I closed my eyes as I reminisce past the fleeting memories that once took an important role in my life. Never have I thought that it would be this striking to the point that I am scarred emotionally, maybe too afraid that I have yet more to experience. Nevertheless, I continued running my dull life as the usual, but sometimes I can't just ignore that void feeling, a gaping hole that was visibly present, a wound that would never heal or if it will, it would leave a mark, a scar that would keep me from moving on.
The crowd in the classroom was ever cheerful. Small groups were unconsciously scattered within the four corners of the room, creating individual rackets from each crowd and it ends up mixing the noise, making it unbearable for my sensitive ears that is only used to calm and quiet environments. I sat quietly at my own desk which is placed second to the last row near the windows at the back. From my viewpoint, I can almost see the entire class, but I never looked at them with interest.
They bore me.
Even the most challenging subjects that they reprimand for, it was unconsciously easy and so I simply sit at my chair all day long, staring outside the windows doing nothing. It was the usual routine.
I wake up to my annoying digital alarm clock then shut it down. At times, I irritatingly throw it. It was a miracle that the obnoxious damned clock was alive up to this day considering the times that I have thrown in at the farthest corner of my room and then it would end up in pieces. Then I would get up, putting on my red slippers and go straight to the bathroom, only to find out that I have another bad hair day, but I was not conscious about my looks. I'd rather leave it at that because brushing my short raven hair takes too much effort.
So I take my bath, wear my plain school uniform, have breakfast then sprint my way to school. Once I arrive at the classroom the only thing I do is plainly sit at my chair, staring down with dark orbs, the clean desk that I possessed. Most of my classmates had their tables vandalized, doodles scribbled down at the corners of their scratched wooden tabletops, making it look old despite it being renewed after every final semester. It is noticeable that some of it were answers to some tests, but it was poorly erased with a pen that left a mark at the table.
From there, that is how my life goes everyday. The bell rang.
And the noise, the crowd, everything, vanished.
My thick history book was wide open, together with a notebook that was neatly placed on top of my desk as if to make it look like I'm paying attention to class. Not that it was necessary to listen to it when I can vividly remember each detail that was repeatedly taught to us since elementary years. I sighed.
"Back in the Edo era. . ." the rest of the words were drowned out of my hearing as a gazed out the window, unconsciously noticing the girl who always sat beside me. She was not paying any attention either, but it was pretty obvious.
My gaze was involuntarily held to her. The sunlight had increased the silkiness of her long brunette locks, her hazelnut eyes that glistened upon the sun's rays seems to enhance her mystic attributes to me. Another thing that adds up is her knitted red scarf that she always wore. Even on days where the heat continues to bake, she never missed a chance to wear it. You can always see a smile bestowed upon her glossy lips, it was as if she is living a carefree life.
I never noticed that I was already holding in my breath, my eyes were too much taken by her physical appearance that seems to have captured me at the moment.
"Ah." I whispered to myself. She heard it, definitely.
Her eyes fluttered closed then opened, and soon I found her stunning orbs staring down at mine. She smiled. The warmth was there, melting down my cold façade slowly as if she wants to peek behind my walls that stood tall among these people that bore me. But she, her smile, her gaze. They attract me. They interest me.
"Is there something wrong?" she mouthed at me. 'Eh? Me? Shit, I have been staring at her.'
I thought then snapped away from my reverie, focusing again at the blackboard but paid little attention to the speaker in front. Shyly, I shook my head in response to her question so as not be impolite. She had caught me staring.
I smiled. A real one, for once.
A week after that happened; she had been starting small conversations like throwing papers at me during class hours, asking me if we can have lunch together at the rooftop. Sometimes, she would approach me for tutoring purposes, knowing that she had low grades mostly on the academics like history and science.
She was insistent especially when I tried to decline her proposal that I should tutor her. Albeit myself being stubborn, she never gave up on approaching me, which delighted me to refuse her more and see if she will still try to converse with me. She always finds a way to talk to me.
"Shintaro, congratulations" my classmate in front of me greeted as he handed me down my test paper. I simply nodded in reply and looked down at the paper, only to find out that I, once again, perfected a test. One hundred over one hundred.
It is a natural occurrence; more like it's not something to be amazed about. But these people just find it astounding and I can't exactly say it if I am just that smart or they are simply idiot and stupid.
I folded the test paper once, twice, and then last until the size fits my pocket and there, I stashed my term paper, not caring if it will get crumpled. Supposedly, I'll get back to sleeping at my desk since after receiving the test paper, the class teacher who left told us to do a self-study but all it ever meant is free time so I'd rather take a nap despite the soon-will-be-noisy environment.
Yet, someone had the nerve to stop me from my sleep.
I was about to place my forehead on top of my folded arms atop my desk but this insistent girl talked to me again. Seriously at times, she really pisses me off but I have got to control my temper and so, I sat straight and gazed again at her mesmerizing hazelnut orbs, which miraculously calmed down my guts.
