A/N Before we begin, I have a few things to note. The characters here are really quite out of character. I mostly blame Karkat's OOCness off of the idea that since he's so old he lost a lot of the immaturity he usually displays. For Eridan, I genderbent him for the sake of plot here and for my own personal reasons which brings me to my next point. This story overall is loosely, and I mean incredibly loosely, based off of my own emotions and experiences, but they still hit close to home for me, so if you critique this, please be gentle with me. I do want feedback, but please don't be hurtful. I don't own Homestuck or it's characters.
We'd run by his house. Old Man Vantas we called him.
"Fuck off!" He'd shout over his fading picket fence when we drew with our chalk and played hopscotch in his driveway.
At first we were alarmed by this response, but we learned that he simply operated that way. Shouting at everyone and perpetually angry at everything and nothing all at the same time.
"Fuck off!" Day after day as we sat on the stretch of sidewalk in front of his house, but slowly the rest of the kids stopped coming. Stopped drawing with chalk and playing hopscotch. In the end it was just me. It was always just me.
Eventually, the "fuck off" he habitually issued me became accompanied, not by a scowl, but an almost endearing smirk.
One day, as I was riding my bike by the old man's house, I found him leaning over on his driveway with a can of red spray paint. On my ride back I saw a spray painted hopscotch court and the words "FUCK OFF" written above it. I smiled as I parked my bike by his fence. I stood in the hopscotch squares and jumped from box to box, my pigtails bouncing with every step.
Soon enough Old Man Vantas came out of his front door, easing himself down onto his porch, joints creaking.
"Fuck off," He said with a weary smile.
I giggled and picked up my bike and rode back home.
The next week on the way home from school I made the same stop this time with a friend of mine, her name was Feferi.
"Ah, Eridan," Old Man Vantas said as he opened the door while I played hopscotch on his driveway, "I see you've brought me another stupid hooligan to fuck around on my driveway."
Feferi gave me a nervous look. I smiled at her, "That's just how-w he is."
"What's how I am?" He demanded scowling at me, though with a playful glint in his eyes, "You're the brat who dicks around on my driveway every day, I have a right to be mad."
I began to laugh and stutter through my sentences, "You're the one w-who painted the hopscotch court on your dri-w-ew-way."
"You little shit," he said smirking at me.
"You old fool!"
"Who're you calling a fool?"
"You!"
Feferi began to loosen up and laugh with us like her usual self, all bubbly and talkative.
"So, Feferi, is it?"
"Yes, sir," She said with a nod and asmile.
Old Man Vantas turned to look at me, "See, she calls me 'sir' why don't you do that, fuckass?"
"Because that's not as fun to say as Old Man W-antas."
"Vantas, shithead."
I crossed my arms at him, "You know-w I can't do W-ees."
"Well, if you can't do V's how about you call me Karkat?"
Feferi giggled, "Why would she call you 'car cat?'"
"Because it's my name, fucker."
"But I still prefer Old Man W-antas,"I teased
"Fine, whatever the fuck you want." He waved his hands about the air, shooing us back to the hopscotch court.
Feferi and my visits became routine as the school year passed and when summer came we'd spend hours playing hopscotch on Old Man Vantas' driveway or just sitting in the shade of the house talking and playing hand games. Sometimes he'd bring us lemonade, but only if we weren't "Being complete little shits."
School came round again and we returned to our afterschool routine, only as the years passed, we played hopscotch less and less and did homework, or just talked, more and more.
Soon enough Elementary school ended and on the first day of middle school I walked the opposite direction to get to the new school. I immediately decided that, no matter whether his house was on my route to and from school or not, I would still visit Old Man Vantas after school every day, and I did.
The first day I walked to his house and sat on his porch doing my assignments, he came outside and asked me about my day, what classes and teachers I like, and I answered him with glee. The school year looked to be a good one. But a lot can change in a month.
As I ran back from school at the end of the first month, rubbing my face in my scarf, I passed my house and ran directly to Old Man Vantas', tears streaming down my face. I pounded on the door.
"Old Man Vantas!" I called through the door.
"What the fuck do you want, Eridan!?" He shouted as he opened the door with a mischievous grin, but his jaw dropped when he saw me.
He ushered me inside. I'd never actually been inside his house before. The walls were covered with posters of movies, plays, musicals, TV shows, Radio Shows, you name it.
