I do not own Harry Potter or any of it's characters.
Sirius stared at his best friend. His best friend stared at Lily Evans. Lily Evans stared at her homework.
He felt his heart clench. Why did she do this to him? She wasn't good enough for James... It may not be a well known fact, but surely Lily knew. She should be thanking the gods that someone like James would ever pay attention to her. But she was mindlessly rude, ignoring him, or cursing him. Sirius was sure that one of these days, she'd send a crucio his way because she hated him so much.
How many times had he told James to just get over her? How many? Every night, it seemed, they had the argument.
Get over her! She'll never feel that way about you!
Yes, she will. I just need to be persistent!
Persistent is driving her further away! Why did Sirius always make it sound like it was his fault? It wasn't James's fault. It was Lily's. The way she was putting him off... She didn't know anything.
James had given Sirius everything he had ever wanted. He had given him more. James had accepted him... He'd given him a home to come back to when he visited his family. James was his family. James gave him hours of laughter. He had given Sirius hope... Hope he'd never had until he met James Potter.
Yeah. It was sad that the most important person in his life was his best friend, especially since the most important person in his best friend's life was Lily freaking Evans. But that didn't change that it was true. His days dulled without him. Everything ran together. He took the spot as ringleader when he was gone, and it wasn't fun.
He could be that for Lily too. But she didn't even consider the possibilities! How could you refuse someone like James? It wasn't right.
Maybe Sirius would allow them to keep going the way they were if it weren't hurting James. But it was hurting James. There were these times... When Sirius would be babbling about something, and he'd look over to see an unusually silent James... A blank one. Like a broken toy, he stared at one space on the floor. He looked oddly fragile in those moments, like everything that mattered had been taken from him.
That hurt. It hurt that Sirius's oppinion didn't matter enough to him to stop. It hurt that Lily had that power over James, and he didn't. And in those moments... Sirius wouldn't to kill Lily freaking Evans.
Lily Evans wasn't good enough for James Potter. But James hurt everytime Lily said no, and after everything James had done for him... So Sirius gave him ideas on how to win her over. Talked to Lily's friends. Talked to Lily. It wasn't good enough. It didn't work. Sirius would never be able to pay him back for everything James has done for him...
Sirius stood up abruptly. James didn't notice... When was the last time he had? Nothing was more important to James than his Lily Flower.
Sirius stared at his best friend. His best friend stared at Lily. Lily stared back.
There was hero worship in her eyes... She adored everything about James. James adored everything about Lily. Now, they were so evenly matched... Lily knew that James was too good for her. Now Sirius knew. But while James deemed her worth his time... He was hers.
It was even worse. Marauders will always be Marauders... That's what they all said, didn't they? Well, James stopped being a Marauder the moment 7th year hit. He was still the same–laughed, talked, screamed like a little girl... He was still Sirius's best friend. But Sirius was pushed even further from his life, even farther from the center... Sirius spent his time with Remus. With girls. Doing homework. He waited for James to remember that Sirius was his best friend.
But it appeared the glory days had ended, and now the golden age of Lily had begun.
Sirius was happy for him. James was more full of life and happiness than ever. The days of staring brokenly at a floor were past... Part of Sirius was jealous that James would have something like that. The rest of him was sad that he didn't matter.
He was best man at their wedding. He'd be there for every second. But as usual, every day from 3rd year, to surely the rest of his life, was consumed by Lily... Sirius would never really matter as much.
Remus told him that he deserved happiness too. This is happiness... Or as much as he was going to get.
Sirius got to know Lily... She was sweet and light. Almost angelic, now that she didn't hate Marauders. But Lily hated every second James spent with Sirius, and so gradually that time lessened. What a joke. Lily was insecure about James and Sirius's relationship, when Lily was the center of his entire universe! Sirius wanted to hate her for taking away even more. But James was so happy... And Lily belonged with him now. It was Sirius who had never belonged in his perfect life. And he'd thought no one could be good enough if he couldn't be. But Sirius was wrong.
Sirius stared at his best friend. His best friend stared sightlessly up at the ceiling... Probably seeing Lily.
Wormtail.
Framed. So easily done... Why had he gone for revenge? Why hadn't he just...? Now little Harry, James's son... So alone. With Lily Evan's unworthy sister! How could this... No.
Sirius, in that small cell in Azkaban, cried helplessly. He deserved this. He hadn't been able to save them... What Sirius would have done to protect James! His light, the one thing that had made life worth living, was gone... He left behind a son that Sirius couldn't raise because he was framed.
Why couldn't he be dead instead? The world could go on without a Sirius Black. But what was a world without a James Potter?
Sirius stared at his best friend's son. His best friend's son stared back. He saw Sirius as the father he'd never had...
If only he'd known his father. Sirius was so secondrate compared to him...
Anything for Harry. Anything. Because Harry had replaced James...
"He's not James, Sirius!" They told him sharply. Their words stabbed, because Sirius knew that. Harry could never be James. But they looked so similar... His eyes for Lily's as always. How utterly fitting that Harry got Lily's green eyes. What Sirius would have given to look into those dancing hazel eyes again...
He wouldn't let Harry end up like James. He couldn't.
He would do anything for James's son. It was the least he could do for being so jealous... So useless.
Sirius stared at his best friend. His best friend stared back. Lily wasn't here.
I'm dreaming.
"Sirius!"
Harry... Harry! That was his yell–where was he? Sirius stared uncomprehendingly at James, his heart sinking. He'd failed. Again. Harry was up there, alon–...He wasn't alone. He hadn't ever been alone. Harry was just like James: he had a million people lining up to protect him.
