They're not mine. I can only wish they were!
"Mrs. Lyman should be in here momentarily, as I'm sure you can understand she was extremely upset when I caught her in the hallway. I have to apologize- I wasn't aware that she hadn't been filled in on Josh's condition and was quite shaken. She's freshening up in the restroom with one of my nurses."
The senior staff nodded their heads, somewhat confused. The waiting room was eerily still and we are all trying to process what exactly had happened to us this evening. One minute we were leaving the Newseum and the next minute it was chaos. I honestly don't even know all of what happened between those shots ringing out and now- and here I stand in the waiting room at GW, begging for any information we can get but terrified of what we're about to hear.
It was Sam that spoke first, not directing the statement anywhere in particular. "I didn't even know that Josh's mother was in town," he'd stated plainly.
The chief of surgery, who had gone back to shuffling the papers in the blue folder he held and paying very little attention to anything else going on around him, flicked his eyes up at the small group of senior staff huddled in front of him. "Not Mrs. Lyman as in his mother, Mrs. Lyman as in his wife," he stated nonchalantly.
We all stopped as the doctor went back to what he was doing until he became aware of three sets of eyes staring intensely at him. I cocked my head to the side and squinted a bit, unsure of what he was saying. "His wife?"
The doctor furrowed his brow and nodded slowly. "Yes, his wife. She'll be over in just a second. I'll be back in an hour or so with another update on Josh's progress," he added, leaving us standing shell shocked in the waiting room.
"A WIFE," I asked incredulously, throwing my hands up in surprise at Sam and Toby.
"Perhaps there's a simple explanation," Sam responded. " A communication error of some sort."
Toby snorted, placing his hands into his pocket and looking away, but not saying anything.
We stood in silence for a moment when I saw the door to the ladies room swing open in my peripheral vision. "Oh," I sighed in what was almost relief, "It's just Donna. He was talking about Donna."
Toby and Sam's heads glanced over as Donna approached us, looking admittedly worse for wear.
Toby shoved his hands into his pockets, looking intently at the pattern in the waiting room carpeting while Sam let out a long slow breath. She opened the door and stepped towards us, her eyes wide and frightened. I could tell she had been sobbing and her red, puffy skin did little to distract from the fear written on her face.
I looked at her, locking eyes with her as I realized I was suddenly at a loss for words. Everything had happened so quickly but now, I was stunned. I reached automatically for the necklace that was no longer around my neck as she diverted her eyes, her chin beginning to quiver.
We stood there only for a moment when Leo came through the door. It was the first we'd seen of him all night as he'd barely left the President's side. Always cool and collected, Leo held himself together well, barking directions when needed and calmly leading his troops, even in times of crisis. Tonight, however, if you looked close enough, you could see the frantic look in his eyes.
"Donna, sweetheart," he said softly as he put his arms around her, pulling her close. She immediately broke into sobs once again. He held her for a few moments and made eye contact with us one by one. It was clear that there was more to this story.
"Sam, Toby, CJ," he questioned. "You guys all okay?"
The boys answered with short "yeah," and "I am," but their voices did little to convince anyone. I gave a small nod of my head, it was all I could muster.
"We need to get back to work," he began to command, moving a still teary Donna to sit down in a waiting room chair as Sam, Toby and I attempted to get into our professional mindsets and await Leo's further instruction.
I had tried all evening to block out what was really going on. It was chaos and I was still stunned. I had a job to do though, and I needed to keep myself separated from the situation as much as possible so I didn't break down in the briefing. This, I decided, was the exception. Donna is my friend, and we'd grown so close over the years, especially on the campaign. The rigors of living out of shared hotel rooms and sleeping on buses surrounded by our male counterparts had quickly formed a strong bond between she and I, and it was clear that my friend needed comfort. A reassuring word. She seemed to be taking her boss' condition exceptionally hard- though it was no real surprise to any of us. Everyone in the West Wing knew that Josh and Donna had something special. Sam called it subtext. I called it a PR nightmare waiting to happen. But no matter how you refer to it, its clear that she is alone and terrified at this moment.