"What happened?" He asked with an uncharacteristic, though comforting sincerity. He pulled me to his chest in a tight embrace.
"I hate middle school!" I pulled away from the hug, "I hate Fef! I hate my teachers! I hate Cronus! I hate this scarf!" I ripped it from my neck and threw it on the floor, "I hate my glasses!" I cast them down alongside the scarf, "I hate my pigtails," I ripped out my hair ties, and a clump of hair with them, "and I hate my stutter!" I collapsed down onto the floor.
Old Man Vantas put a hand on my shoulder, "Why do you hate all that?"
"No one likes me! Everyone just pokes fun at me and how-w I stutter and w-wear a scarf in the summer and haw-e to w-wear glasses and can't see three feet w-without them. Fef just left me. She doesn't w-want to be my friend anymore. She hangs out w-with all the 'cool kids' now-w. She doesn't w-want to be associated w-with a loser like me. She left me all alone! I don't w-want to be alone. I can't be alone."
He hugs me tighter, shushing me softly, "It's gonna be okay Eridan, it's gonna be alright. You're not alone, you've got me, and you've got your brother."
"Cronus doesn't care. He just goes out all the time leaw-ing me home all alone. I'm so tired of being alone, Karkat, I don't w-want to be alone anymore."
"I know, but you don't have to be alone, you're always welcome here," He said as he picked up my scarf wrapping it around my neck again and cleaned my glasses, placing them carefully back on my face.
It wasn't until that moment that I noticed an old woman with short hair and a red skirt standing in the hallway.
I bolted upright.
"Is this your w-wife?" I asked wiping my tears away with my sweater sleeve.
The woman chuckled and Old Man Vantas burst out laughing.
"What?"
The woman spoke up, "No, dear, I'm not his wife."
"Eridan, I'm gay," He said to me.
"Oh!" I looked down at my feet in embarrassment, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to assume I just-"
The woman cut me off, "It's quite alright, dear. It's an easy mistake to make. I'm his sister."
"Might as well be my mother," Old Man Vantas muttered.
"I heard that," the lady said, "I'm Kanaya."
I sniffled my nose and held out my hand, "I'm Eridan, it's nice to meet you."
She took it and shook it with her wrinkled old fingers, "What a lady."
"If only she were lady-like to me," Old Man Vantas chuckled, "Little shit's never nice like that to me."
Kanaya fixed him with a stern, motherly glare, "You likely aren't very gentlemanly to her."
I laughed, and that day became one I would remember and hold onto for a long time. That day I wasn't alone. That day, in that room, with those people, I was happy.
Middle school dragged on and when I made it to high school Feferi began to talk to me again.
She talked to me about how she missed being little and visiting Old Man Vantas with me, and this boy she met over the summer named Sollux, and how they'd been dating for about a month. I felt a pang in my chest. This Sollux guy, who'd only known her for a month or two, already had more of her than I did, and I'd known her since the first grade. As she babbled on about this, that, and the other I caught myself staring at her lips.
I glanced away, my face growing red.
"So how have you been, Eridan?" She asked as I tried to discreetly hide my blush in my scarf.
"Oh, uh, I guess I'm okay for the most part."
"Have you met any cute buoys?" she asked wiggling her eyebrows.
"Ah, w-well, depends, do you mean, haw-e I seen any? Or Haw-e I interacted w-with any?"
"Either!" She said with a smile.
"W-well… actually, I don't think I haw-e met any cute boys, lately."
"Oh you're no fin," She said crossing her arms at me.
"Oh, I'm plenty of fun," I replied with the same crossed arms, "I just- I guess I haven't really been looking." I thought about it on the way back from school. I really hadn't thought about any boys this summer, or ever for that matter, but I did think about Fef constantly.
I walked to Old Man Vantas' house and told him that I'd run into Feferi.
"Oh? How is that bitch-queen-from-hell-who-left-you-on-your-own doing?"
"She's not a bitch-queen-from-hell, and she's fine," I twiddled my thumbs. I knew I shouldn't be nervous. This was Old Man Vantas, he'd been more of a guardian for me than Cronus.
He looked up from his book, "Hey, what's got you so fucking twitchy?"
I pulled at my scarf, "Um, Old Man Vantas?"
He pulled down his reading glasses, "Yes?"
