Hey lovely people. this is my first fanfic ever. i am not a native speaker. but I wanted to she this with you all. i hope you like it.. characters belong to grey's.

chapter one

Breathe

April was on her way to the Grey Sloan Memorial. Her head pulsed from the Hangover of last night.

She drank three bottles of wine with Arizona. Otherwise she couldn't stand the slap in her face which Jackson just given her yesterday. She had to cover the pain in some way.

She knew that go back to the Combat Zone a Second Time was an extremely selfish decision of her. She was aware that it was nothing more than an escape from the pain and that she hurts Jackson so much with that decision...

But she needed to go... she wasn't herself anymore...

She was hollow and all she could see and feel was pain and darkness.

She thought, that after the first year in Jordan her wounds were already healed. She wished nothing more than that. Then she came back home. Full of anticipation to see her lovely husband again... because she thought she were healed... filled with anticipation to come back to the second part of her soul... but then she realized that she still couldn't breathe.

Every time she looked at Jackson or the other people at the hospital, she was swallowed by the darkness again and this tie up her chest. She saw the people staring at her. Their compassionate looks. They doesn't seen April Kepner anymore . They see the poor woman who lost her child. Even Jackson looked at her that way. Anywhere she went, she was reminded of her little angel and the tragedy loss of him.

The worst of all was, when she looked at Jackson, she didn't saw her lovely husband, she saw Samuel and it destroyed her.

She wanted to see JACKSON again... HIM... HER HUSBAND.

She Thought, if she would've stayed, she will destroy their marriage anyway. Because she couldn't heal any other way. She thought if she went and returns all recovered, she could save their marriage! She has hoped, that Jackson understood that and could forgive her anytime.

Tears of anger where coming up by these thoughts and her vision blurred.

She was angry at herself, that she didn't have the strength for staying.

Was angry at god, who's now definitely look down at her and laughs.

Angry at Jackson, that he couldn't understand and forgive her. Or at least he could try. But it seems like he didn't try.

When the tears overcome, she drove aside and stopped the car.

„I left to come back to you." She murmurs to herself.

„I left to come back to you." She was screaming now and punching the wheel, like it would be Jackson's chest, while she was repeating these words over and over again. Sobs escaping from deep down of her soul. While she still repeating the sentence like some holy mantra.

Her sobs got any louder. It were bloodcurdling screams. They came from the deepest interior of her soul. Each one of them hurts like a stab of a knife and unlaced her before the pain from air. ...and now the Darkness is coming again. Haunts her. Swallow her. Worse than ever, worse than after Samuels lost. The emptiness that Samuel left was unbearable. But she survived, she saved herself... for Jackson. But she didn't know if she can survive to lose Jackson. But if her husband gave up on their marriage. What does she have then? At the thought her eyes went black and had the feeling she had to puke. this loss she definitely wouldn't survive. She looks at the car seat besides her and saw the divorce papers laying there.

She have to give him at least this will. She have to be selfless this time. For his sake. Even though it mean that it would extinguish the last spark of life of her.

New sobs overwhelmed her, when she grabbed the big envelope with the divorce papers. She opened it with shaking hand and put out the papers. Again another sob escaping her chest, while she opened the drawer to grab the pen. Her hands were still shaking.

" Goddamn put yourself together." She says to herself. She signed underneath Jackson's signature. After that she felt the empty back possession of herself. This signature put the last sense of life out of her.

Now all felt like a monotonous, technical expiration. When she started the car. When she pushed at the right time gas or the breaks. It was like she was an audience of herself and she hadn't any influence about what her body did. She parked her car apathetically and got out of it. She packed the papers in her purse and went through the entrance of the Grey Sloan Memorial.

She didn't live anymore. But she functions. She breathed, she felt how the air was hissed in her lungs and pushed out. She could breathe, but she didn't live anymore. She functioned, because she had to,

so... this is it... what do you think. please feel free to review:)