Disclaimer: I don't own the song or the characters. I do own an overactive imagination. I can sell it to you if you'd like…
A/N: After receiving an anonymous review, telling me my information was inaccurate, I would like to set somethings straight. This is AU, it says so in the summary. Therefore, you should expect it to follow a few different rules. I know that Lily didn't have another sister, that she and James were in the same year, that her birthday was different... but this is my story, based of JKR. Please, please, please, don't be fact hungry. I wrote this due to what was in my head, not JKR's. I love reviews, don't get me wrong, but please know what you are in for when you review. A HUGE thanks to my reviewers: Jamie O, Mydnyt Houre, LilyHeartsMarauders, MPPSexxySiriusJamesRemus, BitterBeginings, Enna, clap your hands says claire, troutie87 and greeneyes58.
He is sensible and so incredible,
And all my single friends are jealous.
He says everything I need to hear and it's like
I couldn't ask for anything better.
He opens up my door and I get into his car,
And he says you look beautiful tonight.
And I feel perfectly fine.
I have the most amazing boyfriend. His name is Liam MacDougal. He is a going into seventh year, and a Ravenclaw. All my friends are jealous, because he is such a dear. He makes other boyfriends look bad.
He always pulls my chair out first, and holds the door. He always talks with respect, and agrees with what I say. He knows the right compliments and the right way to say them. He is perfection, always the gentleman. He usually only kisses my hand or cheek, so polite and formal. Like he's afraid I'll break.
I love him, or at least I think I do. How can you not love someone so perfect? He always gets me the greatest gifts, and makes flawless conversation. It is never awkward or boring. Sometimes, I wish he wasn't so perfect, because I feel like I can't compare. I feel useless. I have no idea what he sees in me, I am nowhere as great as he is.
Liam put me back together after a very messy breakup, with my ex-boyfriend. We had dated for two years. Our relationship was nuts. We were always fighting, and there were awkward moments all the time. He wasn't a gentleman, letting me open the door myself, or pull out my own chair.
Liam is my age, and my ex was three years older. Liam is kind, and gentle, and funny, and perfect. He is above my level. My ex, James Potter, was above me at some things, below me on others, and sometimes we were equal. There are times, when everything is so perfect, I wish Liam was more like James. I wish it was more interesting.
Then I remember how James broke my heart, and left me to pick up the pieces. I know Liam will never do that. I hate myself for wanting someone more like James. I hate myself for even thinking about him.
But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain.
And it's 2 am and I'm cursing your name,
You're so in love that you act insane,
And that's the way I loved you.
Breakin' down and coming undone,
It's a roller coaster kinda rush.
And I never knew I could feel that much,
And that's the way I loved you.
I'd get back from a date with Liam. We had gone out to a fancy restaurant, and ate dinner. After we had chatted for a bit, we returned to Hogwarts. As he left me by Gryffindor Tower, he kissed my gently on the cheek. I glanced out the window, and saw the rain pouring down.
It reminded me of James. We could never go on a date without a huge fight breaking out. Afterwards, he would always make it up to me. There would be times when he would slip a book he knew I wanted into my bag, or give me a special piece of jewelry. My favorite was when he would blindfold me, flip me over his shoulder, and take me to the Astronomy Tower. There we would sit, in the pouring rain, and we would kiss. Not chaste kisses like Liam gives, but full, hungry kisses. Devouring each other, we would kiss until everything was healed.
I missed all of it. The crazy fights, the screaming, the passion. Liam was great, don't get me wrong, but I missed the crazy chemistry James and I had. When I took chemistry in summer school, I managed to blow up the room… twice. It was the conflict that gave us our passion. Sometimes, I wondered if Liam and I had passion.
Then Liam would hold my hand, in that perfect way, and I would know we had passion. But, when I would get back to Hogwarts, and in my dorm, I wouldn't be able to sleep. I would lie awake cursing James, for making want something I will never get. It was James' fault. If he hadn't hurt me like he did, nothing would have happened. I never wanted to see him again, because I knew I had never gotten over him. I was scared to see James. If I saw him, would I lose everything I had for Liam? It wasn't worth the risk.
