Soda World
It was time for a lunch break at Planet Express. Frye had his usual-a sandwich with Slurm Cola. But something was gnawing at him, and it wasn't the indigestion that Slurm gave him.
"What's the matter, Frye?" Leela asked.
"Yeah, you look like you lost your best friend in a poker game," Bender added.
Frye sighed. "I just miss my old cola, that's all."
"Well, Slurm is the only cola available on Earth now, but it comes in two hundred flavors." Leela began counting them. "Orange, chocolate, mashed potatoes…"
"Lighter fluid-my favorite," Bender chimed in.
"But it's not just the same!" Frye's eyes misted over. "Back in my day, we had the greatest cola in the world. It was called Kick Cola, and it would keep you awake for days."
"What's so great about that?" Leela asked. "Science has proven that humans need as much sleep as possible so they can do the jobs they've been assigned."
"Yeah, besides, they didn't even have anything for us robots back then. In fact, they barely had robots."
"Oh, you people don't know what you're missing! Kick Cola was like making love to a beautiful woman-or winning every question on Jeopardy. I just wish they still made it."
"Actually, they do," Dr. Zoidberg said. "But it's illegal. You can go to prison for even thinking about it, even."
Frye was startled by this. "Why?" he asked.
"In the mid twenty-first century, Kick Cola and others like it were banned because of their high caffeine levels," Leela explained. "I'm sorry, Frye, but all of the Kick Cola was shipped out into space centuries ago. Nobody even knows where it wound up."
"That's just not fair!" Frye exclaimed. "Just because something can kill you doesn't mean it should be illegal! What about suicide booths? They kill people!"
"Yeah, but that's only if you're a hopeless loser-like you were when I first met you," Bender said. "Come to think of it, you're still a loser. But I hang out with you-oh, my Robot God, I'm a loser, too!"
Frye ignored him. "Well, I think it stinks. Your future isn't any fun without Kick Cola." He took a drink from his Slurm can.
"Good news, everyone!" the Professor said as he entered the room. "We've got a new customer. It's an unknown planet in an uncharted region of space, but they're willing to pay top dollar for Mom's Alka-Seltzer Tablets. That means we all get a commission from Mom of one percent!"
"Whoo Hoo!" Bender shouted. "Now I'll finally be able to pay off those crooked cops and get my public indecency charges dropped!"
"How are we supposed to get to this planet if no one knows where it is?" Leela asked.
"We'll use the Smell-o-Scope," the Professor answered. He led them to the Scope's sniffer. "Since nobody's heard of this planet, it should have a unique odor that will instantly set it apart from the known worlds." He sniffed around, moving the Smell-o-Scope as he did so. "Ah, I think I've found something." The Professor frowned. "Hmm. That's odd. It has a strange fizzy smell that I haven't sensed in nearly two centuries. The last time I smelled something like this was when I went to the Stupid Ages Junk Food Museum."
"What does the planet look like?" Leela asked.
"See for yourself." The Professor let her look into the Scope's viewer. Leela's eye narrowed. "It looks like it's completely covered in dark, brown liquid. The data's coming in now…oh, my God! It's covered with Kick Cola!'
"Let me see! Let me see!" Frye rushed to the viewer. "Wow…Kick Cola. I say we go there at once!"
"Frye, I know how excited you must be, but we're going there to deliver something, not take it away," Leela reminded him.
"Ha! Maybe I might want to stay there once we get there!" Frye's eyes were wide with excitement. "Boy, imagine it…me, living on a world covered with Kick Cola! It would be paradise!"
Frye was still obsessing over Kick Cola as they approached the planet in the ship. "Are you serious?" Leela asked him. "Would you really want to stay behind and live here for the rest of your life?"
"Yeah, what're you gonna do?" Bender asked. "There isn't a strip club around for miles down there!"
"Ever since I woke up, I've been looking for one thing that was a solid connection to my own time," Frye said. "Can't you guys just be happy for me and let me rot my teeth out in peace and quiet?"
"I understand you wanting something familiar," Leela said. "I'll tell you what. If, after we deliver these tablets, you still want to stay here…I won't stop you. I just hope you realize the consequences of a decision like this."
