a.n. This is set directly after the interrogation scene during 47 seconds. Assume that the events of Always never happened. Prompt: What if their secrets weren't so secret?
xxxx
Do you want to know trauma? I was shot in the chest and I remember every second of it!
Finally, Castle thought as he stood in the observation room. Finally, she admits it. He smiled to himself, wondering what would happen in the next few minutes when he confronted her. Would she continue to deny it, or come up with some new lie?
The truth was, Richard Castle knew Kate Beckett. He knew her tells. He knew the minute the words came out of her mouth back in that bright hospital room that she wasn't telling the truth. He hadn't expected it to take so long for her to admit it out loud, and he definitely didn't expect it to be to a suspect and not him. But he knew that it would eventually come to light.
As Beckett finished her interrogation of Bobby Lopez, he decided he would play it by ear. If she wanted to continue to lie to him, he wasn't going to call her out on it. If she wanted to finally talk, he would talk. He so hoped she was ready to talk.
He was ready; he just hoped she was too.
xxxx
Stepping out of the interrogation room, Kate Beckett felt uneasy. For the whole of her interrogation of Bobby Lopez she'd had the feeling that she was being watched. Normally, in the interrogation room, that feeling wouldn't bother her. But for some reason today that feeling felt ominous.
Looking to her right before heading back to her desk, she discovered why she'd had the feeling. Castle had just stepped out of the observation room with two cups of coffee in his hands.
The blood drained out of her face as she remembered spewing, no shouting out her most closely held secret to a complete stranger. Having a hard time catching her breath all she could think was no, no, no, not like this.
Finally steeling herself to look into his eyes, she didn't find the betrayal, hurt or anger there that she expected to see. Instead she found…amusement? That didn't seem right to her. Why did he look so happy? He should be mad. He should be throwing things and stalking out of the precinct never to be seen there again.
"Good job in there, Kate," Castle said, coming closer to her, handing her the coffee.
"C-Castle? Did you see the whole thing?"
He nodded. "Most of it. All the good bits."
Finding it hard to swallow, she took a sip of the coffee that had become a staple of their relationship.
"I-Why do you…aren't you angry? I mean you just heard that I've been lying to you for eight months."
He shook his head and said, "no, not angry. I figured the truth was going to come out some time. Though I expected that you'd eventually tell me to my face instead of shouting it at a suspect, but it doesn't matter."
"Doesn't matter? What do you mean?"
"Let's go back in the observation room if we're actually going to talk about this, hmm?"
She nodded and then followed him into the observation room, her whole body shaking and her mind whirling with incomplete thoughts. He doesn't care that I've remembered? What does that mean? Didn't he mean it? Did he just say those words in the heat of the moment?
Slumping back against the door, she looked up and found Castle staring at her, a curious expression on his face. Before she could stop herself she asked the one question that meant everything to her. "Did you mean it?"
"What do you…? Oh, you mean the words you actually remember me saying? Yes, Kate, I meant them then. My feelings haven't changed."
Sighing in relief she wiped her cheeks, trying to rid them of the tears that wouldn't stop flowing down her cheeks. "Why aren't you mad?" She whispered.
"Kate, I knew you were lying to me the minute those words came out of your mouth," he said, taking a step towards her. "I know when you're lying. I've been studying your expressions for four years." He took a deep breath and ran his thick fingers through his hair, looking away for a minute, his gaze finding Bobby Lopez still sitting in the interrogation room.
Looking back at her he continued, "I admit that at first I was hurt that you'd lie to me about something so important. I was even more hurt that you'd send me away after just a few minutes. I was so worried about you. I just wanted to sit there and hold your hand, but you needed to have space. After I left, I figured I could give you that for a few days, and then you'd call. I thought you'd call. Of course you didn't.
