Day 1- March 9, 2009
Today we were assigned a 30 day journal assignment. The teacher told us she wanted us to write every day even if nothing happened. Write whatever mundane thought or event that happens in our day. At the end of the month we are supposed to read through it and write a summary of our month. She said we would be surprise at the little lessons we might learn about life or ourselves and how each day is a journey and to never take any of it for granted. I guess we will see if that's true. I'm not really sure what can happen in a month. I think my teacher just wants a perverted view into our lives (please don't dock me points for this it's just a mundane thought that happened to me and that's what you said the assignment was). Anyway I have real homework to do; math and chemistry. So until tomorrow.
-E.F.
Day 1
This assignment is stupid and so is the teacher. I hate this class so much. I would light her desk on fire if I wasn't one more incident away from being kicked out of school and shipped off to boot camp. Not that I'm afraid of boot camp, I'm just too lazy to go through the lame drills and shit. Besides the dork that sits next to me in class is fun to pick on. Today she asked to borrow a pen and I gave her one I had chewed all the way down the shaft. The face she made when she took a hold of it was priceless. She called me a disgusting pig, that's the best compliment I've ever received so thanks dork face. I'm going to go collect farts in a jar now to open at her face tomorrow. Smell ya later!
Day 2- March 10, 2009
I hate Paige McCullers! She opened a jar in class today and it smelled like a diaper! She told me she had been saving all of her farts for me. Who does that!? I told on her and tried to get my assigned seat moved away from her but my teacher told me to deal with it. I swear she thinks we're all some social experiment for her own entertainment. I think I am going to tell the principal if she keeps picking on me. What is her problem? I hate her. Also my dad gets home this weekend, I am so excited! Can't wait to hug him! He is going to take me to see Watchmen. I have been waiting for this movie since I heard about it. My dad knows how big a fan of the graphic novels I am. It's going to be a great weekend.
-E.F.
Day 2
Emily's face was priceless when I opened the fart jar! I thought she was going to puke it was pretty epic! I got yelled at but it was so worth it. I couldn't stop laughing the entire class. It was the best day I've had in that stupid class all year.
Emily is the dork that sits next to me by the way. Emily Fields. What a dweeb name.
Day 3- March 11, 2009
Tacos for lunch today. I had a test in math and I totally nailed it. I think I might be the top of the class by the time I'm a Senior. Then I will be able to leave this town and do something amazing with my life. I think I want to travel around the world and paint the entire world from my point of view. Maybe I want to be a Veterinarian. I haven't decided. All I know is I want to get out of this place. High school is a living Hell, whoever said it was the best four years of your life must have had a bad adulthood. I am only a Sophomore and I am already sick of it. How do people survive this place? All those movies are lying. Maybe I will write a movie about what a real high school experience is all about. I think teenagers need to see that.
-E.F.
Day 3
Emily didn't even look at me today. Maybe she was really mad about the farts. Oh well she's a dork I'm glad she didn't annoy me today.
Day 4- March 12, 2009
Almost the weekend! One more day until my dad is home. I can't wait to show him how well I have been doing in school. He always told me he thought I was the smartest girl in world. I can't wait for him to see that he was right. This is going to be the best weekend ever!
Day 4
All she talked about today was her dad. It was kind of cute to see her smiling so much. She's pretty lucky to have a dad that loves her. I wish mine did.
Day 5- March 13, 2009
My daddy is here! Well, at home! I am still at school but I couldn't wait to write about him so I'm sitting in study hall waiting for the bell to ring. I am going to run home as fast as I can. He said he had a surprise for me. It's probably a gift from his latest travels to the desert. Last time he brought me a scorpion encased in glass, it was gross, but I kept it because it reminds me of him. I miss him so much, I can't wait until this tour is over and he can be at home with my mom and I. A girl needs her dad.
The bell just rang! Time for some daddy time!
-E.F.
Day 5
I fucking hate weekends. Maybe I'll knock off a 7-11 or something to pass the time.
