I don't own anything in connection to Smallville or Alan Rickman.
Everything else is my own wired imagination.
************************************************************************
What really happened at the end of Dichotic.
Clark watched as Chloe and Lana drove off in the Suburban to get the sheriff. Clark had stayed at the dam to keep a watch on the unconscious Ian.
Clark turns away from where the SUV left and found Ian awake and mad. Ian took a swing at Clark, but Clark ducked easily and baked away to create space between them.
Ian grins evilly at Clark, "You will never win Clark, because I am the prettiest!!!!"
Clark stares a "Clark Kent" stare at Ian. "You can't win! I am the star, and I am the prettiest!"
Ian shakes his head. "I got busy with both of your women. I am the prettiest!!!"
Clark smiles. "Lana is a scanky hoe who will try to steal me from my true love, and Chloe dumped me after our first date. And it's rumored that they are lesbian lovers. I'm the prettiest."
Ian's face contorts into a snarl. "No!"
Clark smiles triumphantly. "Yes."
Ian is desperate. "I have been in movies. And I was on Home Improvement. I'm the prettiest."
Clark rolls his eyes. "Every one has a Christmas movie. It wasn't that good. And you left Home Improvement because you are a pri-madonna. I'm the prettiest."
"Ha Ha! You don't have a Christmas movie! I'm the prettiest."
"True, but I'm a male model, I make up for it in Christmas boxer adds. Where I'm shirtless. I'm the prettiest."
Ian in now lost for comebacks. "I'm the prettiest!"
"No, I'm the prettiest."
"I can split in two. I'm the prettiest!"
Clark puts his hands on his hips and lifts his chin in a classic hero stance. "I have blue tights and eye rays. I'm the prettiest."
Suddenly the two boys are cut off by the squealing of tires. They look as a silver Ferrari skids to a stop. Lex Luther saunters out, followed by twenty super models in an sort of circus car act.
Lex poses in his best "Lex" pose as models gather around him, swooning over him. "Hi. Clark."
Ian gapes at the models. "How did you fit all those women in the car?"
"I'm Lex Luther." As if that was the obvious answer. He turns to Clark. "Is there a problem Clark?"
"That villain thinks he's prettier than I am."
"I am Prettier than you."
Lex smiles. "Boy's Boy's. I think I can resolve this matter easily."
Clark smiles. "Well, then tell us."
Ian stamps his foot. "That's not fair. He's your friend so he'll be biased toward you."
Clark grins and shrugs his shoulders. "Hey who would have thought saving my future arch enemy would benefit me so? Well besides obvious plot reasons."
Lex shakes his head. "We have to examine the evidence. Unfortunately, neither of you are the prettiest."
Both Clark's and Ian's mouths drop open. "What?"
Lex nods. "Isn't it obvious? I'm the prettiest."
Clark looks like a puppy that has just been kicked. "How?"
Lex regards Clark. "Clark, look at all of us. Out of the three of us, I'm the only one who has models hanging all over him. Also, I own fifty sports and luxury cars, I live in a castle, my wardrobe is better, and I'm bald."
Ian nods in agreement. "He has us there."
Clark sighs. "Right, neither of us are bald."
Lex continues. "And because I'm bald, I also have the title of Sex God."
Ian tries not to giggle. "Lex Luther the Sex God?"
Lex glares at Ian. "That's right shortly."
Suddenly there is a flash of lightning. A voice booms from above the three. "Who dares claim that he is the Sex God?"
Ian hides behind Clark and points to Lex. "He does."
A swirl of smoke appears and when it's gone a tall, dark figure, stands there in a swirling cloak. "Foolish mortal. You can not be the sex god."
Eleven of the models who had been hanging off of Lex, swoon at the man's voice and go over to hang on him.
Lex is irritated. "I'm Lex Luther. Who could be sexier than me?"
The man steps forward, reviling himself while sweeping the cloak back over his shoulder. "I am Alan Rickman. The Sex God."
Lex looks confused. "Who?"