"Donna," I began, unsure of what to say that could possibly comfort her based on the information that we had been given on Josh's condition to date. It didn't look good, but I had to come up with something.
She glanced up to meet my eyes, looking possibly more frightened than I've ever seen another human, while still maintaining a certain determination. As if she could just will this all away and Josh would come bounding back in here screaming about a Republican controlled Congress at any minute. She pulled her hands out of the pocket of her jacket to wipe her eyes and as she did so, something caught my eye. Something that made me do a double take, my train of thought completely derailing.
"Donna," I began again, a vastly different tone to my voice, "Let me see your hand. Why are you wearing a wedding ring?"
I vaguely heard familiar voices, but I couldn't make out what was being said around me. The fluorescent lights of the hospital and the feeling of my entire world crashing around me made it hard to focus on anything. Eventually CJ's voice found me and I attempted to somewhat pull it together. I looked up at her and attempted to wipe my eyes.
"Donna," she asked "Why are you wearing a wedding ring?"
I froze. My ring. It was still on my hand. Josh and I were so careful to only wear them at home, slipping them safely away from prying eyes any time we left the house. But when I got the call tonight I wasn't thinking clearly. I just got in Josh's car- our car- and got here as quickly as possible. And all along I thought that the nightmare was that the President had been shot.
I tried to come up with an answer. Something to misdirect her- to defer the conversation, but I was at a loss. Fortunately for me Leo was at the ready. She gently picked up my hand, inspecting the simple gold band on my ring finger and then staring at me.
"CJ, Sam, Toby," lets chat outside please he interjected as the 3 senior staffers quietly exited the waiting room, all with curious looks on their faces.
He bent over and placed his hand reassuringly on my shoulder, looking me over. "You okay, kid?"
I gave him a tiny nod, unsure where I had mustered the strength for even that much movement.
"You've got to take care of yourself right now. Abby's going to sit with you for a minute while we figure out a few more things, alright? We need to call his mother- do you want me to take care of that?"
"I- I-" I was unable to form a coherent sentence. Or a coherent thought.
"We'll call her together," he patted my shoulder. "I'll be right back." With that he joined the senior staff in the hall and the First Lady slid into the chair next to me, taking my hand.
I cleared my throat, knowing that the best thing I could do for Josh right now was to stick to protocol. "Hello, Ma'am. How's the President doing? Is he okay?" My concern was genuine. Not only was he the leader of the free world but I personally knew that he was an amazing man.
"The President is going to be fine," she reassured me.
"Oh, thank God. Thank God," I gave her a small yet sincere half smile. "I should ask- Is there anything that I should be doing- You know that Josh's office should be doing?"
She cut me off, patting my hand. "Donna, I'm sure it's covered. Don't worry about it. Now, I want you to know that I'm here for you if you need anything. If you have any questions or-"
"Can I see him," I squeaked out.
"Oh, honey," Dr. Bartlet turned to face me. "I'm not sure if that's a good idea."
"Please," I halfway begged. "I hate the thought of him being so- alone." I sniffed and wiped away the tears spilling over onto my cheeks.
She nodded her head, a look of understanding in her eyes. "In a bit. Let's talk to Leo for a few minutes. Do you want to splash some water on your face?"
I knew she was trying to take care of me, and I was appreciative but all I wanted was to see Josh. I needed to get to him. To have that connection. I didn't want to eat something, or get some rest or splash cold water on my face- I wanted to cry and scream and throw up. I wanted him to walk in here and wrap me in his strong arms and tell me this was just a big misunderstanding.
She took my silence as a no, and we sat together in the still of the now empty waiting room. I felt someone watching me and I saw CJ staring at me through the glass while Leo talked. I'm sure she would have a list of questions for us when this was all over. They'd want to know why we didn't tell them, why we did it and how they were supposed to handle this PR mess with no warning, but I don't care right now. I don't care about the optics, I care about Josh. I care about my husband making it through the night.
Sam and Toby eventually made their way down the hall but CJ didn't move. Leo continued to stand right outside the door, his back to me, as he pulled out a cell phone to place a call. I could immediately tell from his body language that Anna Lyman was on the other end of the line. Leo's shoulder's slumped as he bowed his head somewhat, delivering the news. I watched him closely as he turned around and looked at me, continuing to answer questions. He opened the door and slowly walked over.
