Disclaimer: If it's from a book, movie, video game, magazine, etc etc blah blah, it's not ours. You should know that by now. We do, however, own the song "Not Gonna Be Your Leverage". Padfoot wishes she owned Orlando Bloom. Sadly, she does not.
Additional 4 Marauders Disclaimer: Beware! This story contains silliness and/or randomness and is intended for immature audiences. If this is not your cup of tea, have a nice day. Any mention of a male character being attractive in any way, is from the AUTHOR'S point of view, NOT the character's, UNLESS that character is a female of proper age (ex. not a child).
Note: Explanation for how we come up these in our profile. Know that when you see initials, it's 'cuz that person wrote the above "section" of story. (Pd) is Padfoot, (M) is Moony, (E) is Evans, and (Pr) is Prongs.
A/n: Hello, it's Padfoot again, the official typer-upper and somewhat-editor of the Marauders Nonsense Stories (at least, the ones in my possession). This one was done one weekend a long while ago when Evans and I were really bored, rather hyper, everything was hilarious, we missed Moony and Prongs, and could think of not much else to entertain ourselves. So Episode 5 and 6 were born. Also, this was written after Shrek but before they announced they were going to make Shrek 2 or 3. Just FYI.
Episode 5 – An Insane Amount of Characters
"So what's in a name, by which if we called a rose any other name it would smell as sweet. That's the line, right?" Kirakakash (Kida, to those who can't say or spell her name) called to her agent, who, for the third time gave her a thumbs down.
"AARGH! Who put the Shakespeare book in my trailer in first place!?" Kida's face was red with anger.
"Thad be me. I tot it'd be a bit 'o light readin', k?" Vinny "Hey-look-I-made-a-bridge" answered.
"Cut! Cut cut cut! I need this RIGHT, comprenday!?" Lilo yelled at her disrupted cast. Yes, Lilo was back again, and in her usual way. "Stitch! I need some water, ya mind?" She said to her… thing.
"Okey dokey." Stitch fetched his master and friend and boss a glass of water.
"Do you trust me?" a tanned hand appeared and then a lady in an Arabian Night's outfit.
"Aladdin? Not again." Lilo had a lot of problems. For one, HER remake of "Atlantis" wasn't going well at all. Secondly, Aladdin always came and butted into everything and now Stitch brought her Mountain Glacier Water and not the Mineral Spring Water she always had. The whole thing, to put it lightly, was a complete disaster. (E)
Lilo sighed in exasperation. "For the last time. Aladdin! GET OUT of my studio!!"
"What a crab!" Aladdin stomped off with his nose in the air, followed closely by an equally haughty Jasmine.
"Crab?" Sebastian crawled out from under Lilo's director chair. "Som-bod-ee call for eh crab?"
"Aaah!" Lilo screeched and Sebastain skittered off in a panic.
Kida slammed the Shakespeare book down on the stage. "That's it! I can't take it anymore. With all your demands and screaming Lilo… ah! I QUIT! Q – U – IT! QUIT!"
Kida, faced flaming in anger, tore off the stage. Milo James Thatch pelted after her calling, "Kida! Wait! It's no big deal! Don't worry about it! We'll fix it! Waaaiiit!"
Lilo began pulling on her face. One… two… three… four…
"I give up!" Lilo threw the script high into the air, sending papers fluttering everywhere. "I wasn't meant to direct! I GIVE UP!" Silently she thought, 'Until I feel calmer, that is.'
Hercules shook his head. "Sad sight. Sad, to see her just lose it like that."
Meg nodded. "I agree. Though it's not like it's never happened before. She'll be back shortly." (Pd)
Pegasus grunted in agreement as well.
"Hey, we don't all have good days. We dance, we kiss, we schmooze, we carry and go home after, whaddya say?" Hades floated over on his piece of cloud.
"Hey aren't you supposed to be dead?" came a voice from behind them.
"Pochohantas? What on earth are you doing here?" Meg flipped her thick, mousy brown locks over her shoulder.
