Disclaimer: I don't own GW. If I did, then I wouldn't be writing fanfics about it!!! ~.~;; I also don't own Untouchable Face, which is done by Ani Difranco (a great independent artist! I recommend her to everyone).
Author's note: This is my first songfic!!! *gasp* *scream in the background* I hope it'll be okay…. ~.~;; WARNING: THIS IS ANGSTY!!!!!
Untouchable Face
*…think i'm going for a walk now
I feel a little unsteady
I don't want no one to follow me
except maybe you…*
"Dorothy!" he called to me. Damn it. Why did he always have to say my name like that? So captivating, I hate him…
I turned my icy blue eyes on him with my piercing glare. Unfortunately for me, it didn't do anything. He saw right through it. Quatre could always see through my facade.
"I'm going for a walk." I said icily. I didn't want to look at him. I turned my eyes back to the door.
"It's dark out, I'll go with you…" Quatre said as he grabbed his coat. He wasn't offering. He gave up on offering to me a while ago. He was able to skip past my barriers before he released his kindness.
"I don't care!" I shot back, a little harsher than I intended. I did care though, much more than I would ever let *him* know. True, my cruelty is part of my nature, but I enhance it when I'm around him, in order to keep up my barrier to protect myself. Too bad it never works.
He'd always walk me everywhere, being the gentleman that he is. I'm not the right woman he should be offering his polite actions to. I'm a war orphan, and a real heinous bitch, which suits me just fine. I don't understand why he always pays his pretty boy attention to me.
I walked silently down the sidewalk, as he kept my hand on his arm as he walked me. I always caught him stealing glances at me out of the corner of my eye, so I could never look at him. I don't know why he insisted on acting like he cared. I knew he didn't. He had her, after all.
* …I could make you happy, you know
if you weren't already
I could do a lot of things
and I do…*
Sunlight poured onto my lap and the book I was reading, and the birds chirped outside. I sighed in disgust. It was a peaceful day. Peace. I've always hated peace. I've never had peace within myself, so why should everyone else have it? Besides, who needs peace? Once we die, then we can have our peace forever. Why should we waste our lives on such dull things? Peace has never given me the thrill that fighting does.
I looked out at the sunlight filtering through the trees. It is all such a paradox. I looked down at the backyard and saw Quatre sitting with her. Relena. They were laughing. He was happy. I couldn't give him that happiness. I lived in a mind and world of destruction. I could never adjust to his peace, and he has finally turned his back on war.
The picture of seeing him with her… it hurt. It was pain I've never felt before, and I've had my share of pain. No. This came from within. This devoured me every day I saw him, every day he smiled at me. I can't have him, and I hate myself for wanting him. How did you make me so incredibly weak, Quatre?? I had always convinced myself that such a thing as love didn't exist. Nope, no such thing as love. Still, why do I think of him every chance I get? Why do I smile to myself when I think of all of the times he's bypassed my walls? I always felt naked around him, and at times I didn't mind. It felt right. He had given me hope through his kindness but that was shot, stamped on, and killed when Miss Pacifist came across.
I hate Relena. I hate her with all of the passion that I have for Quatre, and coming from a woman with no heart, that is definitely saying something. I had never questioned my worth before, whereas I had always believed I had none, so there was nothing to worry about. Quatre made me feel more human than I thought was possible for myself, and he made me search for the light within myself so I could show it to him proudly. Then Relena came, with everything to offer, casting my pitiful ember off to the side where it burned out into the darkness of her shadow. Her brilliance shined, as brightly as sunlight reflecting off of a mirror that I stood behind. He'd never see me again, never like I had wanted him to.
But what the hell can I do? I have no control over people's choices or their lives. I can't even control my own. For the first time, the one thing I want the most is the one thing I simply cannot have and will never come close to touching.
*…tell you the truth I prefer the worst of you
too bad you had to have a better half
she's not really my type
but I think you two are forever
and I hate to say it but you're perfect together…*
"Relena and I are going to get married," Quatre announced to me, looking at me with those big eyes of his.
My chest tightened, and my eyes started to feel funny. Was I about to cry? No. Impossible. I don't have the heart to cry. But then again… where is this unbearable pain coming from? Kill it.
"I'm happy for you." I said flatly, as I set down my cup, lest Quatre see it shaking in my hands. I wasn't really happy for him. I am a selfish woman, there's not denying that fact. Though I knew I wouldn't win him over Relena, the reality still hurt once he slapped me with those harsh words. Didn't he realize?? Didn't he care?? Of course not. I never let him know, and I had wanted to keep it that way. I still do. He'll never know, especially not now.
I knew it would work out for him, and so I know it won't work out for me. They both loved peace, they both loved each other. More than I can say for my relationship with Quatre. Imagine… the darkness in love with the light. What great almighty power decided to fill my life with cruel irony? I hope God is having a great laugh at this, if there even is a God.
I couldn't speak to Quatre any further than that, even though he peered at me with his concerned eyes. Was he figuring it out? My finger twitched, as I wanted to reach out and touch him, tell him to stop his engagement and to spill my entire being out onto the table that separated us. I had to leave, before it was too late.
"Excuse me, Winner, there are things I need to do today. Congratulations." I mumbled icily. I immediately left the room, swallowing the pain in my chest and clenching my fists to contain my anger. I could feel his eyes on my back, and I nearly shrunk in my pathetic weakness. Give me a break. What the hell was I going to say??
