Title: Intercourse Companions

Author: Mindy

Rating: T, sexual concepts

Disclaimer: Tina's etc.

Spoilers: Not really

Pairing: Jack/Liz, mentions Jack/other, Liz/other

Summary: Jack thought he knew it all.

-x-x-x-

When she answered the door, she saw no one on the other side. But stepping out into the hall, Liz heard a low, pathetic groan. She turned to see Jack slumped against the wall, his head bowed and hair flopping over his forehead.

Gazing at his hands, he shook his head back and forth, mumbling, "My whole life…"

"Um. Hey there," she greeted, mildly confused.

"My whoooooole life," he mumbled again, voice weighed down with both alcohol and self-pity.

Liz waited for more but none came. "Your whole life, what?"

Jack looked up at her, eyes red-rimmed and droopy. "Sorry…?"

She pointed inside her apartment. "You wanna come inside and talk, maybe?"

Jack stared at her blankly.

"Come on..." She put a hand on his shoulder, turning his bent body and ushering him inside, swinging the door shut. Once inside, Jack halted, sloppily shedding his coat and letting it drop to the floor. Liz picked it up and hung it by the door then moved round in front of him. "Want a drink?"

"Yes," he replied slowly. "I want a drink."

She headed for the kitchen, grabbing from the fridge the only alcohol she had on hand, a half-consumed bottle of Pinot Grigio. When she headed back towards Jack, still swaying on his feet in her foyer, he ignored the glasses in her other hand and just stole the bottle. He uncorked it and took a long swig.

"Oka-ay…" She followed as he wandered deeper into her apartment. "So…what's going on?"

"My whole life, Lemon!"

"You said that already."

"It's one big sham," he told her, waving the wine bottle at nothing. "It's built on false foundations. All of it. I'm not the man I thought I was."

"Uh huh..." She headed for the couch, sat down. "And why's that?"

Jack took another swig of white wine then stared at the peeling label. "I thought I knew it all."

"Yes, you did, didn't you?"

"But I don't. I know nothing."

"Yeah…" Liz shifted her position on the couch, tucking her feet under her then tipping her head at him. "You wanna give me some clue what we're talking about here?"

"Women!" Jack huffed, beginning to pace the small room.

She let out a sigh. "Of course."

"Women, Lemon. The unrelenting bane of man's foolhardy existence."

"That's okay, I won't take it personal."

He stopped, turning to face her. "Lemon, you're one. A woman."

She glanced down. "I seem to have all the parts."

"So, tell me," he mused, his face creased with incomprehension. "What is it about women-" he stopped, reconsidered, started again. "I mean, why must women-" he stopped again, shook his head. "Why can't a woman…"

"Be more like a man?" she finished when he faltered again. "I think I've heard that song."

Jack squinted at her a moment. "Why do women lie, Lemon?"

"All women don't lie," she answered simply.

"Every woman I've known in my entire life has lied to me."

"I don't lie to you."

Jack paused, squinting at her some more. "That's true. You don't lie to me. You rarely have and when you do you're so awful at it I can always tell." He pursed his lips, then added, "I like that about you."

She shrugged. "It's an innate talent, being this transparent."

Jack turned abruptly, beginning to pace again. "I was with a woman tonight, Lemon."

"Oh goodie, another sex story."

"And when I say with, I mean-"

She held up a hand. "Yeah, I got it."

"And I did everything I usually do. Everything that usually has my bed partner-"

"Okay, no need to elaborate."

"I did it all, I tried everything. But…nothing." He stalled, staring out the window into darkness. "No response. Not even a peep."

She hesitated, frowning. "Do they usually…peep?"

"They usually-"

"My mistake. Don't…answer that."

He wagged his head piteously, hair brushing his brows. "Lemon, do you have any idea how demoralising that is? To fail so miserably at something that should come naturally to any adult human being?"

"I have some idea, yes."

"Do you think it's possible that I have deluded myself all these years? Do you think it's remotely possible that I am not as spectacular in bed as I've always assumed?"

