She knew the sounds and smells were familiar but her ability to identify them seem just out of reach. There was a heavy fog where her brain used to be and and she couldn't reach around it. She could feel her pulse banging a drum on her occipital lobe, steady and loud and all encompassing; highlighted by the white heat of sharp pain piercing her temporal lobe. Her head felt like it was too big, too much, an incorrectly sized helmet that she wants to remove so she can breathe.
Breathe.
She tried that, counting her breaths, slowing them down. It seemed to increase the pain, sharpen it, magnify it, cloak her in it.
She opened her eyes.
Black. Why was it so dark? It was a darkness she'd never felt before, drowning in inky deep layers upon layers of black. She couldn't breathe.
"Jane?"
"You're awake! Shhhh, I'm here, I'm right here"
Long fingers intertwined with hers. Familiar, safe. She pulled, wanting her closer. She moved her hand up the toned forearm, found an elbow, a bicep, a shoulder, a neck and pulled again. Her hand brushed a face. She knew this face. Her eyes had caressed it many times, but now her fingers took a turn. She felt a creased brow, traced eyebrows, the strong nose, those cheekbones. She didn't realise how close Jane was until she exhaled. She must have been holding her breath. Her thumb traced soft lips. They must have only been inches away but she couldn't see them.
It calmed her to hear Jane's voice, to feel her skin under her fingers. But she was still drowning in black and feeling the panic rise in her throat.
"Why can't I see you?"
She pulled her closer. Wanted to feel more. Needing to be grounded. To find the light in the never ending sea of black.
Lips met softly, slowly; then deeply, breathlessly. Her fingers clung to Jane's neck, her thumb resting on her pulse. She felt fingers gently cradling her chin and tangled in her hair. She tasted salt and metal and home and loneliness. And fear.
"Why can't I see you?"
She was sobbing into Jane's neck but she realised the salt was not just from her own tears. A slow shaky breath. A beat. Jane pulled away and the bed shook and rattled.
"Jane!"
"Sorry, sorry. I'm here, I'm right here"
And then she was, right next to her, body pressed up against her own. Hand in hers. Her face found it's home nuzzled into Jane's neck again.
Breathe.
"I can't see you… I can't see.."
"We'll figure it out. They'll figure it out. But you're alive and you're safe and I'm right here and that's what matters right now. We'll figure the rest out."