HEART AND HOPE
"I didn't often have a crisis of conscience, at least not before I went to Torchwood. The only time, was when I was 15 and I paid for my stupid mistake with a jail sentence. Trouble was the worse thing about that was my Tad's disappointment. I did good after that, worked hard to make him proud of me, to make Mam proud of me too. I was probably the only student at university who actually studied and I mean that, every night I sat up in my dorm pouring over my books until my head hurt. This was not because I wanted to either, but because I had to. I never wanted to let my parents down again. They gave me an idyllic childhood. I grew up surrounded in love and security and the knowledge that no one would ever hurt me. I felt safe to grow and to learn and I remember how hard my Mam and Tad worked to get the things that me and my sister needed. I had good friends too, a future and above all I had optimism and faith. I don't mean faith in God either, I mean faith in myself and humanity in general. I believed that all people were inherently good and it was only a mistake when they were bad, like my mistake had been. We learn from our mistakes, don't we? We try not to repeat them.
I'm not used to failing. I always tried so hard with everything that I did, put my soul into my work, my life and my love. Mam always told me that love is something you give your all too, body, heart and soul. Love never fails to hold true and over comes the hardest of trials. I grew up believing this. I lived knowing that when I found that special person, I'd be with them for the rest of my life.
I thought that person was Lisa and I realise now that it couldn't be, because I failed her, she died because I wasn't there to protect her. What kind of a man does that make me? I understand now that my attempts to save what I convinced myself was Lisa were not about saving her, but saving myself. I made myself believe that that shell was her and even though all of her beauty was gone I still tried because I was in crisis. My sanity has been in tatters since that day.... I can't even bring myself to say it's name.... that day when my friends and my love burned and died.
I need closure, I need forgiveness. I do not deserve those things because I put lives at risk and two people died for my..... for my sin. How do I make up for that? How do I ever look into my Mam's eyes and see her love for me without this shame? I need your anger and hatred and I need your punishment and I know you will not give it. Please do not forgive me Jack; that is something I am not entitled to.
This is not a suicide note you understand. Suicide would be too easy, too kind and I do not believe in the everlasting. I just need you to understand that I have to pay for what I have done so feel free to throw it at me any which way you can.
I am thinking you should have shot me when you had me on my knees and your gun to my face. You are not the monster Jack, I am. I know you had to do what you did to protect people. That's what we do, after all. I let you down and somehow that hurts me as much as it did when I failed my Tad all those years ago. I see hope in you, the chance to do things right, correct all the mistakes of Torchwood One..... I wish I was worthy enough of that.
If it is worth anything at all. I am sorry for all those times you looked upon me with genuine affection. I am sorry for every lie and I am sorry that I betrayed you, Owen, Suzie, Toshiko and Gwen. It will never happen again. I don't expect you to ever trust me again. I wouldn't blame you if you didn't. I have nothing to set in order should you choose to Retcon or execute me, relevant documents attached.
All I ask is that you make me pay.
With Regret
Ianto Jones."
Jack lowered the paper down and spread it out over his desk, pressing out the creases with the palm of his hand. He had found the note that morning, shoved under the door of the tourist office after he had come from..... he wasn't even sure he could remember, she hadn't been especially memorable. He sighed unhappily and glanced out of his office window down onto the Hub. Owen, Tosh and Gwen were still cleaning away the mess from Lisa's rampage. Owen was stitching the wing of a sedated Myfanwy and Gwen and Tosh putting the computers and desks back in order. His overwhelming anger of the previous day had all but vanished and all that remained was a bitter after taste that lingered at the back of his throat the word failure doing a thorough tour of his thoughts. Failure to look and see; failure to just pay attention and make the effort to get to know what the hell was going on under his own roof. His jealousy had been an unwelcome surprise, and it still hung there in his gut. He had no claim on Ianto, they had never kissed or fucked and their touches though teasing and arousing had never held any promise beyond a brief titillation. Jack had just assumed that Ianto was his, in every way and that sooner or later the young man would succumb to the inevitable, on his back in his bunk or over his desk, he wasn't fussed on the details. The boy had been a challenge and that should have been warning enough.
Jack scrubbed his hand over his face knowing full well that he would not punish his youngest colleague for something, given a choice, he most likely would have done himself were their situations reversed. How could you punish someone for loving? Ianto would do just fine all by himself without any help from Jack. The boy was already forgiven, but Jack realised rather sadly that that was probably the worst punishment of all, understanding and forgiveness. He did not relish the prospect of having to hide those things. Ianto would need to forgive himself before he was ready to accept it from anyone else. It would be a long time in coming..... maybe never at all. Self loathing was something that he knew all about, he carried it in the same way he wore his greatcoat, it became a part of his armour, vented through his recklessness and casual sexual relationships.
There was nothing casual about Ianto Jones.
Jack read the letter a second time trying to absorb every nuance into his skin, hoping by some small miracle that it would help seep away some of the young man's pain. It was a fantasy, of course. Pain had a habit of cloaking people and Ianto was positively wearing it like a second skin right now. Finally he folded the letter up and placed it in the bottom draw of his desk along with a few of his personal demons. He closed and locked the draw, pocketing the key. With another sigh he rose from his chair and donned his coat and went out into the Hub to face his team. He spoke from the gantry above them, noting the openness of their upturned faces.
"I'm going to check in on Ianto."
It was Gwen who responded first. "Do you want one of us to come with you?"
Jack shook his head. "No. I've made the decision to suspend him for one month in order to give him some time to sort himself out. If any of you have a problem with my decision I do not want to hear it."
What happened next surprised him enormously and made him realise just how little he knew his team.
"Jack I want to give him a medical, we'll need to keep an eye on him." Owen said.
Jack nodded. "I'll tell him to expect you at his flat later today."
"Jack?"
"Yes Tosh."
"Give him my love and please tell him that I am sorry about Lisa."
Gwen and Owen were both nodding in agreement.
Jack felt a surge of warmth he hadn't experienced in many long years. He smiled down at them.
"I'll tell him."
With that he turned and walked away in the direction of the underground garage, the tiniest amount of hope in his heart.
FINIS