Liz bit her lip, suppressing the urge to cringe. "Ooo boy…I really don't think I'm the right person to answer that question, Jack."

He humphed sullenly. "You're just like the rest of them."

Her eyes widened. "What? What did I do?"

"What is it you women want?" he demanded all of a sudden, arms spread. "I mean, really. What do you want from us? What is the biiiiig mystery you all like to withhold from us men? Just to drive us crazy with wondering, with searching, with lust, with hope?"

"You're seriously asking me?" she muttered, brows half raised. "How would I know? Look, Jack-" She took a breath, calmed her tone. "Isn't it possible that you just had an off night? You were just tired, preoccupied?"

"I don't have off nights," he said stoically. "I don't get tired. And I never fail in my duties as a lover. Or so I thought."

"Well, maybe she had an off night. Sometimes the chemistry between two people just…doesn't match up. And women are more complex than men, you know. Their sexuality-" She broke off, eyes lifting to his. "…what?"

Jack shifted on his feet. "You said 'sexuality'."

"Trying to help here, Jack. This is not exactly my area of expertise."

"In any case," he continued with a glum shrug. "I always thought I could overcome such obstacles. In the past, I could turn on the coldest woman. I could ignite the dampest libido-"

"Did you try asking her?"

"Asking her? Asking her what?"

"What d'you think?"

"You needn't give me that look," he said, shooting her a look in return. "Because I did in fact ask. Delicately, of course."

Liz smirked at him from the couch. "Wow, Jack, actually talking to a woman you're in bed with. What was that like?"

"I hardly think mockery is going to restore my wounded pride."

"Sorry." She waved a hand. "What did she say then, your intercourse companion?"

Jack went silent. Slowly, he put down the wine bottle then stood up straight, facing her. "This is for your ears only, Lemon. This information is not to leave this room."

She nodded. "Understood."

"And you are not permitted to mock me with what I am about to divulge to you, either now or in the future."

"Got it."

"Also, you can't laugh."

"I won't laugh."

"I tell you this only in an effort to…find a solution to my current predicament."

She nodded again, patting the cushion next to her. "Whenever you're ready, big guy."

Jack shuffled over, dropping down onto the couch as if he were dropping the weight of the world with him. He took a deep breath. "This woman…she said my lovemaking technique was dated and dull."

Liz winced. "Ah."

Jack went on. "She said she found me an unfocused and selfish lover."

"Youch."

"She said…"

She put out a hand, patted his thigh. "S'okay, take your time."

Jack let his head fall back against the cushions, eyes closing over as his voice became fainter and more depressed with each word. "Basically, she said the whole experience was wanting. Wanting in…flair, sensuality and…even…duration."

Liz bobbed her head a few times. "I see..."

After a moment of silence, Jack lifted his head to add, "She did say my penis was a good girth though."

"Well, that's…very honest."

He let out a low, tortured groan, her name coming out at the end of it. "Lemon…! I gave her the Jack Donaghy A-game – which apparently is not as world class as I thought – and she threw it right back in my face."

"That is pretty cold," she remarked then went on, tone tentative, "You know…I dated this clown back in the day who told me that I gave head like a jungle cat. And he didn't mean it as a compliment." She demonstrated by baring her teeth and fingernails to him. "All claws and teeth. I haven't done it since."

"How is that supposed to make me feel better?" Jack asked, giving her a wary once-over.

"I don't know. Point is, you're hardly the first person to have a bad sexual experience."

"This was not simply a bad sexual experience. She called into question my entire sexual history and repetoir. She insinuated that all the women in my past have been faking their responses."

"Right, but-" she socked his shoulder encouragingly, "you're not such an old dog. You can still learn some new tricks, right?"

Jack gave a bitter chuckle. "Oh no. I'm never touching a woman again."

"Oh, come on."

"No. I'm never even going near another woman after what she said to me…the way she cackled at me…green eyes gleaming with contempt."

