The Big Eva
GLCorps2814
(cm_chiampa@yahoo.com)
(The internet has given many a crappy author like myself the power to make completely ridiculous, nonsensical crossovers. I'm doing this not because it's a good idea, nor does it particularly make much in the way of sense...I'm just doing it because I can and because the idea seemed clever at 2 AM after curling into a fetal position caused by watching 4 straight hours of EVA that were all near the end when everything in the show got deep and dark and just plain hellish. Anyway, as usual, none of the series mentioned within are mine. Please read and review. And don't watch 4 straight hours of EVA.)
Roger Smith took great pleasure in waking up peacefully, at whatever time he chose, and in a leisurely state of mind. Often, though, his plans were interrupted by the sadistic machinations of Dorothy and her piano-playing (well, that's what HE called her little concerts). But this morning he found himself awaking to blissful silence. With a smile on his face, he slowly opened his eyes...
And found himself staring directly into those of a Penguin.
"Waaak!" The penguin "said".
"Gonna be one of those days." He said, turning over.
There he found a purple-haired woman in skimpy pajamas, snoring heavily and directly into his face. On her breath he smelled beer...a WHOLE LOTTA beer.
"Oh...oh shit." He blurted, his eyes going wide. "Not again..."
**********************************************************
"Norman, quick!" Roger called, his usual, calm demeanor lost as he hurried into his living room while hastily wrapping his robe around himself. "Get the checkbook, then call Doctor Riviera and tell him to be ready just in case I knocked...uh..."
He paused and blinked, not sure that his senses were working properly. At his table was a boy with brown hair, his ears plugged with mini-headphones attached to a DAT recorder. A girl with fiery-red hair was poking experimentally at the piano keys, managing a simple tune. Standing by a window with its curtains drawn and just...staring was a blue-haired girl that frightened Roger more than his trip to the deepest depths of the city. He wasn't sure why he had such a random reaction, all he knew was that he wanted to ram a spork into her eye or something else that would provide a similarly-pointy death.
"Running a daycare center now, are we, Norman?" He asked.
"Don't ask me, sir." Norman replied. "They were here when I awoke."
"Okay." He grabbed the boy's earphones and pulled them out.
"You ARE special." The tape blared. "You ARE special. Everyone loves you. You ARE special. Your father ISN'T a total weirdo bent on fusing the souls of every human on Earth into one just so he can be with his dead wife again. You ARE special."
"WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?!" Roger hollered.
"I don't know." The boy whimpered, not looking up from his DAT recorder. "I... I went to bed in my bedroom last night, and woke up on your piano."
"I woke up staring at...at THAT." The redhead said, pointing at Dorothy. "God, I thought the Doll had finally come to kill me..."
"WHAT?!" Roger snapped, confused as all get-out.
"Nevermind." She whimpered.
"I awoke to find myself IN the piano." The blue-haired girl deadpanned, nearly whispering. "It was...not nice."
"Riiiiiight." Roger NOW wanted a large fork to jab into her eye.
"YEAAAHHHHH! WHERE AM I?!"
"Misato?!" Shinji screamed at the disembodied voice, leaping to his feet.
"Is that her name?" Roger asked calmly, walking towards his room. He went for the doorknob, but the door was torn open from the other side before he could get a grip. "Ah. Hello, miss, I'm Ro..."
"Who are you?!" She demanded, grabbing him by his robe. "Are you with SEELE? Have you abducted me for some reason?! Were you the one that killed Kaji?! YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU KILLED KAJI, DIDN'T YOU?!"
"...ger Smith?" He finished, grinning awkwardly.
"Misato, calm down!" The boy said, running up to her and gently grabbing one of her arms. "He's as confused as we are."
"Shinji?" She looked around. "Asuka. Rei."
"Waak."
"Even Pen-Pen. Anyone else?"
"Not that we know of." Shinji replied.
"But this is a rather large place." Norman added. "We cannot be sure people have not appeared in other locations."
"Big O!" Roger said, his eyes going wide. "Good God, if someone woke up in there and started fiddling...!"
He ran for the elevator, and everyone but Norman and Pen-Pen followed. With all of them crammed in, it began its descent. The doors opened, and Roger ran out into the large room where Big O was kept.
"What the...an EVA unit?" Shinji asked.
"A what now?" Roger inquired, turning to face him.
"Nah, the face isn't monstrous and terrifying enough." Asuka said.
"The torso is vaguely similar, that is all." Rei said. Every time she spoke, Roger imaged a slightly larger, pointier instrument to jab into her head than the last time.
"It's the Big O." He finally said. "It's a megadeus large-scale attack robot. And I think someone might be inside..."
Indeed, someone was hollering from within. The group ran over, and Roger hit the control panel that caused it to slide open. A gray-haired man was sitting there, looking very confused.
"Sub-Commander Fuyutski!" Misato said.
"Ah, friendly faces." He said, walking out. "I was worried that SEELE might have..."
"I did, too."
"Who're you?"
"Roger Smith, Paradigm City negotiator. This is my home, and my robot."
"What city?" Shinji asked.
"Paradigm."
"What are you talking about?" Fuyutski said. "This is Tokyo-3."
"I believe I know what is going on." Dorothy suddenly said.
"You've GOT to be joking." Roger said. "Wait, I forgot who I'm talking to, here."
*****************************************
"I believe two universes have come into contact." Dorothy said a short time later, standing at the head of Roger's long table. He was also cleaned up, and in his usual suit. Everyone else was still mussed and wearing whatever they had fallen asleep in.
"What?" Roger demanded.
"I believe two separate dimensions have come into contact, and partially merged."
"What makes you think that?" Fuyutski asked.
"First off, look at yourselves, then look at us."
Everyone did as commanded. It was only then that Roger noticed the eyes of the others, and the utterly huge freakishness of said organs. Their fingertips were carefully rounded, with nails on the end. Roger looked at his own, pointed stumps.
"We are similar, yes...but very different in the end." Dorothy said.
"GAH! THEY'RE ANGELS!" Shinji suddenly took a swing at Roger, who easily ducked from it.
"I do not believe that is it, Ikari." Rei said, and Roger suppressed a shudder. "They are human, but their separate universe has caused them to evolve slightly differently from ourselves."
"Yes." Dorothy said.
"In other words, they're perfectly human?" Asuka asked.
"Yes." Dorothy and Rei said as one, and everyone in the room let out a little gasp of shock.
"Now what caused that?" Shinji asked.
"D-dunno." Asuka said.
"Secondly, I believe I must be the only one who has looked out the window thus far." Dorothy added.
"Huh?" Roger went to a window and tossed the curtains open. "What the...?!"
He recognized parts of Paradigm, but only about half of the skyline was actually familiar. In random spots there were massive buildings of steel and glass of a totally different style than anything he was accustomed to.
"Tokyo-3..." Fuyutski said.
"Paradigm..." Roger said.
"Pieces from one..." Rei said.
"...and the other." Dorothy finished.
"Combined into one." They said together, and everyone jumped again.
"You two HAVE to stop doing that!" Roger said.
"What?" They said as one.
