This plot bunny hopped into my head on Saturday morning and wouldn't leave me alone, so I wrote it out, but it turned out crackier than I first imagined. Oh well, laughing is always a good thing to do, right? Enjoy!
Disclaimer: The Clorox in my house belongs to my parents, since they bought it. What makes you think I own a very awesome manga series?
For the Hali Challenge at FLOL: 1411 words (48,589 words remaining)
"Ehh?! But I don't know how it got there!"
Ichigo started at the familiar voice. He was buying groceries for Yuzu at the store near their house, and now he turned to the exit and saw Orihime and a store employee. The employee was holding up a tube of mascara and a blush container.
"I'm sure you don't," the male worker said sarcastically. "But I'll have to ask you to come with me anyway."
"Wait a minute!" Ichigo stalked over. "What's going on here?" he asked, scowling at the employee.
"Why are you getting involved?" sneered the employee (his name tag said "Hanate", in case you were wondering.) "It's just another case of a girl who doesn't want to pay for her make-up." He looked Ichigo up and down suspiciously. "But you look pretty shady, too. What do you have in that basket?" he asked.
Ichigo clenched his hands. "Dammit, I'm not shady! And neither is she," he added, pointing to Orihime.
Hanate frowned. "You both look pretty suspicious to me!" he yelled, pointing to their heads. "Bleached hair! You must be from a gang or something! Or maybe a brother and sister shoplifting team!" He turned away for a moment. "Maybe there's a reward for capturing them," he muttered, grinning at the thought.
Ichigo rolled his eyes. "C'mon, Inoue," he said, taking hold of the healer's arm. "I'll buy my stuff and walk you home."
"Ehhhh?!" Orihime thought her eyes might fall out of her head, she was so surprised. "Kurosaki-kun, that's really not necessary! Plus, I was technically shoplifting, even though I didn't know I was…"
"So you admit it, huh?" Hanate pointed at the auburn-haired girl. "My instincts were correct! I'm going to get the manager, so you two stay right here!" He backed away a few feet before running off to find his boss.
"Ano… Kurosaki-kun?" Orihime tugged on his sleeve. "Look," she said, pointing at the checkout lines.
Ichigo squinted, not seeing anything unusual at first. Then he saw the spirit of a girl about their age slipping random items into some of the customers' shopping bags after they had already paid. "Ah," he said, frowning. "So that's how it happened."
He sighed. "I guess I should perform konso, then. Can you watch my stuff?" Orihime nodded, and Ichigo pressed his badge to his chest. Orihime caught his body and laid it on the floor, as if he had passed out.
Ichigo walked over to the spirit and tapped her on the shoulder. "Yo," he said in greeting.
The girl jumped with a small shriek before turning around. "Hey!" she said in annoyance. "How come you can see me? No one else does."
"I'm Kurosaki Ichigo, a substitute shinigami." He watched as the girl made the connection.
"A shinigami… so you're dead, too?" She sighed. "It's been pretty lonely for the past few days. That's why I started putting stuff in people's bags, to find out if they had seen me put it there." She crossed her arms and stared at him. "So what's going to happen to me now?"
"I'm going to send you to Soul Society. You'll eventually be reborn here, but not for a while," Ichigo replied.
"Do you know what it's like there?" The girl suddenly looked worried. "It's not Hell, is it? Oh, I've been doing this indirect shoplifting thing and now I'm going to Hell…"
"Soul Society isn't Hell," Ichigo said. "You'll meet a lot of people there, and if you have enough reiatsu, you can go to the Shinigami Academy."
The girl smirked. "I could become a Shinigami too? That doesn't sound so bad." She stood up straight and closed her eyes. "Alright, Kurosaki Ichigo. Send me to Soul Society."
Ichigo pulled his sword from his back and touched the hilt to the girl's forehead. As her body dissolved into the familiar blue particles, he turned around, intending to go back to Orihime. But as he looked up, he saw a small crowd of people gathered around his friend. As he got closer, he heard them speaking in quiet, shocked voices.