*…so fuck you
and your untouchable face
fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am I
that I should be vying for your touch
who am I
bet you can't even tell me that much…*
I packed my bags quickly. I had no need to stay here. I am merely imposing. Besides. I hate it here now. I can't live with him. I can't look at him. Not even from a distance. I can't let him see me cry. I can't let him know that I'm human… because of him. I hate you Quatre. I hate the person you've made me… I am not Dorothy Catalonia anymore! I was once a strong and resilient woman! My strength and determination rivaled many well-grown men! I could fight, I could kill, I could persuade easily…
But I can't persuade you to care about me, and I can't persuade myself to stop caring about you. I know you'll never leave me alone as long as I'm around you. I'm not going to stay here. I know I won't be able to keep my mouth shut. I'll erupt soon, and I'd better leave before then. I won't be your obstacle to your happiness. I will accept it, and I will leave. Damn it, why do you make me care?! I hate you!! I should have truly killed you when I had the chance!!!
I crept down the dark stairway, careful to avoid the steps that creak under pressure. I was able to sneak out of the door, unnoticed. I placed my suitcase in the passenger's seat, and quietly started to push the car to a safe distance where it wouldn't wake him when I started it. I glanced up at the second story window that was his room and I saw the flicker of candle light on the wall. I blinked back tears, and threw away the vision of Relena and Quatre together right now, at this very moment. This very pain reminded me of the very reason of why I was leaving. Yes, I would miss him. But I wouldn't miss the pain. God, I will be free! I will be able to stop caring. I could start over and forget him. I'll leave this place, and leave the memory of Quatre Raberba Winner as well.
*…2:30 in the morning
my gas tank will be empty soon
neon sign on the horizon
rubbing elbows with the moon
safe haven of the sleepless
where the deep fryer's always on
radio is counting down the top 20 country songs…*
My eyes stared at the highway road. How long had I been driving? I don't know… The radio played music, music I hated. I changed focus from the words of the songs to the words of my thoughts. Damn it, Quatre!!! You're still here!!!! I'm miles away now, and you still won't leave me alone. I'll never be rid of you. I can't sleep, because I'll dream of you. I can't swim in a desire that won't ever be real.
I focused on the words of the song again, and listened to guitar that followed the words that spoke my pain. I turned up the volume, drowning out the voices in my head.
My eyes began to fill with tears, and I let them fall silently. I didn't care. He wasn't here to see. That's all that mattered. I wasn't going to lie to myself. I was going to face the problem and fix it. But for now, I cried with all of the humanity that I had.
I didn't know I had so much.
*… out on the porch the fly strip is
waving like a flag in the wind
you know I really don't look forward
to seeing you again soon
you look like a photograph of yourself
taken from far, far away
I won't know what to do
I won't know what to say…*
My cell phone rang, and I picked it up off of the table I was sitting next to. I didn't think of who it may be, and I regretted answering it.
"Dorothy!" Quatre yelled over the phone. I pulled it away to hang up on him, but I heard him shout, "Where are you?! Are you alright? You left without letting me know!"
My emotion drained out of me. I'm so tired… I only wanted to sleep and dreamless sleep and not have my depression and foolhardiness suck the life out of me. He took away every urge in me, every drop of strength.
"I won't stay with you anymore." I replied simply. "Leave me alone, Quatre." It hurt me to say that to him.
"Let me see you." Quatre pleaded. What was he doing??
"Shit! Stop it." I said through clenched teeth. "I'll hang up."
"Let me see you to say goodbye." Quatre said. "I can't let you leave without saying goodbye. I may not see you for a while. Please, Dorothy. You're my friend."
I knew I was going to give myself a brutal mental beating for this one.
What could I say…?
*…except fuck you
and your untouchable face
fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am I
that I should be vying for your touch
who am I
bet you can't even tell me that much…*
I got into my car again, cursing myself the entire time. I tried reason: It will be the last time you will see him. It calmed me. I still had the urge to bring my gun to just shoot him in my anger. Who the hell was I fooling?
What was he going to say? What would I say? Now would be my chance. Maybe if I told him the truth, then he would stay away from me. It's what I want, right? He would hate me. Would he? I don't know. I don't ever want Quatre to hate me. I turned the car around to leave the place that we were going to meet. I couldn't do this. I left for a reason, right?
His voice echoed in my head. 'Let me see you to say goodbye.' Damn it! I turned the damn vehicle back around, changing my mind (yet again). Fine, Quatre. Whatever you want. But this'll be the last time. That's the only reason why. I set my chin firmly, determined not to let myself show. Now was the moment of truth. How strong can I really be??
*…see you and I'm so perplexed
what was I thinking
what will I think of next
where can I hide
in the back room there's a lamp
that hangs over the pool table
and when the fan is on it swings
gently side to side
there's a changing constellation
of balls as we are playing
I see Orion and say nothing
the only thing I can think of saying…
is fuck you...
And your untouchable face
Fuck you
For existing the first place
Who am I?
That I should be vying for your touch
Who am I
I bet you can't even tell me that much…*
I peered at him over the table, as a million mixed words ran through my head that I wanted to sprout to him. I still would never tell him. Never.
"Why did you leave?" Quatre asked me.
My chance. I could if I wanted to….
"I need to be out on my own." I said simply. I kept my eyes on the carvings on the table.
….but I won't.
"I understand." Quatre said, his voice full of sudden insight.
I clenched my fist. "No you don't."
He reached his hand over and placed it over mine. "Yes, I do." I looked up at him with such death in my eyes, that I very nearly saw him flinch. I pulled my hand away from his touch. His touch that was like fire to the skin. He's not suppose to touch me, I'm not suppose to touch him. That's how it is now. He was breaking my taboo.
"Quatre…." I started. How could I possibly sum up what to say to him? "Just… damn it. Fuck you. Leave me alone, don't touch me. If you really understand, then leave me alone."
*…who am I?
I bet you can't even tell me that much
Who am I?
Somebody just tell me that much
Who am I?
Somebody just tell me that much…*