Sirius had always known he was expendable.
"Sirius. Hey, Sirius." James was smiling so big, it had to hurt. Sirius felt reality hit him–James. He couldn't speak... He couldn't breathe. After 15 hideously long years...
"Thank you for protecting my son when I couldn't... Thank you for not going insane, thank you trying, thank you... And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for making you live through that. I'm sorry for ending you in Azkaban when you of all people should never have had to see those walls..." James's voice sounded strangled towards the end, breaking twice.
"It was nothing." Sirius shrugged. Because it was, now that James was here. His light had returned. "I did what had to be done."
"You didn't have to, Sirius. I'm so sorry..." James sank to his knees. "I'm sorry for not being able to protect Lily like I should have."
There she was. Lily. The little budding hope Sirius had been feeling was shattered. What was he thinking–that James would suddenly care about Sirius more than Lily? Maybe he'd hoped that James would care a little more than he had.
But James was still talking. "I'm sorry for not being able to protect my son... But you did for me. You got out of our definition of hell and saved him... When no one believed in you, when no one was there for you... I don't even know why you kept going."
"You would have done the same." Sirius spoke with such conviction that James's eyes darted to meet his. "You would have done more. You would have gotten out faster. And you never should have died."
"You never did understand," James stared up at his best friend. "Sirius, there's a reason I died." Against his own will, Sirius chuckled at the weirdness of the statement. James laughed too... And for the first time in 15 years, Sirius laughed with his best friend.
Sirius stared at his best friend's wife. Lily stared back.
"Sirius... Thank you." Gratitude shone in those green eyes. Sirius felt... bad. Why did James and her keep thanking him? He had mostly failed. "Thank you for–"
"Lily, I got it. I saved your son when you couldn't." Sirius looked at the floor. "But I'm dead, so I must have done a crap job."
"Yeah, well, I died less than a year after I got him. You made it 15 years."
"Bet Remus will make it to 30 years." Sirius sighed heavily. Lily and Sirius laughed quietly.
"Sirius... You never did understand what you were to James." Lily said after a moment.
"Actually, it was you who never understood." Sirius felt the unsettling familiarity of anger. The peace was shattered... How dare she say that? How many days, years, had he spent brooding over his placement in James's life? "You never understood that every minute he wasted on me was the best minute of my life. And do you know how many minutes you stole away from me?"
"I know! I just... You were so important to him." How could she be crying? Yeah, she was dead. She had 15 years to get over that. She also had James. No one who had James like she did should cry.
"Not as much as you." Sirius got up and left. Lily wasn't good enough for James. James was perfect, and she was obviously not.
Sirius stared blankly at the letter.
Sirius–
You never knew how much James loved you. As a brother, of course. He always talked about the good times, how much he missed having you around... Towards the end, he was getting restless. The two hours you spent together at the Order meetings and one hour on Tuesdays nights weren't enough for him. I was weak. I was so jealous. I told him you were busy. That you had a new girl. That you had new friends.
Then I saw you in that cell after we'd passed on. I saw you cry. I saw the man I had always been so jealous of cry like he'd lost the world... I watched as you went out and saved my son. I watched James cheer you on from the invisible sidelines. I watched you become a father to Harry. James could have done better, I thought. I hated you. But now... I see you did the best you could for a best friend. You lived for him. You died for him.
I could never be good enough to do that. James is my husband, and the most important man in my life... But you're the man I respect most. You're the greatest man I've ever known.
–Lily
Lily stared at her book.
Why did he keep staring at her? Sirius stood up abruptly when he realized his best friend wasn't listening to him. They're both selfish, immature brats.
Lily stared at James, the smile so big on her face, it felt like her face was about to break. He threw a happy glance at Sirius, as if to say: Can you believe it? But Sirius just turned his back to them, stiff.
He always hated Lily. Immature brat. He just needed to learn to frickin' share.
Lily stared at Sirius.
James was sobbing into her shoulder, unashamed that he was crying. He was dead. He'd failed. Lily was dead. Harry wasn't.
Lily followed Sirius. She watched him tenderly hold Harry, then hand him to Hagrid. Sirius wasn't his usual, sarcastic, bratty self. He had the walk of a man who had just lost everything. His eyes, the set of his jaw, the slump in his shoulders... It all echoed the burden that had just been placed on his shoulders.
Lily stared at him in that cell... For years, she watched. James did too. James felt guilty... How could she rid him of the terrible guilt? Lily hated herself, then. She hated Sirius. They were causing James this terrible pain... If not for her, then James wouldn't be dead. If not for Sirius, then James wouldn't feel so bloody terrible.
Lily stared at nothing.
Who was the immature brat now? He had had to face the world without James Potter... And James had had to face the unknown without Sirius Black. They were reunited at last. Was that relief or more jealous that she felt?
Lily stared at Sirius.
How could she make him understand? He had no idea the power he held over James...
Lily–
You have no idea how much I've hated you. How much I've hated myself. At first, I thought it was you who wasn't good enough for James. Then I realized I wasn't good enough for him. I don't know what's driven me all these years... But it was worth it.
If I had just given up in that cell... Maybe I wouldn't be with you two now. If I hadn't met Harry, I never would have seen my best friend again. The irony... His eyes were always for you, Lily. And there were your eyes.
I've never come first place in anyone's life. And James was the most important person in my life... But you were always the most important in his.
I'm sorry for my jealousy. I'm sorry for my hatred. I didn't understand... but I understand now. And I think I'm ready to forgive myself and you.
Maybe we can learn to share?
–Sirius