"That, talking in tandem!"
"Why?"
"I swear to God...!" He stopped himself. He was normally cold and unflappable. He had to stay that way. It made people confident in him. And he needed people to be confident in him at a time like this. "Alright. Here's what we do..."
"Who put you in charge?" Misato demanded.
"Me. It's my house."
"Why you..." He grabbed her fist with a cocky grin, which faded once her foot made contact with his groin. "There. Now, here's what we'll do: we go outside. We'll stick together, and try to find people we recognize from our respective universes."
"Ow." Was all Roger could muster.
***************************************
A few minutes later, everyone was riding the elevator to the ground floor. Roger rarely used the building's main entrance, typically exiting and entering via his car or Big O. Therefore, he honestly sometimes forgot what the lobby looked like.
Still, when the doors opened he knew what he was looking at wasn't a normal part of his home. It was a massive control room of some kind, filled with technology Roger couldn't even begin to comprehend.
"Ah, good, Fuyutski." A bearded man with glasses said, having turned to face the group when they walked in. "Rei. And the other pond scum. We've been scrambling to find whatever staff we can. Who're the other two, and why in the name of God did you let them in?"
"My name's Roger Smith, sir." He stepped forward. "And I was trying to leave my house, but it would seem my front door now leads here."
"I see. I take it you're from the same place as this woman?"
"Huh?" From the darkness emerged a man in a black suit, as well as someone obviously from Roger's universe. "Angel!"
"An angel?!" A long-haired tech shouted. "God, no!"
"Red alert!" A woman yelled.
"Scanning!" A man in glasses said.
"Oh God, an angel?!" Shinji screamed. "NO! They're all dead! THEY'RE ALL SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD! GAAAAAAAGH!"
Shinji began running around in a circle and screaming while he clutched at his head, as techs screamed things their screens flashed at them. The fellow with the beard merely removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes in exasperation, while Fuyutski let out a long groan. Asuka grabbed Shinji and smacked him as hard as she could, while Rei and Dorothy merely looked mildly surprised at the goings-on.
"CANCEL RED ALERT!" The bearded man screamed. Then he looked at Roger. "See what I have to deal with?"
"I just have a butler to handle these things." Roger replied.
"A butler...yes...one super-efficient staff member to replace the countless fools I'm forever surrounded by..." He stroked his beard, then glanced at Roger. "I'm Gendo Ikari, King of the Earth."
"Excuse me?" Roger cocked an eyebrow.
"Commander, WHAT are you talking about?" Fuyutski asked.
"What? He's obviously from a different universe!" He winked. "He wouldn't know the King of the Earth by sight alone, like all my loyal residents."
"Don't mind him, he's a power-hungry lunatic." Fuyutski replied. "He's CO of NERV, a special organization brought about to combat angels."
"An Angel?!" Twenty people screamed at once. "RED ALERT!"
"Oh, son of a..." Ikari put his face in his hands.
*****************************************
Some time later, Roger was back in his own home's sitting-room, looking out a window. Miasto, Gendo, and Fuyutski were on the sofa, drinking coffee. Asuka was grumbling in a corner, while Shinji rocked back and forth in another. Sitting at the table and chatting away were Rei and Dorothy.
"Alright." Roger said. "We know two universes have merged. The main question is...how? And how do we restore them to their normal form?"
"My best people are already on it." Gendo replied. "Aoba suggested..."
"You must fight." A new voice suddenly said.
"A battle to prove who is mightier." Another new voice piped in.
Everyone stopped and looked towards their source, the center of the room. From the nothing there emerged the two strangest beings yet. One was a ridiculously overweight fellow in a small t-shirt that said NERV, while the other was a gangling chap with thick eyeglasses clad in a lame version of Roger's suit. They looked entirely different from both Roger and Gendo's people.
"Who are you?" Roger demanded.
"We're..."
Misato moved quickly. She beat the piss out of the thin fellow, then jammed her pistol against the temple of the fat one. But with a seemingly simple motion, he avoided her and lifted up his friend.
"Ah, the power of Three Dimensions." The fat man said.
"Oy..." The thin one added.
"Who ARE you?!" Fuyutski hollered.
"We...are nerds." The fat one said.
"Anime nerds." The thin one said.
"And we seek the answer...which giant robot series is better, Big O or Neon Genesis Evangelion?"
"What the HELL are they going on about?" Asuka snapped.
"My mind, my mind, my fragile mind..." Shinji whimpered.
"OH SHUT UP!" Everyone but Dorothy and Rei yelled.
"We are talking about which is the superior program!" The thin nerd said.
"In our universe..." The fat nerd walked around casually, or at least seemed to. It was obvious that he was edging towards Misato. "...your universes are merely television shows. We have watched your lives; or parts thereof."
"Get any closer and I rip off your testicles." Misato interrupted just as the fat nerd got close to touching her hindquarters.
"Uh...right." He quickly scurried away.
"My friend and I have watched both your programs." The thin one said. "And we began to argue over which was the superior one."
"I claim it is Neon Genesis Evangelion." The fat one said.
"Whereas I back Big O." The thin one adjusted his necktie.
[Author's note: yes, EVA is clearly the superior program, but there'd be no story without this imaginary debate]
"We could not come to an agreement." The fat one said. "It was torturing us. But, then, we discovered how to breach the universal barriers."
"So now we can find out, once and for all." The thin one said. "Now the EVA brats can battle the clearly-superior Roger Smith."
"You learned how to move between dimensions...and you use it to decide if one TV show is better than another?" Roger asked.
"My God." Fuyutski said. "You are quite possibly THE saddest people on the face of the Earth."
"What about Shinji?" Asuka demanded.
"He has an excuse. His father's a megalomaniac and he's been forced into the weirdest Oedipus complex since...well, since Oedipus." He looked at the nerds. "These two...hell, I can FEEL the virginity radiating off them, and they've got to be twice Shinji's age!"
"Oh yeah?" The fat nerd said. "Oh yeah, well...yeah?! Shut up!"
"Wow, how can we stand up to such clever people?" Roger said, laying the sarcasm on thick.
"I shall deal with you both!" The skinny nerd said, aiming a remote control at the pair. He hit a button, and they vanished.
"Bring them back." Gendo said, his voice cold.
"I'll bring them back when I'm ready!" The skinny nerd replied.
"Bring them back this very moment or I swear to make the rest of your life a living, insufferable hell. If you can discover how to traipse between dimensions, then it should be no problem for me."
"You don't scare..."
"NO!" The fat nerd grabbed the remote. "Dude, you do NOT screw with this guy! He's batshit fucking crazy!"
Roger and Fuyutski were quickly returned, both looking visibly shaken.
"What was it?" Asuka asked.
"There were these...small beings. Everywhere." Fuyutski replied. "Enslaved by a bunch of stupid children."
"A kid in a hat, with an annoying voice." Roger said. "He tried to get some little yellow rat thing to electrocute us."
"So I shot it fifteen times in the face." Fuyutski replied, he and Roger dropping their frightened act, as he pulled his still-smoking gun out from behind his back. "I'm not sure if it died, though, since we were brought back here."