"Those first few days I did a lot of thinking. At that time I still had hope that you'd call me. I thought about how I would feel if someone told me they loved me for the first time while I was dying. I'd be mad, I think. It's hard to put yourself in that position, but I've got a pretty good imagination," he said, smirking. "So after a few days I decided that if you didn't want to remember, then I wasn't going to pressure you. You'd just been shot. You had more important things to take care of than talking about feelings and relationships.
"It was after a month of silence that the doubt started to creep in. I didn't know if you were with Josh. I didn't know if you were getting better, or if you were still in the hospital. But the question I had the hardest time with was why you had ran and why you weren't calling me. I know you like your space, and again, I could see wanting to get away from everyone and their pity while you healed. But there were also doubts, you know? Did she run because she doesn't feel the same way? Did she run because she's in love with Josh and doesn't want to confront me about my one-sided feelings? I didn't know. I thought that you felt something for me, though at that point I wasn't sure what those feelings were."
Kate made to interrupt, wanting to at least tell him that she felt something for him, but he held his hands up.
"Let me finish with the story, Beckett, it gets better. Three months," he said, continuing, "Three months of silence from you. I admit those three months were the hardest times of my life. I missed you so much, but I was angry. You'd abandoned me and couldn't even find the courage to call me or text me. When you showed up at my book signing, I almost walked away from you for good. I was close. So very close to just washing my hands of you. It hurt so bad that you'd treat me as if I meant nothing to you for three months. I had watched you die in that ambulance. Twice. As hard as I imagine it was for you to be shot, it was just as hard for me to see you die.
"But, again I forgave you. You gave me a lot of hope that day on the swings. You said you wanted a relationship, and I was pretty sure that you wanted that relationship to be with me."
"It was. It is," Kate cut in.
He smiled, "I know, now. I've watched you these last few months, hoping that at some point you'd come to me and tell me the truth and we could talk about us, talk about our future. While I admit I've done an unimaginable amount of staring in my time with you, this year has probably been more ridiculous than you could ever imagine. But I've noticed things.
"I've noticed how much more open you are. Not with your words, necessarily, but with your facial expressions. You've been smiling more these last few months. It took a while of course, but I've seen the progress you've been making, trying to heal yourself. I assume that you haven't been doing it alone, and I'm glad for that. Without trying to be condescending, I'm so proud of how far you've come these last few months. It is truly awe-inspiring. Just another reason why you're extraordinary."
The blush creeping up her cheeks was something she couldn't control. Ducking her head, she studied the floor for a few moments before saying "Thanks."
He smiled at her. "I knew for sure that you felt the same way as I did after the bank explosion." She looked back up at him, studying his features. "The expression on your face when you found me and my mother in that bank vault was…I don't know…it was amazing. I could see the love in your eyes, as cliché as that sounds. I knew then that you were working for the same purpose I was, that you wanted us to happen too. So to answer your question, that's why I'm not mad. I know why you lied. I know that you're still working to be better. And you know that I'll wait for as long as it takes for that to happen."
She stood there looking at him for what might have been several minutes. She was in complete awe of this man and his love for her. She had just lied to his face for eight months, and he had understood. He knew her, he really did, and while that scared the crap out of her, she knew that she was safe in his hands.
Making her mind up, she walked up to him and wrapped her arms around his neck. "I love you too, Richard Castle," she said, before claiming his lips with her own.
xxxx
Ten Months Later…
She was beginning to think that he was never going to tell her what he had been doing behind her back for the last year and half. She had found out about his 'secret' soon after they had started dating after that bombing case. She had woken up in the middle of the night and had discovered his murder board. At first she had been furious. How could he have done this to her? How could he keep this from her when it was the most important thing in her life?
Then she realized that it really wasn't the most important thing in her life any more. He was. She hadn't realized that until she really thought about it. She loved him, and that love overpowered any need for justice she had for her mother's case. Sure she still wanted to find the man who had ordered he mom's killer, but she wanted Castle more. She knew that for him to keep this from her for so long, he'd have to have had a good reason. After all, she had kept a huge secret from him, and he had forgiven her and had understood her reasoning.