Day 6- March 14, 2009
The movie was so amazing! Not like the novels, obviously, but to see the characters I have read about come to life was cool. Maybe I am a big dork but I had a great time. It might be just because I was there with my dad, though. I think I could have watched paint dry and had a great time as long as he was there beside me. After the movie we walked around the mall and he took me shopping anywhere I wanted. We ended up at the bookstore and he spent $150 on books for me. He told me he wants me to write a report about each one after I finish it and send it to him so he knows his money isn't going to waste. I am so excited I will start reading these as soon as he leaves. I wish he didn't have to leave but now I will have something to tie me to him until he comes back again.
-E.F.
Day 6
Fucking bored. I wonder how Emily liked her dumb movie she went to with her stupid dad. I think I am going to build a firecracker and set it off in class on Monday just to scare her. That should be fun. Gotta sneak into the garage and see what my dad has that I can light on fire. Should be easy, he's passed out on the couch. Again.
Day 7- March 15, 2009
Dad is leaving tomorrow. I don't want to talk about it. It's always so sad and I always get my hopes up that he doesn't have to leave but he always does. I wish he wasn't in the Army. I hate the Army.
Day 7
I fucking hate my dad.
Day 8- March 16, 2009
Been sad all day. All I can think about is my dad. He got me an engraved pen and each time I look at it, I get sad all over. Even worse I noticed Paige had a black eye in class and when I asked her if she was okay to told me to keep my prissy nose out of it. I was just trying to reach out. I think she's just a mean soul.
-E.F.
Day 8
My dad is a dick. Emily noticed my black eye and asked about it. Like she even cares? Her life is perfect why the Hell does it matter how my eye got black? She'd probably just open her big mouth anyway and that's the last thing I need is some authorities to come knocking at the door and piss him off even more. I hope this black eye goes away quick or I'm going to have to make up a story about kicking some dork's ass this weekend.
Day 9- March 17, 2009
I am worried about Paige. I noticed some scars on her arm today and I couldn't tell if they were recent or not. I don't wanna ask. She caught me looking and pulled her sleeve down. I don't know why but I feel for her. She's been nothing but mean to me but I never stopped to realize she might be hurting. Maybe I will ask tomorrow.
-E.F.
Day 9
God she's so fucking nosey! She was looking at my arms today. I really hope she keeps her nose out of this. She wouldn't understand.
Day 10- March 18, 2009
I offered her a cookie from my lunch today. I told her it was left over and I didn't want to take it home because my mom would ask why I didn't eat it. I think I actually saw her smile today. It's the first time I've ever seen it. It was nice. Maybe she just needs a friend.
-E.F.
Day 10
I hate Emily Fields. She gave me a fucking cookie today, what the Hell? She's such a princess. Princess of the land of dorks. Her face is so irritating. I am going throw gum in her hair tomorrow.
Day 11- March 19, 2009
I wonder what she was writing about today in class. She kept looking at me then writing in her journal. It's the first time I've seen her actually have her notebook in class let alone actually writing in it. She was probably talking about how much she hates school and me and the class. She caught me looking at her once and for a second I think she might have smiled but I'm not sure. She's kind of a mystery to me.
-E.F.
Day 11
She keeps looking at me and I don't know why. My black eye is pretty much gone and I wore long sleeves and a jacket to class so she couldn't bug me about that stuff. She is looking at me like she is trying to figure me out. You know when you are looking at a piece of art and trying to decide if you like it or not and what the artist was saying? She kind of looked at me like that. We just made eye contact. I hope she doesn't know I am writing about her. I like writing about her she makes me forget about my dad for a second. I hate him so much.
Day 12- March 20, 2009
Paige wasn't in class today. I didn't realize how easily she made the time pass in there. I used to hate when she picked on me but I think I kind of miss it. I hope she is okay.
-E.F.