"She wants to talk to you for a minute," he told me softly, handing me his phone. "I'll give you two some privacy. I'm going to check on the President."
I nodded my consent, bringing the phone up to my ear. I was unable to come up with anything to say. I didn't know where to begin- how could I even tap the surface?
"Donna? Donna, honey, are you there?" Her voice came over the line, coaxing me.
Eventually a shaking breath left my body, but I was still unable to form words.
"Deep breaths," she coached me from the other end of the line. "You're so strong, Donna. You're going to get through this. We're going to get him through this."
That's when I lost it again. I was crying- and I don't mean a few glistening tears. The ugly, deep seeded, soul crushing, all out sobbing. Hearing her voice, her words, it made it so real again. I'd already thrown up once this evening and I felt like I would be sick again. Sick because of this nightmare.
"Donna, listen to me," she tried again. "I'm on the way. I'll be there as soon as I can, okay? But he's going to need you, just like he always does. And I'm going to need you to take care of him, okay?"
More sobs. I nodded my head. "Yes," I eventually squeaked out, though I'm not sure it was understandable. I bent over, placing my head in my hands.
I'm not sure how long CJ had been standing there. I only realized she'd entered the room when she knelt in front of me, placing a reassuring hand on my arm and gently taking the phone from its spot next to my ear.
"Mrs. Lyman? This is C.J. Cregg. I'm here with Donna and she's just going to get freshened up a bit, so I'm going to put Dr. Bartlet on the phone. She can give you some more detailed information. If anything changes I will personally get into contact with you and if have any questions you can call Leo back at this number, okay? Okay."
I assume Dr. Bartlet took the phone, but I still wasn't paying attention. I felt C.J. wrap me in a hug and hand me a few tissues. She took the cap off of a bottle of water she'd been holding and handled it to me. I was grateful.
Once I'd regained a little bit of composure I knew I needed to talk to her. "C.J. I think I need to explain-"
She shook her head no. "Leo talked to us. And yes I have a lot of questions but now is not the time. "
I nodded my head in solemn understanding, so abundantly grateful for her friendship.
"But Donna," she began again. "I'm so happy you two found your way to each other."
Eventually they let me see him. In reality I'd probably only been at the hospital an hour or so, but it felt like an eternity to me. I stood at the glass, watching the team of surgeons work in earnest to save his life. I could see very little. His body was mostly covered and he was all but surrounded by doctors and nurses, but I could still manage to catch a glimpse of him every now and then. And I held on to that. It was all I had. So I stood there, in my silent vigil, and willed him to survive with everything I had. When the anesthesiologist would shift a bit, I'd catch a glimpse of his face. It was pale and somewhat grey, but I could see his stubble beginning to peek through. I tried to ignore the tubes and wires, the surgical dressings and the copious amounts of machines attached to him, but it was difficult. Eventually someone obscured my view of his face, so I continued to stand there, eyes transfixed on his hand, the only portion of Josh that I could see.
The room is bright, and unnervingly cold, but what strikes me most is how still he is. Josh is a man in constant motion, but now, right in front of me, he lay completely at rest. And that's what is the most terrifying.
I continued to focus on his hand. That hand that shuffled through paperwork all day, that slammed on his desk in an effort to maintain the attention of a wayward Congressman, the hand that wore a wedding ring on its 4th finger when we were alone in our apartment at night, the hand that rested protectively on the tiny bump of life in my abdomen when Josh slept at night.
My own hands found their way reflexively to my necklace, a small diamond on an unsuspecting chain, and my fingers rubbed it as I continued my watch.
He'd given me the diamond when he'd asked me to marry him on New Year's Day. One day, he told me, when this was all out in the open and we could be, well, a couple, he would have it set into a ring that matched my wedding band. Well Josh, I guess it's all out in the open now.
We knew it was coming. Actually, we'd planned to make the announcement on our own terms this Friday. Before all of this. Before the Newseum, and guns, and hospitals and my worst fears coming to light, we'd planned to announce it all. We'd invited the senior staff over for dinner on Friday. They were planning on a casual evening at Josh's house, but we had other ideas.
