Sixth installment in my on-going series of one-shots (one-chapter only fictions) depicting a character's thoughts and feeling on season 4 events. As always, I do not tell you whose point of view it is from, but I leave lots of clues for you to guess. My other stories in this series (which are also posted on this site if you want to read them) are No Regrets, My Regrets, Too Late for Regret, Should I Regret That I'm Happy, and Nothing to Regret, and now this story, number 6, Crazy Regrets. Reviews are greatly appreciated, and thank you to all of you who have reviewed my other stories.
Spoilers for season 4 episodes after Bark at the Moon
Summary: "Regrets are crazy things, aren't they? They get stuck in your head, repeating themselves over and over like one of those songs that you never really forget. I have a lot of regrets, crazy, crazy regrets."
Crazy RegretsRegrets are crazy things, aren't they? They get stuck in your head, repeating themselves over and over like one of those songs that you never really forget. I have a lot of regrets, crazy, crazy regrets. Too many regrets for a 17 year old kid. But I guess that is what life is like when you are a Bipolar 17 year old.
My shrink tells me it's normal to regret things, that if I didn't have any regrets, I would be sicker than I already am. And I talk to him about all the things I have done that I regret – all the people I have hurt with my craziness.
I call her all the time. All I get is her voice mail. I e-mail her almost everyday. I write her constantly. But the silence on her end tells me more than words ever could. Of all my crazy regrets, what I have done to her is what I regret the most. And I understand why she does not call me, or write me, or e-mail me. Look at all I have done to her. All of my crazy regrets.
The first time we got together, I cheated on her. I dated two girls at the same time. I regret that I did that, and I am only beginning to understand why. Why did I do it? Because I did love both of them, each in their own way. Because there are two halves of me. The manic me. The one who feels…. Wonderful, and excited and great. And the other side… what happens when the manic me inevitably falls over the side of the precipice to the deep hole of despair that is always waiting for me.
I cheated on her, and I lost her. I lost both of them. And I sometimes think to myself – what would I have done if she did the same thing to me? Would I have forgiven her, like she forgave me? Crazy regrets… making you think about things you don't want to think about.
She forgave me. We got back together. But I messed things up again. I ruined her dad's wedding. I beat up Joey. I ended up in the hospital, being told I would be crazy for the rest of my life. Crazy regrets.. things I cannot change.
But afterwards, after we found out that I was crazy, things changed. She wasn't my girlfriend any more. She was more like a voice… asking me if I took my pills, asking me if I felt ok, convincing me to go to Ellie's mental health group. Our relationship became less about us, and more about my illness.
And she left for London. I wanted to go with her… I even made arrangements to go… I fought with Joey to go. But she didn't want me there. She wanted to get away… from me. So I messed up again. I stopped taking my meds, I ran away. I ended up causing Joey and Caitlyn to break-up. Crazy regrets… things I wish I could change.
I have so many crazy regrets, I'm always doing things to hurt those I love. At least now I can blame all the horrible things I did before on my illness. I was crazy, you know. Just like my dad. My dad… I think of him, and I get scared. That someday I'll end up just like him… My shrink keeps telling me I'm getting help, that as long as I manage my condition with medications and therapy, I'll be ok. Joey keeps telling me to remember that my dad never go help. But I still get scared. I wonder if my dad ever regretted what he had done?
Crazy regrets, I have quite a few. But my biggest regret is that I'm crazy. And my biggest fear… my biggest fear is that I'm not. That everything I have done is not because of any chemical imbalance in the brain, a condition that can be managed with a lifetime of medication and therapy. I fear that I have done everything I have done, hurt everyone I have hurt, and do not have the craziness as an excuse. I fear that I would have done everything I had done, even if I was not crazy.
I pick up the phone, to call her, to talk to her. I know deep inside she will not answer, just like the previous 8 times I have tried to call her today. The ringing of her cell phone in my ear… The manic me… he keeps thinking, maybe she'll answer this time, maybe she'll want to talk to me… The other me, knows she will not. I hear her voice on the other end, asking me to leave a message. I hang up before the beep. What's the point in leaving a message? I already left 3 messages… no response. Her silence speaks louder than her words ever could.
I regret that I lost her, again, and again, and again.
Regrets are a crazy thing, aren't they? They get stuck in your head, repeating themselves over and over like one of those songs that you never really forget. I have a lot of regrets, crazy, crazy regrets.