Day 13- March 21, 2009
Went to the mall today with my mom. She made me buy new shoes even though the ones I have now aren't that old. So what if they have a hole in the bottom? Nothing a little duct tape can't fix, right? I gave in and let her buy me new shoes. I pretended to throw the old ones out but I hid them in my backpack. I am going to take them to school on Monday and change into them every day. What can I say, I love those shoes.
-E.F.
Day 14- March 22, 2009
Played video games all day today. My mom said I should go outside so I went for a bike ride into the woods. I ran into Paige there, of all people. She was trying to set fire to the old abandoned barn out there. She had a cut on her lip and I asked her about it. She said she got it falling out of a tree. I don't believe her because she shifted around like she was uncomfortable and wouldn't look me in the eyes. I think something is going on at home but how do you ask someone that without them getting mad at you? I really do just want to help.
-E.F.
Day 14
Fuck. My dad beat the shit out of me Friday night and Emily saw me today and asked me what happened to my face. I had to lie to her. God why did she have to ride her stupid bike into the woods? Why does she have to be so nosey? I'm not going to school tomorrow. I'm not going to give her the chance to ask me what happened again.
Day 15- March 23, 2009
Paige wasn't in school again today. I am really worried about her now. I hope she is alright. Maybe I will stop by to see her after school. I wonder if anyone knows where she lives. I bet my mom does, she knows everyone. But I don't want her to know I am going to her house she will probably tell me to stay away from her. Maybe I will steal her address book when she isn't looking.
-E.F.
Day 16- March 24, 2009
No Paige again at school today but that is okay. I have her address. I knew my mom would have it. I guess that is the perk of her being the head of the PTA board. She made a note about how she had never seen Paige's parents at any of the meetings, though. I wonder if they are away like my dad is. I will soon find out. I am going to go to her house today after school and make sure she is okay. I hope she doesn't get mad at me.
-E.F.
Day 16
What the fuck Emily came to my house today! Luckily my dad was gone to the store when she showed up. I told her she had to leave but she didn't listen. She told me she missed me at school today and that she was worried about me. I didn't know what to say. She seemed to be genuine about it. Part of me was annoyed because it's none of her business but part of me wanted to tell her everything. I don't know what to do. I am afraid she is going to find out about my dad and then what? She will tell someone. Maybe she won't want to be friends if she finds out. I think I have to start being mean to her again at school so she backs off. Looks like I am going back to school tomorrow.
Day 17- March 25, 2009
Paige was mad at me. I could see it in her face. She looked worried too, though. She didn't let me come inside her house. Maybe her mom was busy. I didn't see any cars in the driveway, though. She kept looking around like she was expecting someone. Then today in class she didn't even look at me. I tried to say hello and ask her how she was but she didn't even acknowledge me. I think I am going to go over there again tonight. I think she needs someone there for her.
-E.F.
Day 17
Ignoring her didn't work. She showed up again. My dad was passed out but I made her leave in case he woke up. The last thing I need is for her to see him at his finest. I need to tell her to stop coming to my house.
Day 18- March 26, 2009
Paige told me to stop coming over. I asked her why and she told me her mom is a neat freak and hates visitors she doesn't know. When I told her to introduce me so I wouldn't be a stranger she said her mom wasn't home and that I had to go away. She looked scared, almost. She doesn't seem to have any other friends so I can't ask them about her parents. I think I am going to go over there again tonight and see if maybe she wants to come have dinner at my place. That would be nice.
-E.F.
Day 18
My dad was awake when Emily stopped by and
Day 19- March27, 2009
I'm so worried. Paige isn't in school today and when I went to her house last night her dad was there. He kept yelling at her to get back inside and kept asking who she was talking to. She told me to get out of there and slammed the door in my face. I heard some yelling and a crash and then I got on my bike and rode home as fast as possible. I hope she is okay. I feel like I need to tell someone.
-E.F.
Day 20- March 28, 2009
I rode by Paige's house a few times to see if maybe I could catch a glimpse of her inside or even in her yard but I didn't see anything. I went into the woods and she wasn't there. I wanted to knock but I was scared. What if something bad happened? I didn't sleep at all last night thinking about her. What should I do?
