Note that this is bad. Like, really, really bad. So bad I'm actually kind of ashamed for posting it. But here it is anyway. Good luck, friend.
There is a house at the end of the world, surrounded by murky mud pits and silly sand dunes. The jubilant jungle is filled with everything from fabulous ferrets to miraculous monkeys, and the rumbling river is home to many brilliant bass and trivial trout. In this sallow shack live the artistic actors of the Kingdom Hearts franchise, battling for their lives as their friends shoot KH 3D with some cerulean cameramen and a disabled director.
ROFLMAOLOLJK, I TOTES GOT YUUUUUUU
But seriously, they all live together in a house in a place that will not be disclosed for fear of major fangirling (side effects include glomping, drooling, shrieking, babbling, hair loss and loss of bladder control).
This has been a message from the National Parody Association of America. Remember, kids: Change only comes with lots of bad humor and unpunny funs.
Now we return to your regularly scheduled program.
"Roooxiiiiie~" Axel/Lea calls loudly, banging doors open in his search for his friend; on the way, he accidentally discovers Ventus and Vanitas having a Pokémon card battle("My Pikachu will cream your Metapod!" "Hah, you wish! METAPOD, USE HARDEN!" "Is Metapod a euphemism for penis?" "AXEL, GET OUT"), Riku admiring himself in the mirror, Naminé and Aqua in a deep discussion on magic or feelings or something equally girly and unimportant, and numerous other things that the author is too lazy to write out. (Shut up.) After a few days of searching, he finally opens the right door to find Roxas, Hayner, and Xion playing cards. "ROXIE!"
"Hi, Axel," Roxas greets lazily before turning to the blonde teenager next to him. "Hey Hayner, got any threes?"
"MOTHER – "
" – and Uni the unicorn said, 'Come on, Bun the Bunny, let's go find the magical apple of friendship!'"
The entire room turns to stare at Xion, who gives them an unemotional shrug. "What? Kingdom Hearts is supposed to be a kid-friendly franchise."
"O…kay…" Axel says slowly before flopping down dramatically next to his best friend. "Roxie, I'm bored! Entertain me."
"Axel, this is kind of an important game for me. I can't just drop everything to help you now."
Axel gives him a weird look. "What could possibly be so important in a Go Fish game?"
"He bet his first unborn child," Hayner offers.
"And his next paycheck," Xion adds.
"And his new bicycle – "
"And his first house – "
"And his next girlfriend – "
"And all of his hair gel."
Axel gives him a look of pure horror. "You would bet off your hair gel? That's terrifying! I wanna play!"
Roxas groans as Hayner gives Axel some cards, and Xion gives Roxas a friendly pat on the back. "At least it isn't Luxord," she says sympathetically, to which he groan and buries his head in his hands.
After Roxas loses spectacularly and Hayner and Axel have an epic battle on who'll get his next girlfriend, the redhead is back to his previous state of 'bored-as-hell'. "Roooooxiiiiiie," he whines, looking up. He blinks in confusion at what he sees.
"My hair gel…" the teen is whispering, fisting his hair and rocking back and forth with a crazed look in his eyes. "My hair gel…gone…I'm going to…" he throws back his head and laughs crazily. "WORLD DOMINATION. WORLD DOMINATION IS MINE…AND WHEN I RULE THE WORLD, I WILL HAVE ALL THE HAIR GEL MONEY CAN BUY! AND IT WILL ALL BE FREE! MINE, ALL MINE!"
When he is at least ten miles away from Roxas (it's a very big house), Axel is still at a loss for what to do. Larxene scares him, Vexen's still ticked about being killed (even if it was only acting), there's a 50/50 chance Marluxia'll rape him, and Luxord'll either talk him into strip poker or get him drunk and then talk him into strip poker. After a few moments of watching a flea fly across the hallway, he finally decides to go bother Demyx, who's probably out by the river.
"Myde, I swear to *Uni the Unicorn*ing god, if you don't do it right now –"
"I'm trying, okay? It's not exactly easy with your face at that angle!"
"Well, stop trying and start doing! I can always move my face if you ask, you know."
"Jeez, Ienzo, stop being such a whiner!"
Axel freezes behind a bush. Are they kissing or something?
When he turns to look, their faces are at such an angle that they could be kissing, and Axel ignores Zexion/Ienzo's hissed death threats and instead decides that they're kissing if he wants them to be kissing, god*apple of friendship*it!
In reality, their hair has been knotted together on accident, but who cares about reality?
Axel hums the Mission Impossible theme as loudly as possible as he 'stealthily' knocks over bushes and cusses at tree branches that have hit him in the face as he makes his way back to the house. He knows exactly what to do now.
After doing whatever that is, he decides to write a story about Zexion and Demyx.
His first decision: What should the rating be?
M. Oh mah gawd, gay sex is, like, the hottest things EVAH, a Zemyx fangirl fifty miles away thinks in excitement, waiting on the edge of her seat for the author to tell them what he's going to rate it. Of course, she already knows it's M because Axel is, like, totes into gay sex 'cause that's why he's done it with Roxas and Vexen and Marluxia and had a threesome with Demy and Zexy (because obviously Demyx and Zexion never have sex unless they're both involved).
But to be perfectly honest, this author is both very bored and very mean, so she's going to drag it out a little.
How, you ask?
