"When I was a young boy, I was honest
And I had more self control
If I was tempted I would run..."
Eren wanted more. More to his life, more to his days, more in his heart. He felt empty. Day in and day out, each day was the same. Work was work. He awoke alone. His coffee always tasted the same, bitter and hot on his tongue. His life had been the same for so long, he forgot what it was like any other way. Perhaps he had never known it any other way.
"Then when I got older
I began to lie to get exactly
What I wanted, when I wanted it
And I wanted it..."
His smiles were empty. Did he truly have friends, or was his heart clouded by the glass of the wall he'd built around it? He watched his life as a spectator within his own consciousness. He could play the part. He could smile, and pretend. No one knew. No one knew how he truly felt deep inside, for he never showed anything more than the mask of someone...relatively normal, or perhaps merely the facade of what everyone wanted Eren to be. Mikasa, Armin...they wanted that boy they had always known. Troublesome Eren, friendly Eren, or even just loudmouth Eren. But that boy had grown up. His heart had changed its beating from the follies of youth, and within himself, no, it was not numbness he felt. Numbness was this normal life. Inside, he felt a hunger.
"Now, I'm having trouble
Differentiating between
What I want and what I need
To make me happy..."
He craved adventure, like an animal craved meat. He wanted something, a passion he could throw himself into without thought or reason, a flame to beat his wings against until he was nothing but ashes, dust. What was once the heart of a feisty young man had matured into something untameable, even by his own self control. He knew how he wanted to be, and so, he pretended. But the fire in his blood coursed with no direction, and as choice led to choice, he reached a point of no return.
"So instead of thinking, I just act
Before I have a chance to contemplate
The consequence of action..."
When slate grey eyes met his for the first time, it was like a spark. A brush of fingers as the Eren's daily routine was shaken in the simple form of someone new, and suddenly his coffee tasted sweeter. An ignition began of everything that had remained dormant beneath his skin for so long, and suddenly he was on fire. Was this truly him, in control of his own body? Somehow, in an irresponsible act of impulse, skin met skin, and hands found themselves moving in ways that night that they had never moved before, caressing fabric softly only to rip it, cast it aside; the soft pads of fingertips brushing delicately before digging in their nails and clawing unrestrained. Breath so hot it formed dew against their flesh ghosted over them, as lips pressed gently against lips...necks...chests...and ever lower. Eren found himself violated...dominated...but was it really so bad, when it made the fire inside him sing so exquisitely? Was he screaming, or were those moans that escaped his lips only to be captured within the mouth of another?
Was it really real? The evidence left was apparent upon his skin. For the first time, he felt satisfied...and yet somehow, more hungry than ever.
"And I will turn off and I will shut down
Burying the voices of my conscience hitting ground
And I will turn off and I will shut down
The chemicals are restless in my head..."
He couldn't help himself from wanting more. He'd tasted pleasure, stronger than any drug or dose, sweeter than any forbidden fruit. He could still feel the brush of soft hair against his collarbones, the hot brush of tongue, the bite of nails and the sting of strong hands upon his flesh. Levi. The name ran through his head obsessively. His footsteps began to taunt him with their rythm, his heart beagan to beat in those two syllables. Levi. Levi. Levi.
He hadn't been back to get his coffee, since that night, but he couldn't stay away anymore. He had to see those eyes, those eyes that would stare straight through him like they had before. He had to go back. He had to ask him just what it all meant, what was real and what was not...what could be. What could be...between them.
He received his answer with a smirk, and a phone number scrawled lazily beneath his name on the side of that green cup.
Eren. He'd never found the sight of his own name so pleasing. Then again, he'd never wanted so badly before to know that someone remembered it.
"'Cause I lie, not because I want to
But I seem to need to all the time
Yeah, I lie and I don't even know it
Maybe this is all a part of my flawed design..."
"I'm sorry, Armin. I can't go out tonight." He spoke the words quickly, hoping his friend would catch the drift. When he didn't, Eren sighed. "Why...? Uh...I just don't feel well, ya know? I...think I'm coming down with something. What? Yes, of course I'll be in class tomorrow." He hung up the phone without saying goodbye. He couldn't go out, and he wouldn't feel guilty about it. As he straitened the pillows on his couch for the thousandth time, he found himself biting his lip. Levi would be coming over. Levi. His Levi. Levi who did such lovely things with his fingers, who had just that way with his tongue...Levi, who somehow without ever having to ask, knew just what to do to make Eren lose his mind...
Eren sincerely hoped that by the end of the night, the couch would be anything but tidy.
"And ever since I figured out
That I could control other people
I've had trouble sleeping
With both eyes closed..."