We'd tell them that somewhere along the way we'd fallen in love. That we'd been married in a private ceremony before inauguration and that we'd been living in bliss at Josh's condo since. We'd tell them that the President and Leo knew before Leo hired me, and that we made sure all of my performance reviews were completed by the Chief of Staff himself. And we'd tell them there was something else they should know too. But that is a bit of information I'll continue to keep to myself for the moment.
It's been a rough couple days but we're getting back on track. Josh is recovering but he's still pretty out of it. He came out of surgery as well as could be expected but this is still going to be a long road. He's not fully coherent yet, but he has lucid moments. He knows I'm here, he knows his mother is in town and he knows what's happened. He found the strength to squeeze my hand that first day and our fingers have been laced together at his side every since. I've gotten up only when I've needed to and much to everyone's dismay I've refused to go home for the night. Leo, probably working in cahoots with Dr. Bartlet, brought in a cot for me.
Leo, it turns out, is in on our little secret. Josh filled him in about 6 week ago. I suppose its fitting. Leo was the first one to know about our marriage and Josh looks up to him as a father figure, not just a boss. And in light of the current situation I'm glad he told him. I am. Leo's been beyond accommodating.
"Knock, knock."
"C.J.!" I'm legitimately glad to see a friendly face. It's been a parade of doctors and nurses around here and guest access has been extremely limited since the President is here. Not that I'd want Josh to have visitors but still- it's really just been his mother and I. The Bartlets have all been by and the senior staff has checked in once, but they've all been running around trying to handle the fallout from this. Understandably.
She holds up a paper sack and gives me a half a smile. "Thought maybe you two could use a little company and a late dinner."
I stand to hug her, letting go of Josh's hand and feeling him stir immediately at the loss of contact. I greeted her and immediately returned to my prior spot at his side.
"Leo's on his way over too. The President is back in the residence so I thought maybe we could spend a few minutes together? He's going to sit with him," she nodded to Josh, "and I saw a table in the courtyard where we can eat."
"Oh," I found myself nervous at the prospect of him being out of my line of sight. "I'm not sure…"
"Donna," her voice remained friendly but firm. "You need some fresh air. I'm not asking you to leave the hospital, just step outside for a moment."
"I won't let anything happen to him, kid," Leo walked in, his timing always impeccable.
I bit my lip and shifted my weight to my other foot. I'd like to fight them but I know when I've met my match. He'd just taken some more medication and should sleep for a while anyway.
I nodded my consent and leaned over to a snoozing Josh, whispering softly into his ear. "I'm going to step outside for a bit, okay? I'm not leaving though, just getting something to eat. I'll be back in here as soon as I can, and if you need something I'm only a moment away, on the first floor. And Leo's here. I love you, Joshua," I added, kissing the side of his mouth and smoothing his wild hair down just a bit before collecting myself and turning back to C.J. I gave her a half smile as she looked on in amusement. "Well, I guess we have plenty to talk about over dinner," I mused.
"Yeah," she laughed. "I guess we do."
CJ and I made small talk on our way out to the courtyard, claiming a small picnic table in a secluded location. She handed me a cup of soup and a sandwich and settled in.
I stirred the broth around in my small paper container of chicken and rice, not feeling particularly hungry and trying to think of something to say. It had been quiet for a few minutes, and I decided that at this point it was best to quit avoiding the conversation and just go for it.
"Josh and I were married in a small private ceremony on the Sunday before inauguration," I spit out. "It just felt so right, and we never intended to keep it quiet for so long, but it's been one thing after another. We were planning to tell everyone on Friday- that's why we'd invited you guys over to dinner at Josh's place. Our place. We've been living together since, well, really since the election but officially living together since January. I technically report directly to Leo and HR has the same address for both of us and my legal last name is Lyman. Leo knows. The President knows. And while I'm apologetic this is all coming out now, in this way, and we didn't tell you before I have to say-" I looked up, making eye contact with her after the rousing oratory I'd just given to my soup. I stared at her, wanting to make my point clear. "C.J. I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry I married him. I'm not sorry we're together and I'm not sorry we're in love."