"W-when… w-when did you, ah, know-w that you w-were, um, gay?"
Old Man Vantas closed his book and leaned forward in though, "1943. I was 14 and I fell in love with my best friend Gamzee. It was terrifying at first, especially with society back then being all conservative and 'oh being homosexual was bad' and shit, also the war was still going on and everyone was scared of just about everything, but I found out Gamzee was not exactly opposed to the idea, so we were together in secret for about a two years, but the stress of it all got to be too much and he... left. I didn't find anyone again because I was scared shitless of what could happen, and well, now I'm too old to be attractive to anyone who would even consider, and most people my age, including me, aren't looking."
"Karkat?"
"Yes, Eridan?"
"I think I might be lesbian."
"No shit, Sherlock?"
I smiled.
The year passed and I came out to Fef, she simply smiled and hugged me, "I don't care whether or not you're lesbian, Eridan. And it was terribubble of me to abandon you in middle school for somefin that didn't even matter."
I had yet to tell Cronus, but that was less a matter of nerves and more finding the time to tell him.
By the time I'd reached sophomore year I found myself dating a girl named Vriska Serket. I honestly did not know what she saw in me, but she was beautiful, and smart, and popular, and an amazing kisser. When I told Old Man Vantas, he'd smiled and congratulated me, but added a "that fucker better treat you right."
One day after school after we'd been dating for a little more than a month, I asked her to walk home with me. She'd accepted with a nod of her head and a kiss on my cheek. I walked with her to Old Man Vantas' house, which I now considered more my home than the little rental house Cronus and I lived in.
When she walked through the door, he greeted her with a warm smile and a "Fuck off."
I laughed, but Vriska stood there unsure of what just happened.
We entered the house and Vriska sat down on the couch and pulled out her phone. I sat down at the table across from Old Man Vantas and set up my homework while he pulled out a book. We spent the evening in comfortable silence, except for the clicking away on Vriska's phone and pencil strokes on paper.
As I walked Vriska home I explained to her that Old Man Vantas had been a bigger part of my life than anyone I'd ever known.
As we stood on her doorstep, she turned around to me and asked, "Hey, would you like to come inside for a bit?"
I shrugged, then smiled, and promptly followed her in.
The moment the door closed behind me she pinned me up against it pressing her mouth violently against mine. I let out a surprised squeak. A bold of electricity shot through me and I melted into her.
"Do you mind- maybe- taking this- a bit- further?" She asked between breaths and biting my lips and shoving her tongue down my throat.
I froze up. I wanted to, absolutely, but I was so young and inexperienced, I'd probably end up making a fool of myself.
I considered for a moment then nodded hesitantly. She dragged me up the stairs to, what I assumed was, her bedroom. She straddled my hips and laid kiss after kiss down my neck and chewed at the neckline to my sweater. I sat up a bit to take it off. She pulled it over my head and continued to drag her mouth down to my collarbones and proceeded to unhook the back of my bra. It fell loose and I shimmied it off. She moved her mouth lower and lower to the point at which she was nearly to my nipples. As she took one in her mouth I expected to feel a surge of pleasure, and let out a moan in anticipation, but no such pleasure came.
While she sucked at my breast and played with the other nipple I was overcome with a feeling of guilt. Why couldn't I be pleasured by her clear efforts? If anything my breasts only felt a bit irritated. She moved down to my pant line and pulled the zipper of my pinstriped pants down with her teeth. She looked up at me asking permission to proceed. I bit my lip and slowly nodded my head. Maybe I just needed to keep moving.
She dove eagerly back in and pulled down both layers of clothing. She pressed a finger against my opening and, though it didn't feel like anything really, I let out a moan, mostly just to make her think I was enjoying this. I couldn't let her think that it was her fault that my body was so fucked up. She pushed the finger in, and moved it around. Still nothing, though I continued to squeak and plea for her. She licked the entrance and I moaned louder, wishing I could feel something. Anything. Eventually, she worked out a rhythm that I tried to keep in time with and remember to make little sounds to please her.
About halfway through she looked up at me.
"Are you alright?"
"Fine," I replied, only partially lying.
"You're not even wet," She remarked.
I let out a defeated sigh, "I know-w."
She stood up in a huff, "you're not even turned on by me!"
