Always
Summary: Before Tonks had fallen, before the Forbidden Forest, Remus Lupin meets two old friends.
Written for Event 3 of the 2014 House Cup – Prompt 3
Rating: 15+
Genres: Angst, General
Warnings: Contains Spoilers, Sensitive Topic/Issue/Theme
Major Characters: James (I), Lupin, Sirius
Pairings: None
CHAPTER 1: Immeasurable
It was an intriguing experience, the transition from black to white. I remembered from my monthly transformations the distinct feeling of skin giving way to fur – fear giving way to thirst. But this was different. Its speed came as a relief. The shift in my perception was nearly unnoticeable, and certainly nothing like what you read in a storybook. In the moment I died, there was neither a slow, sense-heightened experience of the battle going on around me nor a flurry of images running through my head unbidden. In an instant, the sensations of pain that had wracked my body, the desperation in my tired lungs ceased to be and the dark sky I had been gazing into moments before gave way to a ceiling constructed of ashen planks. Rather than struggling with what had happened, it all came rather naturally. Somehow I knew it was over.
But in reality, I could not have been more wrong. Testing myself, Merlin knows why, I rose effortlessly to my feet. My body was graced with the long-gone lightness of my youth, yet my mind retained its aged acuity. I didn't have to wonder where I was, though I did pause to consider for a moment why.
On the mantle I could see a picture of James and Lily. An impossible image of the couple, as happy as I had ever seen them standing and smiling behind Harry, each with a hand reassuringly on his shoulders. He couldn't have been more than a first year. Aside from the picture, the living room was appointed just as I remembered it from my last visit so many years ago. A small table sat in front of a little couch. Two chairs had been placed at either end, all carefully positioned to enjoy maximum warmth from the fireplace. Turning, I looked toward the kitchen, amused at the sight of the practical wedding gift I had given my friend and his new bride – a heavy cast-iron skillet. It was resting alone in the sink and the sight of it made me laugh. James had joked that he'd get the most use out of it, surviving on a diet of cheese toasties given Lily's well-documented struggles in the kitchen. Sirius, on the other hand considered it more likely Lily would use it to strike James in the head.
"Reliving old times, Moony?" an unmistakable voice asked from behind me.
I turned, speaking before I had even seen his face. "James?"
"Well, you are in my house."
"I'd noticed," I said, snorting and giving him the half-smile that had become something of my trademark during our Hogwarts years. It was truly remarkable. He looked barely a day over twenty.
"Is Lily–"
James shook his head. "She's not in. Felt she needed to get some fresh air given what might be coming."
"You know then?" I asked, incredulous.
"Of course we know, Remus," James scoffed. "Haven't you ever heard of people looking out for you from above? Though I will confess it doesn't work quite like that…"
Heavy footsteps trudged down the stairs as a younger-looking Sirius emerged.
James turned and shook his head. "Bad form. He always liked you better as Snuffles."
"I prefer to actually talk," Sirius fired back before striding across the room and enveloping me in a hug.
James rolled his eyes, running a hand through his messy, black hair.
"It's good to see you, Moony. Even if it is this way," Sirius said after breaking the embrace.
"James and Lily took you in again, did they?"
Sirius laughed. "Lily wasn't too happy about it. A bit like before, but then she knows James could never really live without me."
"Might be soon enough," James remarked, casting his eyes toward the mantle. It was impossible not to notice their heaviness as they lingered on the picture.
Sirius grabbed James roughly between the shoulder and the neck, shaking him. "Enough of that. He's got a certain knack for dueling. Not unlike his father."
James sighed. He paused for a moment before forcing brightness into his face. "Too right!"
Suddenly, I found myself engulfed in James's arms. He held me tightly for a moment, patting my back twice before breaking away. Frowning slightly he stared me in the face. "I've missed you too, mate. Still, hard to be happy exactly given the timing."
Sirius nodded. "He wasn't giving you a minute you know," the long-locked wizard said. "It was a bit rough on ol' Prongs here, you having to share his burden."
The words were like a knife through my heart. The shift and the surreal experience had distracted me over this short period, but the gentlest reminder shattered everything. I fell to my knees. Pressing my palms together over the tip of my nose, I clenched my eyes tightly. I tried to close it off, but it was impossible to stop. Before I knew it, I was covering my eyes in front of my two best friends, bawling.
Once again, I had failed. I had failed Sirius at the Ministry, unable to save him from his own arrogance and his cousin's well-placed curse. I had failed James by failing Harry time and again – not giving him more knowledge, not protecting him like I could. And now it was complete. I had failed my family. The only ones left living who had ever loved me unconditionally. 'Dora had risked everything to choose me and I had left her without a husband. And Teddy. I had failed him worst of all. I had made him a fatherless son.
Later, I felt a hand rubbing my back. It had happened before, when I was coming around from my transformations, and I knew instinctively whose hand it was. James. In moments like this it was always James. Sirius would lift my spirits in a bit, but in these quiet, fragile moments, he stood away and let James fill the role he always had – protector. I rubbed my nose on my sleeve and rose, shaking my head clear.
"There you go, mate…" James said, eyeing me carefully.
I lifted my head, eyes closed.
"It's raw now. I remember. You'll never be okay with it exactly. But you'll learn ways to work around."
"And of course, we'll be here," offered Sirius. "I'm rubbish at it obviously, but I do know you like chocolate…"
My long-locked friend snapped his fingers, and unbelievably, three of my favorite chocolates appeared in his hand.
"Little perk," Sirius smirked, tossing one in my direction.
"You could at least be decent, Padfoot. Give him time."
I took a nibble of the chocolate.
"He'll be alright," Sirius said. "Look. And we'll help him along."
"That we will," James added. "That we will."
As silence fell over us again, I couldn't help but wonder how long it had taken James to become this calm. Sirius's chocolate trick carried with it a disturbing truth. Here, it seemed anything was possible. Anything but the things you most wanted. I gazed off toward the fireplace, my eyes catching the picture on the mantle again.
As Sirius snapped his fingers and popped another chocolate into his mouth across the room, James caught my stare.
"I'll show you how later," he said quietly. "It won't be perfect. And it doesn't always work. But it will be enough at night – before you learn what to do when you don't need sleep."
"And what about during the day?"
"We'll play. And catch up. You'll learn to sense when he needs your comfort. Or there's something he needs you to see."
I nodded. It was the most acceptance I could muster at the moment.
"Come on you two," Sirius barked.
As I turned, I could see him preparing a game of Exploding Snap for the three of us.
James wrapped his arm around my shoulder, leading me over.
I paused for a moment, considering how strange the blend of peace and pain I felt was. Resignedly, I sat and for a while the three of us simply focused and played, like we had so many times in our dormitory at Hogwarts when we were supposed to be writing essays or getting sleep.
It didn't take long for Sirius to win the first game and after he did, he stretched out his hand.
James locked eyes with me before snapping his fingers and handing over a knut.
"For old times' sake!" Sirius chirped.
After all we'd been through…
"For old times' sake, Remus…" James prodded.
Shaking my head and snapping my fingers for the first time in death, I handed Sirius his winnings.
"For old times' sake."
A/N: This was my effort for Prompt 3 – trying my hand at a bit more challenging first-person POV with Remus along with the uncorrupted Marauders in a finite little time frame after Remus dies, but before Tonks joins him and before he is summoned by Harry. I tried to capture the collective friendship between the three, but also incorporate the differences that might have existed in the individual friendships within from Remus's perspective. I hope I've managed to make the characters believable in death and captured how they might handle the issues that come up realistically as well. I'd love to hear your feedback!