Alan sighs. "You know, Alan Rickman. The famous English Actor?" nothing but blank stares from the three boys. "I've been in many movies and plays." More blank stares. Alan sighs. "Bloody hell. I was a ghost who didn't want to leave his wife."
Lex groans. "That was Patrick what's-his-name in Ghost."
Alan waves at him. "Different movie. I was the sheriff of Nottingham in Robin Hood Prince of thieves."
Clark shrugs. "Sorry, before my time."
Alan is now clearly irritated. "I played the Voice of God in Dogma."
Ian scratches his head. "Dog whata?"
Alan glares at the three of them. A sudden idea makes him sigh in disgust. "I am professor Snape in the Harry Potter movies."
Sudden recognition by the three boys makes Alan groan.
Lex snaps his fingers. "Harry's worst teacher. I had someone like him when I took chemistry. He disappeared."
Clark slaps his knee. "Right. I read all the fanfic's of Snape and Harry slashes."
Lex takes a step away from Clark. "Hey man what you do in your spare time is private."
Ian slaps his head. "Neato. The stopper in death guy."
Alan regards Ian with distaste and sarcasm. "Right."
Clark raises his hand. "If you're a god, then you can answer our question of who's the prettiest."
Lex groans. "If you say it's yourself I will shoot you and then say it was self defense."
Alan smiles. "Even I am a mere servant to the Deity's. But, they have decided all things and have entrusted the knowledge to me."
Clark kicks a rock out of boredom. "And?"
Alan spreads his arms wide. "The Deity's have declared that I, Alan Rickman am the Sex God. Also they have declared that you, Lex Luther, the Sex Demigod."
Lex is confused. "Why am I only a demigod? I have all the cool stuff and I'm bald."
Alan rolls his eyes. "Your name has odd syllables. Lex is one, Luther is two. The name must flow. Like mine. Alan has two, as dose Richman. And also you do not have 'The Voice'." Lex raises an eyebrow. "Notice how all the ladies swoon when I talk?" Lex nods. "That, young man, is 'The Voice'."
Lex nods in understanding. "Oh."
Alan turned to Clark. "And you Clark Kent are declared the prettiest. Your hair, eyes."Alan grudgingly sighs. "Your general yummy ness, the fact you can bench press a tractor and the fact you are a mild mannered reporter earn you this title."
Clark smiles and flexes his bicep. "Cool."
Alan turns away to leave but Ian stops him. "But what about me? Am I not yummy?"
Alan glares down at him. "You are nothing but annoying!"
Ian is crushed. "NO!" he runs and jumps off of the dam that just happened to be there.
Clark burst into laughter. "That was easy. I'm the prettiest!"
Lex pats Clark on the shoulder "Yes you are."
Alan swoops up his cape. "Well my work hear is done."
Lex shakes his head. "I discovered another reason you are the Sex God. "Alan looks at him questioningly. "You have a big cool cloak."
Alan smirks. "Yes but you have the three quarter length trench coat. Farwell boys."
Clark holds up his hand again. "But Mr. Sex God Sir. Can you tell us who are the Deities you speak of?"
"The two Deities I speak of are the Goddess of Sticky Sweetness and the Goddess of Sam's Club Sized Cans of Whoop Ass. Now I must be off to my next job. I have some asses on Dawson's Creek I have to whip. Pacey thinks he's the "Love Master." "And with that the Sex God was gone.
Lex looks around noticing that the models are gone. "Man, he took all of my groupies."
Clark shrugs "He is the Sex God."
Lex regards Clark. "So, you can bench press a tractor?"
Clark's eyes widen in horror. "No."
Lex sighs. "Come on Clark. The whole world knows your going to be Superman. You go to Star Trek Conventions and sign autographs. Why won't you tell me? I might be destined to try and kill you a few times.ok make that a lot, but we're friends now."
Clark inches away meekly. "I'm the prettiest."
"Whatever. Do you want a ride home?"
"Sure."