"No, I sw-wear! You're the most beautiful, smart, fun, incredible girl I'w-e ew-er met. I w-wanted this, so much, it's just-"
"Wanted!?"
"I mean w-want! I w-want this! I don't know-w w-what's w-wrong w-with me!"
She opened the door.
"Get out."
"W-what?"
"I said GET OUT!" she shouted.
"I'm sorry!" I pleaded, "I'm sorry I couldn't enjoy it. I'm sorry that I apparently can't get off on anything or anyone, because I'm fucked up."
She just pointed to the door again. I could see her eyes begin to water. I quickly pulled up my pants and hooked my bra back on. As I put my top back on she shoved me out the door of her room and slammed it behind me. I could hear sobs from across the door.
I hurried out the front door.
That was when I became disgusted with my body.
Again I found myself crying into Old Man Vantas' arms as he stroked the back of my head.
"I don't w-want to be a girl, Old Man W-antas. I fucking hate being a girl. Karkat, I don't w-want to be me anymore. I fucking hate me! I fuck ew-erything up!"
"Don't hate yourself, Eridan. Never hate yourself. You don't fuck everything up."
"Name one fucking thing!"
"Me."
I fell silent.
"You didn't fuck me up."
"You probably don't need me around. Cronus would be better off without me. I make ew-erything w-worse for ew-eryone else."
"No, Eridan," Old Man Vantas said, cupping my head in his wrinkled hands, "I'm 84 years old now, I'd lost my will to live before I met you. I was approaching the suicidal mark. The only thing keeping me from doing it was that it would hurt Kanaya. Then I met you. You gave me a reason to live again. Don't you dare hate yourself. Hate your gender all you want, but never for a single fucking millisecond hate you. You're a daughter to me. Or a son if you'd prefer."
I cried into his turtleneck, "I love you, Karkat."
He hugged me back to his chest and let out a soft sob, "I love you, too, Eridan."
When he let me go he asked me, "Are you serious about the gender thing?"
I bit my lip and nodded.
"Okay. You come back tomorrow and we'll talk about it, but you really need to get home now. It's fucking late. "
I agreed and walked back to my house and headed straight to bed.
The next day at school was hell. Vriska had told everyone about our failed sex and how I was terrible because apparently I'd 'lied' to her, or I'd 'tricked' her or I'd 'manipulated' her. I found death threats in my locker and people openly assaulted me in the hallways. A PE teacher had stepped in once, but the rest of the times I was shoved up against a wall and either beaten to a pulp or violently kissed with hands roaming places I didn't want them as I flailed and tried to escape. I didn't see Vriska all day . I could understand that she felt hurt, but this was torture on both a physical and psychological level.
The instant the bell rang, I bolted from the school to Old Man Vantas' house, despite the bruises on my… everywhere.
When he opened the door for me to see a kid beaten black and blue he ushered me in and began tending to my bruises and cuts.
"Who fucking did this shit?" He asked.
"Ew-erybody."
"Why?"
"W-riska. She- she told people about… last night and now-w the w-whole school hates me."
He nodded, then stood up and walked into the kitchen picking up the phone.
As I sat incapacitated on the couch I could hear him shouting.
"I don't care what the fuck you think, you will get your ass down here and fucking apologize to her, this instant or I will personally hunt you the fuck down and make sure you feel what she is fucking feeling!"
A silence.
"Yes. I know I'm an old decrepit man, but I swear, I will make your life a living hell if you do not come over and see what the fuck you've done."
He hung up. I laid on the couch still.
"You didn't have to do that," I whispered.
"Yes. I did."
He sat down on the couch, lifting my head into his lap, and he sang to me.
Karkat, Old Man, Vantas sang to me. A gruff sound from shouting, but full and rich.
"You didn't have to look my way
Your eyes still haunt me to this day," He started.
I laughed, "I didn't know you were into Steam Powered Giraffe."
"Hey, shut up for a second and let me sing to you, fucker."
He cleared his throat.
"But you did, yes you did
You didn't have to say my name
Ignite my circuits and start a flame,
But you did
Oh turpentine race me home,
'Cause I don't want to live my life alone
While I was waiting for you all my life
Oh all of my-y life
Set me free
My honeybee
Honeybee."
He opened his mouth to start the next verse, but I cut him off.