They had been dating for ten months. If she was honest with herself, she had never been so happy in her entire life. They just worked on so many levels. She had moved into the loft two months before, and they had found their stride quickly.
Now, ten months after they had gotten together, and about eight months after she had discovered his murder board, she was beginning to think he was never going to tell her. At first, she didn't know how she was supposed to react to that. This was a huge deal, even if he had found nothing in the year and half since he had begun his investigation. He had put himself in danger, and she knew that the more he dug around, the more danger he was in. Over those ten months she had almost put a stop to it so many times. But every time she had thought to do so, she had talked herself out of it.
Castle was the smartest person she knew. She knew that he wouldn't have been doing this if he hadn't understood the risks. She knew that he was keeping her out of it to keep her safe. She had found the files on the mysterious Mr. Smith, and understood that she had to stay out of it in order to stay safe. So she let it slide, and let him keep investigating.
She sat there on the loft's comfiest couch watching TV, thinking about how she should broach the subject with him. She didn't want to start a fight, even if she was still slightly peeved that he had kept this from her for so long.
Shaken out of her thoughts by the loft's door being unlocked, she looked up in time to see her partner walking in, a broad smile on his face.
"Kate!"
"Castle, what's going on?" she said, standing up to meet him by the dining room table.
"Get your shoes on, we need to take a walk," he said, practically bouncing with excitement. There was something else in his eyes, however. Something like trepidation. Curious, she walked into their bedroom and grabbed a pair of flats before joining him near the door.
"So where are we going?"
"A walk. Just go with it, Beckett. Trust me."
Together they walked out of their loft. After exiting the building, Castle took her hand and started to lead her towards Central Park.
"I have to tell you something, and I'm not sure if it's safe to tell you in the loft," he said.
"Why?"
"It might be bugged," he said, glancing at her out of the corner of his eye.
This is it, she thought. This is the moment he tells me what he's been working on. "Why do you think that, Castle?"
"I'll tell you everything, okay? It's time."
"Okay."
Entering the park, Castle guided them to a nearby bench.
"I've been looking into your shooting and your mother's case," he said without preamble.
"I know," she said, keeping a grip on his hand and she sat down next to him.
"I know you know," he said with a slight smile. "For a world class detective, your snooping skills could use some work."
Shocked, she said, "How did you know?"
"Never mind that," he said, giving her hand a squeeze. "I'm just thankful that you let me keep going without throwing me out or killing me. Or both."
She nodded. "I thought about it."
He laughed. "You're going to be glad you didn't."
"Why. Did you find something."
He shook his head, looking out into the park, which was filled with people going their own way, living their own lives, finding happiness in simply being alive. Seeing him shake his head, her stomach fell. She had hoped that he had found something, anything that could help them solve this case.
"I didn't find anything," he said, still shaking his head. "I solved it."
Her head snapped towards his and her eyes widened in shock. "What! What do you mean you solved it?"
"I will tell you everything, I promise. But it'll be easier to just summarize it for now, okay?"
She nodded.
"I know who the man is. I have proof that he's the one that ordered your mom's murder. I have proof that he's the man behind a billion dollar a year drug smuggling ring, among many other things. Honestly I could have had him a couple months ago with the drug thing, but I wanted him to go down for your mom's murder, not just for dealing cocaine. But I found a tape; it was in the elephants on your desk all this time, put there by your mom. On that tape the man admits to having your mom killed, and it is obviously him."
"Who is he," she asked fiercely.
"William Bracken."
"As in, Senator William Bracken?"
"Yep."
She couldn't breathe. This was too much. She had been trying to solve this case for almost 15 years. She had run herself into the ground trying to find answers, trying to find who had killed her mom. Now she had the answers. She knew that she could trust Castle's police work. She knew that he would never come to her unless he was sure.
Castle simply pulled her into his side and held her while she tried to come to terms with this new information. Come to terms with the fact that it hadn't been her that had found this information.
"You should have told me," she said finally, almost twenty minutes later. She pulled herself away from him, and gave him an angry glare.