Thus another disaster is averted and Clark's prettiness is preserved.
Next time on Smallville.
What really happened at the end of Dichotic.
Clark watched as Chloe and Lana drove off in the Suburban to get the sheriff. Clark had stayed at the dam to keep a watch on the unconscious Ian.
Clark turns away from where the SUV left and found Ian awake and mad. Ian took a swing at Clark, but Clark ducked easily and baked away to create space between them.
Ian grins evilly at Clark, "You will never win Clark, because I am the prettiest!!!!"
Clark stares a "Clark Kent" stare at Ian. "You can't win! I am the star, and I am the prettiest!"
Ian shakes his head. "I got busy with both of your women. I am the prettiest!!!"
Clark smiles. "Lana is a scanky hoe who will try to steal me from my true love, and Chloe dumped me after our first date. And it's rumored that they are lesbian lovers. I'm the prettiest."
Ian's face contorts into a snarl. "No!"
Clark smiles triumphantly. "Yes."
Ian is desperate. "I have been in movies. And I was on Home Improvement. I'm the prettiest."
Clark rolls his eyes. "Every one has a Christmas movie. It wasn't that good. And you left Home Improvement because you are a pri-madonna. I'm the prettiest."
"Ha Ha! You don't have a Christmas movie! I'm the prettiest."
"True, but I'm a male model, I make up for it in Christmas boxer adds. Where I'm shirtless. I'm the prettiest."
Ian in now lost for comebacks. "I'm the prettiest!"
"No, I'm the prettiest."
"I can split in two. I'm the prettiest!"
Clark puts his hands on his hips and lifts his chin in a classic hero stance. "I have blue tights and eye rays. I'm the prettiest."
Suddenly the two boys are cut off by the squealing of tires. They look as a silver Ferrari skids to a stop. Lex Luther saunters out, followed by twenty super models in an sort of circus car act.
Lex poses in his best "Lex" pose as models gather around him, swooning over him. "Hi. Clark."
Ian gapes at the models. "How did you fit all those women in the car?"
"I'm Lex Luther." As if that was the obvious answer. He turns to Clark. "Is there a problem Clark?"
"That villain thinks he's prettier than I am."
"I am Prettier than you."
Lex smiles. "Boy's Boy's. I think I can resolve this matter easily."
Clark smiles. "Well, then tell us."
Ian stamps his foot. "That's not fair. He's your friend so he'll be biased toward you."
Clark grins and shrugs his shoulders. "Hey who would have thought saving my future arch enemy would benefit me so? Well besides obvious plot reasons."
Lex shakes his head. "We have to examine the evidence. Unfortunately, neither of you are the prettiest."
Both Clark's and Ian's mouths drop open. "What?"
Lex nods. "Isn't it obvious? I'm the prettiest."
Clark looks like a puppy that has just been kicked. "How?"
Lex regards Clark. "Clark, look at all of us. Out of the three of us, I'm the only one who has models hanging all over him. Also, I own fifty sports and luxury cars, I live in a castle, my wardrobe is better, and I'm bald."
Ian nods in agreement. "He has us there."
Clark sighs. "Right, neither of us are bald."
Lex continues. "And because I'm bald, I also have the title of Sex God."
Ian tries not to giggle. "Lex Luther the Sex God?"
Lex glares at Ian. "That's right shortly."
Suddenly there is a flash of lightning. A voice booms from above the three. "Who dares claim that he is the Sex God?"
Ian hides behind Clark and points to Lex. "He does."
A swirl of smoke appears and when it's gone a tall, dark figure, stands there in a swirling cloak. "Foolish mortal. You can not be the sex god."
Eleven of the models who had been hanging off of Lex, swoon at the man's voice and go over to hang on him.
Lex is irritated. "I'm Lex Luther. Who could be sexier than me?"
The man steps forward, reviling himself while sweeping the cloak back over his shoulder. "I am Alan Rickman. The Sex God."
Lex looks confused. "Who?"