"You didn't have to smile at me
Your grin's the sweetest that I've ever seen,
But you did
Yes you-"
There was a knocking at the door. Old Man Vantas stood up and placed my head back down onto the couch and opened the door. Vriska Serket walked in, face blank and unreadable. Old Man Vantas glared at her with more venom than I knew a man of his age could, as she entered. She walked in and looked down at me in my purple and blue glory.
She sneered a bit, but muttered a quick, "I'm sorry." And turned to leave.
Honestly, I couldn't tell if she was sorry or not. She seemed to show a little bit of remorse in her eyes, but her tone of voice definitely didn't reflect it.
As she left the house a cold air settled over the room.
Old Man Vantas walked back into the kitchen and made a couple calls which I couldn't quite make out. When he re-entered the living room he sat down next to me with a laptop.
"First order of business," He said looking at me, "You're staying the night here, you don't look well enough to move and I'm not strong enough to carry you. Second, you are abso-fucking-lutely not going to school tomorrow, and third, let's do some research."
I cocked an eyebrow at him, "What kind of research?"
He flicked my nose, "I didn't forget about your wanting to not be a girl, so I figured, let's figure out everything you don't want to be, and work from there."
He typed on his laptop with his old sausage-y fingers.
By the end of the night I had gained a lot of new vocabulary.
Genderqueer, transsexual, transgender, transvestite, trigendered, non-binary, binary, agendered, hermaphrodite, Androgyne, Bigender. I had no idea what fit me. I had no idea there were so many options. I had no idea some of these even existed. I was more than a little overwhelmed.
Old Man Vantas glanced at me, "Does any of this feel like it's clicking?"
I shrugged, "I don't know-w, it all seems ow-erly complicated, I just don't w-want to be a girl. It fucking sucks."
Old Man Vantas closed his laptop, "Maybe we should be done for tonight."
I nodded and curled up on the couch. He stood and walked off somewhere else, and just before I drifted off to sleep I felt a blanket thrown on me, and a light kiss on my forehead.
The days passed and I just tried to survive the year. Old Man Vantas helped me day in and day out, asking me, "So you don't want that. Then what the fuck do you want?"
At some point during winter break I sat at the table playing a game of chess with Old Man Vantas.
As he took my bishop I asked him, "W-would you be w-willing to cut my hair?"
He chuckled, "I have a feeling that I'd fuck up your hair so badly you'd be wearing a hat for months."
I snickered, "Yeah I suppose that's true."
"I might be able to beg Kanaya, though, if you really want."
"That w-would be great."
The next day when I walked back from the hellhole known as high school, Old Man Vantas sat with Kanaya on the couch. When I walked in Kanaya smiled and stood, leading me into the kitchen.
"How have you been, Eridan?"
I shrugged and set my bag down in the entryway, "Been better, been worse."
She pulled up a chair, humming, and picked up a little case. She opened it to reveal a smock and array of scissors and razors.
She sat me down in the chair and wrapped the smock around my neck.
"How short do you want your hair?" She asked, wetting a comb and running her fingers through my hair.
"I don't really know-w, just really short."
Kanaya sighed, "Okay, I guess I'll just keep taking off more and more until it's the length you want."
She combed through my hair with the wet comb and began to snip away at the ends of my hair. As she neared my neckline she began to slow, but kept cutting away pieces of black hair.
"Stop."
My hair couldn't have been longer than two inches. In the front it hung down to around my brow-line and in the back down to the base of my neck.
"Can you make it a little shorter in the back?"
Kanaya proceeded to cut it shorter and once it reached a satisfactory length, she ran the razor up the back evening out all the hair, and then along the sides, until I had a sort of pixie cut.
When she held up a mirror for me I smiled. Hair dangling a little lower in front than back. I unhooked the Velcro in the back of the smock and whipped around, giving Kanaya a hug around the waist, "Thank you."
She patted the back of my head, "Of course, Eridan."
When I arrived back at my house, Cronus gave me an odd look, but shrugged it off. I stopped him before he retreated back into his room.
"Cronus?"
"Yeah? VWhat's eatin' ya? Does it hawve to do vwith that sick haircut you got there?"
I nodded.
"Vwell, Vwhat is it?"
I took a breath, "I- I'm lesbian."
He shrugged, "This is nevws?"
"That's not all."
"Really? If this is about that girl you vwere mackin' on that's also old nevws."