"Your courage in the face of the Poke-losers is impressive." Fat said. "But this changes nothing. Roger Smith will fight the EVAs."
"Which one?" Gendo asked.
"All three!" Skinny said.
"Isn't that a little, oh I don't know, unfair?" Roger asked.
"Roger man, you're SO good that taking on one at a time would be unfair to THEM!"
"Tomorrow you shall battle." Fat said. "A stadium will be prepared."
With that, the two faded away, leaving a very confused group behind.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Shinji screamed, collapsing onto the ground and sucking his thumb. "DON'T MAKE ME GET BACK IN THAT THING! I DON'T WANNA, YOU CAN'T MAKE ME OH GOD IT SMELLS LIKE BLOOD!"
"He is a strange individual." Dorothy said.
"You think that's bad? He has a thing for me."
"How disturbing."
"Okay, neither of you have the right to call ANYTHING disturbing." Fuyutski said.
"Why?" The two said as one, and everyone screamed. Shinji the loudest.
*****************************************
The next morning, Roger was awoken by a hideous noise. He had no idea what it was, only that it caused a strange pain inside of him. It was not physical, but it was something that touched him to his very core. He had to stop it. He threw himself out of bed, tore on his robe, and burst out of his bedroom.
He ran into the living room the same time as Shinji, who ran in from another direction entirely.
"What is that?!" Shinji demanded, terror in his eyes.
"I don't know!" Roger replied.
"Oh, God, it hurts!" Shinji doubled over. "It hurts my SOUL!"
"What's going on?!" Asuka demanded, running into the room. "Oh, it's horrible!"
"I...don't...KNOW!" Shinji screamed. "YEAAAAAAGH!"
Roger hauled off and backhanded Shinji.
"Thanks, I needed that."
"Look, whatever it is, it's coming from the kitchen!" He ran over to a closet and tore out a massive machine gun.
"I thought you didn't like guns!" Shinji snapped.
"It's Norman's." Roger pumped the weapon. "And anything that can create such evil does not deserve to live. I'm setting my ethics aside this one time."
The trio made their way for the door to the kitchen. Roger took the lead, his face impassive but his left eyelid twitching ever so slightly. Asuka tried to look brave as she marched next to him, while Shinji hid behind Roger, his eyes squeezed shut.
"Hiyaaaa!" Roger screamed, kicking open the door and bursting into the room. He took aim...
And then stopped when all he saw were Dorothy and Rei, giggling over tea.
"OH, GOD, HERE IT IS! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT!!!!!!!!!"
"Shinji, look." Roger said.
"Huh?" He opened his eyes and saw the girls sitting there. "Oh."
He paused as they continued to giggle.
"KILL THEM!"
*****************************************
The Nerds were as good as their word, as the next day a massive, circular stadium was sitting just outside the city limits. The Big O stood opposite the trio of batteries that the Nerds'd had enough sense to set up for the Evangelions. There were countless eats, but all were empty save the two the Nerds sat in.
"Roger, be careful today." Dorothy said as Roger did some last checks on the Big O's systems.
"Dorothy...I don't think you've ever worried about me before. Thank..."
"It is not for you, Roger. I merely do not want you to hurt Rei. Be careful when you throw your punches."
"Don't worry, like I said during the planning meeting this morning, no one is killing anyone. The Nerds didn't say anything about killing. I just have to wreck their little toys."
"I know. But do not slip. If you do, I will be forced to stab you multiple times while you sleep."
"I...er...okay..."
With that, Dorothy left, leaving a concerned Roger staring after her. Finally, he switched on his comm.
"Norman?"
"Yes, Master Roger?"
"Remind me to scatter magnets around my bed."
"Very good, sir."
*****************************************
"Is everyone prepared?" Fat called over an intercom.
Roger gave a thumbs-up with the Big O, while Ritsuko gave the go-ahead from a megaphone.
"Alright!" Skinny said. "Big O, it's SHOWTIME!"
"EVAs LAUNCH!" Fat added.
"Morons." Roger grumbled, sending the Big O forward.
He charged, raising a fist, but before long realized none of the EVA units were moving. He skittered to a halt, fearing some kind of trick or strategy. But, rather unexpectedly, the hatches to Units 00 and 02 popped open, and their pilots clambered out of the entry plugs. Roger was tempted to open Big O's hatch to see what was up, but realized One could still hit him at that point.
"What's going on?" He said over the Big O's rarely-used external speakers.
"I...I cannot fight." Rei said over Ritsuko's megaphone. "These robots are...unpredictable at times. I cannot risk it. A malfunction could occur and result in your death. I cannot kill the friend of my best friend."
"Rei...thank you." Dorothy said.
"You know, if these two weren't so terrifying together this would almost be sweet." Roger mumbled. Then he switched the speakers back on: "And what's your story, Asuka?"
"I...I just can't."
"Why not?!"
"Y...well...uh..." She blushed a red almost as bright as her suit. "You're just too damn cute!"
"What?!"
"I can't fight someone so handsome! I can't!"
"Jesus, a toddler's got the hots for me...that is so wrong..."
"I'm not a toddler!"
"Whoops..." Roger looked at the speaker switch, still in the on position. "So what about Shinji? You still ready to go?!"
His robot gave the thumbs up.
"Alright. SHOWTIME!"
Again he charged, and EVA 01 began to move forward...then collapsed to the ground and curled into a fetal position.
"Oh, for God's sake..." Gendo said, rubbing the bridge of his nose.
EVA 01 began to twitch, and then ran in circles on the ground.
"What the HELL is he doing?!" Gendo snapped.
"Looks like the Curly Shuffle." Fuyutski replied, and Gendo smacked him.
Roger had the Big O put him on the ground at this point, and he stood next to Gendo.
"Doctor, increase LCL pressure and knock out that little jackass." He sighed.
"I hate to say this, but your son's a pussy." Roger said.
"I know, I know. I should've adopted the Kraut. She may be a nympho, but at least she's got balls. Hmm...I wonder if she's always been a she...?"
"Hey!" Asuka snapped. "I'm RIGHT HERE!"
"I know."
"What is going on?" Fat demanded, the Nerds suddenly next to the group.
"Shinji's freaking out again." Skinny said. "Hmm. Looks like Roger wins by default, eh?"
"NO!" Fat screamed. "NO, there's got to..."
"Hell, I'LL fight him!" Gendo said.
"Wh-what?" Everyone said.
"I thought the pilots had to be fourteen!" Misato said.
"Oh, that was a lie so I wouldn't have to fly one of the damn things. Now, open the hatch so I can get in there."
"Won't you need a plug suit?" Ritsuko asked.
"Oh, no, I made that part up, too, so I could see teenage girls running around in skintight rubber."
"Sicko." Fuyutski mumbled.
"What was that?"
"Nothing, boss."
"Well won't you at least need those little hair clip psycho-uplink thingies?" Aoba asked.
"Nah, that was a lie, too. That one was to embarrass Shinji, since he looks even MORE effeminate with little hair clips on."
"You have problems." Roger said.