"Well me and my crew here were supposed to be in the Atlantis remake, but it seems the director's gone. Meeko was so looking forward to this, too. So was Flik."
Percy the bulldog grunted a 'me too' sort of way.
"And don't forget us." John's Smith and Rolfe followed in close behind. "Oh, and don't forget Utahmatamokin. Utamate… Utamo… Uta." (E)
"Atlantis remake? What a load of hooey." Shrek shook his head. "Who would stoop that low to star in it?"
Pochahontas narrowed her eyes to slits. "At least I could GET another job. No one wants to hire an OGRE!"
"OOOOOooooo…" the small crowd gathered on stage said in unison at Pochahontas' insult.
Shrek shrugged. "Who needs another job?" he was obviously unphased by her stab at a career in animation.
Donkey nodded his head vigorously. "Aaaaaannnnd anybody want some WAFFLES!?"
John Rolfe licked his lips as did Meeko and Aladdin – who had once again joined the group, though this time Jasmine-less. "OK!"
The three of them followed Donkey. Stitch and Percy stared unsurely at each other for a moment before heading off to have waffles as well.
Hercules and Pegasus started to follow but Meg grabbed them and held them back.
"I don't think so. We had a DATE tonight, mister!" she poked Hercules in the chest. "And YOU!" she turned sharply to Pegasus. "You're supposed to be the chauffer!"
Meg and Hercules climbed into a grumpy Pegasus' back and flew off to Tony Roma's for ribs.
Hades laughed hard. "'Atta way to show manly control, eh Herc?"
John Smith shook his head. "Idiot, that one." He mumbled. (Pd)
"Well, hate to disappoint the fans and the crowd, but I've got a meeting with the three fates in the Underworld that I would die to miss, so CIAO!" Hades slid through the floor.
"Sad seeing the cast fall apart like that, eh Smith?" Ron Weasley, along with Harry Potter and Hermione Granger stood near John.
"Ok. I don't know how this appears to you, but a real-life person is talking to a cartoon character. Does that strike you as odd?" John Smith flashed ruggedly handsome his 'Do-You-Get-My-Drift-Or-Are-You-Stupid' look.
"Worked for Roger Rabbit." Harry murmured.
As Ron opened his mouth to speak, a voice that could only belong to one of the most disgusting, slimy, despicable, undesirable characters ever to walk the Earth drawled, "So Potter, you've got no better friends than cartoons?" Draco Malfoy slithered – literally – onto the scene, followed by his waddling – literally – cronies Crabbe and Goyle at each side. (E)
John Smith wiped his face with his shirt. "Cartoons are actually better. We don't spit." And although cartoons DO spit, Malfoy was too stupid to know that, and therefore was properly taken aback by this crude statement.
"Sspit! I do not spit!" But despite Malfoy's claims everytime a 'p', 's', or 't' escaped his lips, so did some spitty spray.
Pochahontas took John's hand and he lead her out of the theatre, much to relief of the writer who was very tired of attempting to write "Pochahontas" and knowing she was pselling it wrong. "Stupid kids." John rolled his eyes and shook his head.
Westley from the greatest movie of all time , The Princess Bride, tapped Hermione lightly on the shoulder.
"Excuse me? But have you by chance seen Buttercup anywhere?" he asked, ever so politely, and stood there ever so handsomely, ever so calmly waiting for a reply. "I tend to lose her often."
"I… uh… d-duh… die… um… " Hermione could not believe she was actually meeting the wonderful Westley in person and stammered accordingly.
Crabbe, Goyle, Harry, Ron, Draco and anyone else who was present who the writer felt like not writing the names of, chuckled.
"I think someone has a crush." Ron whispered quiet enough so only he and Harry heard.
Harry quickly stifled a burst of laughter.
Before anything else could be said, Professor McGonagall came briskly up to the small crowd.
"Malfoy! You are supposed to be serving detention! How DARE you leave the school grounds!" she chided loudly.
"B-but Professor!" Malfoy whined. McGonagall wiped her face dry. "Potter is out and off too!" McGonagall wiped her face a second time.