Liz shook her head, brows furrowed. "Okay, firstly, where did you find this She-Devil? Secondly, you're near one right now and you can't avoid women for the rest of your life. And thirdly, we both know you will have sex again. You won't be able to see out the month on that oath. All you need to do is find someone nice and get a little of your confidence back."

Jack sent her a sideways glance. "Get back on the proverbial horse?"

"Would not be my words, but…yeah."

He sighed despondently. "Perhaps you're right."

"Of course I am."

"I do like sex."

"I know you do."

"And I like women."

"Goes without saying."

"I have always gone to great lengths to please any woman I've been in bed with. Regardless of race, creed, age or degree of hotness."

"You're an equal opportunity lover, is what you're saying."

"I aspire to be, yes," he mused, his momentum picking up. "And no one, no matter how young and hot and into leather underwear she is, is going to take that away from me."

Liz held onto her smile- just. "Good for you."

"If that means, I must alter my approach, then that's what I'll do. If it means cultivating some new skills, traversing some new avenues of pleasure then I will not stop until I am as good a lover as I always thought myself to be."

"See? There you go!" Liz moved to get up.

Jack was not finished though. "All I need to do is to find a partner with real expertise in this area. Someone willing to impart all the unsayable secrets of feminine desire to me. I will embark on the ultimate crash course. I will become the student, in order to become a master."

"Well, I'm sure she's out there somewhere," Liz nodded, her smile starting to falter. "With all sorts of crazy underwear and weirdo lubricants."

"Or…" Jack stopped, silent, pensive.

"Or?"

"Perhaps what I really need is…"

She tilted her head. "…What?"

Slowly, he continued. "A woman with no experience at all, no sexual expertise, no massively elevated expectations. Someone whose carnal desires are completely untapped, even by herself. Someone who's reactions will be pure, uncomplicated, authentic. Someone who'll trust me to try and fail then try again, until ultimately…I succeed. Someone who will give me the unconstrained truth about what does and does not work for the female sex. Someone willing to place their body and psyche in my hands for the purposes of my own personal pleasure and our mutual discovery."

Liz was shaking her head. "Yikes."

"I mean, Lemon-" He turned to her, excitement filling his voice. "Could there be any better way to rediscover lovemaking than by trying, experiencing, exploring? It would be like starting afresh, going right back to the beginning. Like being the very first man and woman on earth, Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. Or those shipwrecked hippies in 'The Blue Lagoon'."

"Jack-"

"What I need here is a novice, the female equivalent of a blank slate. What I need is-" He broke off, his eyes meeting hers as a spark of realization flared within them. He licked his lips, spoke in a low voice. "Lemon. Are you thinking…what I'm thinking?"

She frowned, eyes flitting over his face. "Judging by the creepy look on your face, I'd have to say no. I'm not."

His mouth curled up in one corner. "I'm saying…I need a woman with no feminine guile whatsoever and no preconceived notions of the pleasure we could discover together. Such a creature is a rarity in these debauched times, particularly in a city like this. In fact, I know of only one woman who might fulfil my need. One, Lemon. I'm saying I need…you."

Liz froze, stunned. Her lips parted. "…Whuck?"

His smile increased. "Lemon, you are my blank slate. You're the woman I need!"

Silence followed. He got no perceivable response to this declaration, other than a slight widening of her already wide eyes. So Jack drew back, clapped his hands in front of her face. "Lemon. Lemon? Can you talk, Lemon?"

She gulped. Twice. Her hands lifted, fingers pointing at her mouth. "Too…many…things."

"I see," Jack nodded. "Well, shall I voice your objections for you while you try to collect yourself?"

Liz nodded very slowly.

"Let me see," he began, searching his brain. "First to mind…we could ruin our friendship by permitting such a intimate relationship to occur between us."

She nodded again, mute but emphatic.

"Also," Jack went on, "you don't like sex. Although this odd little enigma may be solved by our sexual treasure hunt, so we'll dismiss that one. It is possible that you aren't attracted to me."