"I know." He walked over to the now-still EVA 01, where an unconscious Shinji was being dragged out. "Hold it."
He knelt next to Shinji, and shook him lightly until he came to.
"F-father?"
"Yes, son." And then he kicked Shinji in the side of the head. "Just wanted you to be awake for that! You're a FAILURE! I HATE YOU!"
"Father! Father, please..." And then Roger kicked him in the head.
"God, SHUT UP! Why do you WANT this sick psycho motherfucker to love you?! To me that means you've got more problems than HIM!"
"He's got a point." Fuyutski said.
"Drag it away so I can get going." Gendo said, clambering into EVA 01's entry plug. "Roger?"
"Right."
*****************************************
Moments later, the two Robots were facing one another. Roger now understood he was in real trouble; Gendo Ikari was a sick bastard. The gloves were off. He was ready for the fight of his life, and he would be damned if he was going...
Suddenly, EVA 01 spun and punched the stands. Concrete flew everywhere as sections of the stadium caved in on itself. Roger watched in amazement as Unit 01 grabbed the two nerds before they could collapse in the rubble. Fat was holding the remote, and watched in horror as Gendo used 01 to squeeze Skinny's head like a grape. Then Unit 01 pointed to the techs on the ground. Nodding, sweating, and covered in his companion's blood, Fat tossed them the remote. He then got on his knees in Unit 01's hand and cried.
"I've got to know what's going on..." Roger said, tapping into Unit 01's comm frequency.
"That's it, beg for Gendo...BEG! BEG FOR YOUR LIFE!"
He began to lower the arm, slowly and gently.
"That's right. Cry, bow to me...everything's going to be okay, isn't it? Isn't it? Oh...wait...it isn't!"
With that, he turned the hand over and smashed Fat into the ground.
"Yeah, yeah, that's right..." Gendo said, probably thinking no-one was listening in. "Die for your God!"
Shuddering and fearing for his life, Roger switched the comm link off.
*****************************************
"Well, my people have the remote all figured out." Gendo said to Roger, as the two men stood on Roger's balcony the next night. "We can split whenever you're ready."
"Good." He nodded, watching the sunset. "We'll go in the morning then. Let the girls say their goodbyes."
"Yes. A fine plan." Gendo smiled.
"What?"
"Nothing. I'll just have time for...something I've been wanting to handle."
*****************************************
"Where the devil is the Commander?!" Fuyutski demanded of the NERV staff the next morning. "And Misato?! And Ayanami?! AND Shinji?!"
"Here I am, sir." Misato said, looking rumpled.
"Where were you?"
"Misato?" Roger said, walking into the room behind her and holding her cross. "You left this in...uh..."
"Oh." Fuyutski sighed. "You know, you don't see Commander Ikari dealing in..."
"Oh, Gendo." A new voice said. "That was positively AMAZING."
"I know." Gendo said, as he entered the room with Angel hanging off his arm. "You were okay."
"Okay?!"
"You were saying, Sub-Commander?" Misato said, putting on her cross.
"Shut up. Just...shut up. Everyone gets some but me."
"And me." Aoba said.
"You don't count, hippie."
"Who're you calling hippie, you old bastard?!"
"The long hair and lack of showering were my FIRST clue."
"Who says I don't shower, you geriatric...?!"
"Oh, that is IT!" Fuyutski threw a right hook that caught Aoba in the side of the head. The hippie quickly recovered and stood, and tackled the old man. No-one took notice of the battle, especially the beer companies, since they were largely unimportant male characters.
"Well, once we have Rei and Shinji we can be on our way." Misato said. "Roger, have you seen Dorothy?"
"No. I assumed she and Rei were here."
"We thought they were with you."
Suddenly, a chill went up everyone's spine as a pair of laughs filled the air.. Even Fuyutski and Aoba stopped their battle a moment to shudder and feel another small piece of their souls die.
"WILL YOU TWO PLEASE STOP THAT?!" Roger hollered, a few bits of his hair actually slipping out of place.
"Stop what?" They asked in tandem.
"Ok, Gendo, split." Roger grabbed the remote and began looking at the buttons. "How do I do it?! We have to go Now! Nownownownow!"
"We can't, Shinji's not back." Misato said.
"Here I am."
"About time." Fuyutski grumbled. "We have to get back, my apartment's back in a piece of our universe that isn't here, and I need it to shoot the hippie."
"Not if I get mine first, Geezer." Aoba grumbled.
"I'm not going."
"What?!" A few people hollered at once.
"Good." Rei said.
"I'm staying here. I like it here. There's no Angels, no Evangelions, and no Father. Roger was right. I'm done looking for the acceptance of a total lunatic who gets beard grooming tips from the Amish. I'm staying right here! I'm going to become a negotiator, I'm going to learn from the best there is!"
"Shinji!" Roger said, kneeling next to him and grabbing him by the shoulders. "Shinji, you have to go back."
"B-but why, Roger?"
"The rightful order of the universe has to be restored. If things don't get back to normal, no one could say what might happen to reality! Armageddon could come..."
"Well, that might not be so bad." Gendo said.
"Or something even worse. We could all wind up in the same universe those nerds are from. No-one wants that. Things HAVE to go back to normal. Reality must be restored. Families need to be reunited, histories have to be repaired. It has to be restored for many reasons, but mainly because I hate you and never want to see you again."
"I...uh...oh." Shinji just hung his head. "I see."
"Yeah. I mean, I'm not sure who hates you more, me or Gendo."
"Oh, there is no contest there, my friend." Gendo said. "I've been hating his sorry ass for fourteen years, you've only been hating him for a few days."
"Right. So you have to go. Go to where people REALLY hate you. They hate you in a way that they almost love you. I just hate you in the way that I want to step on you with Big O, and WILL if you stay here."
"Uh...I...hm..." Shinji just ran off into a corner to cry.
"Good, that's done." Roger said. "Now can we please restore everything to what passes for normal in our respective, post-apocalyptic worlds?"
"Must you?" Rei and Dorothy said as one.
"Yes." Gendo said. "Your friendship with Dorothy is a threat, Rei. Only I may possess your affection."
"Ok, this is getting REALLY weird." Roger said, grabbing Dorothy's arm. She ran with him to the stairwell that would lead back to his apartment. "Just hit the goddamned button before I have an aneurysm."
Roger shut the door, but did not head up the stairs.
"I shall miss Rei." Dorothy said. "She taught me so much about life and love."
"That is WAY more than I needed to know." He flung the door open, revealing his little-used lobby. "Oh, thank goodness."
*****************************************
The next morning found Roger waking leisurely; he figured Dorothy was still too upset about Rei's departure to play the piano. With a grin, he turned over onto his side...
...and came face to face with a young man.
"Hi, I'm Akito Tenkawa." He said, his voice somehow familiar. "Who're you?"
"Roger?" He looked up to see Dorothy entering the room, a very young girl with a ton of silver hair in pigtails behind her. "I have met the most wonderful young lady."
"Idiots." The girl said.
"Who are you?!" A girl with blue hair screamed, running into Roger's room. "Are you after my Akito, too?!"
Roger just sighed.
THE END...? Yeah, actually.