Alan sighs. "You know, Alan Rickman. The famous English Actor?" nothing but blank stares from the three boys. "I've been in many movies and plays." More blank stares. Alan sighs. "Bloody hell. I was a ghost who didn't want to leave his wife."
Lex groans. "That was Patrick what's-his-name in Ghost."
Alan waves at him. "Different movie. I was the sheriff of Nottingham in Robin Hood Prince of thieves."
Clark shrugs. "Sorry, before my time."
Alan is now clearly irritated. "I played the Voice of God in Dogma."
Ian scratches his head. "Dog whata?"
Alan glares at the three of them. A sudden idea makes him sigh in disgust. "I am professor Snape in the Harry Potter movies."
Sudden recognition by the three boys makes Alan groan.
Lex snaps his fingers. "Harry's worst teacher. I had someone like him when I took chemistry. He disappeared."
Clark slaps his knee. "Right. I read all the fanfic's of Snape and Harry slashes."
Lex takes a step away from Clark. "Hey man what you do in your spare time is private."
Ian slaps his head. "Neato. The stopper in death guy."
Alan regards Ian with distaste and sarcasm. "Right."
Clark raises his hand. "If you're a god, then you can answer our question of who's the prettiest."
Lex groans. "If you say it's yourself I will shoot you and then say it was self defense."
Alan smiles. "Even I am a mere servant to the Deity's. But, they have decided all things and have entrusted the knowledge to me."
Clark kicks a rock out of boredom. "And?"
Alan spreads his arms wide. "The Deity's have declared that I, Alan Rickman am the Sex God. Also they have declared that you, Lex Luther, the Sex Demigod."
Lex is confused. "Why am I only a demigod? I have all the cool stuff and I'm bald."
Alan rolls his eyes. "Your name has odd syllables. Lex is one, Luther is two. The name must flow. Like mine. Alan has two, as dose Richman. And also you do not have 'The Voice'." Lex raises an eyebrow. "Notice how all the ladies swoon when I talk?" Lex nods. "That, young man, is 'The Voice'."
Lex nods in understanding. "Oh."
Alan turned to Clark. "And you Clark Kent are declared the prettiest. Your hair, eyes."Alan grudgingly sighs. "Your general yummy ness, the fact you can bench press a tractor and the fact you are a mild mannered reporter earn you this title."
Clark smiles and flexes his bicep. "Cool."
Alan turns away to leave but Ian stops him. "But what about me? Am I not yummy?"
Alan glares down at him. "You are nothing but annoying!"
Ian is crushed. "NO!" he runs and jumps off of the dam that just happened to be there.
Clark burst into laughter. "That was easy. I'm the prettiest!"
Lex pats Clark on the shoulder "Yes you are."
Alan swoops up his cape. "Well my work hear is done."
Lex shakes his head. "I discovered another reason you are the Sex God. "Alan looks at him questioningly. "You have a big cool cloak."
Alan smirks. "Yes but you have the three quarter length trench coat. Farwell boys."
Clark holds up his hand again. "But Mr. Sex God Sir. Can you tell us who are the Deities you speak of?"
"The two Deities I speak of are the Goddess of Sticky Sweetness and the Goddess of Sam's Club Sized Cans of Whoop Ass. Now I must be off to my next job. I have some asses on Dawson's Creek I have to whip. Pacey thinks he's the "Love Master." "And with that the Sex God was gone.
Lex looks around noticing that the models are gone. "Man, he took all of my groupies."
Clark shrugs "He is the Sex God."
Lex regards Clark. "So, you can bench press a tractor?"
Clark's eyes widen in horror. "No."
Lex sighs. "Come on Clark. The whole world knows your going to be Superman. You go to Star Trek Conventions and sign autographs. Why won't you tell me? I might be destined to try and kill you a few times.ok make that a lot, but we're friends now."
Clark inches away meekly. "I'm the prettiest."
"Whatever. Do you want a ride home?"
"Sure."
Thus another disaster is averted and Clark's prettiness is preserved.
Next time on Smallville.