"Kisaragi-san! Look at my test score, I only got fifty-six! I can't believe it, I mean I studied hard for this and all I get is this!? Fifty-six?" She grumbled, pulling her chair closer to my desk as she handled the test paper with her gentle hands. She pouted, her lips slightly curving outwards but later on she cheerily giggled at her own actions, maybe thinking how stupid it made her look.
No, she looked cute and when she laughs, it's just beautiful that it fascinates me in every possible way. But I kept all these thoughts to myself and my expression never changed even though her most charming points were showing. I was drawn to her; nonetheless I always kept my fantasies at bay and kept my reverie to myself.
"How about you, Kisaragi-san, what is your score?" she curiously asked.
"Do I have to answer your question, Tateyama-san?" I looked away.
"Ayano is fine."
"Okay, do I really have to answer it, AYANO-san?" I asked; irritation visibly present at the tone of my voice as I looked back at her and raised a brow. If it's someone, that person would have already left me, but she did not. She insisted and stayed and conversed with me.
"Drop the honorifics! Geez, Kisaragi-san is too formal" she giggled again. I regret it, that I looked back at her. That sudden smile caught me off guard and the annoyance that was present in my expression was torn down by her enticing smile.
"Ah! Kisaragi-san, your face. . ." she stared, then chuckled.
"You're cute" she added, giggling.
"Stop staring!" I blushed and looked away, my face burning red.
"I would only stop staring if you agreed to tutor me~!"
"Okay! Fine, I'll accept it"
Ayano is weird and odd in her own ways, but I find it somewhat captivating. Her eccentricity and cheery warm smile was what attracted me. I don't know if that is how she really is. By the end, I just found myself so into her that I wanted to know so much about her background and the littlest hobbies she does. About the most unimportant details, I wanted to know.
Lunch break and supposedly Ayano was with me but I left her back at the classroom, knowing how slow she takes her time in everything. Once more, I found myself alone and it felt different. It felt . . . sad, morose, or worse miserable. Indeed it was a new feeling that I was not used to have no company besides myself since I thought I have no one to rely on from the beginning. That belief was stuck in me; that I cannot smile truly, that no one really gives a damn care but after I met her a week ago, it appears that a lot in me has changed.
But my attitude, that pessimistic side seems to be still floating amidst my positivity and sometimes, like right now, it will devour me whole when I least expect it.
I snatched out my test paper, staring at it soullessly as I stand at the edge of the school rooftop. This score is a result of my half-assed effort. I never even work hard for something but I easily gain those things. What is the main point if I were to receive things without the challenge? Those half-assed works were done for nothing. Everything, like myself, are for nothing.
I ripped my test paper and threw it in the midair where the wind blew the torn pieces away. Coincidentally, my hand caught the part where the half-assed perfect grade was written. The coincidence immediately aggravated me and I crumpled the small part, ready to throw it away together with myself. Is there anything for me to live for?
I was ready to jump off, but someone had stopped me. A warm soft red scarf was smoothly wrapped around my neck as I instantly froze on my place, perplexed and shocked as I let go of the small crumbled part as it drifted away in the cold air. I did not find the need to glance back as to guess who this person is. I am overly familiar with person who owns a knitted red scarf but nevertheless, I looked to her, only to find her smiling warmly.
That warm smile that she gave me the very first time that I took interest of the girl who always sat beside me, who is very bad at studies, but can melt ones frozen façade; it is her, Ayano.
Needless to say, I started tutoring her the following week, hoping that she could catch up fast even with the make-up classes that she was enrolled in. Surprisingly, Ayano was an easy person to teach and she can easily catch up to the things that I explain to her. During the time that I tutored her, she never showed me a sign of being uninterested, which kept me going that I should demonstrates things to her more enthusiastically.
"Ahh, so that is how we should solve it" her eyes twinkled, as if she saw the most wanted thing that she ever wanted.
"Ayano, even a middle school student could answer that" I sighed.
"Is that so? I think it was hard" she smiled lopsidedly. All of a sudden, she smiled. "I never thought math. . ." the rest of her words were blurred out as I stared at Ayano, who smiles while staring down at the test sheet that I gave her to exercise her newly learnt lessons. I never sensed it myself, I smiled again.
"Shintaro?" she asked with that smile not leaving her lips.
"Nothing," I quietly laughed. "Now, let's move forward to the next subject" I said, immediately wiping of the smile.
"Eh?! Not even a short break time?"
"No" I grinned.
Before I even noticed it, Ayano has been calling me by my first name without any honorifics, but I did not really mind that. Day by day before winter vacation, we've been spending it together during lunch break, tutoring her every other day on the roof top which became our private meeting place. Every now and then, people would ask Ayano about how she befriended a person like me who is considered a cold hearted person.
But every time they call me that, she . . . gets upset and then shout at them with pure lividness.
"Nee, how did you get so close with him when all Kisaragi-san does is ignore us?"
"Yeah, it seems like he's cold hearted kind of person" agreed the girl. I kind of overheard their conversation with Ayano, but nevertheless, I remained silent, not wanting to cause an unwanted ruckus so I just sat quietly at my chair, pretending that I was looking outside the window whereas I can really hear the conversation clearly. Although they annoyed me for a moment, but I chose not to fight off.