As I lazed the summer away, I waited for my Hogwarts owl, telling me whether or not I made Head Girl. I wanted Head Girl, wanted it with a passion. Sometimes, my longing for the letter felt more passionate than my feelings for Liam.
I went to carnivals with my baby sister, Marigold. She and I went on as many roller coasters as we could, just to feel the rush. It was so exhilarating, an addicting high. It reminded me of James, but I forced him out of my mind, and just enjoyed my moments with Marigold. She was my favorite sister, much closer to me than Petunia.
Marigold didn't like Liam, called him boring. She never mentioned James, knowing in her thirteen-year-old self it would be too hard for me, but it always hung in the air. Every time she remarked how boring Liam was, the name James floated between us. She loved James, as a brother, wanted him in the family.
I never admitted to her how much I missed him. I loved the craziness I shared with him. I missed the rush. I missed the ups and downs, the crazy emotions.
He respects my space,
And never makes me wait.
And he calls exactly when he says he will.
He's close to my mother,
Talks business with my father,
He's charming and endearing.
And I'm comfortable.
I finally got my letter, and was so excited to be made Head Girl, I screamed. Loud and long. Mum rushed up the stairs to hug me, Dad smiled proudly, and Marigold just laughed. The rest of summer rolled by, with letters from Liam, who was vacationing in France.
Finally, I arrived at school. I met all my friends, who were still jealous over Liam. I ran the first meeting efficiently, surprised to see Liam wasn't Head Boy. It was Benjy Fenwick, an enthusiastic Ravenclaw. He was funny, and very helpful. I was so excited during the Sorting, catching up on everything with my friends. That was before Dumbledore's announcement.
"Ladies and gentleman, I would like to introduce your new Defense Against Dark Arts professor, Mr. James Potter." He said, his eyes never leaving mine. I will swear upon anything, he was looking at me as he spoke. My stomach dropped, my eyes involuntarily were jerked to him. James sat at the table, nonchalant as ever.
Without another word, I got up and left the Great Hall. My two best friends, Marlene McKinnon and Dorcas Meadows, scurried after me. They walked with me to the Heads Room, were we entered, after I gave the password, and just sat in the Common Room.
I couldn't help it, I began to cry. Softly at first, and finally, they turned into body-racking sobs. Marlene and Dorcas hugged me tight. Liam knew my boundaries, accepted my space. James never did that. He was always poking around in my drawers, looking through my bag. Liam was perfect, always on time. James would make me wait, sometimes hours, before showing up.
I hated how one look at James could hurt so much.
"Lily, honey, you never told us what happened that night. The night you and James broke up." Marlene spoke, her voice very quiet. "Can you tell us? So we know how awful to be to him, of course." Marlene knew the right things to say.
"It was our two year anniversary, exactly. He was running late, so I Floo-ed over to his house. I popped out of the fire in his hall, and heard something coming from the bedroom." My voice cracked. "I walked into the bedroom, and found him and some blonde haired, big breasted woman. On the bed, naked. Shagging." My voice stopped up. I broke down in tears. Dorcas hugged me, while Marlene muttered angrily under her breath.
"That bastard!" She cried, her voice angry.
"It was a year ago. I can deal." I whispered, trying to make my voice confident. It didn't work, but I got huge smiles from Marlene and Dorcas. "I have Liam." Liam, perfect, flawless Liam. Liam that Mum loved, because he knew so much about flowers, her passion. Liam that Daddy was sure would go far. James, who Mum was sure would kill me with his crazy tricks, pranks and all-around attitude on life wasn't for me. James who Dad was sure would never amount to anything wasn't for me. Right?
How could I even want James? Liam was close to everyone around me. Liam was perfect. I loved Liam. Or at least I was pretty sure I did. But he never said those three words to me. They were so short, yet so meaningful. Not once, not after a meaningful date, not after a fun day. Not once did he whisper, "I love you."