"She says he's just fine and that it happens all the time, but he looks awfully still," said one man.
"Is he even breathing?" one lady asked to those around her.
"Crap!" Ichigo exclaimed. "It would've been better to have Kon this time!"
He quickly covered the short distance and jumped back into his body. As his eyes opened, there was a simultaneous gasp from those around him. He scowled and said, "Nothing to see here, I'm perfectly fine." Reluctantly, the crowd dispersed, still whispering about the strange pair of orange-headed teenagers.
"Ah, welcome back, Kurosaki-kun!" Orihime smiled at him. "She was able to go to Soul Society?"
Ichigo nodded. "She was only putting stuff in people's bags because she wanted someone to see her," he said, shrugging. "I guess it worked."
Orihime sighed. "How sad… she must have been so lonely." She stood up and gave him a small smile. "I'm glad she was able to pass on."
Ichigo stood up as well. "I'll go check out and then walk you home," he said.
"A-ah, but you really don't have to, Kurosaki-kun! I don't want to cause trouble for you…"
Ichigo frowned. "Inoue, I probably caused more trouble for you just now than you ever have for me," he replied.
"You mean waiting over here? That wasn't any trouble at all!" Orihime protested.
Ichigo smirked. "And it's not any trouble for me to walk you home, okay?" he asked. Orihime blushed and nodded silently.
The orange-haired Shinigami picked up his basket, but before he could walk away, Hanate came back with an older man, whose name tag said "Manager".
The manager looked sternly at the two teenagers. "Hanate-san tells me he caught you shoplifting. Is that true?" he asked.
Ichigo shook his head, but Orihime nodded. "I didn't know they were there, but they were in my bag, so I think I was shoplifting by accident…" She looked down at the floor unhappily.
The manager nodded thoughtfully and turned to Ichigo. "Why did you say no?" he asked.
Ichigo sighed in frustration, but tried to remain somewhat polite. "I was just here getting groceries for my sister when I heard him accusing my friend of shoplifting," he answered, pointing to Hanate. "And I know she wouldn't do something like this, so I tried to tell that guy over there, but he accused me of shoplifting and told us to stay here and wait for you."
The manager nodded again and was silent for a minute as he looked carefully at the two. Ichigo stared back determinedly, and Orihime looked up shyly after a moment. Apparently satisfied with what he saw, the older man crossed his arms and announced, "I believe you. Hanate-san, please apologize to our customers."
"Ehh?" Now Hanate was the shocked one. "B-but Manager," he protested. "Look at their bright hair! They must be punks or in a gang!"
The manager scowled. "Do you doubt my judgment, Hanate-san?" he asked quietly.
Hanate's protests screeched to a halt as he realized how angry his manager was. "N-no, Manager," he stuttered before turning to Ichigo and Orihime. He bowed deeply and said, "I am very sorry for accusing you of shoplifting. You are valued customers and we hope you will continue to shop here, despite my error in judgment."
Orihime smiled cheerfully. "Of course I will! None of the other stores I've visited have a 'buy one tube of wasabi, get one tube of red bean paste for free" deal!" she exclaimed.
"Oh, you like that combination as well?" asked the manager, now also smiling cheerfully.
Orihime nodded. "It's great with ramen if I add some honey as well!" she answered as Ichigo suppressed his gag reflex.
"I'll be right back, Inoue," he said, trying to ignore the strange recipes that the manager was reciting. Orihime nodded and smiled at him again as he left to check out.
When he returned a few minutes later, Hanate and the manager were gone, and Orihime was humming to herself. "Are you ready to go, Orihime?" he asked.
Orihime stopped humming and stared at him. "Kurosaki-kun…" she said in quiet surprise.
Ichigo stared back in confusion. "What? Is there something wrong?"
Orihime smiled. "No," she said happily. "Thank you, Ichigo-kun."
And so they went cheerfully (in Ichigo's case, with a frown, but a cheerful one) on their way.
The End.