Liz opened her mouth. But all that came out was: "I…"

Unconcerned, Jack moved on. "We could work on that, in any case. Likewise, you probably don't think I am or could be or should be genuinely attracted to you. But that's really for me to decide, isn't it? What else? Ah…it could interfere with work, I'm sure that's an objection you would voice…" he peered at her face, waited for a response, got none. "…if you could. However, I'm sure we could relegate our extracurricular activities to after hours. Also, we've both had dalliances with colleagues in the past so that's hardly a valid reason not to proceed. Perhaps you fear that I will develop feelings for you beyond what I already feel?"

She managed to shake her head.

"Is it you own feelings you fear then? Do you wonder whether my selflessly but relentlessly exposing your hidden passions will result in-"

"Jack-!"

"Oh," he noted quietly. "It talks."

She sucked in some air. "This…is…a terrible idea."

"I actually think it's an ingenious solution. To a problem we both possess. The more I think about it the more I like the idea. In fact, I can't believe I didn't think of it before. And I think that with a few guidelines we can still preserve our friendship while we explore the more libidinous side of male-female connection. After all, we are both adults. At least, I am and you're-" he ran an eye over her, "well past the age of consent."

"Stop-!" She cut him off, waving both hands in the air. "Just…stop. This- no. Sex only complicates things. Even when there are no strings attached, it messes stuff up-"

"I never said there would be no strings attached," he interjected calmly. "I would be absolutely truthful and faithful to you for the duration of our…mutual experiment. However long that might be. And I would expect the same of you. The affection I have for you would not permit anything less."

"Jack." She fixed him with a look. "We can't do this. It's…insane."

"Are you saying you don't want to do it?" he asked, eyes narrowed. "You don't wish to sleep with me or have me pleasure you? Because if it's because of what that woman said-"

"No, Jack. Oh my God…" Liz ducked her head, letting out an uncomfortable laugh. "It's not that, it's really not…"

"Then what?" Jack shifted toward her on the couch. "I have already addressed all other potential concerns, as well as tactfully alluding to the benefits you would no doubt receive. Not that I dispute the benefits I would also receive. But what other objections could you have?"

She looked at him a moment, a bemused expression on her face. "You really don't know?"

"I'm at a loss."

"Well…give it time-"

"How much time?"

"Time, Jack! Look, I'm pretty sure that once you've sobered up and recovered from whatever acid trip you are now on, you will see by yourself all of the many reasons why what you are suggesting would be wrong and weird and just should not happen."

"And if I don't?" he asked, head cocked.

"Then, I dunno. Give it some more time."

"How-"

"Give it two weeks," she told him, pulling the figure out of thin air. "Believe me, Jack, in two weeks, maybe less, you will be over all of this and you will not want to do me. It! Do it. Do…this."

Jack blinked languidly. "And if I do?"

She rolled her eyes, shaking her head. "If, after fourteen days, you actually remember this conversation and still maintain that this is a good idea, then, sure…we'll do it. Why not?"

"Why not, indeed." He stuck out a hand. "You'll shake on that?"

"Sure, okay," she nodded, putting her hand in his. "Because it's never going to happen. You told me it's never going to happen."

Jack smiled, shook her hand, holding it in his a few extra seconds. "You won't regret this, Lemon."

She withdrew her hand, got to her feet. "But you might, tomorrow."

Jack stood. He looked at her a long moment, smile still in place. "Goodnight Lemon." Then, he left.

-x-

Two weeks later:...

Liz heard her name and turned to see Jack striding hastily toward the closing elevator. She put out a hand to halt the door. When he reached her he was breathing heavily. Without waiting to catch his breath though and without any preamble, he told her:

"I still think it's a good idea."

She paused, blinking at him. "Okay…"

Jack shuffled closer, voice low. "Meaning?"

Liz drew in a breath, held it. She nodded. "Okay."

END.