But that doesn't matter. James said he loved me, and look what he did. No, it meant nothing, all his declarations of love, all his flowers. All his kisses. I was better off with Liam.
But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain.
And it's 2 am and I'm cursing your name,
You're so in love that you act insane.
And that's the way I loved you.
Breakin' down and coming undone,
It's a roller coaster kinda rush,
And I never knew I could feel that much.
And that's the way I loved you.
I couldn't eat the first morning of classes, I was so nervous about having to see James. But the lessons went smoothly, not once did he treat me different, act like we had ever had something special. I didn't know whether to be relieved or sad.
The year spun on. September flowed into October without a seam. Liam was still perfect, James was ignoring me, and my Head Girl duties were going fine. There were still nights I lay awake and thought of James. There were still times I missed being with him. His crazy passion, his temper, his kisses.
My birthday was coming closer with momentum. I was swamped by my parents asking for present idea, by my friends asking for present ideas. Liam never asked, he just knew. He always just knew.
Then, in the middle of October, I got a letter.
Dear Lily,
There is no easy way to say this. Marigold has leukemia. The doctors say she has a few weeks. It is a bad case. There is nothing they can do to help her. Nothing. Please come home to say goodbye.
Love,
Mum
The words branded themselves behind my eyes. Marigold was dying. Dying. She was too young, only thirteen. Damn life! I could barely breathe. Somehow, I got to my first period class, which happened to be Defense Against Dark Arts. Wizards have no cure for cancer, so I couldn't help either. I put my head in my arms, and sat there, ignoring the world. I was early, very early, so no one else was there. I needed to go home, but I couldn't miss school. The N.E.W.T. level classes were near impossible. How could I miss any class? How could I not go home to see Marigold?
"Um… Miss Evans, is everything alright?" I heard a deep masculine voice ask, somewhere above me. I knew that voice all too well. "You seem troubled." Slowly I raised my head. James Potter stood in front of me, a concerned look on his face. I felt all my self control break. It was like we were dating again, and he had pissed me off. I stood up angrily, knocking my chair over. He winced.
"Like you give a fuck about how I feel. Like you care if I am hurt. You have proven to me you don't mind hurting me, so why do you care if I am hurt now? You have no right to give a damn about how I feel. No right! So get away from me and take your false concern. In fact, shove the false concern up your ass, it will do well there." I spun around, about to march out of the room.
"Twenty points from Gryffindor for cursing and sass to a teacher. And detention."
"You lousy fucker!" I turned around and screamed at him. He looked surprised. "Marigold is dying, and you are taking points off for me cursing. Go rot in hell. I hope… I hope… I hope your hair falls out and your teeth rot." I stomped towards him, and slapped him as hard as I could across the face. Little did I know, we had an audience. Marlene, Dorcas and Liam stood in the doorway, mouths agape.
"Marigold is what?" His voice was soft, and cracked slightly on the last word. "She is what?!" I had forgotten how much he liked Marigold. How he still sent her gifts on her birthday and Christmas.
"Dying. She is fucking dying. I hate cancer. Fucking leukemia!" I cried, tears falling down my face. In less than a heartbeat, I felt warm, strong arms wrap around me. I leaned into the chest, and sobbed. "She is dying. Marigold is only thirteen. Dying, dying of leukemia." I couldn't stop crying, as those warm hands rubbed my back. I could feel tears dripping down his shirt, so he was crying too. I never would have guessed it wasn't Liam, until I heard him speak.
"Professor, let go of her now." Liam's voice was icy. Immediately, the arms around me dropped. In some moment of stupidity, I threw my arms around James' neck. Still crying, I held tight to him.
"I would, Mr. MacDougal, but she doesn't seem to want to let go of me." He stroked my head gently, messing up my red curls. "Now Lily, do you want to go to Professor Dumbledore, and see if we can arrange it so you can go home? I am sure the professors will take notes for you. I'll make them." He called me Lily. Something inside me lit up, filling me with an odd joy. I still was crushed by the news about Marigold, but somehow, his calling me Lily helped.