"You knew-w about that!?"
"Yeah. I'm not a complete idiot if you'd care to notice."
"W-why didn't you do something!?"
"About vwhat? You dating?"
"Oh. Then you don't have the w-whole story."
"There's a story? Vwell, fuck."
"Just shut up for a sec, Cro."
He made a gesture like zipping his lips.
"I, ah, w-well. W-we tried to haw-e sex one night, and, ah, w-well, it did not blow-w ow-er w-well and It ended w-with me feeling like shit, and her feeling like shit, and then her making other people treat me like shit at school."
"Oh. I- I'm sorry, sis."
I cringed at the word, "That's another thing, the w-whole reason the… the sex didn't go w-well is because I… I couldn't get anything."
"Vwait, vwhat? I mean, I don't vwant to seem like a perwve by asking about your sex life, but vwhat the hell do you mean?"
"I- I couldn't orgasm, or even get, ah... pleasure out of it, so she thought I lied to her about lo- Liking her. I did some research, because I decided I didn't w-want to be a girl anymore. Cronus, I w-want to be a boy."
He stood there in silence for a bit opening and closing his mouth. I could feel it coming, the rejection. I'd be kicked out of the house, but at least I could go live with Old Man Vantas.
"Okay."
I looked up at Cronus, "W-what?"
"I said okay, si- bro. I can't do anything medical though 'cause vwe're barely scraping by as it is."
I smiled and threw my arms around him, "Thanks, Cro."
"No problem, Eridan. And I knovw I'm a dick sometimes, and I'm sorry for that."
"Yeah, you are a dick, but apology accepted."
At school, kids continued to harass me in the hallways. Sometimes they'd try to stop me after school, but I generally managed to make it to Old Man Vantas' house quick enough after the bell rang.
A year passed in this matter and my hair grew out to the point at which I had to gel it back to keep it out of my eyes. By the end of that year I'd asked every one of my teachers to start calling me by male pronouns.
When I found myself in my senior year, I joined the Roots & Shoots club and in the springtime we hosted a Senior citizen prom.
Old Man Vantas smiled when I mentioned it to him, and asked if he would like to go.
"Maybe," he said, "It all depends on the fuckass I'd take."
On the night of the Prom Old Man Vantas showed up with a wallet sized black and white photo of a young man with crazy black hair and, what appeared to be, white face paint. He tucked the picture into his coat pocket and danced with random strangers, offering more polite greetings than usual.
Later that night I asked who the picture was of.
"This is my Gamzee," He explained with a faint smile upon his face, "The fucker really was quite the clown. I wish he could've met you, even if you are a little shit." He ruffled my hair and I snickered at him.
"Do you know-w w-where he is now-w?"
His smile fell a bit, "He's three blocks from here."
"Really? Which house is he in?"
"Sunset Cemetery."
"Oh. I'm sorry."
"Don't be, it was a long time ago, I've come to terms with it."
"If you don't mind, w-what happened?"
Old Man Vantas leaned forwards a bit, resting his chin on top of his hands, he began to explain, "Gamzee was a few years older than me, and had been sent to fight in the war. When he came back he had severe PTSD. He'd get terrible nightmares and thrash around, anyone within a five foot radius of him could easily be injured. I could generally calm him down, but one time I guess he couldn't take it anymore. I found him. He killed himself. No warning, no note, except for his weird little smiley faces and the word 'honk' in his terrible handwriting."
Old Man Vantas' eyes had begun to water. He seemed so much more frail. I hooked an arm around his shoulders.
"Thank you, Eridan."
The end of senior year, the day after graduation, which Old Man Vantas had attended, I walked over to his house and opened the door to find him sitting on his ratty old couch, his face stained with tears, shaking.
I dropped my bag immediately and ran to him, clutching his shoulders and held the fragile old man to my chest.
"She's gone," He muttered, "She's really gone."
I shushed him, stroking through his sparse gray hair.
"Kanaya."
I stopped.
"W-what?"
He shook his head, "Kanaya."
He repeated her name over and over again.
"Kanaya, please. I don't want to be alone. She- she left me."
It finally sunk in. Tears began to well up in my eyes.
"W-what do you mean?"
"Kanaya left, Eridan. She's gone. I- I don't want to be alone."
I rubbed little circles on his back. Kanaya passed away.
