Step 1: Set my bag down in my room, then prepare to do homework. Just as I reach my desk, though I hear a knock at my door. I get up and go to the door and open it and see Jessica.
You say we need to talk. That doesn't sound good. I let her in and she sits down on my bed.
I walk towards her. Man, I really need to clean my room; the normally immaculate surfaces I slave over are in disarray because of my increased workload, coupled with my organizational duties. But still, amongst the clutter, you, Jessica, sit there, radiant as ever.
You say sit down, it's just a talk.
I shrug and sit down beside her. There is a silence. I smile politely at her.
You stare politely right on through.
I have to look away; the way your eyes are glaring past me let me know that you know what happened. Some sort of window to your right…amazing how thankful you become for a window when you girlfriend is about to confront you about your drugs and your cheating.
Jessica takes a deep breath in and says it: "I know what you've been doing and I don't like it"
It was like something tangible between us, breaking: as if my heart was going left and yours was staying right.
Just one sentence and suddenly all the months of tension built between the lines of fear and blame breaks open like a dam.
I bet she even wonders why she came.
"Where did I go wrong? she asks. "No-where did you go wrong. I thought I was your girlfriend, the one you cared about, so it was my fault, but it's not, because you don't care about me. I feel like…like I've lost a friend. First the other women, then the heroin, it's just so wrong. Somewhere along the way, in the bitterness, I quit wanting to care, to love you. I would have held your hand and I would have stayed up with you all night through an intervention, Christopher. "
If she had and if I had known, it could have saved my life.