"I don't deserve to go to hell!"
Those words still echo in his mind.
His brother's voice still lingers. Even when it's hours later, days even, Sam can hear his brother's screaming plea. It digs deeper…harder then anything he's ever felt.
Mom, Jess…. Dad…those pains are nothing compared to the agony of his brother's angst. He can feel the pain in those words as if it were his own…and in more ways then the world knew-it was.
But he can't breathe, he can't see straight…he can't keep it together.
He waits until the second night on the road to leave. He promised his brother he'd find away and he will. But he can't do it with Dean. He laid sideways on the motel bed, staring at Dean sleeping contently.
His heart actually aches, it feels like it's going to rip apart. He can't let Dean go…he won't. But it's all his fault. So he does what's best for Dean, stands up, shoves his feet into his boots and walks away. He scribbles a note on a notepad then leaves.
You're right, Dean. You don't deserve to go to hell. This is all my fault, I'm sorry.
- Sammy
He spends the first week in research, the week after that encouraging other hunters to give him leads. Boundaries are no longer an issue for him, not when Dean's soul is at stake. He's not making any progress but he still goes strong.
It's in the third week when a heavy pounding made him lift his head from a textbook.
He yanked open the door, his eyes not even focusing on his guest before he's being shoved back inside the room. The note he'd left flying toward him.
"You stupid son of a bitch. Don't you dare do that again!" Dean yelled, jabbing a hand against Sam's chest, making him fall backwards to the bed. "We've got better things to do then taking off for some 'alone time'. We have to find the colt from that bitch…."
"Dean."
"If ya didn't even want to bother trying to save me you should have told me. Christ Sammy it wasn't that big of deal. You didn't need to take off." Dean glared down at him.
Sam lifted the note from the floor, allowing his eyes to wander over his own handwriting for a brief moment. "Dean…I-"
"You what Sam? Didn't think you could do it so you just took off? Damn it Sam…I know I can't be saved, I was just saying! Last time I have a goddamn chick flick moment around you." Dean muttered the last part under his breath.
Sam felt anger rise inside him. He shot to his feet, bringing himself inches from his brother's body. "Don't you dare! I left so I could save you! I knew I couldn't do everything I needed to around you so I left."
Dean frowned. "What?"
"Dean…I…I need to save you. I have to." Sam started, his voice breaking.
"Sam…Why'd you take off?" Dean whispered.
Sam dropped his eyes, "Because I heard you…I heard what you said and your exactly right. It's not your job to protect me…It never was. It was Dad's and he made you. The lest I can do is-"
Dean silenced his brother by stepping forward, bringing their bodies flush. Anger filled Dean's eyes, rage spread across his face. "Sam…" he spat out. "I didn't mean it-"
"The lest I can do for you, Dean is try and save you. After everything-" Sam started softly, eyes focused on the wall.
Dean lifted both hands and grabbed either sides of Sam's face. Forcing him to meet his eyes. "I don't deserve to go to hell. I've always done what I was told. Since the day mom died I've always done what Dad told me. I don't deserve to go to hell…but I damn will if it means protecting you."
"It's not your job Dean…even you said-"
"I was angry. And…it's true. It's not my job, but you're my brother…and there's nothing I wouldn't do for you. So if I have to go to hell-fine. Not my first choice but if it means keeping you safe-" Dean chipped each word out.
Sam sighed, this was Dean he knew. "When are you gonna stop thinking about me?"
Dean smirked, "If I stop you'll forget to eat, sleep and bath. You'll fad into nothingness without me, Sammy."
Sam smiled and leaned forward, pressing his forehead to his brother's. He sucked in a breath, tasting Dean. "You're right, I will. That's why I'm going to get that soul of yours back where it belongs. Because I can't live without you."
Dean let his eyes fall closed, "I'm sorry you heard that shit."
"It's ok…I just wish I could give back something to you. After everything you've always done for me…."
Sam felt Dean smirk, Sam opened his eyes in time to watch his brother look suggestively at the bed. "Well in that case,"
Sam laughed as Dean pushed him against the bed, sitting on top, legs rested on either side.
Dean started unbutton Sam's shirt, pressing their lips together as his fingers worked. What started as a chastised kiss quickly became more. Teeth clashing, tongues swirling, fists' pulling and yanking at clothing.
Dean pulled away from his brother's mouth and took a long breath, smiling down.
"By the way, me giving up my sooul didn't have anything to do with some misguided loyalty to Dad….I just couldn't let you go that easily."