GLCorps2814
(cm_chiampa@yahoo.com)
(The internet has given many a crappy author like myself the power to make completely ridiculous, nonsensical crossovers. I'm doing this not because it's a good idea, nor does it particularly make much in the way of sense...I'm just doing it because I can and because the idea seemed clever at 2 AM after curling into a fetal position caused by watching 4 straight hours of EVA that were all near the end when everything in the show got deep and dark and just plain hellish. Anyway, as usual, none of the series mentioned within are mine. Please read and review. And don't watch 4 straight hours of EVA.)
Roger Smith took great pleasure in waking up peacefully, at whatever time he chose, and in a leisurely state of mind. Often, though, his plans were interrupted by the sadistic machinations of Dorothy and her piano-playing (well, that's what HE called her little concerts). But this morning he found himself awaking to blissful silence. With a smile on his face, he slowly opened his eyes...
And found himself staring directly into those of a Penguin.
"Waaak!" The penguin "said".
"Gonna be one of those days." He said, turning over.
There he found a purple-haired woman in skimpy pajamas, snoring heavily and directly into his face. On her breath he smelled beer...a WHOLE LOTTA beer.
"Oh...oh shit." He blurted, his eyes going wide. "Not again..."
**********************************************************
"Norman, quick!" Roger called, his usual, calm demeanor lost as he hurried into his living room while hastily wrapping his robe around himself. "Get the checkbook, then call Doctor Riviera and tell him to be ready just in case I knocked...uh..."
He paused and blinked, not sure that his senses were working properly. At his table was a boy with brown hair, his ears plugged with mini-headphones attached to a DAT recorder. A girl with fiery-red hair was poking experimentally at the piano keys, managing a simple tune. Standing by a window with its curtains drawn and just...staring was a blue-haired girl that frightened Roger more than his trip to the deepest depths of the city. He wasn't sure why he had such a random reaction, all he knew was that he wanted to ram a spork into her eye or something else that would provide a similarly-pointy death.
"Running a daycare center now, are we, Norman?" He asked.
"Don't ask me, sir." Norman replied. "They were here when I awoke."
"Okay." He grabbed the boy's earphones and pulled them out.
"You ARE special." The tape blared. "You ARE special. Everyone loves you. You ARE special. Your father ISN'T a total weirdo bent on fusing the souls of every human on Earth into one just so he can be with his dead wife again. You ARE special."
"WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?!" Roger hollered.
"I don't know." The boy whimpered, not looking up from his DAT recorder. "I... I went to bed in my bedroom last night, and woke up on your piano."
"I woke up staring at...at THAT." The redhead said, pointing at Dorothy. "God, I thought the Doll had finally come to kill me..."
"WHAT?!" Roger snapped, confused as all get-out.
"Nevermind." She whimpered.
"I awoke to find myself IN the piano." The blue-haired girl deadpanned, nearly whispering. "It was...not nice."
"Riiiiiight." Roger NOW wanted a large fork to jab into her eye.
"YEAAAHHHHH! WHERE AM I?!"
"Misato?!" Shinji screamed at the disembodied voice, leaping to his feet.
"Is that her name?" Roger asked calmly, walking towards his room. He went for the doorknob, but the door was torn open from the other side before he could get a grip. "Ah. Hello, miss, I'm Ro..."
"Who are you?!" She demanded, grabbing him by his robe. "Are you with SEELE? Have you abducted me for some reason?! Were you the one that killed Kaji?! YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU KILLED KAJI, DIDN'T YOU?!"
"...ger Smith?" He finished, grinning awkwardly.
"Misato, calm down!" The boy said, running up to her and gently grabbing one of her arms. "He's as confused as we are."
"Shinji?" She looked around. "Asuka. Rei."
"Waak."
"Even Pen-Pen. Anyone else?"
"Not that we know of." Shinji replied.
"But this is a rather large place." Norman added. "We cannot be sure people have not appeared in other locations."
"Big O!" Roger said, his eyes going wide. "Good God, if someone woke up in there and started fiddling...!"
He ran for the elevator, and everyone but Norman and Pen-Pen followed. With all of them crammed in, it began its descent. The doors opened, and Roger ran out into the large room where Big O was kept.
"What the...an EVA unit?" Shinji asked.
"A what now?" Roger inquired, turning to face him.
"Nah, the face isn't monstrous and terrifying enough." Asuka said.
"The torso is vaguely similar, that is all." Rei said. Every time she spoke, Roger imaged a slightly larger, pointier instrument to jab into her head than the last time.
"It's the Big O." He finally said. "It's a megadeus large-scale attack robot. And I think someone might be inside..."
Indeed, someone was hollering from within. The group ran over, and Roger hit the control panel that caused it to slide open. A gray-haired man was sitting there, looking very confused.
"Sub-Commander Fuyutski!" Misato said.
"Ah, friendly faces." He said, walking out. "I was worried that SEELE might have..."
"I did, too."
"Who're you?"
"Roger Smith, Paradigm City negotiator. This is my home, and my robot."
"What city?" Shinji asked.
"Paradigm."
"What are you talking about?" Fuyutski said. "This is Tokyo-3."
"I believe I know what is going on." Dorothy suddenly said.
"You've GOT to be joking." Roger said. "Wait, I forgot who I'm talking to, here."
*****************************************
"I believe two universes have come into contact." Dorothy said a short time later, standing at the head of Roger's long table. He was also cleaned up, and in his usual suit. Everyone else was still mussed and wearing whatever they had fallen asleep in.
"What?" Roger demanded.
"I believe two separate dimensions have come into contact, and partially merged."
"What makes you think that?" Fuyutski asked.
"First off, look at yourselves, then look at us."
Everyone did as commanded. It was only then that Roger noticed the eyes of the others, and the utterly huge freakishness of said organs. Their fingertips were carefully rounded, with nails on the end. Roger looked at his own, pointed stumps.
"We are similar, yes...but very different in the end." Dorothy said.
"GAH! THEY'RE ANGELS!" Shinji suddenly took a swing at Roger, who easily ducked from it.
"I do not believe that is it, Ikari." Rei said, and Roger suppressed a shudder. "They are human, but their separate universe has caused them to evolve slightly differently from ourselves."
"Yes." Dorothy said.
"In other words, they're perfectly human?" Asuka asked.
"Yes." Dorothy and Rei said as one, and everyone in the room let out a little gasp of shock.
"Now what caused that?" Shinji asked.
"D-dunno." Asuka said.
"Secondly, I believe I must be the only one who has looked out the window thus far." Dorothy added.
"Huh?" Roger went to a window and tossed the curtains open. "What the...?!"
He recognized parts of Paradigm, but only about half of the skyline was actually familiar. In random spots there were massive buildings of steel and glass of a totally different style than anything he was accustomed to.
"Tokyo-3..." Fuyutski said.
"Paradigm..." Roger said.
"Pieces from one..." Rei said.
"...and the other." Dorothy finished.
"Combined into one." They said together, and everyone jumped again.
"You two HAVE to stop doing that!" Roger said.
"What?" They said as one.
"That, talking in tandem!"
