Never Let You Know
By: KawaiiChare
Disclaimer: I don't own Eva!
Note: This takes place in between "Both of You, Dance Like You Want to Win!" and "Magmadiver", but I don't know the approximate date, so I made it up...
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"I'm sooooo bored!" Asuka hollered to, well, no one in particular. She had the whole apartment to herself tonight- Misato was out for the night and Shinji was buying groceries.
The young girl lay sprawled across the floor, her long red hair spreading out in all directions. She stretched her arms out, making her shirt lift up her body and reveal her pale middle.
Asuka scowled. She had thought that staying home would be better than her other options- she did not want to hang out with the woman that was seemingly constantly drunk and she most definitely didn't want to be seen with the Wimp, but now she wasn't so sure. She had begun to watch some TV, but there was nothing good being aired. At least if she had gone out, there would be something to do instead of doing nothing like her current state.
Ah, crap, Asuka thought as she heard her stomach growl, I'm hungry and the idiot's not back yet! She let out a growl of frustration.
Pouting, Asuka sat down on the ground and crossed her arms. She rolled her eyes, mentally kicking herself for choosing to stay home tonight while stirring up a speech that she'd give to Shinji when he comes home for being late with the groceries and starving her.
"That idiot," Asuka muttered, then stood up and started for the kitchen. Maybe there's some left over scraps in the fridge I can heat up or something, she thought, I can't stay starving forever. She snickered slightly as she added "I had to cook for myself tonight!" to her speech.
"Damn," Asuka mumbled and saw that the fridge was indeed completely vacant, except for Misato's Yebisu.
The fiery redhead pulled up a chair and sat on it, resting her head on the table. Her long hair slid off her shoulders and onto the table in an unruly fashion as she tilted her head and switched positions.
Then she moved again.
And again.
And yet again.
She lifted her head slightly, just enough so she could turn her wrist and glance at her watch.
"Only five o'clock?" she whined, then leaned back on her seat and sunk into it. She hugged her middle as the lack of activity made her even more conscience of her empty stomach.
"Hey... What's that?" Asuka thought out loud as she noticed a book of some kind on the table. She reached for it, then flipped it open.
"Oh, wonderful," Asuka mumbled sarcastically, "Kanji." Of course it was Kanji; what else would it be? Despite her handicaps when it comes to reading Japanese characters, she tried anyways. After all, there was nothing better to do.
Lines ran across the pages of the book- guidelines for a writer to fill it up with words. Eraser marks darkened some blotches and some characters were unclear due to dull pencils, but she knew what this was- a diary. Not just any diary, it was Shinji's. It wasn't too hard to recognize his handwriting- how his strokes connect together with a thin trail of pencil, how his periods look more like commas that curve the wrong way, and how the "su" characters look more like a seven with a dot beside it.
Wait a minute... Asuka inspected the "su" more carefully. She had thought she saw something...
No, she did see something.
Above the "su" was "a" and below it was "ka". "A-su-ka". Shinji was writing something about her.
"That pervert! Ooh, I'll bet he's writing down fantasies about me," she growled as she read those three characters over and over again in hopes she was mistaken.
Her eyes skimmed the entry for more words that jump out at her, but finding none, she decided to read more carefully from the top to bottom.
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October 15th, 2015
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October 15th? Asuka thought, That was only a few days ago.
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Dear Diary,
It has been about a week since Asuka and I defeated the Seventh Angel. Anyways, Asuka keeps puzzling me even more every day. No, I'm just puzzling myself over her. She keeps confusing me; I don't get what she wants from me. Some days she doesn't want anything to do with me, and so I avoid her. When I do, she yells at me for not paying attention to her. I don't understand.
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Asuka snorted. "What's not to understand? Some days I'm just in the mood, sometimes not. Idiot." She leaned back into her chair and rested the book upon her middle, making it lean onto the side of the table.
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I'm trying really hard to please her, but I don't know what it is I'm supposed to do. She's so confusing. Or maybe she's normal and I'm just too stupid to figure out what she wants?
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"Well, I don't call you 'Idiot' for no reason, Idiot," Asuka said to the diary, cocking an eyebrow sarcastically. She placed the book on the table and read while supporting her head with her hand as it was getting a little uncomfortable with the book's hard cover digging into her abdomen.
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Maybe I just interpret things differently. I mean, Touji and Kensuke don't like her because of her attitude, but they haven't had to deal with it as much as I have, and yet I still like her... I don't get it... After all that she's done to me, you'd think I'd hate her like Touji and Kensuke do, but I don't... Maybe I'm just... different.
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"What?!" Asuka exclaimed, sitting up full and straight, "What have I ever done to Shinji?!" She growled. "I gotta teach that idiot a lesson when he gets home."