"Yeah," Bender added. "Who am I gonna sponge off of when you're not around?"
"Thanks, guys. I'll give you my decision after we make this deal…but that'll be it. And no threat of torture, bribery, or selling my body parts on EBay is going to make me change my mind."
"I already sold one of your organs on EBay, remember?" Bender replied. "Aw…I'm gonna miss you, Frye. You're the best punching bag a lovable thug like me could have."
"Gee, thanks, Bender-I think."
"OK, we've entered orbit," Leela informed them. "I'm getting a transmission from the surface."
A large, orange-skinned alien appeared on the ship's main viewer. He was sitting in a vat of Kick Cola as he was being tended to by servants.
"You must be the ones who brought the pills that make us believe we ate the whole thing," he said. "I welcome you to Sodacan Four. I am Jolt-er The Fizz."
"Er, hello," Leela responded. "We are the representatives of Planet Express. We bring you greetings on behalf of Mom."
"This is truly a great day for us. Come down to our humble world and let us celebrate this historic encounter with the sacred Cola!" Jolt-er held up a bottle of Kick.
"Now you're talking!" Frye said. "We'll be right down!"
A short time later they had all joined Jolt-er in his spacious chamber. Servants gave them goblets of Kick, which Frye gulped down eagerly, much to Leela's annoyance.
"So, it's my understanding that all of the Kick Cola from Earth wound up here?" she asked.
"Yes. Long ago, this was a dry and barren world. Then the containers of the sacred drink landed here. They split open, covering it with the holy carbonated beverage. Our people found it to their liking, and used it to turn Sodacan into the paradise it is today."
"Yes, well, it's certainly…impressive." Grandiose was more like it, Leela thought. The chamber was made of solid Kick Cola, as was everything else.
"So, just out of curiosity…do you ever get any visitors? You know, people who might want to settle down here for a while?" Frye asked.
Jolt-er chuckled. "You sound like a hairless humanoid who can appreciate the taste of a good fizzy drink."
"Oh, yeah," Frye affirmed. "Kick Cola is my favorite!"
"I'm glad you feel that way. Guards!"
"Hey!" Frye and the others struggled in protest as they were seized.
"What gives?" Leela demanded. "We only came here to bring you Alka-Seltzer!"
"Yeah! If I wanted police brutality, I could have stayed home!" Bender protested.
Jolt-er laughed. "You are exactly what we have been waiting for! Now we have the means to smuggle the sacred drink to your home world, where it is illegal! I will become the king of the cola bootleggers! Take them away!"
"I'm really sorry, Leela," Frye said as they were dragged out of the chamber. "If I hadn't become addicted to Kick Cola when I was younger, we wouldn't be in this mess."
"Well, we're not drowned in the stuff yet." Leela glanced at their captors. "On the count of three, follow my lead. One, two…three!"
Leela managed to slip out of her guard's grasp and roundhouse-kick him in the face. Bender lowered himself and tripped his guards while tying their belts together and bending one of their prodding staffs around their wrists. Frye made his slip and fall by popping the top off of one of the Kick Cola cans that his guard had attached to his waist.
They ran down a corridor and were able to make it to the ship just before more reinforcements arrived. The guards fired staff weapons that shot sharp sprays of Kick Cola at the trio as they ran into the ship. One of them hit Frye in the back of the head.
"Ow! That hurt! Mmmm…tastes great, though!" Frye licked his lips as he took his seat and they lifted off. He looked longingly at Sodacan Four as they rapidly left it behind.
"Well, I hope you learned a valuable lesson," Leela said.
"Yeah, I did," Frye replied. "I guess I'll just have to stay addicted to Slurm like everybody else."
"That's the spirit, pal," Bender said. "Remember, it's not what you're addicted to, but the addiction itself that counts."
"What Bender means in his own way is that you don't need Kick Cola to be happy," Leela added.
"Yeah…I guess you're right." Frye sighed. "Kick Cola…I hardly got to taste thee."
But his thoughts were still of the small brown planet, even with its ruthless crime boss, as they headed for home.
THE END.