"Malfoy, will you refrain from SPITTING!"
Before Malfoy could argue further, she grabbed him by the ear and hauled him out the theatre. He cried pathetically as Crabbe and Goyle followed dumbly. (Pd)
"And this is for Cameron who thought he didn't see anything good today." Ferris Buehler (Bueller? Bueler?) stepped gallantly off the huge rolling float that was now entering the studio, knocking over cameras, sets, microphones and chairs along the way. "Dunkashien… Alveedisane…"
The crowd marveled at the way Ferris was singing like a girl, and phonetically.
And then, "I'm on the wrong set again, aren't I?"
Everyone nodded.
"Oh dear."
And with that, Ferris Bueler (Buehler? Bueller?) left the building, float and all. (E)
Minutes after Ferris (and no, the author was not going to attempt to spell his last name) had retreated, Westley was getting somewhat frustrated. Being as wonderful and handsome as he was, however, he remained very calm and polite.
"Ahem. Does anyone know where Buttercup is?"
No one answered but that was most likely because none other than Sue Hawk of Survivor Season 1 had entered the building. She marched importantly up to Westley and said, rather icily in fact,
"Westley, if you were lying in a desert dying of dehydration, I would NOT give you a drink of water."
Westley was shocked by her cruelty.
Marilynn "Mad Dog" Hershey of Survivor Season 2: The Austrailian Outback sighed and pushed Sue out of the way. In her characteristic drawl, she said,
"Wes, you know. If you were dying in a desert – " she gestured to the group, not including Sue – "we would ALL give you, a drink of water."
Although still a bit shocked by Sue's ruthless statement, Westley was nonetheless comforted by Mad Dog's follow-up.
"Um, thank you… I think." He said unsurely. (Pd)
"You are Westley, I presume?" prompted a suave, debonair, sexy Spanish voice behind him.
"I am, and if you know where Buttercup is, I'd greatly appreciate it if – " Westley stopped dead. For standing before him was none other the new Zorro, Antonio Banderas. And with him, in an absolutely gorgeous, beautiful Spanish gown, was Buttercup.
"Farmboy, Zorro is my new love now. I'm sorry Westley." She paused and regarded Westley. "Westley. Wes."
"Westley? You ok? Buttercup is right here! She showed up after you said you were looking for her!" John Smith was inexplicably standing over Westley.
"So… it was all a dream?" Westley said blearily. "Even Sue and Mad Dog's comments? Because that did seem rather out of place."
"Unfortunately no." came Buttercup's sweet voice, as she motioned Sue over.
"Oh brother." Westley stood. "But Zorro. In the dream. That WAS the dream, right?"
Antonio Banderas looked at him with his suave, debonair sexy looks.
"Guess not."
"Ya, I don't know what happened. It was weird." John said.
Before Westley's mysterious black-out or John Smith's reappearance or any number of things could be explained or clarified, an annoying voice spoke.
"Well, I hate to break up this little party here, but (guess what?!). DAD! TAUN WE'S HERE!"
Everyone left. Just as they did so, there were only four people left in the scene, and they all happened to be Star Wars characters. That crazy chubby constipated kid from that Disneyland promo at the beginning of one our Disney movies shouted, "I'm too excited to direct!" and ran out of the studio.
"Well," said Obi-Wan. "I guess that's that." And he left.
During this, Padme had hurried forward and now said, "I do not approve of any of this. What if there's more? What if more characters come on the stage and drag this out?"
Anakin, who had slinked in moments before, said darkly, "Yes. That question is in my very soul, tormenting me. I think we must call it a day." He sighed. "I hate doing that scene. It makes no sense. I always screw up the lines."
Then the writer, who really didn't know how to end this, said, "Ok. Ok? That's a wrap. Bye-bye." And a very Shrek-esque manner, "See ya later."
A/n: For the record, in case it wasn't obvious, Evans loves Antonio and I (Padfoot) love Westley. Miraculously, Gollum nor Captain Jack made appearances in this story.