Cameron Hutchcraft
English
10/13/18
Baer
Michael V.S Emails
It was eight o'clock in the morning on a cold fall Scanton day and everyone has just taken their coats off andsettled into their desks to start the day. However, before anyone had the time to drink their coffee or log into their computers David Wallace entered the office.
"Good Morning everyone, I came here this morning to congratulate you all on being the only branch to not have any customer complaints for a whole month." Dwight instantly stood up to shake David's hand.
"David thank you it means alot I know I was the main person who contributed to this achievement due to my amazing customer service and relationships."
David shook Dwight's hand and was about to tell Dwight that it takes every sales representative to not have any complaints, but Pam cut into the conversation.
"David I think you should really congratulate Kevin, we told him at the beginning of the month to figure out the best way to solve customer email complaints and whatever he did is what made this branch complaint free."
David was intrigued and asked Kevin,
"And what exactly did you do Kevin to make this happen?"
Kevin put down his party size bag of powdered donuts and replied to David with puffs of powdered sugar floating in the air,
"I made it so all of the complaint emails went directly to the trash folder."
*Que Office Theme Music*
After hearing the upsetting and unfortunate predicament, David met with Michael in his office.
"Michael, due to Kevin's idea of sending all the customer complaint emails to the trash it shows me you really do not care about your customers."
Michael put down his bobblehead and looked David in the eye and told him,
"David I care very deeply about our customers. I care for them like they are my baby birds who I must feed with paper and whenever they open their little beaks I fulfill their needs. I care for them every day so that we do not have many complaints from our baby birds."
David sat down and reasonably said,
"Okay Michael I feel like you might be right. If the emails that are in that folder are less than 10 then I will not bring this up again okay?"
Michael agreed wholeheartedly and opened up his computer. He found the file where Kevin had directly sent the emails to and opened it. Michael looked at it. And looked at it. And looked at it again with the face of almost constipation and anger.
"So how many emails are there Michael?" Michael turned to David and coughed under his breath,
"Seventy-two."
David heard it anyway.
"Seventy-two! Michael! You have avoided seventy-two emails for the entire month and you think you care for your customers?! Why does this have to be so hard Michael?"
"That's what she said," Michael tried to make the situation less tense. David did not care for Michael's comment and told him what he expected, "Michael you have till the end of the day to fix at least three email complaints." Michael asked David, "So make the email complaint folder down to only sixty-nine emails?"
David confirmed to Michael that that was what he wanted.
"Sixty-nine sounds perfect to me," said Michael with a charming smirk.
Michael recruited Andy to help him fix a complaint concerning a customer who had a long list of grievances against Kelly.
"Alright Andy we need to go over this email together, read the complaints, and figure out how we can solve the issue."
Andy was super excited, but was more excited that they were not going over the email complaint titled Andy Bernard sexually harassed my dog.
The email concerning Kelly was titled Kelly started complaining about her ex and how much she missed the sex. The complaint referred to Kelly talking to a customer about paper and then how the topic changed to talking about marriage papers and then Kelly went on a rant for 3 hours talking about how much of a jerk and unloving Ryan was to her but how much she loved the public display of affection he gave her and how amazing he was at sex and how much she missed him. She apparently continued to sob and cry her eyes out about it for another 30 minutes.
Michael and Andy looked at eachother and thought for a second and then Andy said,
"Do you really think Ryan is that good at sex?"
Michael responded, "Sounds like the sex is better than our paper, do you think we should offer Ryan to this woman?"
Andy considered it but then made the adult decision,
"We should probably just not have Kelly do any more customer calls." Michael agreed.
The next email Michael and Andy looked at was titled Slow Delivery. The email complaint stated how the warehouse delivery men were very slow and very lazy when it came to delivering their paper packages. Michael and Andy decided to pay the warehouse a visit to hopefully confront the team and solve the issue at hand. Michael walked over to Darryl,
"Darryl we have gotten many complaints about your delivery team being very sluggish and lazy when delivering packages. Therefore, I have decided to have a twenty minute speed delivery obstacle training for your team."
Darryl was about to tell Michael how absurd he was being but Michael interrupted and started directing the warehouse staff.
"Alright everyone please come here! This exercise is to test your speed and agility when it comes to delivering packages."
Michael went on to instruct them on how they would fix the issue. The test consisted of running 3 laps around the warehouse while carrying a package in under 2 minutes. For the last test they had to carry a package over a ladder, under a shelf and around a barking dog. This went on for twenty minutes.
Andy kept screaming at them, "Faster Faster Faster!"
Michael whispered in Andy's ear, "That's what she said."
Michael and Andy walked back upstairs to Michael's office to pick one last email to solve for the day. They scrolled through the list and saw twelve emails sent on the same day all complaining about Dwight. One was titled Dwight started calling me an unqualified paper customer. Another was called Dwight acts like a Russian Dictator. Andy and Michael decided to bring Dwight into the room to discuss these complaints with him.
"Dwight we have received around twelve email complaints concerning the way you talk to your customers."
Dwight was appalled by the words of Michael and instantly refuted him.
"Michael I have never turned down a customer, I have devoted my life to this company and I give my heart and soul to my customers."
Michael believed Dwight and asked him what they should do about the complaints.
Dwight suggested, "Give me the email address and I will find out who is responsible for these false complaints."
All three of the guys looked at the email address which was dwightcanttakeajoke . Michael and Andy were very confused of the email address, but Dwight knew who did this.
"JIM!" Dwight ran over to Jim's desk and interrogated Jim.
Dwight was furious, "I know you sent those emails from your fake address."
Jim laughed and said to Dwight, "Yes I did it to prove a point, you can't take a joke."
It was almost five in the evening when Michael and Andy finished settling the last real email complaint about Meredith buying drugs from a customer's son.
Michael sighed and fell into his office chair, "Andy, I don't know what the point of fixing all of these stupid complaints when they are not hurting our profits or our sales."
Andy agreed and said, "How about we just do not worry about the complaints?"
Their profits had not changed with this complaints being fixed or not being fixed.
"What if we find a way that shows David Wallace we are working to fix the email complaints but not actually fixing the complaints?"
Andy thought about this statement from Michael and came up with an idea.
The next brisk frosted morning David Wallace called into the office to recap with Michael.
"Okay Michael I hope you have fixed those problems and have found a way to fix future complaints."
Michael firmly and confidently responded, "Yes David, I have found a fantastic way so the emails will be responded to as soon as they come in and taken care of." David was thankful and told him he would check in soon.
"So how did you fix the issue Michael?" asked Pam.
Michael grinned and explained to them how when they receive an email, an automated system will reply saying how the office will fix the issue as soon as possible. But in no way will they say when that will be.
Michael lastly told pam, "But in all reality we won't do anything but instead just make them think we are doing something."