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The thing is, I can kind of understand why she acts the way she does... I mean, I think I can understand. She's complicated. I'm guessing that she's acting with pride and in an attempt to live with honor, but I can't be certain...
You know, try as she might (and she does it quite well), she can't completely hide the fact that she's just a child deep inside like the rest of us. That's what shocked me the most... How can a child like her cover herself up that well?
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The red-head frowned deeply as she read that. "I'm not a child," she muttered angrily. As if to blow off steam, she picked the book up and slammed it back onto the table.
But she kept reading.
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I would've never seen it if it weren't for that night... The night before we defeated the Angel... When I was about to kiss her.
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Asuka snorted. "I knew he had perverted thoughts in here." She flicked a strand of red hair behind her shoulders and brushed her bangs away from her eyes, keeping her view glued to the page as she did so.
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I would've pulled through with it... If only she hadn't uttered that word... "Mama". She said it as she cried. I'm uncertain, but I think it's because she missed her mother. Every child would miss her mother. I miss my mother. That night, I realized that no matter how much she tries to hide it, she's just the same as any other teenager. She's so inside, no matter how much she covers it up.
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Asuka stared blankly at the page. I said that? she thought, then mentally kicked herself. She had slipped and let the Idiot see a side of her she never wanted anyone to see, not that she could've helped it. Shinji saw a weak side to her, one invisible to everyone else, and now a stooge found out about it. Did she say anything else in her sleep?
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That night, I saw who she truly is. A girl that just wants to feel loved, just like anyone else. I saw the little child within her. And I don't know why, but in the few weeks I've spent with her, I feel that I should be the one to help the little child. Or maybe I'm just going down the road to a dead end. After all, I've only been with her for about two weeks. Who knows? But I have to try...
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"Ha!" Asuka scoffed. "You think you know me inside out, don't you? Well, guess what? You don't! I don't need your help. I don't have a little child in me. It's useless to try, Idiot."
Somehow, her yelling had been somewhat satisfying.
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I know Asuka'd probably get really mad if she ever found out about this. She probably doesn't want anyone to know that she's got a soft side like the one that I saw. That's why I'll never let her know that I know, but I'll still try to give her what she wants. I'll still try. Although I don't get why I should; she's never been anything but rude to me.
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"Rude?!" Asuka exploded, "Well, don't give me a reason to be rude! And how was I rude?!"
Her answer was found in the rest of the paragraph.
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She's got this greater-than-all attitude, she treats me like an inferior and makes me feel worthless. Maybe I am.
Well, worthless or not I'm still here, might as well make a difference while I'm still alive... Anyways, I'm tired. I'm going to go to sleep now.
-Shinji
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"What?! That's it?!" Asuka stood up in frustration. The chair she previously occupied tumbled backwards and made a loud crashing sound with the floor. Her eyes widened as she noted that this was the only entry in the book. "Did he just get this thing a few days ago or something, 'cause what kind of an idiot only puts one entry in a diary?!"
Wait... Why do I want to know what he thinks in the first place? His opinion doesn't matter. He's just a stooge! I'm the great Sohryu Asuka Langley! His opinion on me makes no difference. Why do I care?
Because he's different? a tiny voice suggested in her mind, Because most guys would just stay clear of you if they were in his position, but instead he wants to help you?
"I'm home," Shinji called from the doorway.
Asuka gasped, then slammed the book shut, setting it in its original place. She couldn't let Shinji know she read through his diary; she couldn't let him know she actually cared about what he thought. "What took you so long, Shinji?" Asuka demanded.
"I, er... They were out of stock, so I had to go to other markets to get the stuff..." Shinji stammered.
"Yeah, well you could've done it quicker!" she yelled, "I was sitting here starving half the time!"
"I-I'm sorry," he responded, then proceeded to fill the refrigerator.
"What're you putting it in the fridge for?!" Asuka demanded, "You'll need to take it out to make dinner for me, anyways!" She leaned against the table while she crossed her arms and glared at him as if to ask, "Are you stupid?"
"Sorry..." Obediently, he took out the vegetables he had just placed in the fridge. With one hand, he placed the food onto the counter and grabbed an apron with the other.
Asuka's glare softened the moment she was sure he couldn't see her. I'll never let you know, she thought. "Hey, I'm going to take a shower," she told him, "When I finish, there'd better be food on the table."
"Okay," he called as she strolled out of the room.
As the girl walked to her room to gather her clothes, her lips curved in a smile that was shockingly similar to the one Shinji had on his face when they were on the balcony that one night. I'll never let you know that I know, either...
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Author's Notes: Thanks to Crimson Goddess for pre-reading this! You rock, Crimson, you da bomb!!