Once, a big bang theory fanfic

This was written a day after I read a taping report (thank you, Roxanne :) ) that made my eyes water right in school. The fact that I love Penny and Leonard together aside, how could you not feel bad for him in this situation? Wouldn't this be the worst nightmare of anyone in love? I can only imagine how heartbroken Leonard must be. Thanks to Tizzy for the beta.

Spoilers: For The Wheaton Recurrence. Also, things that are mentioned in "The Spaghetti Catalyst," but nothing that gives away plot.

DISCLAIMER: The characters belong to CBS. The song is "Once," and it belongs to Rascal Flatts. In the story part there is an allusion to "A Real Fine Place To Start" by Sara Evans.

Apology: This is probably really bad, so sorry in advance.

Should've been much further then this by now.
A little bit more gone a little less twisted around.
Should've been much better you'd think,
but I'm not, I'm still stuck, I'm still here in this rut.

Leonard went to bed alone. That hadn't happened in months. He took off his jacket and his pants and climbed into his side of the bed. His side. He shifted his weight, facing her side. Except it wasn't her side. Nor was where he was laying his side. There were no sides anymore.

Looking back on everything that we had.
Holding on to words that we can't take back.

Life was playing a cruel joke on him. "I love you," was supposed to be a happy phrase. Those three little words were always the gateway to joy, the beginning of the best time of an adult's life. Or so he'd been told. Those three little words had opened the door to despair. If only he had kept it in…but there was no way he could have known what would happen. At the moment the words formed on his lips saying them was the only thing in the world he wanted to do. He had wanted to tell her.

What am I to do with the past
when it's all that I have and I can't get you back?

Leonard eased into the middle of the bed, laying his hand on her pillow. He pulled it closer, hugging it to his chest. It smelled like her, oh God, it smelled like her! His self control disappeared and the tears came.

Now I wait by the phone in the dark drunk on hope.
I'm so lost, I'm so alone, and I just want you to know,
everywhere that I go I'm reminded of us.
Where we've been, all we've done, and all the love that we shared…
Once… oh, once!

Why? Why did it have to happen this way? It was the perfect time, the perfect moment…or so he'd thought. Why did it go so, so wrong?

"Why?" The word escaped his lips, cracking as it did so.

Knock Knock Knock "Leonard?"

Leonard rolled over, and the first thing he saw was a framed picture of him and Penny that was on the wall, arms around each other's shoulders and smiling broadly. She had given it to him, the heart-shaped frame and all. Of course it would be heart-shaped. Leonard reached over and unhooked it, remembering as he sat up to look at it the reason that he'd turned in the first place. "What, Sheldon?"

Sheldon eased open the door. "Do you want to talk?" He stood awkwardly in the threshold.

"Not really," Leonard said, looking down at the picture. He touched his finger to Penny's cheek. My precious.

Sheldon awkwardly came over to the bed and patted his shoulder. "There, there." He paused. "I yelled at Wheaton."

Leonard didn't know what the hell that had to do with anything, but he nodded. "Good."

"I'll leave you alone. Good-night, Leonard."

"Good-night, Sheldon."

I remember you sayin' I was the one.
And nothing could change that but you were wrong.

If only. He'd dreamt of it so many times. Well, it had seemed real enough to him. Leonard hadn't seen her in two days. Well, he'd thought he'd caught her going around a corner once, but instead of calling out to her he'd stopped and waited for her to get ahead of him. He was afraid of what he'd do if he saw her.

It's funny how life turns on a dime.
Now we don't even talk, I just stare at these walls.

Knock Knock Knock "Leonard?"

"What?" He was curled up with the pillow again, clutching it to his chest with his right hand as he lay on that side. His left hand held the picture, out of that painful frame now.

Sheldon came in. "Do you want a hot beverage?"

"No."

He cocked his head. "Are you looking at pictures of Penny?"

Leonard tucked the picture between the pillow and his chest. "Don't tell her."

Sheldon shifted uncomfortably. Then he came over and sat on the edge of the bed. "Can't you two just talk?" It was almost a whine, like a child upset over a parent's squabble.

Leonard sat up. "Shelly, this is for the best."

Sheldon looked down. "You don't believe that any more than I do."

After he'd left, Leonard pulled out the photo again. No, he thought. I don't. How could this possibly be for the best?

And I wait by the phone in the dark drunk on hope.
I'm so lost, I'm so alone, and I just want you to know,
everywhere that I go I'm reminded of us.
Where we've been, all we've done, and all the love that we shared…

That night he had the dream again. The one where it worked out. The one where he said it-"I love you, Penny," and she said it back, making him happy in knowing that for the first time in his life, someone loved him. His mother never had, nor had any of his girlfriends but, at least in his dreams, Penny did.

Once…you made the world feel so right.

Before Penny, sex was just that. There was no meaning behind it, no attachment to the person he was with. With her, it became more than that. It wasn't just sex. It was sex with Penny. And that made all the difference in the world.

Once…you were my morning, noon and night.

She was everything to him. When he'd made her the snowflake nearly a year ago he hadn't known she was waiting for him all summer. Then she'd pulled him to her and kissed him, and when they decided to just be friends they just couldn't. They grew closer, spent more and more time together and made up after disagreements. The meaningless lust he'd had for her when they met had long since faded away. She wasn't a toy to him. She was Penny, and losing her felt like losing the entire world.

Why'd we slip away?

Even the time between him telling her and them breaking up…it felt different.

Why did it all change?

Like he'd messed up too badly, and there was no going back.

How will I ever be the same?

The way he had lost her was the worst part.

Now I wait by the phone in the dark drunk on hope.
I'm so lost, I'm so alone…and I just want you to know,
everywhere that I go I'm reminded of us.
Where we've been, all we've done, and the love that we shared…

When the guys didn't come over for dinner at night he had nowhere to go. He couldn't even go with Sheldon to a restaurant because he and Penny had gone to every one in the area. Even the comic-book store was haunted to him. She'd been there, too, and the last time he was there he was dressed as Supergirl because they'd lost the bowling game…because Penny left…because of him. Would he be able to go anywhere anymore?

Now I wait by the phone in the dark drunk on hope
I'm so lost, I'm so alone and I just want you to know
everywhere that I go I'm reminded of us.
Where we've been, all we've done and all the love that we shared…

She had been too much of his life for too long.

Should've been much further then this by now
A little bit more gone, a little less twisted around.

People always told him that there was someone out there for everyone. No one had ever told him that he'd find the right one for him, and find out that she didn't think he was the right one for her.

Sorry if that was really, really bad. I wasn't really thinking clearly when I first wrote it…and I actually ended up changing the song I was going to use. Anyway, let me know what you think!