The right side of her mouth curled up a little. "Quite the speech, Donna. Toby better watch out- you're really gunning for his job."
I dropped my spoon on the table top and sat back a bit.
"Listen," she shifted in her seat. "I'm going to tell you once again the same thing I always say- I'm your first call. This could look- it could be so bad. So, so bad, for the administration. But idiot boy and I will hash that out when he's back to his fighting weight. Right now I'm not the Press Secretary. For just a moment I'm not going to sit here as senior advisor to the President. I'm your friend, Donna. Both of you. I see you two together and you have nothing to be sorry for. What the two of you have is- well its what everyone wishes they had. And if you can find a way to make it work, then as your friend I'm happy for you. But why not just tell us from the beginning? Maybe not the world at large but me, Sam and Toby?"
I sighed, not really having an answer. Josh and I had this argument on a regular basis.
"You know what- it doesn't matter right now," she continued, waving her hand and disregarding her own question. "We've got your back. Sam and Toby, mostly Sam, have their fair share of questions and concerns but right now none of it matters. All that matters is getting him better and doing whatever we can to help you in the process."
"Thank you, CJ," I let out a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding, getting teary again.
She stood up and walked over, giving me a hug and getting a little misty eyed herself. Once she finally sat back down she dug into dinner and for the first time in several days I found my appetite as well. Josh wasn't out of the woods yet but I felt some of my stress drift away as CJ and I had an impromptu girl talk session about my whirlwind romance with Josh. It's something I hadn't shared with anyone to date due to the secrecy of it all, and the happy memories really brightened my spirits.
I gathered my things and checked my watch, knowing I'd been gone for longer than I had originally intended. We disposed of our trash and began to walk back inside when C.J. stopped again.
"Why now? If you guys had kept this under wraps this long, why were you going to let the proverbial cat out of the bag on Friday," she questioned, tilting her head in anticipation of my response.
Might as well. It's as good a time as any, I thought.
"Oh," I smiled. "I'm pregnant."
CJ didn't say a word as we walked back to Josh's room. It was a rare occasion that the press secretary was speechless, but this was one of them.
Leo was right where we left him, sitting in a chair near Josh's bed working a crossword puzzle.
"How's he doing," I asked, feeling Josh's forehead for a fever he was still fighting off. He was still quite warm. I felt him stir a bit under my touch, and I kissed his forehead. He sleepily opened his eyes again.
"You're back," he muttered, his eyes fluttering open again. I could tell he was exhausted.
"Of course I am," I reassured him, leaning on the side of his bed, my fingers wrapping lightly around his curls. "I had dinner with C.J. She and I needed to have a little chat."
He looked up at me and then over at C.J.
"I told her," I whispered to him, confirming what I think he had already deduced. "Josh, I told her all of it." I couldn't stop the smile from spreading across my face.
He gave me a weak smirk, the first one I'd see in days and lifted his hand to my abdomen, lightly stroking my stomach with his thumb. "Love you," he told me softly.
He then redirected his attention to C.J., still standing in the doorway. "Protect them for me, Claudia Jean," he told her in a voice that was a few steps closer to his political operative persona. "I don't care what they say about me, but they don't get to say anything about my family."
"You've got it, mi amor," she agreed from the doorway. I knew with her reassurance that our privacy would continue to remain in tact as long as possible.
I sat down beside him on his bed, continuing to marvel at how hard he was fighting to recover and yet he was still concerned for me. I ran my fingers through his curls as he began to doze off again, and lightly held his hand. The familiar had that I'd mentally clung to on that awful night. A hand that, as I stare at it, shows no sign of any of the fresh hell that Josh has been through. It's going to be okay, I told myself. It's all going to be okay. And by Christmas we'll be a family of three and this will all be behind us. And nothing bad can happen at Christmas…
This is my first try so go easy on me :)
That being said- I'd love a beta for a few other idea's I'm trying to work on if anyone is interested! Thought I'd get the first one done as a trial before I move onto bigger things.