"Why?"
"I swear to God...!" He stopped himself. He was normally cold and unflappable. He had to stay that way. It made people confident in him. And he needed people to be confident in him at a time like this. "Alright. Here's what we do..."
"Who put you in charge?" Misato demanded.
"Me. It's my house."
"Why you..." He grabbed her fist with a cocky grin, which faded once her foot made contact with his groin. "There. Now, here's what we'll do: we go outside. We'll stick together, and try to find people we recognize from our respective universes."
"Ow." Was all Roger could muster.
***************************************
A few minutes later, everyone was riding the elevator to the ground floor. Roger rarely used the building's main entrance, typically exiting and entering via his car or Big O. Therefore, he honestly sometimes forgot what the lobby looked like.
Still, when the doors opened he knew what he was looking at wasn't a normal part of his home. It was a massive control room of some kind, filled with technology Roger couldn't even begin to comprehend.
"Ah, good, Fuyutski." A bearded man with glasses said, having turned to face the group when they walked in. "Rei. And the other pond scum. We've been scrambling to find whatever staff we can. Who're the other two, and why in the name of God did you let them in?"
"My name's Roger Smith, sir." He stepped forward. "And I was trying to leave my house, but it would seem my front door now leads here."
"I see. I take it you're from the same place as this woman?"
"Huh?" From the darkness emerged a man in a black suit, as well as someone obviously from Roger's universe. "Angel!"
"An angel?!" A long-haired tech shouted. "God, no!"
"Red alert!" A woman yelled.
"Scanning!" A man in glasses said.
"Oh God, an angel?!" Shinji screamed. "NO! They're all dead! THEY'RE ALL SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD! GAAAAAAAGH!"
Shinji began running around in a circle and screaming while he clutched at his head, as techs screamed things their screens flashed at them. The fellow with the beard merely removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes in exasperation, while Fuyutski let out a long groan. Asuka grabbed Shinji and smacked him as hard as she could, while Rei and Dorothy merely looked mildly surprised at the goings-on.
"CANCEL RED ALERT!" The bearded man screamed. Then he looked at Roger. "See what I have to deal with?"
"I just have a butler to handle these things." Roger replied.
"A butler...yes...one super-efficient staff member to replace the countless fools I'm forever surrounded by..." He stroked his beard, then glanced at Roger. "I'm Gendo Ikari, King of the Earth."
"Excuse me?" Roger cocked an eyebrow.
"Commander, WHAT are you talking about?" Fuyutski asked.
"What? He's obviously from a different universe!" He winked. "He wouldn't know the King of the Earth by sight alone, like all my loyal residents."
"Don't mind him, he's a power-hungry lunatic." Fuyutski replied. "He's CO of NERV, a special organization brought about to combat angels."
"An Angel?!" Twenty people screamed at once. "RED ALERT!"
"Oh, son of a..." Ikari put his face in his hands.
*****************************************
Some time later, Roger was back in his own home's sitting-room, looking out a window. Miasto, Gendo, and Fuyutski were on the sofa, drinking coffee. Asuka was grumbling in a corner, while Shinji rocked back and forth in another. Sitting at the table and chatting away were Rei and Dorothy.
"Alright." Roger said. "We know two universes have merged. The main question is...how? And how do we restore them to their normal form?"
"My best people are already on it." Gendo replied. "Aoba suggested..."
"You must fight." A new voice suddenly said.
"A battle to prove who is mightier." Another new voice piped in.
Everyone stopped and looked towards their source, the center of the room. From the nothing there emerged the two strangest beings yet. One was a ridiculously overweight fellow in a small t-shirt that said NERV, while the other was a gangling chap with thick eyeglasses clad in a lame version of Roger's suit. They looked entirely different from both Roger and Gendo's people.
"Who are you?" Roger demanded.
"We're..."
Misato moved quickly. She beat the piss out of the thin fellow, then jammed her pistol against the temple of the fat one. But with a seemingly simple motion, he avoided her and lifted up his friend.
"Ah, the power of Three Dimensions." The fat man said.
"Oy..." The thin one added.
"Who ARE you?!" Fuyutski hollered.
"We...are nerds." The fat one said.
"Anime nerds." The thin one said.
"And we seek the answer...which giant robot series is better, Big O or Neon Genesis Evangelion?"
"What the HELL are they going on about?" Asuka snapped.
"My mind, my mind, my fragile mind..." Shinji whimpered.
"OH SHUT UP!" Everyone but Dorothy and Rei yelled.
"We are talking about which is the superior program!" The thin nerd said.
"In our universe..." The fat nerd walked around casually, or at least seemed to. It was obvious that he was edging towards Misato. "...your universes are merely television shows. We have watched your lives; or parts thereof."
"Get any closer and I rip off your testicles." Misato interrupted just as the fat nerd got close to touching her hindquarters.
"Uh...right." He quickly scurried away.
"My friend and I have watched both your programs." The thin one said. "And we began to argue over which was the superior one."
"I claim it is Neon Genesis Evangelion." The fat one said.
"Whereas I back Big O." The thin one adjusted his necktie.
[Author's note: yes, EVA is clearly the superior program, but there'd be no story without this imaginary debate]
"We could not come to an agreement." The fat one said. "It was torturing us. But, then, we discovered how to breach the universal barriers."
"So now we can find out, once and for all." The thin one said. "Now the EVA brats can battle the clearly-superior Roger Smith."
"You learned how to move between dimensions...and you use it to decide if one TV show is better than another?" Roger asked.
"My God." Fuyutski said. "You are quite possibly THE saddest people on the face of the Earth."
"What about Shinji?" Asuka demanded.
"He has an excuse. His father's a megalomaniac and he's been forced into the weirdest Oedipus complex since...well, since Oedipus." He looked at the nerds. "These two...hell, I can FEEL the virginity radiating off them, and they've got to be twice Shinji's age!"
"Oh yeah?" The fat nerd said. "Oh yeah, well...yeah?! Shut up!"
"Wow, how can we stand up to such clever people?" Roger said, laying the sarcasm on thick.
"I shall deal with you both!" The skinny nerd said, aiming a remote control at the pair. He hit a button, and they vanished.
"Bring them back." Gendo said, his voice cold.
"I'll bring them back when I'm ready!" The skinny nerd replied.
"Bring them back this very moment or I swear to make the rest of your life a living, insufferable hell. If you can discover how to traipse between dimensions, then it should be no problem for me."
"You don't scare..."
"NO!" The fat nerd grabbed the remote. "Dude, you do NOT screw with this guy! He's batshit fucking crazy!"
Roger and Fuyutski were quickly returned, both looking visibly shaken.
"What was it?" Asuka asked.
"There were these...small beings. Everywhere." Fuyutski replied. "Enslaved by a bunch of stupid children."
"A kid in a hat, with an annoying voice." Roger said. "He tried to get some little yellow rat thing to electrocute us."
"So I shot it fifteen times in the face." Fuyutski replied, he and Roger dropping their frightened act, as he pulled his still-smoking gun out from behind his back. "I'm not sure if it died, though, since we were brought back here."