"James, I want to go home. I need to see Marigold." My voice was choked. I didn't realize I called him James until I heard Liam growl slightly. "I want to go home now. Please." I felt like we were a couple again, and I was late for curfew. James always managed to sneak me in, but it was the same urgency.
"Sure, honey." I tensed up as he said honey. He called me honey. Could he miss me? I hated myself in that moment. Marigold was dying, and I was hoping my teacher liked me because he called me honey while I was sobbing in his arms about my baby sister dying. God, my boyfriend was watching, and I was putty in James' arms, strong, comfortable arms they were. But I had already fought with him, and this was the making up, the almost-but-not-quite kissing in the rain.
I had my rush, my thrill. It was so great, almost being his again. How pathetic was that? I knew I hadn't gotten over him completely, but this was ridiculous. He broke my heart. And I still wanted him. I had never felt so much with Liam. Affection sure, happiness sure. But this deep passion, this unshakeable certainty, this depression, this wonder, this thrill, this relief? Never. And in his strong arms as he helped to Dumbledore's office, I knew I still loved him.
He can't see the smile I'm faking,
And my heart's not breaking.
Cause I'm not feeling anything at all.
And you were wild and crazy,
Just so frustrating, intoxicating,
Complicated, got away by some mistake and now…
Marigold died five days after I got home. I was holding one hand, Mum the other. Dad had his hand on her head. They tell us it was painless, that the pain medicines were high enough she didn't feel anything. They say she couldn't hear us, didn't know we were there. I knew differently.
When her eyes rolled back into her head, I could feel her pain, flooding her body. I could feel her take comfort at the fact we were there. All of us, even Petunia. James came to visit, once, when she was still lucid. The smile that lit up her face nearly killed me. And, so help me, I felt so guilty. Guilty I wasn't with James, guilty I was still with Liam. I was angry Liam hadn't shown up once, angry he hadn't sent one letter saying he was sorry about Marigold.
When I got back to school, he didn't see my smile was fake. How could he? Marlene and Dorcas couldn't tell. They thought I had accepted Marigold's death. They didn't see that is was a weight, deep in my chest, dragging me down. James saw though. He saw the numbness that wrapped around me. My heart wasn't breaking for Marigold. Or maybe it was, and I couldn't feel it. Maybe heartbreak was numbness, and the hurt I felt for James was my pride breaking.
I kept my grades up somehow, but I let Benjy do more and more of the Heads talking. He did almost all of the talking at meetings. I stopped spending so much time with Marlene and Dorcas, preferring to spend time alone in my room, listening to classical music. I stopped going on dates as often with Liam. In fact, I was seriously considering dumping him. I couldn't help it I loved James Potter.
I wanted to dump him, but every time I tried, he would do something so sweet before, I couldn't do it. He was so bland. And I still saw James acting like his true self. In class, he goofed off sometimes, teasing students gently. One time, his best friends came in. I used to be close with them, Sirius, Remus, and Peter. Or at least, before the breakup, we were close. The first time I saw them was when I was walking into the DADA room, on Liam's arm. Sirius swooped down on us, enveloping me in a hug.
"I heard. I am so, so, so sorry." Sirius whispered in my ear, in an uncharacteristic display of emotion. "Marigold was amazing. I miss her." I looked at him, to see a single tear run down his face. I would be close friends with him again, so I lifted my fingers and wiped his tear away.
"Thanks, Siri," I called him by my nickname for him, "it means a lot. I miss her too." He just gave me another squeeze, before stepping back. I noticed Liam was glaring at him angrily. But my view was cut off by Remus, walking over, and hugging me tight.
"Lily, I am so sorry." Once again, I heard those words, but from Sirius and Remus, they had meaning. He hugged me tight against him, and I could feel the bones of his back, as I wrapped my arms around him. I think Liam hissed, an angry hiss.
"Thanks to you too, Remus." He wasn't a nickname guy, or I would have called him Remy. He grabbed my hands, squeezed them, and walked away. Peter just hugged me, no words said. He wasn't very vocal, but he expressed his grief just like Sirius and Remus. God, I missed them.