"I...I can't make it to class today. Do you think you could take notes for me? I'll...pay you back." Eren propped the phone against his ear with his shoulder, both his hands lingering upon the hips of his lover. Levi was watching him with that smirk, those piercing eyes that told him that no matter what, he wouldn't be going anywhere without permission. "Thank you so much, you're the best." The phone fell to the floor, and Eren didn't even take the time to hit 'end' himself. Armin had already hung up, what did it matter? He couldn't exactly pry himself loose when Levi was wrapping his fingers tightly around Eren's shoulders, pushing him down to the mattress and holding him there without any hope of escape. If he hadn't already been naked, the look in Levi's eyes would have left him feeling just as exposed. Teeth met his neck and he gasped, his grip on Levi's waist tightening, grinding their hips together. Teeth bit harder down. He couldn't take it anymore. He wanted nothing more than for this man to eat him alive.
No, he definitely wouldn't be going to class today.
"And if I asked permission
If I make sure it's okay
I promise I won't slip up this time
You can trust me..."
"Eren, you failed! You failed this entire semester, and for what? Some stupid fling? Get a grip."
"I...I'm sorry. I'll try harder next time, I swear." Even he knew the words were empty, but he said them with as much earnestness as he could muster. Mikasa slammed the door in his face, and he felt the wind from it flutter his hair. Whatever. He didn't care. He could re-take the class. It wasn't like any of it really mattered.
No, nothing mattered. Nothing but Levi. He was under the spell of lust, of need...and nothing would stand in the way of Levi's hold upon his heartstrings, wrapped around his finger.
"But never take advice from someone
Who just admitted to being devious
Who just confessed to treason..."
"I love you, Eren." The words fell like honey upon thorns, as Eren arched his back, crying out. He couldn't catch his breath. Was he in pain, or ecstasy? If Levi loved him, why was their love so complicated? But there had never been a question, never, from day one. Those eyes held him captivated. Those hands may have held him down, but it was those words that held him truly hostage...to his own desires. He wanted it to be real. He wanted, and so, he believed.
"I...love you too..." He gasped out through ragged breath as hips pounded into his. He saw stars in his vision. His hands clawed at the sheets. "Le...vi..."
"And I would also never ask a question
That I cannot ask myself
For it might dirty up your conscience..."
Did obsession equal love? Did it really matter, as long as he felt satisfied? The beast inside him purred as he lay on his side, warmth pooled inside him. His back was to Levi, and Levi's back was to him, but their skin still touched, and where it did it sizzled. Levi was a quiet sleeper, but Eren found that sleep escaped him. Why? He didn't know. Or perhaps, he didn't want to.
"'Cause I lie, not because I want to
But I seem to need to all the time
Yeah, I lie and I don't even know it
Maybe this is all a part of my flawed design..."
Eren told himself it was perfect, it was love. Levi spoke, and he drank the words like the sweetest elixir. Levi ordered, and he followed his demands like a devoted soldier to his captain. But as he closed his eyes and drank, swallowed...the wine of the forbidden fruit tasted more bitter than he remembered.
I love him. Eren thought, and the words rang almost true. He loves me.
Eren closed his eyes to the truth, and drank.
"And how can you say those things
Why can't you just believe
And how can you say those things
And keep a straight face..."
"What do you mean, 'we don't date?'" Eren's voice was raised, but more out of emotion than anger. "We're dating. We're lovers. We've been together for a whole year, and we've never been on a proper date. Just...let me take you to dinner."
Levi was frowning at him, more seriously than usual, and when his eyes met Eren's they were colder than before. "Eren, I think you're misunderstanding."
"Misunder-?" Eren interrupted, only to be interrupted himself. Levi's words bit like ice.
"I fuck you, Eren. We aren't dating, and we aren't serious. It's just that, and only that. We don't go on dates."
"But...you said you love me. Don't you want to...for once, just..." Eren's hands balled into fists. His blood felt hot. Was he angry, or embarrassed? Or was he afraid? Why was his heart beating out of time? "I want the world to know that I love you!" He yelled finally. He squeezed his eyes shut. He didn't want to see that look on Levi's face. He didn't want to hear the words that came next. He didn't want to hear that truth.
"Well, I don't."
"And I will turn off and I will shut down
Burying the voices of my conscience hitting ground
And I will turn off and I will shut down
The chemicals are restless in my head."
Levi's skin met his once more, and this time the fire felt like just that- fire. Eren was consumed by it, conflagrating his mind and body. Fire, as he was invaded, fire where teeth tore his skin, fire where nails left bleeding marks down his back, and finally, fire inside him, a fire that remained there long after Levi had pulled out of him, re-dressed himself and left. Eren felt exhausted, consumed. The beast inside him was hungry again, and he felt like gnawing his own leg off. He wasnted to escape. From the pain in his heart. From the pleasure that he was suddenly unsure if he had ever felt to begin with.
He felt like a lie.
Hello! I honestly can say, I have no idea where this came from, except that I was listening to Pandora, and then POOF it's four a.m. and I'm finishing up...this. I'm sure it's not my best but...it works well as a character study of Eren and Levi in a modern day relationship, I suppose. Boy, am I bad at writing healthy relationships, haha. Please review!
Oh, and I DO NOT own those wonderfully angsty song lyrics, they belong to the awesomeness that is Stabilo. The song is called "Flawed Design."