"You don't know Shintaro. He is kind so don't spew bad things about him."
"But he ignores us-"
"Shut up! You don't know him! Shintaro!" on a reflex, I looked at her, somewhat scared yet I immediately stood up from my seat.
"H-hai?" I asked
"Let's go" and from that, she dragged me out of the classroom all the way up to the roof top. Honestly, I have never seen Ayano so angry before but what she did delights me. But she never knew that I was thankful. I never acted so straightforward to any person, let alone to her. But forever, I was grateful to her; that somewhat, even in the shortest time of our being together, she managed to make me smile and to color my life with radiant and vibrant colors that was once monochromatic.
Time flew by so fast that I did not even noticed that my most enjoyed vacation is already over. Not even once have I visited Ayano over the winter break, but the thought of doing so entered my mind every time. My thoughts of her chose no time, may it be in front of the computer, while eating or even before I sleep during the cold winter nights. I will always find myself stuck in a long reverie about her and me, spending the time together doing things that are considered irresponsible or unreasonable which means fun and free.
But I, not even once tried to visit her house. So when I entered school, for once I found myself expecting it to be . . . nice and vibrant.
Albeit my hidden cheerfulness, once I placed my bag on my desk and sat down, I noticed something different that never happened before, not even once.
Ayano was still not here.
It was unusual since she arrives earlier than me so the thought got me anxious and giddy. For once, I tried to be optimistic, however it is not considered to be one since it is just a positive thought to cover up the obviously cruel truth that will soon unravel in front of my eyes.
Sooner or later, it was bound for me to discover that something terrible had happened. At first, one would think it was just a plain illness that has fallen upon her on an unfortunately normal day. However, this day was no ordinary one. It was the time where we would see the fruits of both her and my hard work in the tutoring sessions. Although anxious and nervous, we both knew that it would branch out into something positive that we would both be so proud of, but only for me to find out that I'd be witnessing all the glory . . . by myself.
Slowly, students filed in our classroom, shadows and silhouettes of people passing by behind me as tears of desolation and misery fell down their eyes as they brought bouquets of flowers in their hand, placing it at the top of table beside my own. I am no fool to not know what is happening. I can identify the event so well, that it got me; yet my heart has yet to deny what my own eyes have witnessed. It is not that I am playing stupid but I am trying to deny the fact that she really crossed the river and grabbed the light. Or in other words, Ayano, the girl who made my life colorful, died. Her smile, her warmth, her radiance, her scarf, it all disappeared in just a blink of an eye. And now, I suddenly was not aware of what I should do with my life anymore.
Summer, and I was not even given the chance to spend this time with her. Before celebrating my reunion with my computer, we have to get through the tests that never even bothered me nor had me to flinch. It was the usual monotonous routine, rather, I was back to my dull life. What happened is just like a dream, a storm that passed by that mixed in the colors of weather in my life but then it suddenly dispersed in thin air, evaporating like nothing was there in the first place.
I woke up with no motivation, with the alarm clock ringing ludicrously loud had no effect on me at all and I did not even bother to throw it like what I always do in the mornings. Instead, I let the sound play until it stopped by itself and by the time it did, I am already fixing myself up, getting ready for another monochromatic day in school.
There are no more smiles to greet me by the entrance. That sweet smell of strawberries that her scent gave off and that flowing red scarf that brushes by my shoulder every time we talked, everything . . . gone.
I found myself back at the rooftop, gazing down at Ayano's test paper last semester that is folded into a paper crane. This piece of paper that was perfectly folded into an origami, it almost looked like she was always folding paper cranes or maybe other types of origami. On it's left wing was a score written down in red ink. Fifty-six. I can still vividly remember that day. It was vibrantly and brilliantly colored in my soul, almost like it can't be erased with strong sheds of water that is stained with pain and agony.
She wasn't listening again, her brown locks draping over her shoulders but I can clearly see her face graced with a smiling lips in the sun's ray. Her eyes were locked onto the paper on her hands, folding every corner with those delicate and smooth movements she does. I did not mind that it was her test paper, but she looked . . . beautiful, mystic or enchanted. But it was more of indescribable because mere words weren't able to fit a description of someone like her.
Tons of memories flashed before my very eyes while I'm holding the paper crane gently on my hands, indescribable emotions that once was hidden in me suddenly sprang out to life in my face. I cried, got depressed. I can almost feel the stabbing knife and it's pain pounding on my chest. Uncontrollable tears were falling down my eyes as I casually glanced at the railings of the roof top, only to find out another folded paper crane that looks torn apart. On it's left wing, a score is written in red ink, encircled and underlined in red. One hundred. IT is that paper that I tore that day when I also almost threw my life. When I glanced back at the paper cranes on my hand, I heard a voice.
Or maybe it's just my imagination. It's her voice.
"Shintaro, gomene. . . daisuki"
It whispered. Or maybe it's just the wind. But when I glanced over the railings, it feels like I just saw her shadow and her red scarf, but it instantly vanished.
Together, I left her paper crane beside mine.
~END~
Hehehe~ Toumei Answer, right~? Reviews, pretty please~ :3