I walked away to take a seat next to Liam. I felt eyes on me, and glancing over my shoulder, I saw James watching me. My stomach knotted in butterflies. Good ones. He was looking at me, he must still like me. I immediately stepped on that train of thought. He just pities me, nothing more.
Liam just smiled at me, before sliding a piece of parchment over. It read, "Remember how this school gossips. You might want to stay away from them. You'll be sleeping with them in rumors before the day is out, if certain people see you hugging them." I felt my cheeks flush. Whipping out a quill, I wrote angrily back. "They are my friends, Liam, I don't give a fuck what other people think." I forgot how much he hated cursing, until I saw him twitch as he read this. I felt bad. We were so mismatched.
The day went slowly. I counted down the minutes until I could talk to Liam in private. We needed to break up. I couldn't take his perfection anymore. Finally, our last class ended.
"Liam, we need to talk." My voice was soft. He nodded, a smile on his face. We had never had bad conversations before, so he assumed this was good. Poor boy, he would have no idea what hit him. I lead him to a deserted classroom. "Liam, you are a great guy. I love being around you."
"Thanks, you are amazing too, Lily."
"But the thing is, you are perfect. It makes me feel so unworthy being around you." I saw him open his mouth. "Don't talk, just listen. This is all me, not you. I can't deal with formality all the time, with no passion. This isn't going to work out. I think, I think…" My voice choked up. I brushed away my tears angrily. "I think we need to break up." Liam's jaw dropped.
"You want to break up." His voice was flat. I nodded. "Fine. Goodbye." With that, he turned and walked away from me. Just before he reached the door, he turned back. "Just because your single, Potter isn't going to look at you. You two are over, long dead." With that final cutting remark, he strode out the door. I collapsed in a heap on the floor, and let myself cry.
Cry for Marigold, cry for the good thing that had ended, cry for his hurtful remark. I let myself cry.
I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain,
It's 2 am and I'm cursing your name.
I'm so in love that I acted insane,
And that's the way I loved you.
Breaking down and coming undone,
It's a roller coaster kinda rush,
And I never knew I could feel that much.
And that's the way I loved you oh, oh.
Sirius emerged from the shadows in the corner of the room. "What did he mean about James never looking at you again?" I jumped when he spoke. Tears ran harder down my face, and Sirius' face was kind, and almost angry at the same time.
"He guessed part of the truth. I still miss James. God, I miss him so much it hurts. I miss screaming at him in a fancy restaurant. I miss the way we would fight. I miss the way he would make up with me, by carrying me to the Astronomy Tower and kissing me in the rain. I hate the way I can't fall asleep without thinking about him. I hate the way he cheated on me and broke my heart. I can't take loving him Sirius. I just can't take it." I sobbed even harder, as the look on Sirius' face changed to pity.
"You know, James never dated anyone as long as he dated you. He was a date-'em and drop-'em kind of guy. He never felt so strongly for any girl he has dated. That's why he cheated on you. He was afraid. He never let anyone have such an advantage over him, besides his friends. He couldn't deal with the fact you could crush him if you chose. So he had to prove to himself he was still himself." Sirius looked at me, oddly rational.
"So to prove to himself he was still a horny bastard, he broke my heart?"
"He never meant for you to see. He wanted to make he sure he really felt something for you, that it wasn't just lust. He knew what he felt for that woman was lust, and he needed to prove to himself you were different. And then you walked in on them, and everything fell apart."
"He loved me?" Tears rolled down my cheeks as I forced the words out. "He wanted to love me?" Sirius nodded. I felt my heart break in half, as I thought of how I kept rejecting him, not letting him explain. "So, is that what he wanted to explain to me? Is that what he was trying to tell me?" Sirius nodded again. The hardest question came next. "Does he still…" I couldn't get it out. I turned and ran to the Head's Tower, where I cried into my pillow.
This time, it was purely selfish. I cried for my missed chance, for my broken heart, for James never getting his chance to explain. I cried for the pain I had went through, the confusion he went through, and the irrational hope I felt.