"Your courage in the face of the Poke-losers is impressive." Fat said. "But this changes nothing. Roger Smith will fight the EVAs."
"Which one?" Gendo asked.
"All three!" Skinny said.
"Isn't that a little, oh I don't know, unfair?" Roger asked.
"Roger man, you're SO good that taking on one at a time would be unfair to THEM!"
"Tomorrow you shall battle." Fat said. "A stadium will be prepared."
With that, the two faded away, leaving a very confused group behind.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Shinji screamed, collapsing onto the ground and sucking his thumb. "DON'T MAKE ME GET BACK IN THAT THING! I DON'T WANNA, YOU CAN'T MAKE ME OH GOD IT SMELLS LIKE BLOOD!"
"He is a strange individual." Dorothy said.
"You think that's bad? He has a thing for me."
"How disturbing."
"Okay, neither of you have the right to call ANYTHING disturbing." Fuyutski said.
"Why?" The two said as one, and everyone screamed. Shinji the loudest.
*****************************************
The next morning, Roger was awoken by a hideous noise. He had no idea what it was, only that it caused a strange pain inside of him. It was not physical, but it was something that touched him to his very core. He had to stop it. He threw himself out of bed, tore on his robe, and burst out of his bedroom.
He ran into the living room the same time as Shinji, who ran in from another direction entirely.
"What is that?!" Shinji demanded, terror in his eyes.
"I don't know!" Roger replied.
"Oh, God, it hurts!" Shinji doubled over. "It hurts my SOUL!"
"What's going on?!" Asuka demanded, running into the room. "Oh, it's horrible!"
"I...don't...KNOW!" Shinji screamed. "YEAAAAAAGH!"
Roger hauled off and backhanded Shinji.
"Thanks, I needed that."
"Look, whatever it is, it's coming from the kitchen!" He ran over to a closet and tore out a massive machine gun.
"I thought you didn't like guns!" Shinji snapped.
"It's Norman's." Roger pumped the weapon. "And anything that can create such evil does not deserve to live. I'm setting my ethics aside this one time."
The trio made their way for the door to the kitchen. Roger took the lead, his face impassive but his left eyelid twitching ever so slightly. Asuka tried to look brave as she marched next to him, while Shinji hid behind Roger, his eyes squeezed shut.
"Hiyaaaa!" Roger screamed, kicking open the door and bursting into the room. He took aim...
And then stopped when all he saw were Dorothy and Rei, giggling over tea.
"OH, GOD, HERE IT IS! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT!!!!!!!!!"
"Shinji, look." Roger said.
"Huh?" He opened his eyes and saw the girls sitting there. "Oh."
He paused as they continued to giggle.
"KILL THEM!"
*****************************************
The Nerds were as good as their word, as the next day a massive, circular stadium was sitting just outside the city limits. The Big O stood opposite the trio of batteries that the Nerds'd had enough sense to set up for the Evangelions. There were countless eats, but all were empty save the two the Nerds sat in.
"Roger, be careful today." Dorothy said as Roger did some last checks on the Big O's systems.
"Dorothy...I don't think you've ever worried about me before. Thank..."
"It is not for you, Roger. I merely do not want you to hurt Rei. Be careful when you throw your punches."
"Don't worry, like I said during the planning meeting this morning, no one is killing anyone. The Nerds didn't say anything about killing. I just have to wreck their little toys."
"I know. But do not slip. If you do, I will be forced to stab you multiple times while you sleep."
"I...er...okay..."
With that, Dorothy left, leaving a concerned Roger staring after her. Finally, he switched on his comm.
"Norman?"
"Yes, Master Roger?"
"Remind me to scatter magnets around my bed."
"Very good, sir."
*****************************************
"Is everyone prepared?" Fat called over an intercom.
Roger gave a thumbs-up with the Big O, while Ritsuko gave the go-ahead from a megaphone.
"Alright!" Skinny said. "Big O, it's SHOWTIME!"
"EVAs LAUNCH!" Fat added.
"Morons." Roger grumbled, sending the Big O forward.
He charged, raising a fist, but before long realized none of the EVA units were moving. He skittered to a halt, fearing some kind of trick or strategy. But, rather unexpectedly, the hatches to Units 00 and 02 popped open, and their pilots clambered out of the entry plugs. Roger was tempted to open Big O's hatch to see what was up, but realized One could still hit him at that point.
"What's going on?" He said over the Big O's rarely-used external speakers.
"I...I cannot fight." Rei said over Ritsuko's megaphone. "These robots are...unpredictable at times. I cannot risk it. A malfunction could occur and result in your death. I cannot kill the friend of my best friend."
"Rei...thank you." Dorothy said.
"You know, if these two weren't so terrifying together this would almost be sweet." Roger mumbled. Then he switched the speakers back on: "And what's your story, Asuka?"
"I...I just can't."
"Why not?!"
"Y...well...uh..." She blushed a red almost as bright as her suit. "You're just too damn cute!"
"What?!"
"I can't fight someone so handsome! I can't!"
"Jesus, a toddler's got the hots for me...that is so wrong..."
"I'm not a toddler!"
"Whoops..." Roger looked at the speaker switch, still in the on position. "So what about Shinji? You still ready to go?!"
His robot gave the thumbs up.
"Alright. SHOWTIME!"
Again he charged, and EVA 01 began to move forward...then collapsed to the ground and curled into a fetal position.
"Oh, for God's sake..." Gendo said, rubbing the bridge of his nose.
EVA 01 began to twitch, and then ran in circles on the ground.
"What the HELL is he doing?!" Gendo snapped.
"Looks like the Curly Shuffle." Fuyutski replied, and Gendo smacked him.
Roger had the Big O put him on the ground at this point, and he stood next to Gendo.
"Doctor, increase LCL pressure and knock out that little jackass." He sighed.
"I hate to say this, but your son's a pussy." Roger said.
"I know, I know. I should've adopted the Kraut. She may be a nympho, but at least she's got balls. Hmm...I wonder if she's always been a she...?"
"Hey!" Asuka snapped. "I'm RIGHT HERE!"
"I know."
"What is going on?" Fat demanded, the Nerds suddenly next to the group.
"Shinji's freaking out again." Skinny said. "Hmm. Looks like Roger wins by default, eh?"
"NO!" Fat screamed. "NO, there's got to..."
"Hell, I'LL fight him!" Gendo said.
"Wh-what?" Everyone said.
"I thought the pilots had to be fourteen!" Misato said.
"Oh, that was a lie so I wouldn't have to fly one of the damn things. Now, open the hatch so I can get in there."
"Won't you need a plug suit?" Ritsuko asked.
"Oh, no, I made that part up, too, so I could see teenage girls running around in skintight rubber."
"Sicko." Fuyutski mumbled.
"What was that?"
"Nothing, boss."
"Well won't you at least need those little hair clip psycho-uplink thingies?" Aoba asked.
"Nah, that was a lie, too. That one was to embarrass Shinji, since he looks even MORE effeminate with little hair clips on."
"You have problems." Roger said.
"I know." He walked over to the now-still EVA 01, where an unconscious Shinji was being dragged out. "Hold it."