"I could have helped you! Don't you think I had the right to be a part of this investigation? Don't you think I deserved to find the answers myself?" She was shouting now, and she didn't care. She got up and started to pace back and forth, occasionally looking at him, trying to figure out how she would ever forgive him for taking this from her. She had forgiven him for looking, but she thought he'd come to her so she could be the one to find the answers, so that she could get her own closure. "How could you do this to me?" She shouted at him, her voice breaking, and the tears flowing down her cheeks.
Sighing, obviously trying to contain his own emotions, he said, "Sit down, Kate."
"NO!"
Shaking his head he said, "How can you ask why I did this? How can you ask, after everything we've been through together, how I could do this? I love you, dammit, more than life itself. I couldn't bring this to you because I didn't trust you with it. You would have taken any piece of information I had and run forward with it like a cop, or worse like a person set on revenge. I needed to keep you alive, even if it meant you hating me forever. You cannot die, Kate. I couldn't handle that. So, yes, I kept it from you. I knew you couldn't investigate it, so I did it for you. I did it safely, and slowly, pulling the strings in the background so that I was safe and you were safe. I did it for you, so don't you dare stand there and ask me how I could do this to you." His last few words had been shouted at her. She could feel the emotion flowing off him in waves. She could tell that he was telling the truth.
She flopped back down on the bench, her willingness to fight suddenly gone. "I'm sorry," she whispered.
"I'm sorry too," he said. "I…I wanted to come to you Kate. I did. But you're life is more important than anything, and I just couldn't risk something happening to you."
"I understand," she said, taking his hand again and sliding closer to him on the bench. Taking a deep breath, she asked "Now what? I assume you have a plan for what happens next?"
"Yes. Two actually, you can choose. We can take this to Gates. But if we do, it's likely that we won't be able to keep Montgomery a secret. He's on that tape with Bracken. The second option is taking this to Jordan Shaw and having the FBI handle it. I think we can talk her into letting you have the collar."
After talking for another half hour, they made some plans for taking the next step. She asked to hear the tape, and he promised that he would play it for her as soon as they got to a secure place. He and told her how he had discovered a bug in their loft the week before, and how that had made him happy that he'd moved his investigation several months before to a small office he had rented under an assumed alias.
Getting up, she wrapped her arms around him, squeezing him tight. "Thank you, Rick. I know this wasn't easy. I don't know how you did it. But thank you, so much."
Holding her tight, he said "I'll tell you all about it. But you're welcome. Now let's go get this SOB."
Letting him go, they left the park, both lost in thought about the upcoming days when her mom would finally get the justice she deserved.
xxxx
Two Weeks Later…
"It's over," he whispered into her hair as he held her tight outside the Capital Building in Washington D.C. "It's over."
She said nothing, just strengthened her grip on him, as the tears ran down her face and she struggled not to completely break down. She had just arrested the man responsible for her mom's death. She had watched him being put in the back of a squad car, and had watched it roll away. It was finally over. After 15 years of grief, tears, fighting, and near death experiences, it was finally over. She was safe. Her mom had justice. She had done it.
But she hadn't done it alone. The man clinging to her had gotten the answers for her, and she would never be able to thank him enough for that. At first she had been mad. She had been selfish. She had wanted to be the one to solve it. Now she didn't care. She got to do the important part, putting the cuffs on the bastard and leading him out of the building. It was over, and she couldn't have done it without him.
"Thank you," she whispered, clutching him tighter still.
"Always, Kate. Anything and always, you know that."
Pulling back from him just enough so she could gaze into his beautiful blue eyes, she said the words that had been floating around in her mind for months. She was going to wait for him, but she wanted this. It was time to start living. Time to truly be happy. Time to embrace the future. Their future.
"Marry me," she said, her arms on his biceps, her eyes never leaving his. "Marry me, Castle."
xxxx
a.n.2. Obviously we know what his answer would have been, right? Reviews would be amazing.