Legolas Got Run Over By His Fangirls!, a lord of the rings fanfic

Just to make sure that this is all perfectly clear . . . I DO NOT OWN LORD OF THE RINGS, AM NOT AFFILIATED WITH THEM AND DO NOT CLAIM ANY OF THEIR PROPERTY IN ANY WAY!! I do not own any other references to trademarked items, people, places, such the like. And I only put the little copyright sign on the FlashBack© part because I thought it was cute. There was no reason for me to do that at all, and I do not own FlashBacks©. Also, this is a Mary-Sue parody, so no disrespect was meant to any Mary-Sue. Anywhoo . . . enjoy the story!

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Long, shining, golden curled hair tumbled to her waist. Sparkling, clear blue periwinkle eyes seemed to have hidden lights dancing in them. Lush, full red lips that pouted of their own will. Pearl white teeth that shined 10 times brighter than the sun itself. Skin like polished alabaster. A voice like water rushing through a small stream, a laugh like windchimes in a spring breeze. A smile all her own, which made you think of games and holidays long past. Her smell of fragrant flowers in the night wind. A figure that would make even a certain 11 ½ inch doll proud. Even her name was poetry-Krystacalas.

Legolas drooled from his hiding place in the trees. The elf-girl was everything he had ever wanted and more. She moved with an unearthly grace, like a flowing fountain. So intent was he on her every move, he did not notice Gimli creeping up on him.

"What are you doing, lad?" Gimli asked, nearly causing Legolas to fall out of the tree.

Legolas clutched his chest, "Gimli! How the -censored- did you get up here?!"

"I climbed."

"Yeah, but I still would have heard you, with your weight."

Gimli looked over Legolas' shoulder. "Not with that elf girl catching your eyes," he grinned at him.

Legolas turned as red as Krystacalas' lips.

"Myself," Gimli stated, pulling the rest of his dwarfish bulk up the tree. "I prefer a woman with a full beard," he said as he drew his pipe and started to smoke it.

Legolas started to smirk.

"What? You think I'm joking? Beards are the highest beauty mark a dwarf woman can have!" Gimli asserted.

"You wouldn't understand Gimli," Legolas sighed and turned away. "You've never been in love before. You cannot understand how much she tugs at my heartstrings. Her smile is like angels' song. Her hair is finer than the best silk in Japan. Her eyes sparkle like Earth in the velvet blackness of space. Her . . . " Legolas continued, standing up in a fit of romantic fantasy.

"Uh, lad," Gimli interjected.

"What?!" asked Legolas, angry that his speech had been ruined.

"A few things," Gimli started listing. "One: You should start a career in romantic poetry. Two: The closest thing Middle-Earth has to angels are birds. Three: There is no Japan here. Four: This is not Earth, it's Middle Earth. Five: It is a really stupid idea to stand up on a tree branch."

Legolas realized the wisdom of these words too late to keep him from crashing down onto the ground, about five feet in front of Krystacalas. Surprised, she opened her mouth to speak, but was stopped by a rumbling that shook the ground.

"LEGOLAS!!!!" a hoard of screaming fangirls came over the hill, trampling everything in their path. Small rats with fluffy tails, spleens, trees, large cities, and certain annoying teachers.

Legolas started running as fast as his elfin legs would carry him, but even that would not save him from the fangirl fury chasing behind him. "LEGOLAS!! LEGGY!!"

One girl, who was running slightly faster than the others and wearing a particularly crazy expression held up a worn brown bear. "Legolas!! I HAVE YOUR TEDDY BEAR!!" she shouted.

Legolas made skid marks in the grass. "Raydar!" he yelled and started running toward the bear.

The girl whipped out a toy gun and pointed it at the bear's head. "Stay back or the bear gets it!"

"But that's a toy gun!" Legolas protested.

"And this is a toy bear," the girl replied.

Legolas reflected on those words. "Good point."

"Now drop them!" the girl demanded.

Legolas blanched. He knew what the girl was talking about. "No."

"NOW!!" the girl threatened, cocking the gun.

Legolas did not argue with the girl nor the authoress' logic that toy guns can be cocked. He slowly dropped his pants, revealing Spiderman boxer shorts that he had gotten half off at Kohl's.

The fangirls around him giggled. The girl holding Legolas' precious smiled. She uncocked the gun, but still held its muzzle to the bear's head. "Now sing it!" she demanded.

Legolas knew what song. Every fangirl had asked. He sighed and started to shake in his boxers. "I'm too smexy for my underwear, doo-dah, doo-dah."

Meanwhile, in Radar's mind, he was contemplating on when the opportune moment to try out the move taught last week in his dojo, KARATE FOR THOSE WHO ARE THE TEDDY BEARS OF FAMOUS GLOMPED PEOPLE.

Raydar's arm pushed the fangirl's arm away, breaking her arm. He grabbed her wrist so she couldn't point the gun at him, and handily started decimating fangirls.

Legolas stared at the little bear, his pants already belted, much to the disappointment of the readers. "You know," he started. "You should have joined the Fellowship."

"Hah!" Raydar yelled, throwing a fangirl over his shoulder. "What would have happened afterwards? It took you forever just to get to the bloody volcano, and if I missed karate for over a year, I would have gotten pounded to the floor."

Legolas did not pay attention to the bear's words, for at that moment, Krystacalas had come running in, her golden hair flying behind her, velvet skirts floating, chest pumping with her every move . . . you get the point.

Legolas fully expected her to leap into his arms and shout "My Hero!"

Krystacalas jumped into his arms and said, "my hero like you were like so brave like you werent like scared of like those like fangirls at all like and you like just like beat them like up"

Unfortunately for Legolas, the "he" was not him.

Raydar was a very happy bear.

Legolas muttered something to the point of "Traitor," and walked off, sulking.

Gimli met up with him, puffing.

"You should really stop smoking," Legolas said.

"Me? I can't die. I have a fanclub," Gimli proudly said. "A lightning bolt couldn't hurt me!"

As if to illustrate his point, a lightning bolt conveniently hit the dwarf, not even scorching his clothes.

"See?" Gimli grinned. "The audience loves me."

Legolas did not say a word.

Gimli sensed the elf's sorrow. "She was a Mary-Sue, lad," he said quietly.

Legolas looked at him in disbelief. "How could you tell?" he asked.

"Well, if you will turn around to watch the flashback in the rear screen, you will see." Gimli indicated the scenery behind them, which was indeed, turning into a flashback screen, courtesy of Magical Fanfiction Authoress Powers.

Gimli looked at the elfin girl. "Is there anything you can't do?"

The girl thought for a moment. "i cant like play the like banjo"

Gimli raised an eyebrow. "Anything else?"

The girl wrinkled her alabaster brow, clearly puzzled by the question. "no like not really"

Gimli turned back to Legolas. "She can do anything, she talks in all lowercase letters with no punctuation and accents every other word with 'like,' and the authoress had an extremely long and descriptive description paragraph in the beginning."

Legolas scrolled up the page to see that the dwarf was right.

Gimli grinned at the spiffy elf. "Home now lad?"

Legolas laughed and together the two friends walked off into the most convenient and fastest sunset ever seen by man . . . or elf, dwarf, ringwraith, the ringwraith's weird dragon things, and rabbits with blood-covered fangs.

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Okay! This story has been stuck in my head for a long while, so I thought I'd finally get it out on paper. This was not meant to disrespect any Mary-Sue's out there, it's just pointing out some flaws the flawless characters have. I did reference other movies, books, etc, but I'm not telling you what they are ; ) You'll have to figure them out for yourself.