He knelt next to Shinji, and shook him lightly until he came to.
"F-father?"
"Yes, son." And then he kicked Shinji in the side of the head. "Just wanted you to be awake for that! You're a FAILURE! I HATE YOU!"
"Father! Father, please..." And then Roger kicked him in the head.
"God, SHUT UP! Why do you WANT this sick psycho motherfucker to love you?! To me that means you've got more problems than HIM!"
"He's got a point." Fuyutski said.
"Drag it away so I can get going." Gendo said, clambering into EVA 01's entry plug. "Roger?"
"Right."
*****************************************
Moments later, the two Robots were facing one another. Roger now understood he was in real trouble; Gendo Ikari was a sick bastard. The gloves were off. He was ready for the fight of his life, and he would be damned if he was going...
Suddenly, EVA 01 spun and punched the stands. Concrete flew everywhere as sections of the stadium caved in on itself. Roger watched in amazement as Unit 01 grabbed the two nerds before they could collapse in the rubble. Fat was holding the remote, and watched in horror as Gendo used 01 to squeeze Skinny's head like a grape. Then Unit 01 pointed to the techs on the ground. Nodding, sweating, and covered in his companion's blood, Fat tossed them the remote. He then got on his knees in Unit 01's hand and cried.
"I've got to know what's going on..." Roger said, tapping into Unit 01's comm frequency.
"That's it, beg for Gendo...BEG! BEG FOR YOUR LIFE!"
He began to lower the arm, slowly and gently.
"That's right. Cry, bow to me...everything's going to be okay, isn't it? Isn't it? Oh...wait...it isn't!"
With that, he turned the hand over and smashed Fat into the ground.
"Yeah, yeah, that's right..." Gendo said, probably thinking no-one was listening in. "Die for your God!"
Shuddering and fearing for his life, Roger switched the comm link off.
*****************************************
"Well, my people have the remote all figured out." Gendo said to Roger, as the two men stood on Roger's balcony the next night. "We can split whenever you're ready."
"Good." He nodded, watching the sunset. "We'll go in the morning then. Let the girls say their goodbyes."
"Yes. A fine plan." Gendo smiled.
"What?"
"Nothing. I'll just have time for...something I've been wanting to handle."
*****************************************
"Where the devil is the Commander?!" Fuyutski demanded of the NERV staff the next morning. "And Misato?! And Ayanami?! AND Shinji?!"
"Here I am, sir." Misato said, looking rumpled.
"Where were you?"
"Misato?" Roger said, walking into the room behind her and holding her cross. "You left this in...uh..."
"Oh." Fuyutski sighed. "You know, you don't see Commander Ikari dealing in..."
"Oh, Gendo." A new voice said. "That was positively AMAZING."
"I know." Gendo said, as he entered the room with Angel hanging off his arm. "You were okay."
"Okay?!"
"You were saying, Sub-Commander?" Misato said, putting on her cross.
"Shut up. Just...shut up. Everyone gets some but me."
"And me." Aoba said.
"You don't count, hippie."
"Who're you calling hippie, you old bastard?!"
"The long hair and lack of showering were my FIRST clue."
"Who says I don't shower, you geriatric...?!"
"Oh, that is IT!" Fuyutski threw a right hook that caught Aoba in the side of the head. The hippie quickly recovered and stood, and tackled the old man. No-one took notice of the battle, especially the beer companies, since they were largely unimportant male characters.
"Well, once we have Rei and Shinji we can be on our way." Misato said. "Roger, have you seen Dorothy?"
"No. I assumed she and Rei were here."
"We thought they were with you."
Suddenly, a chill went up everyone's spine as a pair of laughs filled the air.. Even Fuyutski and Aoba stopped their battle a moment to shudder and feel another small piece of their souls die.
"WILL YOU TWO PLEASE STOP THAT?!" Roger hollered, a few bits of his hair actually slipping out of place.
"Stop what?" They asked in tandem.
"Ok, Gendo, split." Roger grabbed the remote and began looking at the buttons. "How do I do it?! We have to go Now! Nownownownow!"
"We can't, Shinji's not back." Misato said.
"Here I am."
"About time." Fuyutski grumbled. "We have to get back, my apartment's back in a piece of our universe that isn't here, and I need it to shoot the hippie."
"Not if I get mine first, Geezer." Aoba grumbled.
"I'm not going."
"What?!" A few people hollered at once.
"Good." Rei said.
"I'm staying here. I like it here. There's no Angels, no Evangelions, and no Father. Roger was right. I'm done looking for the acceptance of a total lunatic who gets beard grooming tips from the Amish. I'm staying right here! I'm going to become a negotiator, I'm going to learn from the best there is!"
"Shinji!" Roger said, kneeling next to him and grabbing him by the shoulders. "Shinji, you have to go back."
"B-but why, Roger?"
"The rightful order of the universe has to be restored. If things don't get back to normal, no one could say what might happen to reality! Armageddon could come..."
"Well, that might not be so bad." Gendo said.
"Or something even worse. We could all wind up in the same universe those nerds are from. No-one wants that. Things HAVE to go back to normal. Reality must be restored. Families need to be reunited, histories have to be repaired. It has to be restored for many reasons, but mainly because I hate you and never want to see you again."
"I...uh...oh." Shinji just hung his head. "I see."
"Yeah. I mean, I'm not sure who hates you more, me or Gendo."
"Oh, there is no contest there, my friend." Gendo said. "I've been hating his sorry ass for fourteen years, you've only been hating him for a few days."
"Right. So you have to go. Go to where people REALLY hate you. They hate you in a way that they almost love you. I just hate you in the way that I want to step on you with Big O, and WILL if you stay here."
"Uh...I...hm..." Shinji just ran off into a corner to cry.
"Good, that's done." Roger said. "Now can we please restore everything to what passes for normal in our respective, post-apocalyptic worlds?"
"Must you?" Rei and Dorothy said as one.
"Yes." Gendo said. "Your friendship with Dorothy is a threat, Rei. Only I may possess your affection."
"Ok, this is getting REALLY weird." Roger said, grabbing Dorothy's arm. She ran with him to the stairwell that would lead back to his apartment. "Just hit the goddamned button before I have an aneurysm."
Roger shut the door, but did not head up the stairs.
"I shall miss Rei." Dorothy said. "She taught me so much about life and love."
"That is WAY more than I needed to know." He flung the door open, revealing his little-used lobby. "Oh, thank goodness."
*****************************************
The next morning found Roger waking leisurely; he figured Dorothy was still too upset about Rei's departure to play the piano. With a grin, he turned over onto his side...
...and came face to face with a young man.
"Hi, I'm Akito Tenkawa." He said, his voice somehow familiar. "Who're you?"
"Roger?" He looked up to see Dorothy entering the room, a very young girl with a ton of silver hair in pigtails behind her. "I have met the most wonderful young lady."
"Idiots." The girl said.
"Who are you?!" A girl with blue hair screamed, running into Roger's room. "Are you after my Akito, too?!"
Roger just sighed.
THE END...? Yeah, actually.