John Paul, yes."

John Paul kept on with his thrusts, getting even more excited by the moaning. He pushed harder and looked down to see his cock disappear in and out of sight. "Oh, Craig…" he moaned.

"Fuck me," the other man panted. "Fuck me."

He loved it when Craig said that, it so turned him on. He reached around and grabbed his pulsing cock again, causing a louder moan to escape from him. Craig wasn't far from release now, and increasing his speed in both stroking and fucking, John Paul heard him gasping and saw his hands bang against the wall with pure lust. "Yes," Craig said. "Oh my God, yes, yes."

John Paul felt the sweat soaking though his shirt. Craig needed to come now, or else he would come first and that just wasn't an option this time.

He threw in a couple of heavy thrusts and then they both came at the exact same time, panting and saying each other's names over and over again.

"I'm sorry, John Paul," Craig said, when their clothes were back on. John Paul felt the tears burning the inside of his eyelids. He was exhausted both mentally and physically.

"It wasn't supposed to be like this," Craig continued, rubbing the back of his head. "I mean Sarah, she's-"

"Don't mention her name," John Paul interrupted. "Just say that you still love me."

Craig's eyes widened. "Of course I do! Of course! Don't you ever doubt that. John Paul, I love you." He reached to cup his face, but John Paul backed away. If Craig kissed him or looked at him one more time he would start to weep.

"I better go," John Paul mumbled and wanted to leave the room.

"What am I going to say when people ask why my best mate's not here?" Craig asked, grabbing his arm. It was quickly shaken off.

"I'm sure you'll think of something," John Paul said. "You're the liar."

"John Paul…"

"Leave me alone, Craig."

Luckily he managed to leave the flat and the Dog without anyone seeing him. He had barely stepped outside before the tears came, threatening to drown him.

The voice if the pilot telling them they had to buckle up awoke him from his daydream. It wasn't one of his happy moments, but John Paul was finished crying over it. Once again he had just accepted it, all though he hadn't seen Craig that much before him and Sarah left for Dublin. John Paul had come with some lousy excuses and he knew Craig knew why, hoping he felt guilty. They had met the night before his departure. Craig had cried in his arms and John Paul had once again forgiven him because he loved him so much. And he knew that Craig loved him as well, it was there in his eyes, every time they looked at one another. They had made love, intensely and passionate on John Paul's single bed. Then Craig had left and John Paul did not follow them to the airport the next day, even though he was begged. He had remained cold and distant when Craig contacted him during the following months. But this time, he couldn't stay away anymore. Even though his heart still ached and Craig's fiancé would be right there next to them, he had to see the man he loved.

Sighing, John Paul fastened his safety belt as the plain got ready for landing.