Teenage Dirtbag

Disclaimer: Teenage Dirtbag (the song) belongs to Wheatus (the words have been changed to suite me) and all the FF characters belong to Squaresoft but if you ask me if we, fanfic writers, owned them they would be better cared for. On the other hand half of them would be gay and most of the girls would be killed. *Shrug* Guess it's better that Squaresoft looks after them

Note: I have to get this out of my head before they drive me insane!! Every time I hear Teenage Dirtbag I keep thinking, FF high school. Every time I try to replay FF9 I think Zidane in high school and I have even started dreaming about Squall and Seifer in high school!!!! So either I'm loosing my mind or the FF gods are trying to tell me something. Not the Squaresoft guys because they told me not to go near any FF characters under court penalty of physical abuse. (Honest mister Squaresoft executive person sir, I have no idea how Zidane, Squall, Kuja, Seifer, Cloud and Reno all got love bites that seems to resemble my teeth marks, really. And I have no idea who ran Yuffie over with a truck. *Grey gets thought-bubble of Yuffie lying in road like the coyote in Roadrunner after being run over and Grey smiles evilly*) I mean Odin, Shiva, Ramuh, Ifrit and Leviathan.

Anyway this story is a crossover between FF games. This is a scenario that never should have happened but did anyway; all of them, together in high school (Run in terror!!!). Most if not all are OOC. Way, way OOC and their all 17 now. I think I found a crossover to end all crossovers. Okay comments are as always, welcome. Flamers will be deleted, um I mean dealt with by the Turks and Seifer *Seifer smiles as he sharpens his gunblade* Okay I can't think of anything else so...

The fight was a hopeless one. Zidane was facing a red dragon with only his two daggers and now he was bleeding badly and in the mercy of the beast, and the beast wasn't feeling merciful. The monster smiled evilly at him and lifts up his claws to strike down our hero. As Zidane tries to scramble away desperately as the monster opens his mouth and lets out a mighty... Beep!?

BEEP... BEEP ...BEEP ...BEEP ...BEEP...

Zidane's hand snakes out from under the covers and picks up the alarms and throws it out of the window.  A moment later an 'awh' is heard from outside the window. He sits up and stretches himself out. Something hard and metally hits him in the back out the head and bounces under the bed. He rubs his head and reaches under the bed to pick up the UFO (unidentified flying object, get it?) only to discover that it's his alarm clock being returned. He leans out the window to see his little sister, Mikoto, standing outside rubbing her head where the alarm clock had hit her.

"Bull's eye." Zidane whispers as he gets out of bed. He picks up a pair of jeans from the floor pulling them on over his boxers and then goes to the closet and pulls out a black Korn T-shirt. He pulls on the T and then goes to his mirror and pulls his mass of blond hair into a ponytail. He pulls on his Doc Martins and is about to leave when there's a loud pounding on his door.

"Zidane if you hit me with the clock one more time I'll kill you!" Mikoto yells as she slams his door open.

"Promises, promises." He answers drolly and pushes past her. But she grabs onto his tail and yanks him back.

"Ouch, hey stop that!" Zidane

"Say you're sorry." Mikoto

"Yes, sorry that I have a sister like you!" She gives his tail another pull "Ouh!"

"Say it!"

"No!"

Now this could have gone on a long time but luckily Kuja, who had been waiting in his Landrover, comes into Zidane room.

"Hey if you two want a lift, hurry up." Kuja says, placing his hands on his hips. Both his sibs look at him and then burst out laughing. Kuja looks at himself. He is wearing black boots and pants, a white theater shirt and a purple waistcoat.

"What's so funny?" He asks moving some bangs out of his eyes.

"You are so gay." Mikoto

"Either that or you're performing the part of a pirate you next production." Zidane       

"Well at least I'm not a stage-hogger like you. You performed your fight scene 15 times." Kuja referring to the play Zidane's high school had performed only the week before.

 "Um, guys, we're late." Mikoto

The class was restless. In front Selphie and her boyfriend Irvine sat eating each other out. Blank and Marius trying to see who could hit Zell with a spitball while he was shadow boxing across the room but they only managed to hit Irvine's hat.

Tifa sat on her table in her little skimpy outfit talking to the whole football team who where all staring at her breast implants. Yuffie was sitting next to Tifa blowing bubbles out of her gum and feeding off of the cheerleader's popularity.

Reno, Rude, Vincent and Tseng where sitting in the back of the class. Tseng read a weapon's magazine, Rude was cleaning his shades, Vincent was reading a book titled 'how to become more depressed' and Reno sat smoking with his feet on the table.

In the middle of the class Cloud and Aeris sat together whispering. Aeris laughs at Cloud's jokes and tosses her hair back. Barret who is sitting behind then mutters something about young love.

Elsewhere Rinoa was sitting next to Squall trying to talk to him.

"Squall."

"......."

"Squall?"

"........"

"SQUALL!!!"

"........"

Seifer sat behind them, laughing his head off.

Vivi and Zidane sat behind Seifer and where talking about AD&D.

The teacher comes into the class, her golden hair tied up as usual. Reno's eyes fall on her and he start singing

"Hey babe! Ooh Ahh, I wanna know, if you'll be my girl."  The whole class laughs and Quistis (the teacher) turns red.

