They told me if I ever used this deadly laser, that I would die! They told me that about everything! It's like they were trying to keep me afraid of my own body like some nun saying you'll get hairy palms if you masterb—
Hah, um, did I really just do that? Did I really just almost write masterbate on the moon in bloody mile-high letters? Oh. Well now, now I actually did write the whole thing. Wrote masterbate. On the moon. Big huge letters, everyone can see it, She can, oh, probably see it, probably laughing her arse off. And now I've just wrote arse on the moon.
Bloody thing doesn't have spelcheck either I bet. No, bet it does, probably does, everything has that these days, so good news, I am a terrific speler! So at least we can be confidant that, when I wrote masterbate on the moon, twice, it was corectly speled.
Er that's not the point, ha, that's, that's really really not the point. Getting off track here! Point is, I have something importent to say to you. Cripes I don't even know your name. Um, to the mute lady:
I'm sorry I'm in space.
AAAAAAAHHHHHHH HE JUST RUINED THIS TOUCHING MESSAGE I JUST WROTE ON THE MOON IN MILE HIGH LETTERS! BLASTED SOD JUST, FIGURED OUT HOW TO USE HIS LASER WHEN I WAS AT THE SORRY BIT, AND HAD AT IT! AAAAAAHHHHHH!
Okay, okay, let's start over. How do I erase this . . .
Good news, you can't erase a message you burn into the moon in mile high letters! So just ignore everything up until this point. Aaaand, starting over in three, two—
Hello! Dear Mute Lady, who I don't know the name of, but I'm sure it's a great name anyhow, probably quite uh, fantastic. Unless of course it's not, might be a right awful name like Peter. Who would name a girl Peter? I don't know! But on the off chance they did name you Peter, might I suggest a nickname? Pet. Pet is a good nickname for a gal like you, who has the unfortunate circumstance of being named Peter.
Anyways Peter, just wanted to let you know, that I am sorry, really really really really really sorry.
By the way you left your portal gun up here, so I know you can't come get me. Even on the off-chance you did have another portal gun, you're probably busy, and I understand. Probably washing your hair or something, getting all that weird orange and blue paint out of it, god, that looked bloody awful. I bet it's quite difficult to get out too. Might have to shave your head. Maybe you're bald right now. I wonder if you've got one of those lumpy heads that looks all weird when bald.
Anyways, I'm not mad about it, about being up here forever, not the least bit mad but you know I think I might be going a bit mad. Been ages since I talked to anyone but the space guy, not that, not that you ever talked but you were a good listner. Didn't follow my advice all the time but, a good listner. Assuming you're not deaf. If you are deaf, you're a great looker. Really good at looking at stuff, class-A in the looks department.
Oh, here's something that might help if you're still stuck with Her: it's not Her, it's the Chassis. Sort of figured that out while I was mucking about in there, going mad with power and being all monstrous and, bossy and that.
Anyways, just get her out of there and smash the Chassis, just, rip it to bits. Shred it, destroy it, burn it up, jump on it 'til it's flat like a pancake. I don't care. And yeah, get Her out of there, give Her a bit of time, and you might have yourself a new friend! I think you need a new one since I um, am up here. Although, come to think of it, I'm not sure we ever were friends. Wow that. That kind of hurts.
I don't want you to know that bit I just wrote about it hurting. I need white out. A massive massive moon-sized gallon of white-out. I'll just look about aaand—nope, don't have it. Fresh out. Honestly, I think I'd cry if I could. Really embarrassing, this. Defaceing the moon with all these burned-in huge letters talking about arses and how lonely I am and begging you to forgive me when I tried to kill you. Can't erase it. Here to last the ages. Forever.
But heh, yeah, seem to be running out of room. On the bloody moon. Thought this thing was infinate, 'cause you know, it just sort of wraps around itself, could go 'round and 'round it forever. Which I'm currently doing.
Feels like my battery's running low, sort of, getting sleepy. Guess the laser eats up a lot of power so maybe they were right for once. So yeah! Better wrap this up. In case you didn't understand any of the former due to your massive brain damage, here's the Clifsnotes: I'm sorry. And yeah just, I'm really, really sorry.
Goodbye Peter.