Day 21- March 29, 2009
I asked my mom today if she knew anything about Paige's parents. When she asked me why I was asking I told her that Paige and I were partners on a project and I hadn't heard from her to start working on it so I wanted to know if she knew them. She just got quiet and said she didn't know much. She told me she knew her mother wasn't in the picture and her dad wasn't a great dad. She told me I should ask my teacher if I could have a new partner because she didn't want my grades to suffer. I hope she's wrong about her dad. I hope Paige shows up to school tomorrow so I can ask her what's going on. It's time to stop beating around the bush. I think she needs real help.
-E.F.
Day 22- March 30, 2009
No Paige at school again. I'm really worried now. I need to find out what is going on. If she keeps missing school she is going to flunk out. I have a feeling if her dad isn't so great that skipping school to stay at home is the last thing she wants to be doing. I need to find out where she is so I can convince her to keep up with school. It will help get her out of this mess. Hopefully.
-E.F.
Day 23- March 31, 2009
Paige is in the hospital. My mom told me she heard from a friend that she was admitted over the weekend. I am going to see her after school. I need to know what happened.
-E.F.
Day whatever the fuck
Emily came by today. I'm mortified. She brought me the homework I have missed, including my backpack, which means she went to my house. She told me she told my dad she had been assigned by the school to take home my homework and my dad seemed to believe it. She said he didn't seem suspicious. Then she asked me what happened and how I landed in the hospital. I told her my dad and I were fighting and I stormed up the steps and tripped over my bag and fell back down. She didn't look like she believed me but she was too nice to call me out on my lie. She told me she noticed I had missed a few days in my journal. I hope she didn't read it. I hope she doesn't tell anyone about what happened to me. I can't believe she is doing this. I was nothing but mean to her and now she is the only one that cares about me. I can't wait to get out of this hospital bed and tell her thank you.
Day 24- April 1, 2009
I went to see Paige again after school today. It was nice. She was a lot more alert today than yesterday. She let me sit down next to her bed and we talked a lot. We even joked a little and laughed. It was nice to see her smile again. I helped her with her homework and we talked about my dad. I didn't ask about hers and I could tell she was glad I didn't. She asked me to leave once her medication kicked in because she was tired. I told her I would see her tomorrow. Once she fell asleep I sat there next to her and held her hand for an hour. I just watched her sleep and it was the first time I had ever seen her so at peace. I didn't realize it before today how much pain is in her eyes. I hope she gets better soon because I really want to be her friend.
-E.F.
Day 24
I really like her. She makes me forget that my life is a shit show. She came by today and I think I laughed for the first time in months. She makes me smile. After she left and I passed out on my pain meds I had a dream she held my hand all night. It's not too weird, I think about her a lot and she was the last person I saw before I went to sleep so I think it's normal to dream about her. It was a nice dream. I will never tell her about it though. I don't want her to think I'm weird.
Day 25- April 2, 2009
Took Paige some flowers today and I think she liked them. She smiled and even said thank you which I think was a big accomplishment for her. She is getting better. I think she said she gets to go home this weekend as long as she doesn't have an infection. I don't think she wants to go home, though. I have a feeling it was her dad that put her in here in the first place. A part of me wants to tell someone but I don't think it's a good idea. I've heard about things like this where the parents blame the kids when they tell someone what's going on and they hurt them again. I don't want Paige to get hurt again but I don't think her dad will stop and she isn't going to stand up to him. It's a double edged sword. There has to be a way out.
-E.F.
Day 25
I don't want to go home. I like when Emily comes to visit me and she won't be able to come visit when I go home. My dad won't allow it. Maybe I can fake more pain so I have to stay here. I want to keep hanging out with her and stay away from him at the same time. I am going to beg the nurses to let me stay here. If I have to go home I don't think I'll stay there too long. I'll run away or something because I can't stay in that house with my dad anymore. I need a way out I just don't know how. I'm scared.