A knock sounded at my door. Muttering a quick charm to make me look presentable, I went to see what Benjy wanted. It was late by now, at least midnight. As I opened the door to my room, I was startled to see nothing, just a bracelet, one that I had given back to James when we broke up. It was silver, and in delicate cursive, read, "And you may have this heart to break."
I picked it up. "Oh, James, I messed up this time, didn't I?" I hoped he was still there, to hear me. "If only I had listened to you. If only I has asked someone. I always thought you knew you had my heart, and that is what the bracelet stood for. Never did I think I had yours. I miss you." I slipped in on my wrist. I decided I would always wear it, for remembrance.
I left my door open, and slipped into my room. I pulled out my poem journal, and began to write.
I hate the way
I always feel
So trapped when you are away.
And even worse the
Joy I feel
When you are so very near.
I hate the way you broke my heart,
And the way I broke yours too.
And the way you can make me feel
So many different things.
I loved the way you looked at me,
The way you gave me butterflies.
I loved the way you held my hand,
And the way you held me tight.
I can only hope
One day it will all be right,
And you will be there next to me
When I fall asleep at night.
I put my quill down. I cautiously ripped the page out of my book, and snuck out of my rooms. I tiptoed down the hallways, until I reached James' classroom. Gathering all my courage, I left it on his desk, under a stack of first year essays. I didn't sign it. Just left it, lying there, hidden.
And that's the way I loved you oh, oh
Never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you
The next day, James didn't say anything. The day after that he didn't say anything. He didn't say anything. My birthday, November 16, rolled by, with no gifts from my family. They were too deep in mourning to celebrate my eighteenth birthday. The days ticked away, with no comment from James. Until it came time for the holidays. I knew I couldn't go home. Not with Marigold's death so recent. It was stupid to pick at new scabs.
So, I signed the parchment saying I would stay at school for the holidays. I owled Mum and Dad, letting them know. They understood. The last day of classes before break, I was sitting in Defense Against Dark Arts, when James picked up a pile of essays to grade. He went through all of them, and when he came to the last piece of parchment, he froze. I saw him read it, once, twice, three times. Finally, he cleared his throat.
"As a holiday gift, I think, since it is the last class, I will let you out early." Everyone cheered. I wondered what was on the parchment that made him cancel class. Surely it wasn't my poem, he would have graded those essays ages ago. Right? As I walked out the classroom, I felt a hand grab my arm. James stood there, holding my poem in his large hands.
"Lily, would you happen to know what this is?" James' voice was deceptively light. I gasped, my face simultaneously paling and flushing. "Any clue?" I saw hope in his eyes.
I held my hand out. "May I see it?" I asked, politely. He handed it to me. I felt a prickle run up my arm where he let his fingers linger. My heart pounded like a drum. I read the poem. "Well, it looks like an apology. From a girl who loved you. From a girl whose heart you broke. Maybe she is forgiving you." My voice was so quiet I could barely hear it. Feeling nervous, I began to fidget with my bracelet.
"You're wearing it." James looked at me, confused. "I broke your heart, and you take the bracelet I left you."
"I gave you my heart, James. You still have it." It cost me so much to say. Fear of rejection pounded at my temples. I gasped, dragging in oxygen, as he looked at me. "James, I miss you. I miss the way you make me feel, so many emotions all at once. The way you make me love you and hate you, laugh and cry, smile and frown, at the same time. James, I miss loving you." A tear began to chase its way down my cheek. I could feel it, trickling down slowly.
James moved closer to me, closer. Slowly, he lifted up his hand, and wiped my tear away. Then, he lowered his head and kissed me, right on the mouth. It was passionate and gentle, loving and rough, needing and wanting. He was so right for me. When he took his lips away from mine, he was smiling.
"One day at a time, Lily, one day at a time." His voice was husky. "We'll take it slow." And then he moved in to kiss me again.
AN: This was really hard for me to write. I cried through writing it. So please, please review. I really want to know what people think about this one. Thanks!