"You're not alone, Karkat," I whispered into his hair, "You'll always have me."
He clung meekly to my sweater.
I attended her funeral. It was elegant, and warm, despite the solemnity of the situation, just like her. Warm, motherly, kind, elegant, thoughtful, understanding. Just. Kanaya.
Old Man Vantas sat for hours on end by his fireplace every day, mourning for his sister. I made sure he ate, and slept, and moved, but he didn't smile anymore. Never even told me to fuck off. He'd finally begun healing when College began.
I left for California to study the arts. I called him every night, no matter the homework load. On my breaks I'd visit him before everyone else and after everyone else.
One night in the middle of April, I'd called to tell him I'd gotten a better paying job and might be able to start on hormone therapy next year, but he didn't pick up.
I called Cronus.
"Vwell," he'd said, "I'll go check on the old coot."
The next day he called me back.
"W-what?" I asked in a state of numbness.
He repeated himself.
"I'm so sorry, Eri."
I understood the words but my brain refused to process them. My roommate came running down the hall. I wondered why. What was that noise? Oh. I was screaming... And shaking. Oh. I just threw my phone on the ground. Oh. I'm on the ground, too.
A hand rubbed my back and an urgent voice asking what happened and if I was okay.
I most definitely was not okay. I thought my heart would shrink into nothingness, as if a vacuum were sucking out everything inside me. Why was there water dripping down my face? Why was I having trouble breathing? Oh, that's right.
Karkat 'Old Man' Vantas passed away yesterday afternoon.
I was told that I'd been written into his will. Almost everything he had went to me, except for a little cancer sign pendant which went to someone named Kankri Vantas, who I assumed to be a relative of his.
I was asked to speak at his funeral service, and I agreed. I had no idea where to start. I wrote all that night, but nothing I wrote would do the man justice. I found myself doodling. Doodling pictures of picket fences, hopscotch courts, the words 'fuck off', chessboards, mugs of tea, chalk pieces, an old ratty couch, a house covered in posters, a photo of a crazy-haired man open laptops, blankets, and the face of an old man.
I put my pen to paper again and began to write. I worked all through the night, not just writing, but practicing ridding my stutter from my speech. He should be honored with words that didn't wiggle out of my mouth like worms.
I arrived back for the funeral rites. The service was rather small. Me, Feferi, my brother, Fef's sister; mother; and boyfriend, and two old men. One with crazy grayed hair, white face-paint, and a purple-lined black tuxedo. And the other in a red turtleneck sweater and highwaisted pants.
I shook hands with each.
"I'm Eridan Ampora," I said shaking the old man in the turtleneck's hand.
"Ah, you're the young (trigger warning gender identity) lad Karkat was always speaking of. I'm his older brother, Kankri," he held out his jittering hand.
I took it and shook it politely, "Pleasure to meet you, sir."
I turned to the other man, who waved and wrote down something on a piece of paper and handed it to me.
I'm Kurloz Makara, motherfucker, I knew someone very close to him. I came in his place.
I smiled sadly and nodded. The service began, and I really didn't listen the whole time, it hurt too much.
When it was finally my turn to speak I stepped up to the podium clutching my papers and holding back tears.
"I've known our good Old Man Vantas since the first grade, and I only saw a small fraction of his life, but I still loved him more than anyone. He was a man who hid behind anger. Who loved more than he ever cared to admit. He was a man who raised a child, who wasn't even his, as she searched her soul for answers. He was an old man when I knew him. He was a good man. A scared man. A man afraid of being alone, just like me. A man who helped people in the only way he could. By telling them to fuck off," I let the tears stream down my face now, "When he told me to fuck off the first time I'm glad I didn't. He helped me grow into who I am today. He was a man who loved his sister with all his heart. A man who loved his lost friend. And I hope he loved a confused little girl who grew up to be a better man than she ever could have on her own. He was an old man who spray painted a hopscotch court on his driveway for obnoxious kids. He was a man who made lemonade in the summer and tea in the winter. A man who could force a stubborn teenage girl to apologize. A man who could beat me at chess every time. A man who brought a photo of his lost love to Senior Citizen Prom. A man who helped a girl to not be alone. A man who researched into the night. A man who's gone now. A man who I loved, maybe more than anyone. Karkat was an old man.
"Old Man Vantas."