…um…
OHLOOKYAOI
This should distract you for at least an hour and a half. If not, then I feel the need to tell you that you are sane and will never, ever make it in the real world. Ever. Not even in your next life. Wallow in shame and self-pity.
Welcome back, fangirl. I hope you had a nice hour and a half of searching. Now, back to Axel…
He finally decides to rate it T. Fangirls everywhere die of disappointment.
The page of titles, summaries, and warnings ends up looking something like this:
(If you're suffering through this in a desperate attempt to find a grain of actual, good comedy, then I suggest you skip this part. It's pretty boring. Even more so than everything else, if possible.)
Title: The Illusion of Water
Summary: Zexion loves Demyx and Demyx loves Zexion, so obviously Axel is playing matchmaker because Axel is supermegafoxyawesomehot. Zemyx, Axel/Everyone else
Warnings(having never written fanfiction before, he honestly has no idea what most these mean, so he just ends up marking them all): Yaoi, yuri, het, rape, underage, character death, lemon, lime, OCs, reader-insert, parody, angst, humor, romance, OOC, adventure, action, family, hurt/comfort, profanity, sex, sexual humor, vampires, werewolves, AU, magic, dragons, smosh, naked people, dead people, Twilight, Disney, Harry Potter, Hunger Games, Digimon, Death Note, Pokémon, CYOA
Pairings: Zemyx, Axel/Marluxia, Axel/Larxene, Axel/Xemnas, Axel/Roxas, Axel/Xion, Axel/Xigbar, Axel/Xaldin, Axel/Lexaeus, Axel/Luxord, Axel/Vexen, Axel/Sa
x, Axel/Cinderella, Axel/Ariel, Axel/Sora, Axel/Riku, Axel/Naminé, Axel/Ventus, Axel/Vanitas, Axel/Terra, Axel/Aqua, Axel/DiƵ, Axel/Kairi, Axel/Beast (There are more, but the author is lazy and the audience has the attention span of a gnat, so she's just going to go on now.)
And then came the story itself.
Oh. Dear. God.
Zexion was an emo. His hair, a silver…blue…platinum…thing, was long and hid one eye, and the other turquoise orb portrayed the deep sadness and angst he felt constantly om-nom-nomming at his soul. He cut himself daily and cried himself to sleep every night, and the only happiness he ever found was in his secret, forbidden love for the most popular, cheerful, dumbest boy in school, Demyx. Secret because he was an angst machine who kept everything secret, and forbidden because…um…because I want it to be!
Little did he know that Demyx, the immature, happy-go-lucky, cowardly popular boy who didn't even know what sex was, harbored a secret love for him as well. In fact, his love was so deep that every time the other boy so much as glanced his way, he fell off his chair in a deep swoon. The two were perfect for each other.
But nobody saw it except for Axel, the twos' mutual friend. He was an underwear model and the most handsome man in the world, with girls falling at his feet left and right; he held orgies every other Saturday and had pajama parties with his friends with Disney movies on the other weekends. He was very sensitive and kind and caring and hot, and it was due to these traits that he saw the obvious chemistry that nobody else could see between the two because everyone else was just stupid like that.
"ZEXION! I've set you up on a blind date!"
"While normally I would whine and complain about being forced into social interaction, you are a wonderful person so I trust your judgment," Zexion said seriously as he cut his wrists.
"DEMYX! I've set you up on a blind date!"
"WOOOOOOO, ROMANCE!" Demyx cheered.
The date went well and at the end of the night they went to Demyx's house and had hot sex while Axel held an orgie at his house.
THE END
Now he just has to find someone to read it and tell him how fabulous his writing is…and he knows just how to do it. He hooks a tub of hair gel to a random fishing rod, sets it in the hallway, and waits silently.
Sure enough, Roxas comes running within three minutes, hair disheveled and eyes completely crazed. Axel quickly reels the container into the room, Roxas stumbling over his own feet to get to it, and the redhead shuts and locks the door as his younger friend greedily does his hair. When the blonde-orange locks are done up stylishly, the teen breathes a sigh of relief before he turns to see his best friend watching him with a piece of paper and a maniacal look on his face.
He screams.
Axel screams.
A glass breaks.
The author puts duct tape over Roxas' mouth because the story plot has to go somewhere eventually…right?
"Hey, Roxie," Axel greets, ignoring his best friend's panicked face. "Listen, I want you to read something and tell me how awesome my writing is. Here. Read. Then tell." He shoves the paper under his friend's nose, and when the author is sure he's going to be shut up, she takes off the duct tape; the blonde's eyes fly across the paper.
"…it's terrible," the teen finally remarks, looking up cautiously, wary of Axel's reaction.
Axel pauses to stare at him, lower lip trembling and eyes glinting of unshed tears, before he bursts into bawls. "NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME," he sobs, turning around and running through the wall straight to the hallway, dropping the paper behind him. As soon as it touches the ground, it curls into flames, because the author doesn't think anything that horrid deserves to exist permanently.
Or if you want to go with the non-plothole'd version, it's because Axel's emotions were so great it caused it to burst into flame.
I like my version better.
"Must be that time of the month," Roxas shrugs before walking off. Then, three hours later, he looks up and yells impatiently at the sky, "YOU CAN END THE STORY NOW."
And the author ends the story.
…don't even talk to me about how bad that humor was. I'm sure the bad writing will plague you with nightmares for years.
It was my birthday. I was in a weird mood. Shut up.
Reviews please~