"Reno, do you want to pass this class?" She asks with her hands on her hips

"No, do you?" More laughter and Quistis lets out a sigh.

"We have a new pupil." She motions to the door and Dagger appears and Zidane sits up straight, staring at her. His tail stands up straight.

Her name is Dagger
I could have dreams about her
She rings my bell.
I got gym class in half an hour
And, oh, how she rocks
In Keds and tube socks.
But she doesn't know who I am.
And she doesn't give a damn about me.

Reno notices and he just can't resist the urge to humiliate the short, blond, heartthrob.

"Hey sis, you better watch out! Zidane's chick-radar is going off, and anyone in this class can tell you he's one horny monkey."

And in response Selphie jumps up "No he's not, he's one funky money."

Cuz I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby
Yeah I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby
Listen to Iron Maiden, baby, with me (Ooh)

"I'll have none of you ruffians near Dagger; she is high above all of you." Steiner says who is dressed like a FBI agent.

"Steiner!" Dagger. She puts her hand on her hips and glares at him crossly.

Her bodyguard's a dick
He brings a gun to school
He simply kick my ass if he knew the truth.
He watches me like a hawk
and he drives an IROK
and he doesn't know who I am
and he doesn't give a damn about me

Dagger walks to the open seat next to Seifer and sits down. Steiner follows and stand in the back of the class.

"Hi, I'm Dagger."

"Name's Seifer." Seifer.

Zidane stares at her, feeling a little hurt that she doesn't seem to notice him. He decides to take action and gets up, walks over to her table and holds out his hand to her.

"Hi I'm..."

"Don't you dare touch the Princess, I mean Dagger!" Steiner yells, rushing forward and knocking Zidane to the floor.

"Steiner!" Dagger

"Hey you asshole what you think you're doing?" Reno says getting up to help his friend.

Zidane only sits on the floor staring up at Dagger.

"Princess?" He whispers to himself. He rubs the spot where Steiner's fist had connected with his cheek. He stands up but his ego along with all hope of love between him and Dagger remains on the floor. His tail hangs limp between his legs as he excuses himself from class to wash the blood from his cheek.

As he leaves the class he sees Dagger talking to Seifer again like nothing happened and the rejection hurt more that his cheek.

Cuz I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby
Yeah I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby
Listen to Iron Maiden, baby, with me (Ooh)

Yeah...dirtbag
No she doesn't know what she's missin'

The water was cool on his hands. Zidane had been in the bathroom for 30 minutes now, just letting the water run over his fingers. He looked at himself in the mirror again. Only the skin was broken where love (and Steiner) had struck him down and out.  The sudden appearance of the red-head known as Reno makes him jump around. Along with Reno was Squall.

"Zidane if you don't hurry you'll miss the whole of break." Reno remarks as he lights another cigarette. Squall only nods.

"Leave me alone." Zidane says taking hold of his tail.

"It's not about Dagger is it?" Squall

"Yes it is." Zidane

"What's wrong? You've cracked tougher nuts." Reno

"But she's a princess. And her bodyguard could kill me." Zidane

"Hard luck buddy. She seems to like Seifer though and we all know you can't get any rougher than Seifer." Reno

"What are you saying about me Red?" Seifer asks as he slams open the door. Reno turns around and calmly looks at Seifer.

"I was saying that Dagger better be prepared if you two get serious because she's gonna need a microscope to find your dick." Reno

Seifer picks Reno up by the front of his T-shirt and glares at him. Reno looks at him calmly, his eyes almost seeming to mist over with relaxation.

"No violence in school."  Reno says blowing smoke in Seifer's face.

In response Seifer throws Reno to the floor and leaves.

"Dumbass." Reno

"So Zidane, you coming to the Halloween bash? I hurt from Rinoa that Dagger is coming." Squall asks changing the subject.

"Well I have noting better to do tonight. I'll be there." Zidane...

"I shouldn't have come." Zidane says to himself.

He was dressed in his game getup, you know blue everything.  Next to him sat Squall who was dressed as a knight and Rinoa who was an angel. On the other side sat Reno, Tseng and Rude dressed in blue suites and shades claiming to be Turks. Vincent sat next to them dressed as a vampire. Vivi was a mage and Tifa was dressed, as always, as a cheerleader. Yuffie had blessedly covered her face and came as a ninja. Cloud was a mummy and Aeris was a ghost. Selphie was dressed as a five year old and Irvine was a cowboy.

"Don't be like that Zidane!" Selphie

"......" Zidane

"What did he say?" Rinoa

"He said go away and leave me alone." Squall

"Oh so that's what ..... Means. Hey!"  She smacks Squall when she realizes what he just said.

Amazed starts playing and the Turks excuse themselves for smoke break. The rest all head out to the dance floor, leaving Zidane to wallow in his own misery.

Man, I feel like mold
It's Halloween night and I am lonely lo' and behold

Zidane looks up to see where his friend and sees Dagger heading to his table which was in the back of the hall in the corner. None the less Zidane turns around and looks to make sure she is heading his way. When he looks back he sees her giggle.

She's walkin' over to me, this must be fake
My lip starts to shake

How does she know who I am?
Why does she give a damn about me?
I've got two tickets to Iron Maiden, baby
Come with me Friday, don't say maybe
I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby, like you (ooh ooh) Yeah...dirtbag
No, she doesn't know what she's missin'