The Secret Diary of Visser One

by traycon3 only.

Disclaimer: I don't own the Animorphs, Visser One, or any of the characters in this story, except for Jornat. Ellie and the whole idea, plus most of the story, are Sinister Shadow's, but she's allowing me to write a "sister story" to Visser Three's Diary. So, thanks again!

Chapter 1: Why must I endure this?

Entry 1:

June Twenty-Ninth

I love Councilor Eight dearly. Though I must admit, I wasn't expecting to get this at my last birthday. However, he gave it to me and since I took the time to actually dig this thing out, I figure I might as well use it. After all, it's a perfectly good journal. Or diary, if you're one of those pathetic morons.

Oh, a bomb has just, mysteriously, gone off in the room next door. It seems Visser Three has found my little surprise.

You see, it's the freakin' dapsen's birthday today, so I figured I'd give him a nice oatmeal pie. I just…forgot to have my personal assistant tell him about the bomb. Silly me. I do hope he enjoyed my little note. You know, the one that said: "Have a nice day, Esplin (You know I'm being sarcastic, you big doaf)! From your old friend (see previous parenthesis), Visser One"

Speaking of Visser Three, I should really go pay him a visit.

I calmly walked into his room. (Sometimes it's nice having a councilor as your boy-toy.) Glancing over his shoulder, I read: "They know I'll eat anything. They wouldn't want me getting fat, would they? All tough and muscular..."

I grinned. "All tough and muscular my—"

He turned round. ( What are YOU doing here! ) He demanded. ( Were you reading my diary? )

"Why not?" I replied. "The Gold Bands were driving me up the freakin' wall!"

I was about to add a comment about him having a diary when his idiotic personal assistant came bounding in with a trumpet. When he blew on it a horrid, not to mention off key, sound came out. I was surprised that I didn't go deaf after that.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Visser!" he yelled in a crazy voice.

"Did you eat too many cornflakes?" I inquired.

"NO!"

"Oatmeal, then?"

"UH-UH."

"How about chocolate?"

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesss..." the idiot replied, beginning to drool.

"Good MORNIIIIIIIIIIING... Visser THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Iniss started signing in a retarded, yet strangely diabolical way.

I plugged my ears. "Oh SHUT THE HELL UP, you dapsen!" I screamed.

( Oh by the way, Iniss... ) Visser Three said. ( It's the evening. )

He gasped, "Good EEEEEEEEVENIIIIIIIING... Visser THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Argh." I said.

It was a wonder Visser Three didn't go mad. Oh, wait, he already is.

Anyway, his idiotic PA then started to sing that annoying childish song. It was bad enough when I was forced to put up with it when Eva, the host I use mostly for trips to Earth, decided her spawn Marco needed to learn it.

I'm sure you know the song. Oh, wait, you're a journal. However, if anyone ever actually got a hold of this and read it—which would cause imminent death—they would know the song instantly.

"If you're HAPPY and you know it, clap your HANDS! HEY!"

No one clapped. I suppose it was to be expected; I would get slightly worried if Esplin actually started.

This, however, didn't stop Iniss. He clapped loudly, probably making up for the lack of enthusiasm from his two superiors.

"If you're HAPPY and you know it, STOMP YOUR FEET!"

I resisted snorting at the glare Visser Three shot his PA.

"... OR HOOVES!" Iniss practically screamed, making up for his mistake. He stomped his feet.

"Oye!" I yelled, smacking myself on the forehead. "Make it stop!"

"IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT SWING YOUR—"

That was it. I could stand it no longer. I grabbed the nearest object and hit the dapsen upside the head.

I repeatedly hit him with the object—a very nice metal pole—until he ran screaming from the room.

Naturally, I chased him down.

( One… ) I heard the dapsen say to himself as I drew my Dracon Beam. ( Two…Three )

As much as I didn't want to allow Visser Three the pleasure of being right, his PA need to die more. So, I shot him.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." Iniss moaned in pain, "Oomph!"

( Knew it, ) Visser Three said to no one.

I rolled my eyes, watching as he came out with his camera and handcuffs. I did hope he knew human CPR, because my host skipped her training.

Until I find it necessary to record daily events, I bid thee adu.

Edriss 562

A/N: Hope you enjoyed my first chapter! Please read and review!