Day 26- April 3, 2009
I didn't get to see Paige today. I went to see her but her dad was there in her room. I couldn't hear what they were saying but he was yelling at her. I think she was refusing to go home with him. I didn't want to interrupt but I did see the fear in her eyes. I am 100% sure he is hurting her now. I think I am going to tell my mom tonight. I can't let Paige go home with him when she is in danger.
-E.F.
Day 26
I'm leaving tonight. As soon as my dad passes out thanks to his whiskey bottle he's been gripping since I got home I am out of here. Screw school, screw this town, I am done. I will get a job and live in a shelter if I have to until I can get a car and a place. There is nothing in this town for me. Well, Emily is here but it's probably better for her if I get out of her life now anyway. I think she was starting to like me and that would have been bad for her. I am no good. I feel bad for not saying goodbye but it's easier that way. I won't have to see her sad. Assuming she actually really cared about me, that is. I have a hard time knowing who I can trust and who really cares but there is a feeling deep down that tells me Emily really did. That's why I have to leave. She would see what scum I am and only be disappointed, just like everyone else in my life.
Day 27- April 4, 2009
I told my mom that I thought something was going on with Paige and her dad. She asked me if I had any proof and I said nothing solid. I told her about the black eye and cut lip in the woods and the hospital. She said she would see what she could do but she couldn't make any promises. My mom said she went by her place today to speak to her dad under the pretense of his absence from all PTA meetings. He said he hadn't seen her all day. He checked her room and her things were gone. I don't know what this means. I hope she's okay. Maybe she just went to a friend's house for the night.
-E.F.
Day 28- April 4, 2005
I knocked on her door today. Her dad was drunk when he answered. He asked me who the Hell I was and what I wanted. I asked if Paige was home. He said he hadn't seen that brat since Friday and he hoped she was dead in a ditch somewhere. I ran home and cried. I am worried about her. Where is she? I hope she is safe. I miss her already.
-E.F.
Day 29- April 5, 2005
No Paige at school. I think she's really gone. I feel empty. I hope she's not really dead in a ditch. I hope she met someone between the hospital and home that swept her off her feet and took her away to a palace and is taking care of her and loving her. She deserves something good in this life.
-E.F.
Day 30- April 6, 2009
I got a curious piece of mail today after school. It's from Paige. It means she is alive but I am afraid to open it.
It's her school journal. I don't know why she would give it to me. I'm afraid to read it.
I am speechless.
-E.F.
Emily-
Hey, it's Paige. I don't really know why I thought you might like this shitty journal but I figured you deserved something. Maybe you can get a little bit of insight as to what happened, who I am, and why I had to leave. I hope you understand. Don't turn this shit in, I'm not going back to school so I'm not worried about the grade on it. I just thought it would be nice for you to have some sort of explanation. Look, I left town because I couldn't live with my dad anymore. He's a drunk and he beats me pretty regularly. It's why I'm so mean all the time because I'm angry and hurt. I just wanted to say I was sorry for how I've treated you in the few classes we've shared in school. I was horrible to you. I was horrible to a lot of people but you are the only one I care to apologize to because you are the only one who attempted to see past it and get to who I was. I'm not a good person Emily but there were a few times when we were talking where I felt like maybe you believed I could be. You made me feel like maybe I could be something besides a mess up but I can't. So I had to leave. I never wanted to not disappoint someone in my life but you. You are the only person I cared about impressing. I think I might have loved you but I could never tell you because I couldn't let you get hurt. Please don't worry about me, I will be fine. I've always been a fighter. I had to get away from my dad but I also had to get away from you before I let myself get in too deep and ended up hurting you. Maybe one day I can come visit you but until then I hope you find happiness and success because if there is anyone who deserves it, it's you even if you are a huge dork. Have a good life, Emily. Thank you for the cookie that one day. I think that's the day I realized I loved you.
Paige